Category Archives: Breakups

As We Lay… Who Has an Open Invitation to Your VaJayJay?


CHARACTER – It’s what we do when no one is watching…

best secret

ūüéľAs we lay, we forgot about tomorrow as we lay
As we lay, didn’t think about the price we had to pay…ūüéľ

The many Affirmations about Being Single, but all the while, there’s an ex or someone that has anpexels-photo-1076446 open¬†invitation to your vajayjay.¬† One midnight call, and you’re showering, removing the bonnet, brushing your teeth, spraying on that smell good and sliding on your sexiest¬†thongs.

We all have read the social media status of someone claiming to be:

  • Single & Saved
  • Single & Content
  • Single Does Not Equal Lonely
  • Single but NOT Settling

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of women that are happily single, but on the flip side, there are some that are creeping, and others who don’t consider themselves single, because they have a piece of a man, and will speak of him in terms of¬† “Boo” or “Bae.”¬† You can blame him for participating all day long, but you always have a choice. You’re only responsible for your own actions.

How long will you question why you’re single, before you begin to accept the part you play in your relationship status?¬† Will you keep saying there are no good men; while you contribute to increasing that number, by letting him slip and dip with you in the wee hours of the night, before he returns home to his woman/wife? Will you hide behind the excuse of his woman being stupid for allowing him to do it, or will you just keep lying to yourself, by saying that this actually works for you, because you don’t want a committed relationship?¬† If we’re completely honest with ourselves, no one wants to share, but because of societal and even family pressure, it feels easier to pretend, than to actually face our own naked truth. It’s easier to complain and blame, instead of acceptance and accountability.

You’ll even hear women dog and judge other women, because it throws off the scent off their own stench of deception.¬† Anything done in the dark comes to light, and you definitely reap what you sow.

One thing about them tables, they always turn…

It a vicious cycle that doesn’t always bear the truth, and sometimes the lie begins to feel like the truth, but the caveat to this is, it’s an accepted mentality of not being able to do any better.¬† We can label this behavior, but there are years of insecurities that are associated with it, years of failed relationships that beat down a person’s sense of worth, and it could simply be a mindset of revenge for it happening to them, or it’s a learned behavior from childhood, because it was flaunted as a badge of honor.

No matter how brave someone pretends to be, when the smoke clears, and they’re all alone, there’s a1 deep sense of loneliness and regret.¬† “This is the last time.” “Next time, I will not answer the phone.” That’s the danger of not having an accountability partner/friend/coach that you can trust, even when the picture is not pretty.¬† They’re not there to judge, they’re there to help you past the hump and make better choices. This is not a process to brave on your own.¬† You need a “Straight No Chaser” friend.

Don’t allow this behavior to become the measure of your fate.¬† We all have the propensity to change, and it comes with faith, forgiveness of self, time and a change of scenery.

Terry D.

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The Unfiltered Truth


How many of us are living our Unadulterated and Unfiltered Truth?

For a better part of my life, I have lived to appease others. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, so I lived the life they envisioned for me, and from there, it was a domino effect of living in the shadows and expectations of others. I can’t quite pinpoint the moment I stopped living a lie and living to please others, but I knew I was suffocating, and needed to take back my life and power!

It was not easy at first, because the adjustments were more difficult for others than it was for me, but I couldn’t focus on that. What I do remember is how it felt to release years of unwanted weight of acceptance and validation. I finally learned how to comfortably exercise my right to say. “No!”

Last year (2017) I published my first book, My Truth – Short Stories of Joy and Pain. My Truth

In my book, I’m able to share my journey to living My Unfiltered Truth! The good, the bad and the ugly! As I was writing, I have to admit that I shed some tears of joy and pain, because while there were some tough reminders of the process, there were also some celebratory tears of conquering my fears.

I announced and released my book at my event, The Terry D. Experience – Removing the Mask, and it was an experience indeed! There were men and women, alike removing their masks, and sharing their experiences!

 

Well, 2018 is upon us, and I’ve decided to continue the journey of living my Truth. On Thursday, January 18, I launched The first season of my Live Online Talk Show – The Unfiltered Truth, on Facebook.¬†¬†The Unfiltered Truth Live Talk Show¬†is recorded every Thursday at 8:30pm CST.

You can check out the 1st episode right here:

 

I invite you to join me on this journey to begin releasing the weight of the past, releasing the need to feel accepted, walking in your own truth and living life on your own terms! Above, I’ve provided a link to purchase my book, as well as the link for you to join me on Thursdays for my Live Online Talk Show!

I look forward to hearing from you about your journey to living a life of liberation!

Terry D.

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Why Closure Can Help & Hurt


There will be some that will argue the position that it’s almost impossible to transition into your next phase of life without closing the last chapter, and others who will say that closure is absolutely not necessary.

“Not receiving closure is toughest when the breakup is unexpected!”

img_2115If you’re in the majority who absolutely require closure, you should definitely allow some time before that conversation takes place, because if it’s too soon, the wounds are still fresh, and you want resolve, not more fighting and blame. When that conversation does take place, you have to earnestly be prepared for their, “Why!” Even if you don’t agree, it doesn’t make it any less valid.

When you’re the person looking for closure, but the other person has moved on, and you want answers, you may never get that expected apology.¬† If you were the one dumped, you are more apt to be the one blaming the other person for the failure of the relationship, but when that conversation takes place, you may find they hold you accountable as well, because they now have nothing to lose, so they’re willing to have a no holds barred dialogue.¬† They may also point out some not so desirable characteristics about you, that should have previously been discussed, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t.¬† Closure helps, because inherently; when you don’t receive the answers you have already disposed, it creates a sense of insecurity, because it makes you question your worth.

It is my opinion that no matter the explanation, it will not be an acceptable one, but it gives you an opportunity to vent, ask questions and express your frustrations. We can’t force anyone to have that conversation with us, and we certainly can’t expect the person that hurt us, to also help heal us.¬† It could be as simple as they’re just not into you. There’s no science to handling heartbreak, but time and forgiveness will aid in your road to healing.

It’s difficult to trust when we don’t get closure, and if that’s the case, give yourself time to heal, and be honest with yourself about what you could have done differently, because after you replay the conversation in your head, and you’ve had an opportunity to calm down, you might find some validity in what was said, and this will help you in your growth for your next relationship.

Terry D.

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ÔĽŅThe Relationship Hour


What is The Relationship Hour?

  • It’s an hour of peeling back the layers of the “Representative!”
  • An hour of transformation
  • An hour of transparency
  • An hour of healing
  • An hour of discovery
  • An hour of release
  • An hour of laying the foundation

We made our announcement on Sunday, July 9, about our 6 week LIVE Facebook pilot, The Relationship Hour, with Relationship Coaches and Authors, Kay S. And Terry D.!

Over the course of the next six weeks, (Five of which will be on Facebook Live and the Sixth week will give viewers an opportunity to join us in person for their questions and an UNCUT, UNCENSORED AND UNABBREVIATED HOUR or two) we will be transparent and brutally honest about our own relationship foibles, and while we’re not perfect, we have come to learn our own Love Language, identify our unhealthy relationship triggers and we’re sharing how you can learn to love you and accept that you don’t have to be perfect to have love, and be okay with moving beyond and forgiving yourself and others.

We’re also bringing a ¬†practical and simplistic, but in your face approach to developing and sustaining a healthy relationship! ¬†What does that even look like? ¬†Everyone does not define healthy love the same, because if you have seen your parents or family members be dysfunctional or even abusive, and that’s all you know – GUESS WHAT? ¬†That’s your healthy version of love.

There are components that make up the foundation for a healthy
and sustainable relationship! ¬†We did not say perfect, and we didn’t say it would be a cake walk, but it will propel you into your purpose as an individual, and how you can dispel and peel back those layers of not feeling loved without someone else giving you that validation.

Join us every week on Facebook Live on Sundays, starting July 16 at 7pm at The Relationship Hour.

Terry D.

 

 

 

 

Resist the devil, and he will flee…¬†


So you’re single and learning to love the skin you’re in.  All is well with you and your singlesness! Until… after some years of purging, healing, forgiveness and restoration, here comes the test – dressed in a nice suit, standing 6’4″ tall, smelling good and saying all the right things.  It’s your EX! 

Well well well… I’m convinced they can smell your “Im over you” a mile away.  Now the prey begins.  See, when you wanted them to be the hunter, they could barely muster up enough energy to even call you once a day. 

One day as you’re minding your own business, you receive a text out of no where – “Hey!” or “I miss you!” You wipe your eyes, and whisper a few choice words in your head, and I’m sure a few out loud!  Now what? Hey? I miss you? Man listen!  You gather your composure, and start to wonder what he wants. Your mind begins to play tricks on you, and you contemplate whether or not to respond.  

Take your fingers off that trigger.

First phase: Reminiscing about the good times, because you’ve conveniently suppressed the bad ones. You say to yourself, “He did kiss good!”  “I remember when…” 

If you stay here too long, you will find yourself back in the saddle, and that kiss doesn’t feel so good, because the reason you initially broke up, will resurface.  The “Hey” text was just to test the waters to see if you would take the bait!  I’m not saying it can’t work, but when someone really wants you, they GO HARD!  They take the risk that you may say no. A grown man will not text you to rekindle or to see if you’re still interested! 

Phase two:  You start looking for at least one person to validate your foolishness and give you the green light to text him back.  You begin sharing this with your girlfriends.  Girl, can you believe he texted me after all of this time?  There will be at least one out of the three that will cosign, but the other two will hell nawwwww you right out of it!  

We look for reasons to respond, and we need someone else to tell us it’s okay. When you have to ask, you already know there’s a problem.

When you’ve gone through a period of purge, healing, forgiveness and restoration, there will always be something or someone to test your grit. It’s up to you what you will and will not allow. Sometimes it’s just to show us our strength, resilience and restraint, and not to punish us, or give us a reason to revisit the pain!  Trust that your healing has equipped you with the ability to see the situation with a different pair of lenses.  

When someone attempts to come back in your life, and they’re not serious, they will automatically notice the change, but they’ll also use every chance they get to remind you of who you used to be, as to attempt to undermine your current mindset. It sometimes becomes the euphoria of the chase and the challenge of changing your no to yes. 

James 4:7 Resist the devil, and he will flee…

We all become vulnerable at times.  Even if the temptation gets the best of you – no worries, you will be able to tap into your source of faith and peace.  It’s doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it just gives you another lesson that will be unambiguous to you in the future.

Terry D. 

I’m NOT Perfect, but I’m Authentically and Unapologetically ME


Nope, I’m not perfect, but I am authentically ME!  

I’ve made so many mistakes in love, life and relationships.  I used to regret my choices, but every single experience was a lesson that shaped me to be ME!  We get so hung up on our past, our mistakes, what others think of us and we don’t forgive ourselves.  God never said that weapons wouldn’t form, He just said they would not prosper.  My purpose is to help others discover their purpose, and to be a tool in their healing and restoration! 

I used to think I wasn’t worthy of someone loving me, because I hadn’t learned my worth, and I didn’t know how to love myself.  I have constantly been judged for my choices, but I had to learn not to internalize it.  It’s easier for others to judge you, and honestly, that’s their problem. 

I openly share my life, love and relationship mistakes, because I had to learn not to be ashamed or a victim.  We all make mistakes, but we all deserve second chances.  

  • When I ended up homeless, I couldn’t understand why?!?!?!?
  • When I stayed in a relationship for almost 14 years, on and off, knowing it wasn’t healthy, I questioned my sanity and worth 
  • When I found myself in a pool of blood with a slit wrist, I thought it was over for me 

In every single circumstance that I just listed above, came some great lessons and blessings!  Sounds crazy, right?

I wrote a proposal to my church for a clothing closet to assist women in shelters, because I was once a recipient, and I wanted to give back, and teach those women that your circumstances don’t define your fate or YOU!

That relationship almost broke me.  I didn’t trust anyone, but I also didn’t give up on love.  I didn’t stop believing in good men, but most importantly, I am now helping others in their journey, and I’m able to share How I Survived!

In the blink of an eye, I saw myself possibly being taken out.  I had to make a decision to change my life, or lose it.  I watched my two children look at me with tears in their eyes, as I was carried out on a stretcher with tubes everywhere, with my hands restrained, so that I wouldn’t hurt myself, and it was in that moment that I knew I had a greater purpose, and that my life was not my own!  I had to pick up the pieces and start being accountable.  

To say the least, none of this was pleasant, but I’ve learned to appreciate that God’s plans are not my plans.  I won’t apologize, because I’m me, and I continue to learn and grow.  

Don’t allow others to hold your past over you.  It was just a test run… 
 
 Terry D. 

You Still Attract the Same People, Because You’re Living A Lie


20130904-055105.jpgWe often ask ourselves so many questions as to why we’re single? ¬†Why we keep entering into bad relationships? What is it about me that keeps attracting the same men/women? What or who is the common thread? Y – O – UUUUUUU! Are you accountable for you and your actions/choices? Women like to believe that it’s because there are no good men. Maybe there are some men that don’t want a monogamous relationship, but those are the men that you stay away from. Instead, we continue to entertain them, and wonder why our relationships fail. Men think that some women are after their money. Well, if you don’t want that, stop flexing like you’re a baller, and get mad when thirsty women flock to you.

“Our consequences are often the result of our irresponsible choices!” Coach Terry D.

It feels good to say, “I’m no longer going to accept BS from anyone.” However, saying it,bethesameperson and actually living it is a different story. ¬†You’re changed and taking no prisoners, right? Sometimes, we have to take inventory of ourselves, and not others. If there are still pieces of you that haven’t let go of the OLD you, for fear of not being attractive; you’ll still be attractive, and you will also stop attracting the same kinds of people. You can’t live an inward lie, and walk around trying to fool the public. It’s like telling people you’re celibate, but that’s only because you don’t have anyone. The real test comes when you are in a relationship, and you still stick to your commitment of celibacy.

You want change?
Start with you…
Look in the mirror, and tell yourself the cold hard truth. I mean the things you would probably never admit to anyone else. The things that will even make you look at yourself crazy. ¬†If you know you’ve been using sex to get what you want, admit it to yourself, and pray for deliverance of promiscuity and insecurity. If you lust after someone else’s man, look inside of you, to learn why. ¬†Sometimes we’ve lied to ourselves so long, that it feels better to accept the lie, rather than face our truths, because it doesn’t feel good to think that we could be the problem.

Write down all the things you did wrong in past relationships – NOT THE OTHER PERSON! This is a purge, a self-proclamation, a faith walk, healing, repentance, accountability and STARTING OVER! You can have affirmations, and lie to yourself all you want, but if you don’t honestly make real changes; I mean character changes, and not get into a relationship until you have earnestly made these changes, you will have a long road ahead of you that yields repetitive results of heartbreak.

You have to be ready to receive the relationship that you desire.  You have to be a woman or man about yours, and know when someone is or is not good for you, and be willing to let go, and know that this was just a test run, and not feel the need to answer to anyone else, or live your life based on expectations of others.

You’ll know when you’ve turned the corner, because you feel the change inside of you. ¬†The conviction will be in your spirit. ¬†You’re no longer attracted to the same things, sex is not the driving force in your quest to relationships, you will begin to attract the kind of men/women that you want, and be able to say no to the ones you’re not equally yoked with. ¬†Love really is not as hard as we make it. We stumble our way through the dark, trying to make it perfect! It wasn’t meant to be perfect, it is meant to serve you both in the capacity that makes you happy, shows mutual respect, protects and guards the heart, forgives and trust.

If anything in this BLOG has resonated with you, or maybe you know someone that can benefit from it, please share, and let me know your thoughts. Thank you!

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Coach Terry D.