Ping Pong Love Jones – Part 1

You go back, back & forth & forth with the Ping Pong Love Jones!  Why do we insist on going back for more?  We know the relationship is over, and it meant us no good, but we get that 4a.m. phone call at that vulnerable moment, and bam, before you know it, you are sleeping with the enemy again.  We know our mama told us there ain’t nothing open after midnight but legs and 7-eleven.  At first we reason with ourselves and justify every reason why we picked up that phone, but in the end, we may not want to admit it to others, but none of them really made any sense.  It doesn’t take us long to realize why they’re our ex in the first place, but can’t’ seem to resist the temptation of that “one last” good-bye.  That last good-bye turns into a series of many lasts.  We actually begin convincing ourselves that maybe it wasn’t so bad in the first place, but knowing all along nothing could be further from the truth.  In all actuality, we’re just postponing the inevitable and digging a deeper hole.  It all seems harmless, because he certainly has to love me if he wants me back, but we quickly realize the phone calls only seem to come in the middle of the night and there are no real dates involved this time around; only booty calls and the calls to set up the next booty call. 

While we know we have no business being back in this toxic relationship, our hearts and minds just can’t seem to align.  Hoping and Praying  that it will be better this time around, but it’s not.  Before long, we are crying ourselves to sleep, questioning our worth, wondering if we will ever find someone else or even if we deserve it.  So, before we decide this time that it is really over, we want to talk to them, just to make sure we aren’t making a mistake and then the dreaded conversation takes a turn that we may have expected, but certainly didn’t want to hear.  “I thought we were just having a little fun.”  We begin judging ourselves harshly because, how can I allow this to happen yet again?        

After we hang up the phone and cry, think about all the what if’s, and wish the worst possible things on earth would happen to this person, we fall asleep and wake up wishing it was all a dream and try to put the pieces of our hearts back together.

-Terry D.

How do you Define Romance?

Why do we say we want respect and romance, romance definition and immediately become offended when he isn’t trying to sleep with you right away?  Have we lost the ability to sense a good man or are we confused about what we really want?  Are we sending the wrong message, by making sexual advances, because he doesn’t?  Have we been hanging with the Mr. Wrong’s so long, that we no longer recognize Mr. Right?  We become cynical in our depiction of men, due to bad relationship experiences, and almost lose our capacity to identify love.  I don’t believe it’s so much as we don’t know what we want, but instead after relationship failures, we question our value, lack love for ourselves and begin thinking we are only defined by our sexual worth.   If he gives into your advances because of the pressure to prove his manhood, will he still respect you?  Does it make you feel undesirable when he doesn’t try to sleep with you, or is that all you feel you have to offer?  You’re so much more than a sexual being, and until you recognize that, you will continue to accept less than you deserve or desire.  If you truly are aware of what you want vs. what you don’t want, take inventory and take no prisoners.  You don’t have to be a hard ass, but you do have to be adamant about your deal breakers, but more importantly, stop wasting your time; because if you’re not ready to do that, you are a walking target for a series of romance-less relationships.

If romance and respect is what you want, then say that and keep your panties on.  When you project physically what you emotionally and mentally want, guess what – you will get it!  You have to own the confidence and not compromise your values.  If he doesn’t want to romance you, without the sex, you need to keep it moving, because that sounds a lot like a trade-off; and we both know what sex for pay is considered.  One key factor is, giving in and compromising what you believe in, will not get you any closer to your goal of attaining true love.  If we didn’t think so little of ourselves and not use sex as a bargaining chip, we would be surprised at the real bond that romance and sexless intimacy can bring.  You can’t hold him accountable without holding yourself accountable.  Sometimes it takes you taking a step back from relationships, and learning more about yourself and all that you have to offer in order to become comfortable  and not selling yourself cheap. 

Close your legs, open your mind and let the romance begin!

-Terry D.

Premature Submission

There’s a difference in prematurely submitting to your potential husband and exhibiting wife-like material characteristics.  If you’re at the point where you’re ready to be married and have decided you need to do more to display the characteristics and your readiness to be a wife; are you submitting to your potential husband, or just displaying that you’re wife material?  It’s almost like getting the cow without purchasing the milk.  You don’t have to compromise yourself in order to demonstrate your wife-like qualities.  Desperation sometimes causes us to alter and act outside of our normal character and make unsound decisions.  Do we look for husband-like traits in him, or get lost in trying to prove ourselves, get off course and become unequally yoked? 

If you’re engaged in a relationship with someone who is contemplating marrying you, but suggests that they’re not sure if you’re wife material, just maybe he’s not husband material.  As women, we get so caught up in trying to prove ourselves that we’re often proving ourselves to men who don’t always deserve it.  In the end, we would have jumped through hoops, only to find that he really didn’t want to marry us in the first place.  Although we all make mistakes, we usually have an intuition when something isn’t right, but often ignore the signs, and end up living a life of regret and resentment.  Don’t rush your season before its time.  When we are true to ourselves, our intuition won’t lead us down the wrong path.  You already know your worth, and it shouldn’t be up for negotiation.  

Truth be told, submission is for your husband, and not for your husband to be. 

-Terry D.

Are you reducing your chances at Love?

Are you reducing your chances of meeting him by having too many stipulations?  When you’re a teenager, you have this ideology of what Mr. Right will look like, what kind of car he will drive, etc.  Well as you mature, you begin to prioritize and rationalize these same expectations of perfection.  You come to learn that he may not be 6’4”, light with hazel eyes and driving the Maybach Benz.  If you’re seeking true love, stability and a solid foundation, you have to make sound and mature choices.

As women, it’s difficult to dismiss our idea of what we’ve always wanted, even if we know it’s outside of the realm of reality.  It’s almost as if we’ve conformed to what society says a “Successful couple” looks like, but that doesn’t create happy or lasting relationships.  It doesn’t matter what someone else thinks, as long as he makes you happy. 

Does the complexion of someone, the car they drive or the job they hold define their character?  How can you ever be sure of what your type is, if you have tunnel vision?  Sure, we all want this picture perfect mate, but that’s just not reality.  I”m not suggesting that you have to settle for someone you don’t want, but to simply open your mind.  Until you expand your limited mindset, you may just find yourself single a little longer.  Standards and stipulations are not the same thing, and it’s up to you to decide what’s important to you, true happiness or only what it looks like from the outside. 

Open your mind to the endless possibilities and increase your odds!

 -Terry D.

The Mis-Education of the Single Ladies (20 Questions…)

  1. Why do we as single ladies feel we must pimp ourselves out in order to get and/or keep a man? 
  2. Why do we accept less than what we want just to have a man?  (Settling)
  3. Why do you accept flirting from men when they’re with their woman, and think she’s dumb for letting it happen? 
  4. Why do we lie about the status of our relationship in order to save face? 
  5. Who told you it was a crime to be single? 
  6. Who told you it is okay to accept cheating, as long as he’s taking care of home? 
  7. Why do you stay so long without any promise of marriage? 
  8. Why do you think he loves you, just because you’re having sex on a regular? 
  9. Why are we having sex before marriage?
  10. Why do you think its okay to sleep with someone else’s husband? 
  11. Why do you think you’re the one who’s going to change him?   
  12. Why do you want him to have everything on point, and you don’t?
  13. Why do we think we’re not worth more?
  14. Why do we think all men are dogs, and think we’re going to attract a good one?
  15. Why do we think, “How did she get a man, and I don’t have one?”
  16. Why are we so afraid to be alone?
  17. Why don’t we accept we could be the reason we’re single?
  18. Why is it so hard to move on from bad relationships?
  19. Why don’t we make ourselves available?
  20. Why does being single make us desperate?

-Terry D.

Raise Your Son to Love Early

As single moms, we have to do better at teaching our sons to love, and that crying does not make him weak.  We shouldn’t want to raise our sons to be the men we don’t want to date or marry.  I’ve found that as single parents, we try to overcompensate for the lack, inadvertently becoming enablers.  We don’t correct them if they have multiple girlfriends, we wait on them hand and foot and we don’t teach them to clean or cook because we want them to grow up and be manly men.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, and she was telling me about how her son had his own apartment, but when he wants to cheat, he brings his other girlfriends to her house.  I was stunned as she told me this story as she laughed saying, “Girls are so stupid.”  As my mouth hung open, I thought to myself, are you the stupid one, and is she serious?  Not only is she teaching him to be disrespectful to women, but did she ever stop to think, she would never want a man to treat her in this manner, nor would she want someone to treat her daughter like that.    I’m sure we’ve all had similar conversations with our girlfriends, and they’re joking and saying, “Girl he is a trip.”  He has more women that I can keep up with, or we’ve been that mom uttering those same words ourselves.  I’m sorry, but I don’t see the humor in this. Double standards can sometimes send the wrong message.  As “Modern Day” moms, we accept any and everything, and we try to be our children’s friend and not their parent.  It’s also in the way we conduct ourselves as single women in relationships.  If we are flaunting multiple men in front of them like we’re running an escort service, we are essentially teaching them that it’s okay to be disrespectful to women, because that’s what mama did.

I think we take for granted that they just know better, but that’s not always the case.  I was having a conversation with a family member of mine (early 20’s) and explaining to him, how it wasn’t cool to lead women on.  His interpretation was that it was okay for him to go out with multiple women if he wasn’t having sex with them all.  He asked, “What’s the big deal?”  If they don’t mind, why should I?” 

When my siblings and I were growing up, my mom didn’t tolerate disrespectful behavior toward women from my brothers.  If they had a girlfriend, she was the only one allowed in our home.  She made it clear to them that her home was not a motel, and if that’s how they were going to conduct themselves, they wouldn’t do it around her.    

We teach our boys not to hit women, we teach them not to initiate fights, how to read and write and all the essentials they need to grow to be productive adults, so why is it so difficult to teach them to respect women?

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.  Proverbs 22:6

 -Terry D.

STOP Living the LIE…

STOP living the lie… 

There are countless women in unsatisfying, unhealthy and deadend relationships, but are afraid to own up to it.  When you begin to shine a light on relationship woes, people begin to shy away from  the subject for fear of being exposed.  I completely understand, because I was once one of those women. Here’s a brief insight of what my unhealthy relationship looked like:

On the surface, my relationship appeared ideal, and although some of my friends knew of my sleepless nights and tear-stained pillow, I did a pretty good job at concealing the truth.  No matter how much I lived through this lie, the proof was in the pudding.  Although I was in a relationship, I felt like I was single.  In my heart I knew I didn’t belong with him, but somehow justified it on every turn.  I allowed what others thought of me to dictate my status.  All the examples I saw of healthy relationships had no resemblance to my own, but I kept up the appearance in order to avoid the questions, judgement and stigmas that came along with being single.  Every time we fought (not physically) or argued, I played out in my head how I would end it for good this time, but always found a reason to stay a little longer, just chipping away at my spirit.  I’m sure there are other ladies who live this same lackluster life.  Just know that you don’t have to, because at the end of the day, you are in control of  your heart.  Most of the times, others will tell you to stay because of their own fear, inability or lack of strength to leave.  Sometimes it’s just because we don’t always know how to leave!  I once had a really close friend of mine to tell me that when I was ready I would leave, because she had been through the same thing.  Well, she was right.  When I was ready, I left and never looked back.  The truth is, the emotional and mental abuse was a nightmare.  I can’t compare it to physical abuse, because I’ve never experienced that, but I felt like I was being hit daily, because it took  years to heal.

The compelling similarities that stick out like a sore thumb in your failed relationship, will definitely hit home.  Truth be told, if you’ve been in a relationship, good or bad, we all have a story to tell.  I’ve learned that my honesty about my experiences have intrigued others to want to know more, and look to me as their confidant and for advice. As I continue to use my life experiences and journeys to be a tool to help others, I discover new things about myself along the way as well.  If you don’t use your test as testimonies, you’re blocking someone else’s blessing of being released.   

The thing about our relationship behaviors is, we tend to think if we have repeated relationship failures that we are just dysfunctional beings, who have bad karma, or just will never get it right.    Nothing could be further from the truth.  It’s painful to think that our parents, siblings or some other relative could be the root cause to our behaviors and decision-making.  The truth of the matter is, it’s actually the reason we act the way we do, but it doesn’t have to be the reason we remain this way.  Other times, we just make bad decisions.   Sometimes, just simply identifying the initiating factor can be an eye opener.  Let me offer you a few tools that were instrumental in my road to healing:

  • Don’t be afraid to admit that you’ve failed at a relationship
  • Admit your part you played in the relationship failing
  • Stop beating up on yourself and claiming doom on future relationships
  • Get the naysayers out of your head (they will make you believe you’re not worthy of love & get on a self-pity wagon with you)
  • Make sure you have a support base (family, friends)
  • Surround yourself with people who love you and will tell you what you need to hear, and not what you want to hear
  • Talk to somebody(professional or otherwise)
  • Listen and apply the advice that is offered to you
  • Forgive him (easier said than done, but this is key to your freedom)
  • Begin spending time around others with healthy relationships and ask questions on how they sustain the happiness
  • Do YOU for a while ALONE

-Terry D.