STOP living the lie…
There are countless women in unsatisfying, unhealthy and deadend relationships, but are afraid to own up to it. When you begin to shine a light on relationship woes, people begin to shy away from the subject for fear of being exposed. I completely understand, because I was once one of those women. Here’s a brief insight of what my unhealthy relationship looked like:
On the surface, my relationship appeared ideal, and although some of my friends knew of my sleepless nights and tear-stained pillow, I did a pretty good job at concealing the truth. No matter how much I lived through this lie, the proof was in the pudding. Although I was in a relationship, I felt like I was single. In my heart I knew I didn’t belong with him, but somehow justified it on every turn. I allowed what others thought of me to dictate my status. All the examples I saw of healthy relationships had no resemblance to my own, but I kept up the appearance in order to avoid the questions, judgement and stigmas that came along with being single. Every time we fought (not physically) or argued, I played out in my head how I would end it for good this time, but always found a reason to stay a little longer, just chipping away at my spirit. I’m sure there are other ladies who live this same lackluster life. Just know that you don’t have to, because at the end of the day, you are in control of your heart. Most of the times, others will tell you to stay because of their own fear, inability or lack of strength to leave. Sometimes it’s just because we don’t always know how to leave! I once had a really close friend of mine to tell me that when I was ready I would leave, because she had been through the same thing. Well, she was right. When I was ready, I left and never looked back. The truth is, the emotional and mental abuse was a nightmare. I can’t compare it to physical abuse, because I’ve never experienced that, but I felt like I was being hit daily, because it took years to heal.
The compelling similarities that stick out like a sore thumb in your failed relationship, will definitely hit home. Truth be told, if you’ve been in a relationship, good or bad, we all have a story to tell. I’ve learned that my honesty about my experiences have intrigued others to want to know more, and look to me as their confidant and for advice. As I continue to use my life experiences and journeys to be a tool to help others, I discover new things about myself along the way as well. If you don’t use your test as testimonies, you’re blocking someone else’s blessing of being released.
The thing about our relationship behaviors is, we tend to think if we have repeated relationship failures that we are just dysfunctional beings, who have bad karma, or just will never get it right. Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s painful to think that our parents, siblings or some other relative could be the root cause to our behaviors and decision-making. The truth of the matter is, it’s actually the reason we act the way we do, but it doesn’t have to be the reason we remain this way. Other times, we just make bad decisions. Sometimes, just simply identifying the initiating factor can be an eye opener. Let me offer you a few tools that were instrumental in my road to healing:
- Don’t be afraid to admit that you’ve failed at a relationship
- Admit your part you played in the relationship failing
- Stop beating up on yourself and claiming doom on future relationships
- Get the naysayers out of your head (they will make you believe you’re not worthy of love & get on a self-pity wagon with you)
- Make sure you have a support base (family, friends)
- Surround yourself with people who love you and will tell you what you need to hear, and not what you want to hear
- Talk to somebody(professional or otherwise)
- Listen and apply the advice that is offered to you
- Forgive him (easier said than done, but this is key to your freedom)
- Begin spending time around others with healthy relationships and ask questions on how they sustain the happiness
- Do YOU for a while ALONE