Joy and Pain


Our first experience with love starts at a very early age. It shapes our belief in it, or it makes us question everything about it. Our thoughts about love are being formed well before we even understand what true love really is. Our loved ones that mold our thoughts are not aware that they’re creating a generation of curses or blessings.

As we begin to experience love for ourselves, it usually starts out like a fairytale, but we never really come to understand why we pick the lovers we do, or why we react in certain circumstances until a few failed attempts, and we realize it might just be us subconsciously self-sabotaging, because of our limiting beliefs about love and what we do or don’t deserve. It takes time to look within, because it’s difficult to think that something or someone in our childhood could be responsible for our adult dysfunctions and relational behavior.

It’s a cycle of joy and pain, but it definitely teaches us more about who we are, and as we heal, it allows us to be the change that our future generations will benefit from. We’re taught that experience is a good teacher, and I couldn’t agree more, but I also believe that we don’t always have to experience everything first hand.

Terry D.

What are We Learning From Taraji, Viola, Janelle and Octavia? 


First, I have to take a deep breath, and wipe away the tears of joy and pride!  Not just for history unfolding before our eyes, but also for their commitment and passion to channel sisterhood.

Am I the only one who is caught up in this world wind of Black Girl Magic playing out on the screen, and holding my breath waiting to hear their names called for an award for their outstanding performances, because acknowledgment of our performances has not always been the case, but it’s now happening more frequently than not.  While we have a long way to go, we’ve made some amazing strides on the big screen.

So what happened?

These women collaborated and celebrated one another – unapologetically!

They figured out the influence of collaboration and the power of leveraging their platform and voice to maximize the moment. Taraji’s acceptance speech at SAG Awards for Hidden Figures

They didn’t wait for permission, or feel slighted when the other woman won!  They knew that every win was a win for us all!

They figured out that they could definitely accomplish more together, and it would yield them all an opportunity to create and be a part of black and all history.

They didn’t accept practices of the past, but instead, they’re breaking the glass ceilings of the term: #oscarssowhite!

This is NOT a season or a trend.  They’re putting in the work, raising awareness and eyebrows and creating an expectation.  Showing that we can win in more categories than just the stereotypical.  We can win without you just throwing us a bone, and we’re not going anywhere anytime soon!  “If you don’t see what you want, create it!” Unknown

So, what can we learn as black women entrepreneurs? What can we learn as blacks in media? What can we learn as black women, PERIOD?

Be accountable and responsible with your platform!

Taraji COLLABORATION speech

COLLABORATION is not a sin!  We can get so much more accomplished together, and there’s enough for ALL of us!  We celebrate them, but won’t celebrate the very women we know and see hustling everyday.  We don’t have to always physically collaborate, but at least get “yo” Taraji clap on!  Taraji clapping for Viola

Taraji’s spirit is infectious!  She makes you want to be a better you!  These women get why our ancestors worked together!

Our insecurities come from fear, not hatred, or not even that we think someone is better, but it’s the fear that has been taught, because of the handouts that were singular and few and far between, so you have women clawing their way to the top, and stepping on others on their way up!  Gabrielle Union admits why she used to be less than sisterly, and being a mean girl during an acceptance speech.

2Timothy 1:7 God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

We have to learn to clap when it’s not our turn.  Cheer when she wins!  Support when your name isn’t called.

As believers, but we must put our faith where our mouth and heart is, and believe the word of God!  These women have put a tangible mandate before us, and we have a responsibility to continue to pass the baton!

Proverbs 18:16 A man’s gift maketh room for him, and brings him before great men!

Terry D.

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6 Steps to Healthy and HOT Love 


We grow apart because we’ve changed since we first met, but we still have the same expectations, yet our goals and needs are different.  Coach Terry D.

  1. Start with you – Sacrificing time to spend with yourself. (Make this non-negotiable) When you’re clear of frustrations and worrying about your next move, it gives you time to FOCUS on RIGHT now!!! You’re now able to give the necessary attention to your relationship.
  2. Remove distractions and unhealthy people.  Three’s a crowd, and unwanted interference does nothing but create dissension, tension and create high levels of unwarranted stress! Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Mark 10:9  It’s not easy to walk away from unhealthy people or things, but it is very necessary.  Until we release dead weight, we don’t always realize how much it has affected the health of our relationships.
  3. Talk  to one another, and be present!  I know women talk more than men, but take this time to really talk and listen with your heart, and not just your ears.  Ladies, that doesn’t mean go on a rant – know when to say, “When!”  Sometimes we live with someone, day in and day out, and have no idea what they do or go through everyday.  You appreciate your mate more, when you know what they’re dealing with.  It changes the way you react to one another, and it makes you be more understanding of their moods – good or bad.  Sexting is a great way of communicating with your mate, and will increase their anticipation and urgency to get home to you.
  4. If you want a healthier relationship, and you want to make changes, include your mate!  This is a team effort.  Your time together doesn’t include phones, social media or television.  Reacquaint yourselves.  We grow apart because we’ve changed since we first met, but we still have the same expectations, yet our goals and needs are different.
  5. Date one another.  Don’t take for granted that just because you’ve been together a couple-cooking-pfwhile, that it’s a slam dunk.  Make sure you always remember to greet one another with a kiss.  The sizzle will fizzle, if you’re not putting in the work to keep your relationship relevant.  Cook together, bathe together, play twister together! (You won’t finish.  Thank me later) If you’re not a creative person, Google ideas, but make it happen!  Do A Sexy Dance for Him
  6. For the love all things sensual, don’t make sex boring and monotonous. Don’t stop making love, and make it interesting.  It’s not always about the position, but the imagination and creativity.  Quality over Quantity.  Role play, and know when it’s time to make love and when it’s time to GET IT IN!  This will take your sex life to the next level, and create a renewed sense of intimacy!

Love you | Remove Dead Weight | Talk | You’re a Team | Date | Make Love & Keep it HOT

DSC_1102Coach Terry D.

For The Love of The Side Chick


We  have to stop allowing projected imagery to sway our values. It seems that no matter what we believe in, it’s so easily altered by suggestive manipulation through the media.  So much so, that we now have more love for, “The Side Chick,” than we do for the wife. It doesn’t matter if I’ve been cheated on before, because what I know for sure, is that God has promised me a life of abundance, and I will not allow myself, or His promise to be cheapened by a woman “Playing the Role,” of a jumpoff..

People are actually now comparing themselves to adulterers that they see on television, and even going so far as to  enter the “I Am Mary Jane,” contest to prove it. Their confession videos say, “I’m Mary Jane, because I like sex.”  “I’m Mary Jane, because my life is just that messy!”  “I’m Mary Jane, because I can have it all.”  So now they’ve stooped so low as to go and seek out dysfunctional women who say, they can have their cake and eat it too, because they can relate to Mary Jane?  I’m sure we all can relate, but that doesn’t mean, I want that to be the end all, be all for my relationship status.

There are other smaller African American films that portray a little conflict, but shows how to make it work, fight for love, and put in the time.  These shows have no chance of making it onto the big screen, and definitely not becoming a series, because for some reason, common sense, Black Love, monogamy, and clean love are not appealing enough to grab the viewer’s attention.  We are cynical enough to believe that surely this can’t be real, because if we look at all the shows that are inundating the airwaves, they unapologetically  suggest that we are not capable of true love, BUT I refuse to believe the hype, lies and garbage.

So, lets explore a show entitled: He’s Mine, Not Yours –    It’s a short film about a reformed womanizer, who is currently committed to his current girlfriend, but because her girl is telling her that all men are cheaters and dogs, she allows it to get in her mind, and now she bar sceneliterally pays someone to tempt him…  Not only does she hire this beautiful self proclaimed, “Man Stealer,” but she disguises herself, ispyto spy on him, of course, with her girlfriend, who continues to tell her that all men cheat.   You’ll have to watch the movie to see if he gives in or not!  I will say that this man had temptation coming from every end, his boy in his ear, trying to convince him to cheat… Oh yes, it gets good and interesting, but don’t let me spoil it for you, it’s on Netflix right now.

The moral of the story is:  I get that we may be tainted by some failed relationships that either we’ve experienced first hand, or from failed marriages that we witness fall apart in our very own families, but that shouldn’t deter our faith in believing that true love does exist!  You see, this has absolutely nothing to do with cheaters and dogs, but everything to do with it being easier for us to believe a lie, than to stare the truth directly in the eye!  If it’s your fear, face it.  If its insecurities, face them, get help.  If you don’t believe you’re worth it, STOP RIGHT THERE!  Proverbs 31:10 -11 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.…

So what is it that we are doing?  We’re creating our very own generational curses to pass onto our children.  We should not be cheering for the Mary Janes and Olivia Popes.  Do I dislike them as women?  Absolutely not, but that doesn’t  mean I have to support degradation, and nor do I have to force feed it to my daughter.  The dialogue for family values is minimal, but on any given Sunday, Tuesday or Thursday night, social media is flooded with the the opinions of RHOA, Being Mary Jane and Scandal.

As I’m scrolling through my newsfeed, most times I can’t tell if people are talking about people they actually know, or whoever the characters are portraying in these shows.

Bottom line – we have to get it together, stop the foolishness and tend to and nurture our own relationships. We’re so consumed with reality television, or shows that make African American women look so freaking desperate, that we now are happy to be the side chick.  What sort of ignorance is that? Really? The world can only stereotype what is handed to them on a platter.

Terry D.

Enlarge Your Territory


Don’t deviate – say what you mean, and mean what you say – enough of the foolishness. Why is it so easy to just ward off what you want? Yes, love is about compromise and sacrifice, but doesn’t compromise mean that both people should be involved?  

If you want to be married, then you need to say so, be unapologetic and STOP negotiating your happiness.  Dating is not a career, unless that’s what you want.  Why would you date someone for years, give them everything that encompasses marriage, but never require the commitment.  “Why marry the cow, when you can get the milk for free is REAL!”  It seems to be a new trend for women to claim men as their husband, and nothing could be further from the truth! My hubby this, my hubby that.  Yeah, you feel like the wife, because for all intent and purposes, it’s the role you’re “playing.”

So let me get this right.  He’s afraid of commitment, but doesn’t have a problem with shacking with you, having sex, paying bills together, attending family functions, even owning a house and car together, and I’m sorry, but maybe I’m a little slow… Isn’t that commitment?

Maybe you’re afraid of losing them, maybe you’re afraid you’ll have to be alone, but guess what, news flash:  how can you lose what you really don’t have.  Look at it like this – if something ever happened to either of you, what would now happen to the things you’ve attained together?

You don’t live forever, and while you’re here, you matter as well be able to operate  in what makes your heart happy.  Now that ‘s not to say that we marry just anyone, but find someone who you can be friends with, someone you have some things in common with.

Set expectations and treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Dress to impress you, and if you want to honestly attract someone who will value you, you should actually be worried about what others think.  You’re auditioning for your future, not a video.  Honestly, sometimes we tell ourselves we want things out loud, but inside, we secretly don’t believe it, so that actually supersedes what your mouth is saying, and it shows, even when we’re masking the pain and discontent that we often subconsciously harbor.

We teach others how to treat us by our language, our own expectations, our values, the way we dress and the people we surround ourselves around.

Enlarge Your Territory

Terry D.

The Best Man Holiday


100313-celebs-best-man-cast-ebony-mag-women-men-16x9Okay, the weekend is over, but everyone is still on a Best Man High! Movie Critics, Bloggers, Social Media and Talk Shows alike, are all raving about it! One of the most highly anticipated sequels, The Best Man Holiday was premiered on Friday, November 15, 2013!  This movie is still riding high, and rightfully so… This is one of the few sequels that did not disappoint, because usually we’re over it by the 2nd, and definitely the 3rd sequel! Who would have thought that after 15 years, the next chapter of The Best Man would have SO many flocking to the theaters?

Although it was slated not to do more than $22 million, with low Box Office Estimates, this movie was selling out before it even premiered, as I waited in line, even after arriving 45 minutes early! Usually, when African-Americans are able to play with the “Big Boys,” and gross over $30 Million, there will always be some negative undertones attached by critics, but who cares, because the numbers don’t lie – point-blank!  As I read the reviews, I had to fix my face, because, USA Today deemed it as a Race-Themed Movie.

www.best-man-2-castBefore I go on, I have to first take my hat off to Director, Malcolm D. Lee, and this ALL Star beautiful African-American and Latino Cast of Actresses and Actors – WOW!  It’s so refreshing to see Black Love play out.  The story line didn’t feed us a delusional fairy tale, but it came with the twists and turns that relationships can have, but at the end of the day, it gives couples a look inside compromise, love, hurt, forgiveness, friendship and the importance of having God in your marriage and relationships. There were so many lessons and insight into all the dynamics that make up the institute of love!

The peaks and valleys!  Every time you began to cry, in comes Terrence Howard to make you laugh! The ending to the movie was not expected, but so emotional, and a brilliant move!  The story line carefully guided you, as viewers became more engrossed, wanting more, but sitting on the edge of their seats, with tissue in hand, as we all waited to see what we eventually figured out, but hoped not to be the truth!

Let me tell you, everyone played their role, BUT the two who impressed me the most in this movie were Morris Chestnut, and yes, him being hot and having his shirt off did help, and Monica Calhoun – I am literally bowing to you!  The entire cast left it all on the table, and did their thing!

malcolm_articleThank you Malcolm D. Lee, first, for this AWEsome sequel, and for telling our love stories, that I feel can only be told by those who get it, and understand the dynamics!  Thank you for proving that Black Love does exist; and for allowing us to see ourselves on the big screen, in ways that others fail to appreciate or acknowledge!  Can’t wait to see what’s next…

Terry D.

Resist the devil, and he will flee… 


So you’re single and learning to love the skin you’re in.  All is well with you and your singlesness! Until… after some years of purging, healing, forgiveness and restoration, here comes the test – dressed in a nice suit, standing 6’4″ tall, smelling good and saying all the right things.  It’s your EX! 

Well well well… I’m convinced they can smell your “Im over you” a mile away.  Now the prey begins.  See, when you wanted them to be the hunter, they could barely muster up enough energy to even call you once a day. 

One day as you’re minding your own business, you receive a text out of no where – “Hey!” or “I miss you!” You wipe your eyes, and whisper a few choice words in your head, and I’m sure a few out loud!  Now what? Hey? I miss you? Man listen!  You gather your composure, and start to wonder what he wants. Your mind begins to play tricks on you, and you contemplate whether or not to respond.  

Take your fingers off that trigger.

First phase: Reminiscing about the good times, because you’ve conveniently suppressed the bad ones. You say to yourself, “He did kiss good!”  “I remember when…” 

If you stay here too long, you will find yourself back in the saddle, and that kiss doesn’t feel so good, because the reason you initially broke up, will resurface.  The “Hey” text was just to test the waters to see if you would take the bait!  I’m not saying it can’t work, but when someone really wants you, they GO HARD!  They take the risk that you may say no. A grown man will not text you to rekindle or to see if you’re still interested! 

Phase two:  You start looking for at least one person to validate your foolishness and give you the green light to text him back.  You begin sharing this with your girlfriends.  Girl, can you believe he texted me after all of this time?  There will be at least one out of the three that will cosign, but the other two will hell nawwwww you right out of it!  

We look for reasons to respond, and we need someone else to tell us it’s okay. When you have to ask, you already know there’s a problem.

When you’ve gone through a period of purge, healing, forgiveness and restoration, there will always be something or someone to test your grit. It’s up to you what you will and will not allow. Sometimes it’s just to show us our strength, resilience and restraint, and not to punish us, or give us a reason to revisit the pain!  Trust that your healing has equipped you with the ability to see the situation with a different pair of lenses.  

When someone attempts to come back in your life, and they’re not serious, they will automatically notice the change, but they’ll also use every chance they get to remind you of who you used to be, as to attempt to undermine your current mindset. It sometimes becomes the euphoria of the chase and the challenge of changing your no to yes. 

James 4:7 Resist the devil, and he will flee…

We all become vulnerable at times.  Even if the temptation gets the best of you – no worries, you will be able to tap into your source of faith and peace.  It’s doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it just gives you another lesson that will be unambiguous to you in the future.

Terry D. 

Mo’Nique And Loni Love Have Emotional Reconciliation On ‘The Real’ — HelloBeautiful


Repairing Relationships between US (Black Girls)

Often things are said out of frustration, or without all of the information, but not always with malice.  Do we take the time to repair, or do we just judge and remove ourselves?  Monique was mature enough to go to the source, not spew hatred and spread rumors and allow things to snowball out of control, but to express her disdain and allow healing and restoration.

Consider the one time that you may have said something you didn’t mean, or allowed something that was not meant to be slander, but was taken out of context.

I can completely identify, because I recently had a friendship to almost end.  Not because of anything that was said, but because of our lack of communication.  I thought more of my friendship than I did of my pride.  No one is perfect – not even you…  USE YOUR WORDS – I’m sorry!  I was wrong!  Thank you!  Forgive me! I understand!  I forgive you!  Healing starts with you.

Terry D.

Mo’Nique recently stopped by “The Real” and had an emotional reconciliation with co-host Loni Love. The Almost Christmas actress opened up about a misunderstanding the two had and how they eventually got past it in a healthy and mature way. “The reason Loni and I had to hold onto each other for minute is because we could have experienced a horrible…

via Mo’Nique And Loni Love Have Emotional Reconciliation On ‘The Real’ — HelloBeautiful

In the Blink of An Eye


It was in the blink of an eye, that I began to understand what it truly meant to respect me and my worth!  I spoke my worth into existence, but I also had to begin the process of putting my faith into action, and stop thinking I had to stay in emotionally and mentally draining relationships!  When someone who claims to love you, sits in silence and allows you to suffer and shrink, you begin to internally deplete.  Silence really is golden!  If a person knows you’re willing to accept the least of respect, they will continue to push the envelope.  It’s up to you to not accept it.  It’s up to you to say, “Enough!”  

We stay because we feel an obligation to time, we feel an obligation to history, but our allegiance is to love self FIRST!       Terry D. 

It’s going to hurt like hell, but staying hurts far worse!  It’s like continuously pulling a scab off an old wound.  LOVE DOES NOT HURT -‘PEOPLE DO!  BROKEN PEOPLE PROJECT THEIR PAIN INTO YOU! Yes, into you, because it becomes a part of your spirit, and you feel the weight of their burden everyday. 

It was time to stand up for me.  Time to LOVE ME!  It was time to stop thinking I didn’t deserve someone to value me!  Someone that wouldn’t take advantage of my kindness, but appreciate it.  It is not our job to change anyone, but to be an inspiration by our actions, and expect reciprocation. 

As women, we’re taught to put others before us.   We want to fix everyone, and that’s a tall and unattainable order,  and it leaves us depleted and vulnerable!  I can’t live or love from an empty place.   

How do you arrive at a place of peace and being okay with you?  It’s your faith!  It’s the release of guilt and removing the fear of being alone, and the fear of being judged. The bulk of our decisions in relationships are tied to guilt and what others will think of us.  Don’t suffer in silence, but more importantly, allow your heart to truly heal and forgive!  Practice daily repetition of self affirmation, and remove distractions (People, places and things) that remind you of your past!  Don’t replace pain with a person!  Allow yourself to grieve, or you will end of being the offender of someone else’s affliction.

Terry D. 

How to Get Past Heartbreak


It’s not always easy to forgive, but it is necessary. Forgiveness is a process, and we have to be honest with ourselves. We have to be okay without an explanation and the why.

Terry D.

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I’m NOT Perfect, but I’m Authentically and Unapologetically ME


Nope, I’m not perfect, but I am authentically ME!  

I’ve made so many mistakes in love, life and relationships.  I used to regret my choices, but every single experience was a lesson that shaped me to be ME!  We get so hung up on our past, our mistakes, what others think of us and we don’t forgive ourselves.  God never said that weapons wouldn’t form, He just said they would not prosper.  My purpose is to help others discover their purpose, and to be a tool in their healing and restoration! 

I used to think I wasn’t worthy of someone loving me, because I hadn’t learned my worth, and I didn’t know how to love myself.  I have constantly been judged for my choices, but I had to learn not to internalize it.  It’s easier for others to judge you, and honestly, that’s their problem. 

I openly share my life, love and relationship mistakes, because I had to learn not to be ashamed or a victim.  We all make mistakes, but we all deserve second chances.  

  • When I ended up homeless, I couldn’t understand why?!?!?!?
  • When I stayed in a relationship for almost 14 years, on and off, knowing it wasn’t healthy, I questioned my sanity and worth 
  • When I found myself in a pool of blood with a slit wrist, I thought it was over for me 

In every single circumstance that I just listed above, came some great lessons and blessings!  Sounds crazy, right?

I wrote a proposal to my church for a clothing closet to assist women in shelters, because I was once a recipient, and I wanted to give back, and teach those women that your circumstances don’t define your fate or YOU!

That relationship almost broke me.  I didn’t trust anyone, but I also didn’t give up on love.  I didn’t stop believing in good men, but most importantly, I am now helping others in their journey, and I’m able to share How I Survived!

In the blink of an eye, I saw myself possibly being taken out.  I had to make a decision to change my life, or lose it.  I watched my two children look at me with tears in their eyes, as I was carried out on a stretcher with tubes everywhere, with my hands restrained, so that I wouldn’t hurt myself, and it was in that moment that I knew I had a greater purpose, and that my life was not my own!  I had to pick up the pieces and start being accountable.  

To say the least, none of this was pleasant, but I’ve learned to appreciate that God’s plans are not my plans.  I won’t apologize, because I’m me, and I continue to learn and grow.  

Don’t allow others to hold your past over you.  It was just a test run… 
 
 Terry D. 

Developing & Building Sustainable Relationships through Effective Communication, Authenticity and Restoration

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