Monthly Archives: May 2013

Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Unhealthy Relationships

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH – or can You?

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What would happen if we could be utterly, blatantly and unequivocally honest about what we REALLY wanted in a relationship?  If as a woman, you wanted a man to take care of you, and you preferred to be a stay-at-home mom?  We find ourselves on a relationship ferris wheel – always going around once or twice, but once we land on the ground again, we get off.  We get off, because we are not truly honest about what we want, because we suppress our true and honest desires and we become bored and disenfranchised in the relationship.  When we have thought of what an ideal relationship looks like to us, we don’t always share those ideas to a potential mate, because we think it would make us look unattractive, or not “Relationship Material.”  In relationships, we always say we want honesty, but somehow, we learn to live with the “little lies,” just to keep the peace.  If a man told us he only wants sex, or doesn’t want a really serious relationship, would you be able to live with that?  If a woman told you she was only attracted to you because of what she thought you had to offer, would you be okay with that?  Men often say, they don’t want to be used as an ATM, but they come with all the bells and whistles that will make them look more attractive. Hmmm… Women say they don’t want to be viewed as a piece of meat, but use their bodies as pawns, by dressing provocatively to get more attention. 

The BIG one:  Do you really want to know how many people your mate has slept with, or more importantly, how many people you’ve slept with? Sometimes, it’s not always about being honest, if it means that we will hurt someone.  I’m not saying, it’s okay to out right lie to someone, but sometimes we overshare when it comes to things that have no direct bearing on our relationships.

We don’t always say what we always think or say, because we think it will be a deal breaker.  We say what we think is politically correct, or what we think will get us into a relationship, or sometimes what will work for that moment! 

THE DAUNTING QUESTION:  If two people could get together, and be honest about what they really want, would they be more compatible, and be able to remove the masked mountain of lies? 

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Or can you?

Terry D.

Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Love and Relationships, Unhealthy Relationships

Dysfunctional Relationships

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20130523-023401.jpgWhen I broke up with my ex, I thought he was the blame for me being dysfunctional in relationships. Yes, it’s true that he was a habitual cheater and liar, but after I knew this to be the case, I still stayed. Now you tell me, who was to blame? I rationalized and victimized myself. While I knew what I desired in a relationship, and what I had in this relationship, didn’t add up; I couldn’t seem to bring myself to end it. The sleepless nights and uncontrollable crying began to feel normal. I started to only focus on the few good things to make it look like we had the picture perfect relationship. Besides the few who knew the truth, everyone else bought it. I knew I had fallen out of love with him, but it felt better having a man, than not.

When I woke up from this daily nightmare that I physically lived out, it was as if I had been hit by a mountain of rocks, and knew if was time to take back my heart! I had no one to blame, BUT MYSELF!!! I began planning my mental, emotional and physical escape. I had to retrace my steps, and figure out when I became addicted to him, rather than loving him. I went back to the root of the problem, and began digging.

You see, when I was younger, although I saw my parents have a successful marriage, I also saw others that I trusted around me, cheat and lie, and women who accepted mental, emotional and physical abuse. Somehow, society used to be taught not to talk about certain things, and that you’re suppose to hang in there, regardless… Deep down, I knew none of this was right, but I used it as a crutch, and I thought it was too late to get out; but I never lost that voice that continued to scream in my ear — RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, and don’t look back!

I didn’t leave right away, not without a few more lessons that chipped away at my heart. No matter what anyone said, I had to leave when I knew I had enough, because you manage to drown out logic. Everyday was the day… Then “THAT” day, I began to pray for release! I cut off all communication, I began living for me, and I no longer allowed satan to live in my head. As I began to listen to reason, which had never really left, God began to restore me. Trust me when I tell you, he tried every trick in the book, but not this time, I made sure I brought different weapons to the table This time around. I stopped trying to do it on my own!

I can now admit that it took YEARS to rid my heart and spirit of these demons, and for years I gave him an open invitation to my heart, and once I finally mentally let him go, he no longer had any claims to me, and although he was so egotistical that he thought he would always have me, he had no clue that it was finally OVER, and that nothing he could say or do could stand up against the POWER of God’. I knew that the GOD that I serve, would not forsake me. My final freedom came when I forgave him, but more importantly, I forgave myself…

Being addicted to someone, is as powerful as being addicted to anything else. Don’t ever think you can kick the habit without faith and help.

Terry D.

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Sex & Intimacy

Dirty Laundry

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prgrsvimg/th?id=H.4663442222482782&w=207&h=207&c=8&pid=3.1&qlt=90After all the buzz, I finally listened to Kelly Rowland’s new single, “Dirty Laundry.” She sings about her abusive relationship that she kept concealed,as well as her envy of Beyonce.  There have been so many speculations about this song, but after carefully listening to the lyrics, she has freed herself, and  that’s why she’s able to talk freely about it, and it has given life to her bottled up gifts. 

We don’t always have the courage to free ourselves from the strongholds that mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically enslave us…We live lies, walk out that front door, as if all is well and we go on with our everyday lives.  Our minds are twisted and hell ridden, but we haven’t figured out how to let go, how to ask/scream/shout for help.  We begin to rationalize, because we’ve been taught, “What goes on in this house, stays in this house!”  Well, some things need to be screamed to the rooftop.  I think she opened a freeway for women who live lies all of the time, and are afraid to admit it. We want to pretend to have it all together, and we may want to even be happy for the next person, but we don’t know how, because we have no idea of what true happiness even looks like.  That’s why we can’t even celebrate the next woman/person, because of our own insecurities – self-inflicted, or by someone else who didn’t truly love us.  Sometimes, airing your dirty laundry, can be the your road to a clean slate of love, security and freedom. http://youtu.be/Kxgod9lSHTA

Terry D.

Love and Relationships, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Unhealthy Relationships

Sex in place of Love?

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Our first mind would tell us that she’s a tramp, just sleeping around. Most of us would hardly, if ever admit it, but there are more of us than not, that replace love with sex, and sometimes we can’t admit it, because we don’t know it’s what we’re doing. It’s as if we somehow use sex as a drug that gives a temporary fix. Before you even indulge in the act, you may start to feel bad, but somehow, you can’t seem to control it, because it’s all you know – it’s your coping mechanism. It’s a feeling of thinking you will never really find someone to truly love you, so you begin to make yourself believe this is all you have to offer, or hoping if you do it long enough, it will eventually turn into love. We begin the justifications: I’m only human, I have needs, it’s only sex etc.

You tell yourself, that the next person you meet or date, you will take your time and get to know him, but there you are again, faced with the notion that you have to act fast in order to keep him interested, and although we subconsciously know that if he can’t love me for me, and not for just what’s between my legs, I don’t need him; but yet we give in that other conscious that tells us, “It’s okay.” In the heat of the moment, all “common sense” goes out of the window. When we’re alone, we feel like we’ve sold our soul to the devil, and promise ourselves that we’ll never do it again. Self-pity is not going to help you. You have to pray for clarity, forgive yourself and seek out the root cause! There are a number of factors that cause us to believe we’re not worthy:

Broken relationships – Childhood – Abuse – Loneliness and the list goes on…

There is not a price large enough to pay for your dignity and nothing or no one can determine your worth, but you! Sex is just THAT – SEX. It’s a temporary, unfulfilling feel good intimate interaction! I’ve found throughout my life, that there is a clear cut difference between sex and making love. We have sex, until we learn the true meaning of love. When we begin to experience true love, the idea of “JUST SEX” goes out the window, and the emotional ties that bind the two individuals begin to transcend our hearts and minds.

When we experience true love and love making, there is no going back… You want it all or nothing, and now that you know the difference, you are more conscious of your choices, and even if you slip up, you don’t stay there long. Although it seems as though it should be innate for us to value ourselves, life has a way of altering our mindset, but without these experiences, the journey without the experiences are just pop quizzes without a final exam!

Terry D.

Anger Management, Conflict Resolution, Disputes

Series: WHAT ARE YOU MAD ABOUT TODAY?

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I decided to do a Blog Series:  WHAT ARE YOU MAD ABOUT TODAY?

As I am afforded the opportunity to travel the States, I find myself up against some angry woman, snarling or rolling her eyes at me.  I often find myself saying, “Does she need a hug?”  We hoard all this pinned up anger, and unleash it like a roaring beast on any and everything that crosses our paths.  I’ve witnessed the most beautiful women, be the ugliest women ever!  It doesn’t take much, because we automatically walk around with a chip on our shoulders – ready for battle!  Get over it, yourself and stop allowing every little thing and everyone to steal your joy, and trying to steal everyone else’s.

Today – I waited an hour to be seated, and now you’re going to seat me in this not-so-fit booth, and now to add injury to insult, you want to seat me at this table in the middle of the restaurant?  I want to speak with the Manager.  I’m unhappy, I’ve been waiting over an hour, and you’re going to find us a seat.  Another customer is so embarrassed, that they offer to change with you, so you can be seated, but yet that’s still unacceptable and not good enough!  This place is ridiculous, and the customer service is horrible.  We are leaving and never coming back here again.  THANK GOD, BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE ANYWAY!

Now, what did you accomplish here, but:

  1. Waited in line for over an hour
  2. embarrass yourself in front of a crowd of strangers
  3. Prove how ugly your heart is, despite your undeniably beautiful face
  4. Leave the restaurant even more hungry than you did before you came…
  5. NOTHING!!!

HELLO:  NO ONE WANTS AN ANGRY LOUD MOUTH!  SHUT THE “*)#^” UP, AND STOP WITH ALL THE UNNECESSARY DRAMA! 

“People may not remember what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.” – Unknown

Terry D.

 

Disputes, Love and Relationships, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Unhealthy Relationships

The TRUTH about sex…

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TRUTH: Sex is not always just a means to physical satisfaction, but rather an illusion of love that masks pain, and falsely fulfills empty intimacy! Terry D.