You can still accept the things you cannot change without SETTLING…
You can still accept the things you cannot change without SETTLING…
We marginalize dysfunctional behavior, by ignoring the signs! There is almost always a root cause for our behavior and mindset! It’s not easy to admit, because we have accepted and normalized dysfunction.
Here are a few steps to healing
1. Acknowledgment – It didn’t happen overnight, and the healing will not either. (Don’t ignore or deny the pain)
2. Accountability – Even if it was the other person’s fault, there is self evaluation that keeps us from toxic relationship repetition. (Be accountable for your part)
3. ACTION – Learn to love and trust you! (The next relationship has to be with yourself)
Everything that we’ve been taught, does not have to be carved in stone. We have to divide the good from the bad, make the necessary adjustments and begin the healing. Life is a lesson, but we tend to relive the same test when we repeat the same mistakes. The good news is; you have the power to plant new seeds!
In a world of Uncertainty, Mayhem, Fear and Utter Chaos, we should stay informed, but not become consumed and allow this pandemic to make us lose our hope and faith! I’m not making light of this, but half truths and information overload, can leave us depressed and anxious.
Who could have imagined this?
This is just the First Quarter of 2020, and life as we know it has completely been altered! Let’s not allow the opposing team (The Enemy) to get in our heads! Even if this takes us into overtime, we will WIN! While we feel inconvenienced by being ordered to quarantine, think about those who are fighting for their lives! Makes you put things in perspective, right?
Remember when we complained about never having enough hours in the day to get anything done? Now we’re complaining about all of the time we have to do nothing! Don’t take this time for granted. UNPLUG from the news and social media for periods of time, and stay centered in your own peace, and know that this is only a temporary interruption of simple things we take for granted. It may not feel like it, but it could be a blessing in disguise for some.
Most times, our busy lives keep us from having to deal with our reality.
Find the joy in the little things
It’s time to put things in perspective and prioritize. What lessons can we take away?
It’s my sincere hope that we come out of this; appreciating every breath, not taking our liberties for granted, loving on our families, and LIVING – not just surviving and existing!
Terry D. 💜xoxo💜Continue reading Covid-19 Be Informed, Be Safe, but Not Consumed
Kate Spade 1962-2018
Have you ever watched someone’s day-to-day routine, and admire their spirit, their grit and their grace? Feels like they’re always on…right?
Well, sometimes it’s because of their journey of blood, sweat and tears, that affords them the peace to exhale and other times, they’re holding their breath, wearing a mask of deception, because of expectations and fear of judgment and disappointment; not only to others, but to themselves! It’s easy to dress up the pain to a world of superficiality and selfishness.
Dying inside, but outside you’re looking fearless. While the tears are rolling down your cheeks, you steady hoping things don’t fall down this week. ‘Cause if it did, you couldn’t take it!
Like any relationship, there is always a sign(s)… it’s important to have someone that listens with their heart. Someone that will allow you to stumble, but won’t let you fall.
Life becomes a blur of conformity, where you feel like a stranger in your own body! When the noise quiets, and the stranger slowly fades in the background, and suddenly reality and YOU come face-to-face. You can’t hide from yourself, because you know the truth. Life has tasked you with a gift that you don’t feel you deserve! It feels natural, BUT…. your gift becomes a mental burden, yet the perfect disguise and coping mechanism, because it allows you to escape the pain and feeling of worthlessness and no sense of purpose, but it’s all only temporary! Your mask is mistaken and brushed off as pride and strength, or even arrogance!
Life is about service, but you can’t always be the one left feeling depleted! It sends you into an overwhelming frenzy of depression, desperation and haste! Self care is essential, and sometimes that means being selfish. If not, after a while, you accept defeat, and live in a fog – waiting to fade away…
CREATE ME MOMENTS… Moments where you don’t give anything to anyone but YOU!
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I’m sure the anxiety builds around the world, as everyone counts down the days, hours, minutes and seconds to the Wedding Day of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. The couple formally announced their engagement on, November 27, 2017, and wasted no time in announcing their wedding date soon after.
The Royal Wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan is set to take place on, Saturday, May 19, 2018, which is unprecedented, because most Royal Weddings are held on a weekday. The wedding will begin at St George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle, Windsor, United Kingdom, at 12 Noon. After the ceremony, they will undertake a carriage procession from St George’s Chapel through Windsor town returning to Windsor Castle along the Long Walk. The couple really wants to make the wedding fun and ensure that the public will feel a sense of inclusion. The reception will be held at St. George’s Hall.
In lieu of wedding presents, the couple is asking for charity donations, but wants to focus on charities for HIV, Homelessness and the children of fallen soldiers, just to name a few.
Prince Harry and Meghan will definitely bring a breath of fresh air to the traditional expectations. The public speculates and tries to predict what, if anything will set this couple apart. Will they follow the rules? Will they be Royal Trendsetters, and how will this change the trajectory of the expected Royal “Norm?” It is reported that the couple is breaking from the ceremonial traditions, and injecting a modern flavor of music. Karen Gibson and the Kingdom Choir — considered one of the top ensembles in the country — have been tapped to perform as has 19-year-old cellist Sheku Kanneh-Mason, who was the first black musician to win the BBC Young Musician of the Year award in 2016. Prince Harry is definitely cut from the the cloth of his late mother, Princess Diana, which was known for, and often frowned upon for setting her own rules.
The initial focal point of everyone except the couple and their families, was the race of Meghan. Meghan is biracial, and was born and raised in Los Angeles, CA. Her parents are; mother, Doria Ragland, who is African American, and her father, Thomas Markle., who is Dutch and Irish. Meghan’s father was a longtime TV Lighting Director.
There have been sporadic leaks of information about details of the wedding, but what’s a Royal Wedding without a little suspense and speculation brewing in the rumor mill?
With great anticipation and excitement, we’ll all have to wait with the rest of the world, to have our burning questions answered…
I am 51 years old, single and I’ve never been married, and somehow that makes me an outcast, an enemy and a societal and cultural statistic and leper!
How many times must I hear?
Who set the standards and guidelines of when I’m supposed to be a wife? Am I somehow unhappy, and do I not measure up because of it? I didn’t know that my very existence was defined by my relationship status!
I can admit that it’s not always easy being single, and whether subconscious or not, I do sometimes envy couples! It can be embarrassing and exhausting having to answer questions about my dating life. I have settled before, I have had some amazing relationships and I’ve been the reason some of my relationships ended, because of my own internal demons.
Judge me if you will, but if not for these struggles that have kept me up many nights, and choices that I’m not always proud of, I wouldn’t be able to face or admit my shortcomings. It’s my sincere belief that I have been personally chosen for this journey – Good, bad or indifferent, because it fuels my purpose!
I no longer live in shame of me or my relationship status! I don’t have to be defined by what is expected of me by people who live in their own den of lies. It’s liberating to know that I’m being saved for someone that will love the “WHOLE” Terry! Not some superficial, insecure person trying to fit in!
I will not be responsible for a man not believing in love, because of my insecurities, and my own lack of trust. I will stand BOLD and accept my truth, and continue to defy the odds of any time constraints that have been placed on me. I’m a work in progress that accepts me at any juncture in my life, and while it doesn’t bother me, it’s not my problem if it bothers you!
As African American women, it’s difficult for some of us to admit that we don’t always love the skin we’re in, but it’s time for us to believe what we know, and not what we’re told and taught. Our young women and generations to come, lives depend on it…
As black Women, we contend with the systemic racist stereotypes and egregious attempts to keep us pigeonholed into being angry black Women that are only capable of being sexual uneducated beings that have multiple babies, that aren’t capable of competing with women of other races, let alone, good enough to be a wife! Because of this, we often feel ourselves in survival and “Something to Prove” mode. Even as we contend to prove ourselves, we also find ourselves being the oppressor of one another, and like so many others, we divide ourselves based on socioeconomic backgrounds. This is certainly by design, and not by happenstance.
According to the 2016 Census Bureau, African American Women now top the list of the most educated in the country; and although more than half of black women between the ages of 18 and 24 are enrolled in college, the gender and racial inequality continues.
We have tangible everyday success stories that aren’t being recorded, reported or celebrated:
There are so many great historians, literary giants, authors, teachers, entrepreneurs, doctors etc., whose shoulders we stand on, but the good thing about history is that it not only repeats itself, but it passes the baton. It’s time to take the next leg of the race. There are women right now TODAY, that are creating shoulders for future generations. These will be names that our children’s children’s children will get bragging rights to; Michelle Obama, Maya Angelou, Angela Rye, Oprah Winfrey, Tamron Hall, Jamelle Hill, Tamika Mallory, Shonda Rhimes, Misty Copeland, Ava Duvernay, Issa Rae, Taraji P. Henson, Mara Brock Akil, Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer, Serena Williams, Anita Hill, Condoleezza Rice, Lupita Nyong’o, Mae Jemison, Lena Waithe, and that’s the short list.
These accomplishments should not make us complacent. We can’t allow a few victories to be enough, because we typically lose our steam after a few wins. We have to continue to speak up when we’re not given deserving roles, when we’re being looked over for awards and promotions and not receiving equal pay.
We also have to learn to celebrate those who aren’t celebrities, but are still killing the game, kicking ass and taking names!
I will celebrate and name a few that I know personally, or am indirectly connected to: Terry D., Cordelia Lewis, Ni Cole Jean, Melissa Smith-Harper, Lazell Pittman, Veleka Meeks, Gina Lamar, Eden Adele, Jamelia Toya Hand, Tene’ Gray, Cheryl Hand-Jiles, Dr. Shante Holley, Dr. Tiffany Michelle Bellamy, Stacey Emerson, Kristin R. Harris, Sherron Turner, Teslyn Butler, Romina Brown, Erika Porter, Tanya Winfield, Yanni Brown, Dr. Ruby Powell, Cameka Smith, Latoya J. Moore, DeAnna Williams, Bonita Maye, Trina Edmunds, Rachel Green, Ariel Simmons, Alice Foy, Dr. Kiarra King, Cynthia Flowers, Shay Mitchell-Gary, Penny Miller, Tonya Biglow, Bridgette Daniels-Thomas, Shiketa Morgan, Valencia Montgomery, Eve Benton, Tammy Brown, Sibyl Holloway, Nicole Howell-Scott, Jennifer Ashley, Nykki Rae, SharRon Jamison, Ebony Dixon-Truss, Dawj Sangster, Yasmine Brown, Chrishon Lampley, Shuntella Richardson, Tosh Patterson, Larvetta Loftin, Micaela Brown, Amber Johns, Felencia Terrell, Mirion Green, Megan Harper…
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Find your Happy Place in YOU…
We are all a little (A lot) restless and stir crazy, because of the angst of COVID19, but it’s definitely not the time to allow boredom or loneliness to hijack your progress of healing!
Just like you’re bored, so are they. They will find someone that will give them attention, but it doesn’t have to be you. Dig deep, and remember WHY they’re an ex! Once this is over, they’ll start to show you exactly that. Right now it almost feels like you’re in the honeymoon stage, but when it’s all said and done, you’ll be in a post pandemic nightmare. There will be so much healing needed after this is all over, so why add the unnecessary?
Stay focused and use this time wisely. Whatever you were doing before, remember that it worked.
Remember your worth – Remember your PEACE – Use the block feature liberally!
Terry D. 💜xoxo💜
CHARACTER – It’s what we do when no one is watching…
🎼As we lay, we forgot about tomorrow as we lay
As we lay, didn’t think about the price we had to pay…🎼
The many Affirmations about Being Single, but all the while, there’s an ex or someone that has an open invitation to your vajayjay. One midnight call, and you’re showering, removing the bonnet, brushing your teeth, spraying on that smell good and sliding on your sexiest thongs.
We all have read the social media status of someone claiming to be:
Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of women that are happily single, but on the flip side, there are some that are creeping, and others who don’t consider themselves single, because they have a piece of a man, and will speak of him in terms of “Boo” or “Bae.” You can blame him for participating all day long, but you always have a choice. You’re only responsible for your own actions.
How long will you question why you’re single, before you begin to accept the part you play in your relationship status? Will you keep saying there are no good men; while you contribute to increasing that number, by letting him slip and dip with you in the wee hours of the night, before he returns home to his woman/wife? Will you hide behind the excuse of his woman being stupid for allowing him to do it, or will you just keep lying to yourself, by saying that this actually works for you, because you don’t want a committed relationship? If we’re completely honest with ourselves, no one wants to share, but because of societal and even family pressure, it feels easier to pretend, than to actually face our own naked truth. It’s easier to complain and blame, instead of acceptance and accountability.
You’ll even hear women dog and judge other women, because it throws off the scent off their own stench of deception. Anything done in the dark comes to light, and you definitely reap what you sow.
One thing about them tables, they always turn…
It a vicious cycle that doesn’t always bear the truth, and sometimes the lie begins to feel like the truth, but the caveat to this is, it’s an accepted mentality of not being able to do any better. We can label this behavior, but there are years of insecurities that are associated with it, years of failed relationships that beat down a person’s sense of worth, and it could simply be a mindset of revenge for it happening to them, or it’s a learned behavior from childhood, because it was flaunted as a badge of honor.
No matter how brave someone pretends to be, when the smoke clears, and they’re all alone, there’s a deep sense of loneliness and regret. “This is the last time.” “Next time, I will not answer the phone.” That’s the danger of not having an accountability partner/friend/coach that you can trust, even when the picture is not pretty. They’re not there to judge, they’re there to help you past the hump and make better choices. This is not a process to brave on your own. You need a “Straight No Chaser” friend.
Don’t allow this behavior to become the measure of your fate. We all have the propensity to change, and it comes with faith, forgiveness of self, time and a change of scenery.
How many of us are living our Unadulterated and Unfiltered Truth?
For a better part of my life, I have lived to appease others. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, so I lived the life they envisioned for me, and from there, it was a domino effect of living in the shadows and expectations of others. I can’t quite pinpoint the moment I stopped living a lie and living to please others, but I knew I was suffocating, and needed to take back my life and power!
It was not easy at first, because the adjustments were more difficult for others than it was for me, but I couldn’t focus on that. What I do remember is how it felt to release years of unwanted weight of acceptance and validation. I finally learned how to comfortably exercise my right to say. “No!”
Last year (2017) I published my first book, My Truth – Short Stories of Joy and Pain. My Truth
In my book, I’m able to share my journey to living My Unfiltered Truth! The good, the bad and the ugly! As I was writing, I have to admit that I shed some tears of joy and pain, because while there were some tough reminders of the process, there were also some celebratory tears of conquering my fears.
I announced and released my book at my event, The Terry D. Experience – Removing the Mask, and it was an experience indeed! There were men and women, alike removing their masks, and sharing their experiences!
Well, 2018 is upon us, and I’ve decided to continue the journey of living my Truth. On Thursday, January 18, I launched The first season of my Live Online Talk Show – The Unfiltered Truth, on Facebook. The Unfiltered Truth Live Talk Show is recorded every Thursday at 8:30pm CST.
You can check out the 1st episode right here:
I invite you to join me on this journey to begin releasing the weight of the past, releasing the need to feel accepted, walking in your own truth and living life on your own terms! Above, I’ve provided a link to purchase my book, as well as the link for you to join me on Thursdays for my Live Online Talk Show!
I look forward to hearing from you about your journey to living a life of liberation!