May | 2012 | IamTerryD BLOG with Relationship Coach, Terry D.

As women, we are almost taught from birth to love everyone else, so it’s no wonder that it’s been an uphill battle to love ourselves, or even be able to recognize when others may not love us. We give unconditional love to our children, love our families and we certainly love the men in our lives through many toils. When our children disappoint us because of our self-appointed expectations or just mere disregard, it does something to our heart, but we get over it. We love our families in spite of our disagreements, because as the saying goes, “You can’t choose your family.” These are people in our lives that we love just because…When it comes to matters of the heart, we internalize the feeling of the unreturned love and almost become ambassadors for trying to change it and the outcome.

I have to think that these learned lessons of love carry over into our Adult love lives with the opposite sex. Somewhere along the way, we didn’t learn to separate the acceptance of love. We didn’t learn that all is not fair in love. Although it’s not okay to allow anyone to mistreat you or your heart, the toleration we learned from loving our family and friends translate in how we accept the unacceptable in relationships. For so long, we’ve adapted to forgiveness for the crimes committed against our hearts.

We automatically believe we’re innately programmed to love ourselves; therefore we miss and ignore the signs when we fail to do so. Essentially, this is true since God is love. We start off loving ourselves, but then almost teach others how to NOT love us by not holding them or ourselves accountable. We have to love ourselves unconditionally in order to expect someone else to do the same. The realization of our inability to love ourselves cuts like a knife, but when you face the reality, it opens the door for healing and loving yourself the way you’ve always loved everyone else.

Love YOU FIRST… before you try to love anyone else.

-Terry D.

After having a conversation on face book, I realized that it is very difficult for Adults to have conversations about sex. I know that because there are 0 to few responses when there are posts about Sex. I’m not suggesting anyone air their dirty laundry, but the conversations have to be had, and can be done maturely! If we had just as much difficulty when actually engaging in the act, maybe there would be less STD’s and single parents. Sex plays an important role in most relationships, although it shouldn’t control the relationship. Both men and women expect that the other person should know what they want or like, without ever telling them. If you decide to engage in sex without even discussing it, there are definitely a number of variables involved. Communicating your needs, wants, likes, dislikes and limits could avoid an inordinate amount of heartache.

Have you discussed your form of contraception? Condoms can break – does the woman use other forms of birth control?
What if there are medical conditions that limit their performance?
What if the other person doesn’t have as healthy of a sex drive as you? When you’ve vested time in this person, now you feel stuck and unsatisfied.
What if the person has been assaulted as a child, or even an adult and now has intimacy issues? This would be good to know and address and be able to work through and get counseling.
Has the person ever had any STD’s? Even though (I HOPE) you’re using protection, this would definitely be something good to know.
Do you either of you have orgasm issues? If this is the case, it can certainly make your partner feel inadequate if they struggle in this arena.
Are you monogamous or sleeping with other people? You need to establish the commitment level of your relationship. This is one of the biggest misconceptions, because there are assumptions when it comes to whether or not you’re in an “Open” relationship.

While this is not a complete list of things to be discussed, it certainly can help to begin the conversations. It all boils down to lack of communication. If sex is used as your form of communication, when all HELL breaks loose and other things aren’t going to so well, the silent pain points are magnified and we begin to focus on all of the other person’s weaknesses.

Instead of couples having these conversations with one another, they go and tell their friends or the person they decided to cheat with because of their dissatisfaction. The only thing your friends can do is listen or give their advice without knowing the entire story. If you choose to cheat with someone because you say you’re not satisfied, you’ll never receive the appropriate advice or help, because of the selfish motives of that person.

More than not, we cause our own relationship issues by lack of communicating our needs. If we knew the answers to these questions before deciding to engage in sex, maybe we could decided before hand if we even wanted to…

After I realized all the soul ties connected to sexual relationships, I finally understood why God commands us to wait until we’re married!

-Terry D.