Loving Beyond The Blame…
Monthly Archives: January 2014
Love Chapters Valentine’s Day Giveaway
YES!!!! Get in on the Valentine’s Day Giveaway! How do I do that? Glad you asked!
1st – Subscribe to Love Chapters BLOG and Facebook page, at http://www.facebook.com/lovechapters!
2nd – Submit your love story, along with a photo! Doesn’t have to be lengthy, just a brief summation of how you met your significant other, and what’s your secret to keeping it together, and we’ll vote on the best submissions!
THE DEADLINE to enter is January 31, 2014! Winners will be announced on February 5, 2014!
THE GIVEAWAY: A gift card to a massage parlor, a bottle of wine, rose pedals and candles!
Terry D.
LOVE Yourself
Self Love is a repellant for losers! Try it on for size, and you’ll begin to be a magnet for, “The One!” He’s out there, don’t keep him waiting…
Terry D.
Let’s Talk Scandal
I know it’s on a brief hiatus, but let’s talk Scandal! The oh-so addictive Weekly TV Series, with 
almost 9 million viewers that airs every Thursday night on ABC, written by the brilliant Shonda Rhimes, from my hometown, Chicago, Illinois and Executive Producer of Grey’s Anatomy!
Scandal starring, the beautiful, talented, Emmy nominated Actress, Kerry Washington, the public and social media appointed “It Girl,” who plays Olivia Pope, the HEAD Gladiator! Yes, I know it’s only a TV series, but it can sometimes offer hope to the already delusional group of women who think their lovers will leave their wives.
The steamy love scenes between Olivia and Fitz 
have the viewers glued to their televisions every week, and without hesitation, rooting for the mistress, and not the wife! So what is it that makes us root for the mistress? Do we root for her, because she is who she is, because she has a no non-sense attitude, or because we just love the adrenaline we feel, with the suspense and drama of it all? Married women say they don’t agree, but can’t resist their love for the attraction between Olivia and Fitz; and single women say, the wife is crazy or stupid, because she actually wants Olivia to remain in her husband’s life, so that her husband can stay happy. I will say that, I believe most people root for Kerry Washington (Olivia Pope), because of her poker face character, her famous line, “It’s handled” and not to mention, her stellar and couture style of dress! I do often wonder if it were our own husband, would we be so forgiving of the mistress? It’s funny how we really fool ourselves into thinking this doesn’t affect our personal lives, but when you’re in the salon, or even the barber shop, you hear people comparing people they know who may be the “side chick,” or “jump-off” to the scenes in scandal. It can be slated as entertainment, but when people want to believe in something bad enough, they begin to imagine themselves as these very characters they see on-screen. If you don’t believe me, why else would women who can’t even afford it, rush out to buy the very clothes we see Olivia Pope, (Kerry Washington) wearing on the show, especially the infamous White Burberry Coat she adorned, that had social media in an uproar, and sold out almost immediately when she herself admits that she doesn’t even wear the clothes you see her in each week? More than anything, we overlook her affair with the President, and get lost in the power – wanting to encompass her television lifestyle, without regard to the messy and dysfunctional characteristics. With all her power, intelligence and sought after professional expertise, she has lost all control over her personal life and ability to make sound decisions when it comes to love and relationships.
Media outlets offer suggestive manipulation on a daily basis, and just maybe adults are able to separate what’s going on in this TV series, but what about what’s being suggested to our young women? Would you want your daughters growing up thinking these behaviors are acceptable? Regardless of the entertainment, we have to guard our children’s spirits, and not allow them to get entangled in the webs of deceit! Between the reality shows, videos and shows that glorify adultery, they begin to adopt these same traits, and view them as normal behavior.
My questions: Can Scandal be viewed as a learning tool for those who may be in these situations? Should we just look at it as entertainment or do we turn the channel?
Sound off…
Terry D.
The infamous black and white evening gown, and a few styles that have viewers scurrying to the internet to see who the designer is, and how they can purchase them:
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Actions really do speak louder than words. You can tell someone
how you feel about marriage, or even your wish to be in a committed relationship. You can shout it to the rooftop, but if your actions say different, your words mean absolutely nothing! If you’re not taking time to get to know them, and the panties are on the floor on the 2nd date; okay, maybe even the first, and that’s your choice, but don’t continue to exhibit all the characteristics that don’t say, “I want to be someone’s wife,” and then get mad because he won’t marry you. You really can’t and don’t have to rush the love that was predestined for you, but you can throw a monkey wrench in it, by trying to fit a square in a circle…
Ask Those Tough Questions!
What do you want in a relationship? Are you God-fearing? There is a difference in attending church, and fearing God! How do you feel about marriage? Do you have/want children? How do you feel about sex before marriage? Do you believe in monogamy? You can tap dance around seeking the truth, but it will come out. When you are asking these questions, PAY ATTENTION! “Ask for what you want, and be prepared to get it.” Maya Angelou Don’t half listen, and jump in heart first! We love to say that God doesn’t answer our prayers, but the truth is, He always answers, you just ignore it, because it’s not the answer you were hoping for.
Stop Jumping In Bed So Soon!
Sex will not land you a husband, but it will get you a few good orgasms, if that’s all you want! Before you even consider being physical with someone, make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. Remember, if the goal is only to sleep with you, the chase becomes more important. The soul ties and emotional scars can’t just be erased. Matthew 7:6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
Spend Time Around Family & Friends!
You may very well get the representative, but people often let their guards down around people they’re more familiar with. You will see if they’re comfortable with showing affection, how they interact, their level of respect. What are friends and family saying? Things like: “How’d you finally get this one to settle down?” “You better watch your back.” “You know he’s not going to marry you right?” Trust me, the hints and signs are always there.
Accept Your Findings…
Don’t try to change that person. You obviously were initially physically attracted to them, but later grew to like them for who they were, not who you want them to be. Even if you try to change them, it won’t last or work. You can’t rationalize, change or alter the truth. “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Maya Angelou
When we’ve been out of the loop of dating for a while, we end up allowing our minds to play tricks on us. We begin to ask ourselves questions like:
- If I Give Into Sex, It Will Change The Game
- I Don’t Have A Lot Of Choices
- Did I Offer A Fair Chance
- Maybe I Need to Rethink My Standards
One thing I’ve found is that we can’t change what is not meant to be. We may go ahead and enter into a relationship that is not for us, because we feel it’s our only choice, and it’ll all work itself out.
2 Corinthians 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
Terry D.
Images courtesy of: www.quotes-lover.com http://www.simplereminders.com
Tamera Mowry-Housley’s Emotional Interview on the Backlash from their Interracial Marriage
Tamera Mowry-Housley is overcome with emotion over racist comments and messages
To say the least, I was touched, but very disturbed by this interview with the Mowry Twins on Oprah’s, Where Are They Now, but nothing could prepare me for this 
emotional admission from Tamera, Actress, Reality Show Star and now Talk Show Host, as she opens up, and speaks out on her interracial marriage, and how she feels about the evil and racist comments on Social Media, toward her and Husband, Adam Housley. Tamera breaks down in tears, as she explains the comments they encounter from others.
She’s been called, “A White Man’s Whore!” She goes on to say that the new one she hears is, “Back in the day, you cost $300, but now you’re giving it to him for free.”
Even in this day and age, there is still real ignorance toward interracial relationships.
Tamera says, “I couldn’t even fathom or think of these words, because I’m a product of it. My mom is a beautiful black woman and my dad is an amazing white man, and I grew up seeing a family. I didn’t grow up saying, ‘Oh, that’s a white man.’”
Tamera says, “I love my husband so much. “I love our family. I love our dynamic. I’m proud to be in the relationship I am because it’s based on love. Pure love.”
Watch: Tamera’s Emotional Interview
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Love doesn’t come with a color wheel. Just because there are still some very ignorant and racist people out there, doesn’t give them the right to impose their beliefs upon others.
Terry D.
Love Hangover
I’ve been up all night, crying, wondering what went wrong, and I’m hoping that it’s only a dream, but as I hold my phone in my hand, I realize that it’s more than just a dream. What the hell happened? We were fine last night, and just planning a future together, and now you’re telling me you don’t think you’re ready to be in a committed relationship, after wasting 3 years of my life?
Playing each moment back in my head, I’m having a conversation with myself, trying to rationalize, but I can hardly see, because my eyes are drowned in tears, and I am dialing your number repeatedly, because I don’t know what else to do. I can’t stop the tears,.. Just tell me what happened? PLEASE – just answer the phone. I just want to talk to you, and now all of a sudden, I’m a stranger to you? My first impulse is to get in my car, and drive to his house, but not really ready to further embarrass myself, so now what is my next move? How do I explain this to everyone, because from the outside, we appeared to be the model couple, because it’s what we wanted people to think, or maybe it was what I wanted people to think? Maybe if I just give it some time, we will work this out, and people will never know the difference. Nothing could be further from the truth, but I began to plot on how to make this happen. Let’s just consider that he decides to think about it. Well,, I know it’s temporary, but I’m good with that for now. The “Not so funny” part is, everyone knew anyway, but went along with my fictitious fairy tale.
Love is not supposed to feel like this. All the promises, and in a matter of 24 hours, you’re done, with NO explanation. I put all my faith in you, and in the end, you walked out, disappointed me, ignoring my calls and treating me like yesterday’s leftovers!
Okay, let me get it together, because I’m better than this, and if he doesn’t want me, then I’m better off… It all sounds good, and oh how I wish I could talk myself into that state of mind now. See I told myself that if I would have just done one or two things differently, it would have been better. If I loved him more, he’ll love me back. I won’t pressure him into marrying me, because we have the perfect life, and marriage is just a piece of paper. Now, do I really believe that, or am I now settling for a piece of a man, and falling for his suggestive mental manipulation?
Ohhhhhh, but the more I grappled, the more pissed off I became. As much as I was hurt, believe you me, I was still not happy with how it all went down, and surprisingly enough, when the anger set in, I came back to myself, got back in my body, and used my anger for some good old healing – not revenge! The revenge was me getting on with my life. Who would have thought that anger would be the driving force to healing? The longer I denied myself and him forgiveness, the longer I continue to wallow in bitterness..
Okay, now I’m thinking clearly, and I started to rewind with a sound mind, and yes, the signs were always there, but I didn’t care, because I thought he would change…I learned my robotic answers when anyone questioned me about getting married, and I made myself even believe I was okay with it as well.
After realizing it was over, all I could think about was what others would think, not about my own healing and well-being. Giving into pressures, wanting to please everyone but myself, and realizing that loving me, was at the bottom of the list, because I was too busy trying to love and please everyone else more, which is not even possible, without knowing how to love me.
- Did I cry over him again? Yep!
- Did I feel sorry for myself? Yep!
- Did I go back? Yep!
Guess what though? My enough wasn’t everyone else’s enough, but when my enough came…it came like a roaring lion, and I’m here to tell you, that I’m actually grateful for the lesson, because despite any of it, I am better, not bitter, I love me some me, and my love isn’t defined by what others tell me, but by the God in me! No regrets… The foundation of my heart is healthier, I have a different mindset, and I am ready to give and receive true love without limits!
Terry D.
Is Mary Jane Being Gabrielle Union?
I’ll be the first to admit that I enjoy the new Mini Series, Being Mary Jane. It reveals some real life situations that we would like to sweep under the rug, keep between the sheets or far back in our medicine cabinet. Gabrielle has embraced this conflicted power woman, with a high libido and racy role like no other; but everyone can’t help but wonder if it’s because it closely resembles past and recent events in her own personal life, concerning her relationship with Miami Heat Guard, Dwyane Wade. So that bears the question, “Is Mary Jane actually Being Gabrielle Union?”
The Talk Shows probed about her recent engagement, but skated around her recent relationship woes, as she toured for the Premiere of the Mini Series this past Tuesday, January 7. Does she really owe anyone an explanation about why she made the decision to stay with Wade, after hearing that he fathered a child, during their brief break in their relationship? Why do we always think that celebrities owe us a blow-by-blow explanation about their lives? At the end of the day, we love drama, but would we really want to talk about something so painful, at every corner? I would like to believe that some have grown to love Gabrielle over the past year, in seeing a different side of her, after her confession to being a former ‘Mean Girl,’ as well as being able to better relate to her, in the role she has recently stepped into as Being Mary Jane.
As women,
- Are we genuinely concerned for her, because we believe she deserves better?
- Are we just fed up with athletes getting away with womanizing and disrespectful behavior toward women, OR
- Are we just nosy busy bodies that feed off of drama?
We don’t like to talk about it, but the reality is that women (not all) do sleep around, and even with married men. To her defense, she initially didn’t know he was married, but even after finding out, he continued to play on her vulnerability , until she gave into her insecurities and libido. Yes, it’s true, women are doing some of the things that are being played out in this show. The quick wash ups in the bathroom, the agonizing over whether or not to answer a call, text or IM, the masturbation before a date! Is it unfortunate? I guess it depends on who you’re asking…
As we continue to watch, MJ always seems her happiest when she has a man by her side, which screams, “I feel incomplete without a man!” The truth of the matter is, it’s a little easier for MJ to sleep with a couple different men, because she’s using sex as a coping mechanism, a band-aid on a gunshot wound. In the following clip, Gabrielle explains how in her real life, she blames herself for the infidelity that happened, while she and fiancée, Dwyane Wade were on a break from one another, because her work schedule got in the way of her being able to fully commit to him, sexually or otherwise; although you could almost always see her court side, screaming at a ref, or cheering on the Miami Heat Guard, Wade.
GABRIELLE UNION BLAMES HERSELF FOR DWYANE WADES INFIDELITY
In the following scene, it eerily resembles recent real life events of Gabrielle Union.
WATCH:
A Clip From Next Week’s Episode
Please leave your comments, questions or thoughts, and let’s start the conversation!
Terry D.
The Love We Lost
No, life is not the same, and yes, life is more complicated now, and there are way more variables that are in play now, but let’s talk about the foundations that were not negotiable, when our parents dated, the ones they hoped to pass onto us, and how they held their marriages together, in spite of…
None of these lessons start when you’re grown. These values are put into motion early. If we want change, if we want the divorce rate to decrease, and the marriage rate to increase among African-Americans, we have to be the change agents!
The Foundation – They Took Us To Church
All of us knew that Sunday morning was reserved for church. For that matter, a few more days of the week as well. Even if we didn’t want to be there, we went, participated, and the seed was being planted and rooted, but somehow along the way, we began giving our children a choice, as we attended service on Sunday, as they stayed home and slept. Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
The Parents Were Involved
You couldn’t just pick up a young lady, by blowing the horn, and before you started leaving the house together, there definitely had to be several supervised dates at the house. They did things together with the family, so that everyone could get to know the character of this young man. If he didn’t seem to have her best interest at heart, it wouldn’t be long before he was no longer allowed to come around, and even if the daughter was hurt, she respected her parents, because she knew there were consequences.
The Father Made It Crystal Clear of What was NOT Going to Happen, While Someone Dated His Daughter.
When a young lady brought home a young man for her parents to meet, the father and the brothers made sure he saw them, and let their presence be known, and the unconditional love they had for her. Just in case he wanted to disrespect her, by calling her names, put his hands on her or step out-of-pocket for any reason, he knew he would have someone to answer to. We have to be unapologetic in teaching equal respect to not only our daughters, but also our sons. It will be reluctantly acknowledged, mimicked and appreciated later.
They Taught Us About Love, Through Action
We may have seen them fight, but we also saw them work through it, and honor their vows. When things got a bit thick, that’s when the foundation helped, because that ‘s when you saw/heard Mama praying. They loved us enough to discipline us, when we were wrong. The main component to their love, was that they didn’t fight for power, they shared.
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Sometimes, just the basics may be not be enough, but God has always been enough, and that is where the love begins. You have to put the work in, because our children really do imitate our actions. It means something to attend church with your parents, It means something to see functional relationships as a child, it means something to know that love begins at home and it definitely means a whole hell of a lot, when you can use these same tools to keep that foundation together.
IMAGES CREDIT: GOOGLE
I would love to hear your thoughts or experiences. Please leave your comments below!
Terry D.
All That Glitter, Ain’t Gold, in the Wade/Union Household!
Do celebrities think they operate above the rim of morals, because they know all will be forgotten and forgiven in a matter of weeks or months, with no further mention or real consequences? After watching the following story unfold, maybe we’re so forgiving, because we’ve seen these stories play out before us, and if the person involved can forgive, then who are we not to? Gabrielle Union tweeted, “The goal is NOT perfection… The goal is to be whole.”
This brings me to:
Breaking News of Dwyane Wade’s Love Child
Dwyane Wade, (3) Miami Heat Guard
Dwyane Wade and his recent news fallout of his love child, Xavier Zechariah Wade, born in November, 2013. Wade confirmed that he did indeed father a son with Aja Metoyer. Wade acknowledged the development to the Sun Sentinel, he said: ‘I had a time, a part in our break, in our pain and our hurt, a blessing came out of it in my life, having a son that was born healthy. So I’m moving on.’ 
It is reported that Gabrielle had to step away from Wade, when first learning of the news, but they worked through their differences, prior to their engagement! Everyone is weighing in on this story, and as the story continues to unfold, so does more details on who is Aja Metoyer. One thing for sure, she is showing her true colors, and just how messy she really is, by writing this very detailed Letter to Ms. Union.
Wade proposed to Gabby 6 weeks after his son was born, which he enlisted the assistance of his 2 sons and nephew he’s raising. Both contend that the child was conceived during a break the two took from one another, but all roads lead to evidence of a different color. The two were reportedly very much together during conception, but that’s neither here nor there, since they’ve worked through it.
To make matters a bit more interesting, the mother of his child, is also the mother of 2 daughters, fathered by Damon Wayans Jr., the son of Damon Wayans, who issued a brief statement about the mother of his 2 daughters.
Forgiveness, Foolishness or Fate?
Everyone wants to know how Gabrielle would stay with Wade, with all that has transpired. Others say that its karma, because she dated him, while he was still married. Did she forgive him, because she loves him? Is it foolishness for her to think he won’t, or has not continued with his infidelity, or was it really fate? For some reason, we think celebrities are cut from a different cloth than us. At the end of the day, they just have more money and notoriety than we do, but they’re still human. Love is love, pain is pain and we all make mistakes, and cry when our hearts are broken. The difference is, we don’t have our lives played out for all the world to see; and we have all forgiven people for things we aren’t proud of. Some of us have dated people in some very compromising positions, but we get to keep it all under wraps. I will say that it is easy to say what you would or wouldn’t do, if it’s not you in the spotlight.
No matter what decision she ultimately ends up making, it’s still hers to deal with and make. Let me know what you think. Please leave a comment below, and lets chat…
Terry D.
IamTerryD BLOG with Relationship Coach, Terry D. 