When I broke up with my ex, I thought he was the blame for me being dysfunctional in relationships. Yes, it’s true that he was a habitual cheater and liar, but after I knew this to be the case, I still stayed. Now you tell me, who was to blame? I rationalized and victimized myself. While I knew what I desired in a relationship, and what I had in this relationship, didn’t add up; I couldn’t seem to bring myself to end it. The sleepless nights and uncontrollable crying began to feel normal. I started to only focus on the few good things to make it look like we had the picture perfect relationship. Besides the few who knew the truth, everyone else bought it. I knew I had fallen out of love with him, but it felt better having a man, than not.
When I woke up from this daily nightmare that I physically lived out, it was as if I had been hit by a mountain of rocks, and knew if was time to take back my heart! I had no one to blame, BUT MYSELF!!! I began planning my mental, emotional and physical escape. I had to retrace my steps, and figure out when I became addicted to him, rather than loving him. I went back to the root of the problem, and began digging.
You see, when I was younger, although I saw my parents have a successful marriage, I also saw others that I trusted around me, cheat and lie, and women who accepted mental, emotional and physical abuse. Somehow, society used to be taught not to talk about certain things, and that you’re suppose to hang in there, regardless… Deep down, I knew none of this was right, but I used it as a crutch, and I thought it was too late to get out; but I never lost that voice that continued to scream in my ear — RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, and don’t look back!
I didn’t leave right away, not without a few more lessons that chipped away at my heart. No matter what anyone said, I had to leave when I knew I had enough, because you manage to drown out logic. Everyday was the day… Then “THAT” day, I began to pray for release! I cut off all communication, I began living for me, and I no longer allowed satan to live in my head. As I began to listen to reason, which had never really left, God began to restore me. Trust me when I tell you, he tried every trick in the book, but not this time, I made sure I brought different weapons to the table This time around. I stopped trying to do it on my own!
I can now admit that it took YEARS to rid my heart and spirit of these demons, and for years I gave him an open invitation to my heart, and once I finally mentally let him go, he no longer had any claims to me, and although he was so egotistical that he thought he would always have me, he had no clue that it was finally OVER, and that nothing he could say or do could stand up against the POWER of God’. I knew that the GOD that I serve, would not forsake me. My final freedom came when I forgave him, but more importantly, I forgave myself…
Being addicted to someone, is as powerful as being addicted to anything else. Don’t ever think you can kick the habit without faith and help.