I’ve been up all night, crying, wondering what went wrong, and I’m hoping that it’s only a dream, but as I hold my phone in my hand, I realize that it’s more than just a dream. What the hell happened? We were fine last night, and just planning a future together, and now you’re telling me you don’t think you’re ready to be in a committed relationship, after wasting 3 years of my life?
Playing each moment back in my head, I’m having a conversation with myself, trying to rationalize, but I can hardly see, because my eyes are drowned in tears, and I am dialing your number repeatedly, because I don’t know what else to do. I can’t stop the tears,.. Just tell me what happened? PLEASE – just answer the phone. I just want to talk to you, and now all of a sudden, I’m a stranger to you? My first impulse is to get in my car, and drive to his house, but not really ready to further embarrass myself, so now what is my next move? How do I explain this to everyone, because from the outside, we appeared to be the model couple, because it’s what we wanted people to think, or maybe it was what I wanted people to think? Maybe if I just give it some time, we will work this out, and people will never know the difference. Nothing could be further from the truth, but I began to plot on how to make this happen. Let’s just consider that he decides to think about it. Well,, I know it’s temporary, but I’m good with that for now. The “Not so funny” part is, everyone knew anyway, but went along with my fictitious fairy tale.
Love is not supposed to feel like this. All the promises, and in a matter of 24 hours, you’re done, with NO explanation. I put all my faith in you, and in the end, you walked out, disappointed me, ignoring my calls and treating me like yesterday’s leftovers!
Okay, let me get it together, because I’m better than this, and if he doesn’t want me, then I’m better off… It all sounds good, and oh how I wish I could talk myself into that state of mind now. See I told myself that if I would have just done one or two things differently, it would have been better. If I loved him more, he’ll love me back. I won’t pressure him into marrying me, because we have the perfect life, and marriage is just a piece of paper. Now, do I really believe that, or am I now settling for a piece of a man, and falling for his suggestive mental manipulation?
Ohhhhhh, but the more I grappled, the more pissed off I became. As much as I was hurt, believe you me, I was still not happy with how it all went down, and surprisingly enough, when the anger set in, I came back to myself, got back in my body, and used my anger for some good old healing – not revenge! The revenge was me getting on with my life. Who would have thought that anger would be the driving force to healing? The longer I denied myself and him forgiveness, the longer I continue to wallow in bitterness..
Okay, now I’m thinking clearly, and I started to rewind with a sound mind, and yes, the signs were always there, but I didn’t care, because I thought he would change…I learned my robotic answers when anyone questioned me about getting married, and I made myself even believe I was okay with it as well.
After realizing it was over, all I could think about was what others would think, not about my own healing and well-being. Giving into pressures, wanting to please everyone but myself, and realizing that loving me, was at the bottom of the list, because I was too busy trying to love and please everyone else more, which is not even possible, without knowing how to love me.
- Did I cry over him again? Yep!
- Did I feel sorry for myself? Yep!
- Did I go back? Yep!
Guess what though? My enough wasn’t everyone else’s enough, but when my enough came…it came like a roaring lion, and I’m here to tell you, that I’m actually grateful for the lesson, because despite any of it, I am better, not bitter, I love me some me, and my love isn’t defined by what others tell me, but by the God in me! No regrets… The foundation of my heart is healthier, I have a different mindset, and I am ready to give and receive true love without limits!