Pick your Battles

Why do we insist on creating unnecessary strife, both consciously and subconsciously?  We need to pick our battles, because every situation does not warrant an argument or screaming match.  Most of our aggressive behavior toward resolution comes from how we saw others in our families or those closest to us resolve disputes.  We have to choose which path we will take in order to maintain the peace, as well as our sanity.  They say, “That sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  I completely disagree, because words can cut like a two edge sword.   Sometimes it’s like an out-of-body experience that takes over and we begin shooting below the belt, and these are things that we can’t take back no matter how hard we try. 

After we retire to our separate corners and think about all that has transpired, we replay each horrific word that was exchanged and a sense of regret comes over us, wishing we could have a do over.  The sad part about it is, each time we go through this, we know what the end result will be, but can’t seem to control our erratic emotions. 

More than not, the arguments stem from something that has nothing to do with him/her, but as simple as having a bad day at work, or someone else has made you upset for the day, but we bring all this excess baggage home with us.  If these are things that you have identified as triggers, you can make the decision to take some quiet time to yourself until you have calmed down.  This way, you can discuss what made you upset, and your mate can offer solace and not feel like they’re being attacked.  He/She is not the enemy! 

The simple things we argue about:

  • The infamous toilet seat
  • Dinner choices
  • Temperature of  the house
  • What to watch on television

The first thing you must do is sit down and calmly discuss the reasons for the disputes and find a better way to discuss them without flaring tempers.  As mature adults, you have to make the decision of what’s more important, you winning or your relationship.  The core reason why the argument continues is because we want to have the last word.  If you feel you are not able to resolve your disputes without it escalating, it’s time to get some professional help and get to the root of the real problem.  You will find that the disputes usually stem from something deeper than what’s on the surface.

Pick your battles and learn to walk away.  It’s perfectly okay to apologize, even if you feel you were right!  Compromise and humility goes a long way!

-Terry D.

Breaking the Cycle of Unhealthy Relationships

If you continue to be involved in unhealthy relationships, it almost becomes like an infection that eats away at your heart.  We condition our minds to believe that we either don’t deserve more, or we just haven’t figured out how to break the cycle.  If we have only ever witnessed dysfunctional relationships, we tend to follow the same patterns.  Being involved in these relationships can deplete our self-esteem and fool us into believing that we have no self-worth.  Before you even realize it, you’re always generalizing all men as “Cheating no good dogs” and have convinced yourself that there are no good men left.  When our friends speak about their relationships, we quickly begin judging them, and doubting their sincerity.  It’s difficult for us to even fathom ever experiencing a healthy relationship, let alone believing that others are involved with someone who isn’t unfaithful, abusive or disrespectful. 

In order to break this ugly cycle, you have to first learn to love yourself, which is why it’s been so difficult to attract the right man.  Your lack of confidence and self-esteem sticks out like a sore thumb and will leave you vulnerable.  You also have to believe that there are actually good men that still exist, and that you deserve one; and you’re better than what you previously led yourself to believe.  Stop speaking ill will into your life, and welcome love instead.  Iron sharpens iron; therefore, you have to make sure that you are surrounding yourself around people who are involved in positive and healthy relationships.  Your confidence will certainly exude and command nothing less than what you deserve.  You are good enough, but if you don’t believe that, no one else will either. 

Resist the devil, and he will flee.  James 4:7

Terry D.

Empty Love

//www.gooddeedsmovie.com/index.html#/gallery As I sat and watched Tyler Perry’s movie, “Good Deeds,” it started me to thinking about how many of us are in functioning relationships with no real substance, because it looks good on paper, or it’s just what you’ve attuned yourself to.  The relationship portrayed in this movie seemed almost robotic.  They both were very successful individuals that had no genuine quality of life despite their wealth, because it was essentially arranged, and they wanted to save face; which leads me to my point. They had robotic sex, their daily routines became monotonous and he spent endless hours in the office – which screamed unhappiness to me. 

How many of us are in relationships, because we’re afraid of what others will think?  We cheat and rob ourselves and our significant other of happiness when we remain in empty relationships.  It’s like wearing a mask and living a lie that conceals all the pain, deceit and  emptiness.   //www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaO8f_eA4aM&feature=player_embedded  Some couples don’t have the courage or strength to walk away, because of what it might look like to others.  There are real everyday people who live the same pretentious lives, but because of their success and many material acquisitions, we often mistake it for happiness.  The difference between the movie and us, is when they’re done acting, it’s over.  We spend years in these same kinds of relationships, and often not recognizing the dysfunctions ourselves, because the fog of false perception has actually clouded our own realities.  It took another woman to shock the actor (Tyler Perry) in Good Deeds into reality about his fruitless and unrewarding life.

If you’re involved in a pretentious and empty relationship, what will be your moment of reckoning?

-Terry D.

I am Woman, Hear me Roar!!!

I am independent, and I can do things for me is our “National Anthem.”  We make men think we don’t need them and then we get upset when he doesn’t want to come to our aid.  It’s great that you can handle your business, because this has not always been the case; but we need to learn how to let him be a man, and not lose ourselves in the interim.  You can have your six (6) figures, drive your fancy cars and “roll with the big dogs,” but everyone wants to feel needed.  The moment things get a little rough, we are accusing him of not being a provider, or being there for you.

Nowadays men can appreciate a woman who doesn’t always have her hand out, but also REAL MEN like to feel like they are the protector and provider for their family.    You don’t have to dumb down, but you also don’t have to take on the weight of the world.  It can be a hard habit to break, because we’ve become accustomed to having to do things for ourselves for so long, that it’s hard to recognize, and even more harder to believe that he wants to relieve some of your pressure. 

If we don’t find a way to pull it in, we will be roaring alone. 

Good men who are not intimidated by a successful woman are actually turned on by women who are doing it.

It will actually make him want to be there for you that much more, because you don’t appear needy.

Learn to be a quiet storm, and still enjoy the fruits of your labor!  As much as we like being strong, it’s refreshing and just feels good to be rescued, and to know that if we weren’t so strong, or needed a hand, there is some there who has your back.     -Terry D.

Desperate Measures (Inspired from an episode of BET’s “The Game”)

 After watching (BET’s, “The Game”), it really started me to thinking about women over 40 who are single! Do we begin settling from frustration and fear of being alone after a certain age? I watched Tasha Mack (BET’s, “The Game”) as she visibly became frustrated and defeated from not having a significant other. In fact, she became so frustrated that she unknowingly hired an escort for sexual favors, but even after finding out, after a brief moment of anger, she agreed to continue paying this gentleman for his “services.” It was a sad display of despondency to witness, and became even more undignified. She looked unraveled and desperate to say the least. While some felt a sense of empathy for her, others felt like she did what she had to do. Men can sniff out desperation a mile away, and if they have no true substance, they will take advantage of that moment to pounce.

Although it wasn’t a pleasant scene to watch, it is the reality for some! Not as far as to pay an escort, but just to seek desperate measures in order to have the company of a man. Her motives weren’t so much that she wanted to have a full-time partner, but she just wanted her sexual needs met – which is another talk show. It’s so easy to mistake sex for intimacy when we are jaded by a lonely heart. If I can speak for most women, we would prefer intimacy over sex. NEWS FLASH – They are not one in the same!

There is a difference in being alone and being lonely. Some people have problems with being alone, and will settle for being involved in a not so satisfying relationship as an end to a means; and when you’re lonely you make remorseful and illogical decisions. The acceptance of degradation of women has actually become our norm and desensitized us to respect ourselves.  The message from this show should not have been admiration or to mimic the actions of this actress, but to check yourself where you stand! It has been my experience that we love uttering the words, “my boyfriend.” You can almost always identify a new relationship, or even a person that needs to be validated by having someone in their life, because they will always find a way to work the subject of their “boyfriend” in the conversation.

Don’t allow loneliness or desperation to alter your character.

What are your thoughts?

-Terry D.

Creating a Brigther Tomorrow

Creating a Brigther Tomorrow

“In order to create a brighter tomorrow, step into your destiny, extinguish fear and allow your dreams to come to fruition.”

Your future emanates from past experiences – good or bad.
-Terry D.

Leasing With an Option to Buy…

My best friend once told me that it doesn’t take men long to decide whether or not they’re feeling you, let alone marry you.  He may not be interested in engaging in a monogamous long-term relationship with you, but won’t turn down the opportunity to lay and play with you in the interim.  He will definitely string you along, and play you like a piano until something better comes along. You can’t make anyone love you, or step up to the plate, but you certainly can love yourself and step off! 

He’s only leasing with an option to buy:

When you purchase a car, you first go shopping for it, and at first sight, your rationale is not so rational, because everything is so shiny and new.  You test drive a few to get a feel for it, and decide whether or not you’re interested.   You may even go to a few dealers, shop for a better deal, weighing all your options, and researching all the fine amenities that come with it or may be optional, because it is a long-term commitment.   

When you opt to lease, you have a little bit more flexibility.  You still make payments, but you don’t own it!  You have the option to trade it in after a couple of years, if you don’t like it, and trade up! 

Test drives are always fun, because you get to sample before you decide to buy!

We were all offended by R. Kelly referring to women as cars, but I guess we now know why.                               

Never make anyone a priority, who makes you an option – Les Brown

-Terry D.