Are you Marriage Material?

To understand marriage in a Godly sense (which is the only way) is to understand the relationship between God and the Church.

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers:  for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?  And what communion hath light with darkness?”  2 Corinthians 6:14

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.


 If you say you don’t need a man, guess what, you’re not going to attract or get one…  Most women who say they don’t need or want a man is usually because they’re experiencing a dating drought.  Say what you mean and mean what you say!  When did it become an omen to simply say, “I want a man?”  I’m not saying settle for any ole’ one, but it’s certainly okay to want one.

Are you ready to submit? Ephesians 5:22 – 24 Wives submit to your own husband.

Being submissive is not a bad thing.  It actually will open a door of endless possibilities and communication.  As women, we automatically think it’s a sign of weakness if we are submissive, but it’s a way of honoring your husband and God!

Submission doesn’t mean being a doormat, being mistreated or following a man into sin, and going against the principles of Christ.  If you are being told that you have no say in the marriage, that’s not submission, it’s a form of control and mental/emotional abuse.  You are following his lead as a man of God, and trusting that he will do the right thing.

Are you ready to be ONE? Mark 10: 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one.

Sometimes it’s difficult for us to become one because we’ve become accustomed to being just ‘me.’  In order to consider working marriage into your life, you have to learn to use proper pronouns (we, and not I).  This means in finances, religion, disciplining your children, but more importantly, you’re now one, so others don’t belong in your marriage.

 Are you up for compromise and sacrifice? Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24

 You must remember that the decision is no longer just yours.  There are things that you unequivocally will not be able to do the same as you did as a single woman.  You might have to give up that shopping habit, or even getting  rid of some friends that just may not work into your marriage.  I’m not saying you can’t have friends, but everyone won’t celebrate your happiness!  Surround yourself with couples that are successful in their marriages!  It’s good to experience the positives that certainly come along with Holy Matrimony!

 -Terry D.

Why do we stay?

Do we stay in bad relationships, even when it hurts?  I for one, have been involved in a bad relationship in the past, and stayed way too long!  At first, I told myself things would get better, but it never did – the unfaithfulness continued.  There are never any advantages in staying in a loveless or unrewarding relationship.  While I thought I loved him and he me, I came to realize it was a relationship built on lies, physical attraction and convenience.   After a while, it becomes a habit of familiarity.  Point blank, we’re use to being with someone we’re accustomed to, and would rather remain in an unhealthy relationship, rather than be alone, heal and open our hearts to new possibilities.  The longer you remain in bad relationships; it becomes your template and replica for dating. 

After finally ending the relationship, I began to grapple over the rationale of why I stayed so long, but there was no real rhyme or reason.  While I had no justifications, it became real to me that lacking love for ‘you’ can lead to making regrettable decisions, and as a result, remain in emotional, physical and mentally abusive relationships.  Not to mention, it’s not an easy reality to admit that you may not love yourself enough to receive true love. 

I won’t pretend as if it’s easy to walk away, or stop “loving” someone that you’ve spent an inordinate amount of time with, and created soul ties with, but I had to stop making excuses.  I had to take control of my life, ask God to give me the strength to let go and begin the healing process!

A few key tools that was key for my emotional and mental freedom:

I forgave him

Don’t give anyone that kind of power over your life that you hold on to grudges.  It will consume you, and you will never be able to let go, or move on.  You can forgive without being directly involved with someone!  The forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for YOU!

I Ended the “Friendship”

Plain and simple – you can’t be friends with your ex, especially if you haven’t gotten over him.  You will find yourself repeating the same destructive behaviors if you do.

I stopped ALL communication (telephone, email, text, Skype, social media outlets)

I made no more excuses of why I needed to answer his calls, text messages or remain his friend on face book.  It only makes allowance for a slower healing process!

I sought professional help

This is how I was able to identify the root of the problem and be able to approach future circumstances with better clarity.  Until we are able to distinguish why we practice such destructive behavioral conundrums, the cycle will continue.

 We can say, “Just get over it, but it’s not always that simple – it’s a process! 

-Terry D.

The Reality of Reality Shows…

Brawls In Africa! RHOA Season 4 Episode 12 Recap |

While I’m sure I’m in the minority when I say, “I’m embarrassed” by the gratuitous and ill-mannered displays of ignorance that recommence on Reality shows that exploit African-Americans. RHWOA, Bad Girls Club, Basketball Wives and Love and Hip Hop, have replaced sitcoms and become as addictive as nicotine.   Why has it become okay to glamorize ignorance?  Once again,  African-American women matching the  bestowed stereotypical loud mouth, materialistic gold diggers; young women who almost compete in exchanging 3, 4 or 5 letter word expletives to up the other and women who accept cheating and adultery – not to mention glamorizing blatant violence.  I know that smut sells, but in the end, you’re just another Reality Show ‘has been’ disappearing into the land of “Who really cares!” 

As I listen to these women brag about their self-proclaimed fabulousity, and countless designer possessions, none of this negates the ignorance shamelessly exhibited from week to week.  None of the labels can replace your integrity.  The actual reality is, we can’t blame anyone for the exploitation, if we sign up for it.  When you’re stripped of the Gucci, Christian Louboutin and Chanel, all that’s left is an empty shell and your 15 seconds of fame.  We all like nice things, but why do they define us, and make us judgmental toward those who don’t have as much as you?  You’re laying claim and proudly fighting over something you’ve hardly earned, but instead pimped yourself out to attain.  It’s the ladies who actually earn their own fame and fortune that rarely validate themselves by their worldly goods.

Our impressionable youth begin to watch these shameful shows and become desensitized to respect. Most of these women (I use the term loosely) have children of their own, but I guess the almighty dollar supersede their children and reputation.  While we had women of character who paved the way for us; we in turn pave a path of destruction for the young women that follow us?  We criticize our youth, but they can only ensue the path that has been instituted.

-Terry D.

The contrast in Age 47 vs. Age 33 of What He wants in a Woman…

Age 47, Male

 Why do you think you’re single? Are you single by choice?  Do you think you’ve contributed to the reasons you’re single?  I’m single because I’ve contributed to it, because I’m selfish. I am single by choice, because I’d rather wait for what I want.  I will meet someone in the middle, because I do realize that not everyone is the same, and I’m not perfect.

Where do you typically frequent in hopes of seeking companionship? I never frequent any place. I’ve usually met them through someone.  I have met women at restaurants or a bar.

 How do you feel about online dating? Actually, I’ve never done it, Opposed to it

 What are your deal breakers? Smoking, drugs, alcohol

 What are you looking for in a mate? Independent, caring, outgoing, compassionate & Christian

 What are the things men/women don’t like in a mate? Dependent, ugly feet, appearance

 How do you feel about sex/intimacy – i.e. how soon do you wait before engaging, how soon do you think is too soon to discuss when you meet someone? I prefer later down the road, as oppose to first date. 

 Would you marry someone of a different religion? I would date someone of a different religion.

 How do you feel about interracial dating? I’m not opposed to it, but I prefer to stick with my race.  

Why in your opinion, do you think dating has become like a job, instead of being more natural? Have you ever thought about doing background and research, in order to have a better viable chance at dating? Women have obstacles that men need to go through.  You have to qualify in all aspects.  Women interview men during the course of dating, instead of just letting it happen naturally.

 Do you have age caps?  Yes, 35 – 60

 Age 33, Male

 Why do you think you’re single? Are you single by choice?  Do you think you’ve contributed to the reasons you’re single?  Yes I’m single by choice, and I’m single because I haven’t met anyone that I feel is totally honest with me.  Trust issues, because in the past I’ve been the other guy, which led to my trust issues.

 Where do you typically frequent in hopes of seeking companionship? Depends on what I’m looking for. Something quick & non serious – bars,  Long term — Wal-Mart or grocery store

 How do you feel about online dating? No good – never tried it

 What are your deal breakers? Dishonesty, Compassion (lack of) Begging (always in my pocket)

 What are you looking for in a mate? Submissive, but strong and Independent

 What are the things men/women don’t like in a mate? Smoking, Natural women – (not a lot of makeup) Curvy Women

 How do you feel about sex/intimacy – i.e. how soon do you wait before engaging, how soon do you think is too soon to discuss when you meet someone? If we’re both adults, there shouldn’t be a time frame as to when you talk about it. Engaging depends on chemistry, circumstances, but not going too far sexually.  Sometimes things can jump off immediately.  I’m not opposed to it.  Maturity plays a major role.  If you truly want something from that person, you should hold off.  Even if you start off that way, at some point, you need to stop and smell the roses.

 Would you marry someone of a different religion? Not a deal breaker, but it absolutely could be. No


Is Being Single so bad?

How can you expect to separate yourself from Society’s self appointed curse of the “Single Label,” if you continue to saturate yourself with accepting standardized expectations?  Why is being single viewed as such a negative brand today?  If you’re satisfied in your current relationship status, don’t permit society to dictate your timeline of love.  It has almost been a forbidden status in the church, on your job and in everyday life.   Much to the contrary belief, some people are single by choice.  As a single woman, most of us aspire to eventually be married, but I prefer to wait on my “Mr. Right”.

If you’re single in church, you’re the outcast and viewed as the Jezebel who either is after someone else’s husband, or you’re sleeping around.  If you wanted a husband, surely you could have one, but at what cost?  Just to say, “I’z married!”   On most jobs, your peers appear shocked when they find out you’re not married. 

I am a firm believer that at times individuals feel like an outcast and feel the pressure to marry, because the populace have made us assume we aren’t accepted into their circles unless we live up to ”their” standards. 

Be secure in you, and never settle because of judgmental spectators.

-Terry D.

Should I give him a little more time?

I am 32 years old, and my boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now, and when we first met, I told him I wasn’t looking for a casual relationship.  He was okay with this, because he was looking to settle down as well; but now that I’m bringing up marriage and asking for the direction of our relationship, he’s very reluctant.  He claims he needs a more time to “get himself together?  Should I give him a little more time?

You are 32 years old, and if you know what you want, you need to be with someone who wants the same thing.  If he lied to you from the beginning, you have to determine what his motives were.  The longer you stay, the longer you deter planning your future.  I don’t suggest you wait to see if he will change his mind, because it’s apparent that he’s not interested in pursuing anything more than a casual relationship with you.  When someone loves you, they’re willing to work through the good and bad together.  It seems as if he’s only stalling for more time to make sure there aren’t better options for him to pursue. 

Spare yourself any further heartache.  You’re only delaying the inevitable and will regret and resent him in the end.  The longer you postpone the breakup, the harder it will be to leave.

-Terry D.

Who’s to Blame?

You can’t continue to blame him if you make the decision to stay.  As women, we would like to believe that it’s our civic duty to change a man.  Even when we’ve seen all the signs and then some, we stay with the anticipation that things will get better.  The worse it becomes, the more excuses we formulate instead of accepting the reality.  People change because and when they are ready or want to change.  If someone continues to cheat on you, but you choose to repeatedly forgive them, who’s to blame?  Yes, cheating is wrong, but are you wrong for not leaving?  Stop being an enabler to the habits of infidelity. 

We would like to see the best in others, but don’t stay and begin to compartmentalize and stereotype men, because you choose to STAY!  We begin developing an internal detestation and blame men for all of our problems.  At this point, you’re just as responsible for not being proactive in taking control of your own destiny.  People will only do to you what is allowed.  More often than not, if he has decided to cheat or not commit to you, it’s an intrinsic character flaw, that has little to do with you.

There definitely has to be accountability, but it’s not up to you to make someone be accountable.   You can only choose to walk away and create your own path to happiness, and stop depending on someone else to do it.  When you take pride in yourself, and learn to love you, you can begin to dwell in a place that breeds peace, and all that your heart desires will follow…

-Terry D.

Interracial marriage in US hits new high: 1 in 12

Interracial marriage in US hits new high: 1 in 12.

I’m perplexed by the range of controversial conversations that continue to center around interracial relationships.  Even in the year 2012, it’s still a button pusher.  As I poll African-American women and men, the conversations instantly heat up.  Most, but not all African-American women are indifferent to interracial relationships, because they feel it lessens their chances at finding a significant other.  On the other hand, are you limiting your own chances at love, if you only want to date one race? African-American men are not as opposed, but say that the moment they see “their” women with a man from another race, it immediately triggers a sense of betrayal. 

The US Census Bureau reports that 17.1% blacks and 9.4% whites who married in 2010 has a spouse of a different race!  Out of 275,500 new interracial marriages in 2010:

  • 43% White – Hispanic
  • 14.4 White – Asian
  • 11.9% White – Black

In all, it goes on to state that 15% of new marriages are interracial, and that African-Americans, the younger generation and higher educated are more likely to marry outside of their race.   Are these statistics indicative that acceptance is more prevalent, or that society has decided not to care what others think when it comes to their personal love life?

Are Americans of any race/culture being criticized and ostracized for their preference to love freely?  It’s almost as if you’re being told that your heart should only love one color.  It is true that you have more in common with your own race, but that’s why the world is made up of so many different people.  It would make for a boring world if we were all the same.

-Terry D.

Psychological Passion by Terry D.

We make love every night,
as you seduce me with no actual physicality,
but verbally massaging my mind
mentally kissing my soul
gently fondling my wounds
as you slowly undress my heart.

I drift away dreaming of how you
made love to my mind
tucked me In
 with the gentle persuasion
of your verbal articulation.

The constant stimulation
of the mental seduction
leaves me breathless,
but desiring more of the same

                                               -Terry D.