Who’s to Blame?

You can’t continue to blame him if you make the decision to stay.  As women, we would like to believe that it’s our civic duty to change a man.  Even when we’ve seen all the signs and then some, we stay with the anticipation that things will get better.  The worse it becomes, the more excuses we formulate instead of accepting the reality.  People change because and when they are ready or want to change.  If someone continues to cheat on you, but you choose to repeatedly forgive them, who’s to blame?  Yes, cheating is wrong, but are you wrong for not leaving?  Stop being an enabler to the habits of infidelity. 

We would like to see the best in others, but don’t stay and begin to compartmentalize and stereotype men, because you choose to STAY!  We begin developing an internal detestation and blame men for all of our problems.  At this point, you’re just as responsible for not being proactive in taking control of your own destiny.  People will only do to you what is allowed.  More often than not, if he has decided to cheat or not commit to you, it’s an intrinsic character flaw, that has little to do with you.

There definitely has to be accountability, but it’s not up to you to make someone be accountable.   You can only choose to walk away and create your own path to happiness, and stop depending on someone else to do it.  When you take pride in yourself, and learn to love you, you can begin to dwell in a place that breeds peace, and all that your heart desires will follow…

-Terry D.

Interracial marriage in US hits new high: 1 in 12

Interracial marriage in US hits new high: 1 in 12.

I’m perplexed by the range of controversial conversations that continue to center around interracial relationships.  Even in the year 2012, it’s still a button pusher.  As I poll African-American women and men, the conversations instantly heat up.  Most, but not all African-American women are indifferent to interracial relationships, because they feel it lessens their chances at finding a significant other.  On the other hand, are you limiting your own chances at love, if you only want to date one race? African-American men are not as opposed, but say that the moment they see “their” women with a man from another race, it immediately triggers a sense of betrayal. 

The US Census Bureau reports that 17.1% blacks and 9.4% whites who married in 2010 has a spouse of a different race!  Out of 275,500 new interracial marriages in 2010:

  • 43% White – Hispanic
  • 14.4 White – Asian
  • 11.9% White – Black

In all, it goes on to state that 15% of new marriages are interracial, and that African-Americans, the younger generation and higher educated are more likely to marry outside of their race.   Are these statistics indicative that acceptance is more prevalent, or that society has decided not to care what others think when it comes to their personal love life?

Are Americans of any race/culture being criticized and ostracized for their preference to love freely?  It’s almost as if you’re being told that your heart should only love one color.  It is true that you have more in common with your own race, but that’s why the world is made up of so many different people.  It would make for a boring world if we were all the same.

-Terry D.

Psychological Passion by Terry D.

We make love every night,
as you seduce me with no actual physicality,
but verbally massaging my mind
mentally kissing my soul
gently fondling my wounds
as you slowly undress my heart.

I drift away dreaming of how you
made love to my mind
tucked me In
 with the gentle persuasion
of your verbal articulation.

The constant stimulation
of the mental seduction
leaves me breathless,
but desiring more of the same

                                               -Terry D.

He, She & Them?

STOP STOP STOP involving everyone in your relationship.  Didn’t your mom teach you, “What goes on in this house, stays in this house?”  If you’re having issues, talk to the person you’re having them with.  No one is a better suitor than your mate.  Outsiders are not always optimistic, and immediately begin to judge without ever having the full story.  Why do we take an outsider’s opinion over logic, and what we already know to be true?  No matter the difficulties, we still know the real “Him.”   

As women, we always accuse men of not communicating, and that may sometimes be true, and you may be a great communicator, but if you’re doing it with everyone but him, what good is it?  Once you begin to paint your mate as this deplorable individual, you can’t be upset with others for the way they view and treat him.  Your friends and family will typically take your side and he won’t have a chance in Hell with them.  Now you’ve placed yourself and your relationship in a constant defensive mode.  It’s nobody’s business what goes on in your relationship.   You have to be mature enough to hash it out, even when it’s not pleasant. 

Wo”MAN” up and handle your business!    The way you handle your relationship woes is only a compass for the direction in which your relationship is headed.  When nosy people are poking around in your relationship, you have to quite frankly, SHUT THEM DOWN!  Misery actually does love company, and it’s up to you in which direction you decide to steer your relationship.  If the relationship is worth saving, have some staying power, figure it out  TOGETHER and keep it moving… 

-Terry D.

Valentine’s Day Blues

Do you have the Valentine’s Day Blues?  There are a lot of singles who feel lonely on Valentine’s Day, but the caveat to that is, there are a lot of women in relationships that feel lonely on Valentine’s Day too!  This is the one holiday that will distinguish your real title of “The One” from “The Jump-Off.”   We usually already know our status, but there are certain indicators that hit home more than others, and you have no one to blame but yourself if you accept it. 

Valentine’s Day has become such an important date to us, that we don’t mind NOT spending the actual day with our significant other, just as long as some sense of acknowledgment is in place.  A band-aid, “if you will,” but when you snatch it off, the same wound and sting still exist.  Valentine’s Day has become a showcase to prove our relationship status to others.  When you go home and the reality kicks in, and you’re left to spend the evening alone, all the flowers, balloons and candy won’t be enough to soothe or mend your broken heart.  If you’re consumed by the visual presentation, you’re setting yourself up for failure. 

If you don’t actually have a “Valentine”, use this as a day to love yourself and not allow yourself to be depressed and  defined by ONE day.  Don’t get me wrong, if you have someone in your life, certainly you should expect to spend it together in your own special way.  In the meantime, start treating yourself the way you want someone else to treat you.  Therefore, the next time Valentine’s Day rolls around, and you have that special “boo” you know exactly what to expect and leave little room for disappointment! 

Love shouldn’t take you out of character, or be dictated to you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

-Terry D.

Woman to Woman

I’ve witnessed the relationships between women today become almost non-existent.  As women, we are equipped with an abundance of strength, tenacity and resilience, but we can’t capitalize off of it, because of our inability to support one another.  When I was growing up, women had their issues, but they were also”Ride or Die.”  What happened to those values? If my mom was in a bind, there were several people she could lean on for support.  When something good happened to them, they gathered at one house, cooked for one another and celebrated. When I was the youngest woman on my job, the older women took me under their wings, and taught me the ropes, but that concept is long gone.  We’re so afraid if we lend any assistance to one another, they might make it before us.  I’ve grappled over many theories, and none of them really made any sense.  One theory that made more sense than others is; the women in the past had limited resources, but they pulled them together and made it work.  With each generation, we’re afforded more resources, but as we attain more, it makes us more selfish.  Our insecurities are completely exposed the moment we feel threatened. 

The very minute we see someone else living their dreams and achieving their goals, the judgment begins.  Who does she think she is?  I can’t stand her, she thinks she’s better than everyone else, she’s so arrogant, but in reality it’s all silent, but mostly very loud ENVY.   Instead of hoping and wishing someone else fails, get to work on your own dreams.  When you are focused on you, it leaves no room for “HATE.”  My mom always taught me that there will always be someone out there better looking than you, more successful than you, but you can only be the best you, you can be.  God has made us all in His image; therefore, no one can take from you what He has for you!

I marvel when I see women doing their thing – it does my heart good, and only encourages me to know that I can do the same.  When you’re able to celebrate another, it only makes room for the blessings that God has already ordained for you.     

For our past teachings, we inhaled the knowledge and are now breathing an air of love, values, morals and power. -Terry D.

If you dig one ditch you better dig two, because the ditch you dig may be for you. -Mahalia Jackson

-Terry D.

It’s Extra if you come with baggage

Yes, it is true… It is extra if you come with baggage. I’m fed up with everyone thinking it’s okay to dump their past baggage on me, and thinking I’m suppose to accept it. If you’re not ready to check your bag at the door, then don’t knock at mine, because I don’t have any extra compartments. We all come with extra baggage and issues, but we have to know which bags are too full.

The cold hard truth is, we empty our bags from a previous relationship, and expect someone else to rifle through and sort out our dirty laundry. Before we decide to involve ourselves with someone else, we have to be fair to them, as well as ourselves and detoxify. If you don’t cleanse your heart, mind and spirit of excess emotional and mental baggage, you repeat the same cycle; because you’re looking for someone to else to do for you, what you’re required to do for yourself. It’s almost like a “curse” that won’t go away, because with each relationship you will add another bag.

Don’t be afraid to get some professional help if you think it’s necessary. We tend to think if we seek help, it’s a sign of weakness but it’s actually empowering, because it allows you to unload all your frustrations, and see yourself through a set of objective eyes.   You have to be open and ready to receive the feedback.   

Every relationship carries its own weight of issues, and if you spend too much time trying to clean up your past, your present will soon be your past as well.

In the words of Erykah Badu, “BAG LADY, YOU GONE HURT YO BACK.”

-Terry D.