We internalize so many pains, that we learn to deal with it and become WAAAAYYY too familiar with disappointment that it seems like the norm! I’m sorry, wait a minute – NO I’M NOT!!!!! I won’t apologize for not being a part of that grin and bear it generation! Somebody, Anybody, EVERYBODY needs to know that I’ve been a damn fool, because when I look like I just might go down that road again, someone can be there to smack some sense into me.
NOW, let’s break this down:
FIRST, you have to know that you have a problem. You can’t keep making excuses as to why you have broken up and gotten back together with the same person so many times, that everyone STOPS listening. Yea yea, we know – this is the last time, I’m never talking to him again, and the next week…Let’s just keep it real, the next day, he’s back up in your bed, apologizing, taking you out for a cheeseburger and paying your cell phone bill. I already know what some of you are thinking! Cell phone bill? Yes- cell phone bill, because although you have rent/mortgage, electric bills and taxes, somehow some of you are real proud to brag about getting your cell phone bill paid. Really?
SECOND, it’s not up to the other person, but for you to start making some changes. It’s not always something you did, but a lesson that is preparing you for the unknown. Take some time for yourself, and allow YOU time to heal. Don’t internalize the pain, and allow it to consume you! NO – it’s not easy, but doable. First and foremost, STOP taking the calls, texts, message in a bottle – whatever, just STOP – there’s an APP for that!
THIRD, don’t sit around trying to figure out who, what, when, where and how. The only thing you need to know is, “What did I contribute to the failure of this relationship?” Therefore, you won’t carry this into your next relationship! More importantly, be glad God has more sense than we do, and loves us enough, when we don’t know how to love ourselves.
Trying to get closure, will send you back into that tailspin relationship, because you’ll keep trying to find out from that other person – what went wrong? Subconsciously, or maybe even consciously, this is another way of holding on. Closure is LETTING GO – point-blank! If someone doesn’t care about you, they surely don’t give a damn if you get closure.
REMEMBER THIS: You had an existence before this relationship, and you can exist after it. This is probably not your first experience with a broken heart, and you didn’t think you’d get through that either, but you did, so you already know you GOT THIS! It always seems impossible when it first happens! The other funny thing is, once you do get over it, it’s like someone turned on the light, and you’re like – What the Efff?
Later when you see your ex, you are now wondering – what did I ever see in them…
Well, at my last conversation party this past weekend with all MEN, Yesssssss, I said all men! If we want to know what his agenda is, and what makes him tick, we have to COMMUNICATE, but more importantly – LISTEN! If we knew everything, would there be so many discussions on Being Single, or how NOT TO BE? It was very informative, because what we think we know about them, is not always the case. After that last relationship, that’s it, I’ve got it – now I understand what men want. Yea, right – nothing could be further from the truth.
The first thing one guy told me was, “Hell, half the time, we don’t know what we want ourselves.” Another one asked, “Why do I give everything she ask me for, and it’s still not enough?” One gentleman said point-blank – “Women need to first figure out what they want, stop looking for men to figure it out for them, and to STOP letting allowing us treat them any kind of way.” He said, “No, it might not be right, but I treat women how they act.”
Gentleman #1: Now get this. There was one man who admitted he was married, and he doesn’t hide that from the women he meet, but they’re still okay with it. Where are the standards? We say what sounds good to the public, but we are living a den of lies, disrespecting ourselves and the wife as a woman. Well, my question for him was, “Why are you cheating on your wife?” He first made excuses, but as we dug deeper, he said he was faithful for over 10 years, and it just happened. I didn’t buy that, because I told him, we all have control over our choices, and to explain how it just happened – did her panties fall off or did you fall on her, and your penis just happen to slip inside of her? He began to tell me how he went down this destructive, toxic and unhealthy path. He honestly asked me, “How do I get myself out of this?” Although he had made some bad decisions in the past, you could see how badly he really wanted to do the right thing, but felt like it was too late.
Gentleman #2: Okay – whewwwww… This gentleman told me that although he had cheated in the past, he always knew he wouldn’t leave his wife, but the “other woman” did everything right, to seriously make him consider it. He began making up excuses to spend time with her, because she was “FUN!” Make no mistake about it, “I had more to lose by leaving my family, than to have a cheap thrill and fun.”
WHAT THEY WANT US TO KNOW…
- Make us respect you
- Sex helps, but doesn’t make us stay
- Most of us WON’T leave our wives for YOU
- We know when you’re desperate
- We know if we want you, and if we don’t have that conversation in the 1st 6 months, we’re just buying time
Synopsis: It’s always easy for people who don’t live with you day in and day out to think you’re amazing. Men do not think like we do ladies, and believe it or not, when you think you’re winning them over by giving them everything they want sexually, at the end of the day, they can get that anywhere. Sex NEVER means the same thing to men that it means to us. Now, that doesn’t mean that men can’t connect emotionally, but their emotions aren’t attached to their penis. He doesn’t have to respect you to sleep with you. We have to respect ourselves enough to know when NOT to get involved and when to bail out! Know that his actions may not line up with his promises, but that you may have set yourself up for failure by not being honest with yourself!
Idealism of love often keeps us from that very thing, because we view it as a fairy tale. BUT, when our dreams of love don’t quite turn out as we’ve always imagined, it not only taints our views, but it leaves a stain in our spirit that makes us question if real love is possible… And everyone that tries to love us, has a higher price to pay than they can afford!
We put so much pressure on the person that wants to love us, because we blindside them by expecting them to live up to a fantasy. We want them to make up for an absent father, a cheating lover, failed relationships and fill the void of love that we aren’t always capable of even showing to ourselves.
So what’s the point?
Glad you asked… Essentially, we are responsible for our own happiness. We have to take back our power! Take back our hearts! Not allow our past to be a constant crutch.
STOP blaming your past, stop holding every single person responsible, because you haven’t let go. The hard truth is; sometimes we can’t let go, because we don’t believe we can, or it feels comfortable, and better than facing the truth. We become familiar with discontent and pain! Men don’t mind rescuing you, because they like feeling needed, but what they don’t like is to be made to feel like a punching bag, or fighting an uphill internal and unresolved battle!
Coach Terry D.