Category Archives: Breakups

EXHALE


breatheWhen do you EXHALE?  Do you hold your breath until you find love, or until it finds you? When the experience of love has broken you so many times, you begin to question its legitimacy.  You wonder if everyone is lying, because all of your encounters with love have left you feeling undesirable, depleted and nothing like what you’ve been shown or told.

Love is real, but for so many men and women, it feels unattainable.  If you question its validity, people question your faith, as if you’re not allowed room for error.  To be completely honest, I’ve struggled with love, and what it means to me, and if I would ever experience it in its entirety.  When I was in my early 20’s, I never had a problem with cutting off someone, and never looking back, but I attribute that to lust and immaturity.  As I got older, I began to experience real love, and it wasn’t as easy to walk away, but eventually after multiple breakups and going more than 12 rounds with the same person, I would let go.  I’m not going to lie and say it was easy, because it was not.  There are many reasons why some stay longer than others.  (i.e. addiction, insecurities)  Yes, you can be addicted to a person, or have an addictive personality.

It’s challenging for some to understand how to EXHALE, how to let go and how to make difficult decisions, whether it be to stay or leave through all the BS, without feeling judged!  Why?  Because they see people not always being honest about their struggles in their own relationships.  We live in a society where marriage equals instant happiness, or single after a certain age, means you’re damaged goods, so FOOLS rush in, without all the facts.

We put unnecessary pressures on ourselves, by trying to live up to a distorted view of reality.  Relationship Coach, Terry D.

If we’re completely honest, we can admit that we ALL have made some bad choices, but that doesn’t mean we’re not worthy, or that we don’t get a second chance.  Yes, we should hold ourselves to higher standards, but not so high, that we don’t forgive ourselves.  So the question is not when do you EXHALE, but How do I EXHALE?  By letting yourself off the hook, taking a deep breath, and accepting the fact that SHIT happens!  Stop worrying about what others think.  You have to free your heart up for love.  Guess what?  You may just make the same mistake again, but you will also now have the previous experience as a reference.  Yes, it’s true, we learn from our mistakes, but it may take more than one, BUT don’t allow others to judge you for your choices.

close your eyesHow do you know if you have EXHALED?  

  • You find yourself no longer holding grudges
  • You don’t keep returning to the scene of the crime (the reason you’re unhappy)
  • You no longer carry the guilt
  • You’re able to freely share your story without being angry
  • You are now considering love again

There’s no formula for love, but the ONE thing you must do is persevere!  The moment you give up, or give into your fears, you have allowed the enemy to win. Relationship Coach, Terry D.

Coach Terry D.

What’s Wrong With Me?


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What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I find true love? Why does it seem like it’ll never happen for me, and what am I doing wrong? I see everyone else prospering in love, but I feel so hopeless…

  • There’s nothing wrong with you, you just have to be true to you, and not be a repetitive lover.  What does that mean? Evaluate what has NOT worked for you, and do the polar opposite.
  • You can’t find love, because you’re looking!  STOP chasing love.  It will come to you! Timing is everything.  We become impatient, and take matters into our own hands.  God has a plan for us, and if we’re honest, we haven’t done a great job so far.
  • We focus so much on what others have, and lose sight of what we actually have ourselves. People only let you see what they want – you can’t judge a book by its cover, and your love is yours to experience…

We want love, but when it comes to sticking to our guns, we lose all sense of self.  I know it’s been a while, but that doesn’t mean to lose your values, panties and mind, as soon as someone gives you a little attention.  There is actually someone that will give you exactly what you want, but you have to stand firm on what you want and believe.  Trust what you have to offer, and it will speak for itself, and attract the same.

I’m guilty too, and here’s what I’ve learned:

  1. No matter how much you give of yourself, if that person isn’t ready, it won’t work.
  2. It only makes you question love, relationships and your ability to make sound decisions.
  3. It makes you bitter!
  4. You end up in multiple, unstable and dead end relationships.
  5. You create soul ties that are hard to break.

If you want a man that’s a Christian, don’t kick it at clubs every weekend, and don’t fall for, “I don’t go like I should.”  This is an excuse and evasive of the truth.

If you want the love you truly deserve, start standing up for you, stop lying about what you want, and that person will love you and won’t blink or think twice about answering the call!

Terry D. ❤️

He Didn’t Lie to You – You Chose Not to Listen


 

Nope, he didn’t lie, but what you heard, and what you thought you would change, are two different things!  Don’t set yourself up for failure! People will tell you the truth several times, in several different ways, exactly who they are, and what they want, but we don’t take it at face value, because they continue to hang  out with us, because they know their intentions, and just might not care enough to protect yours.  People feel like, if they tell you their intentions, and you stay, you’re good with it.  

People change when they’re ready, and for the person who inspires them to.  It has nothing to do with you, because regardless of all our efforts to try and make this person see how amazing you are, or how good you can be together, it has to be reciprocated and felt from both ends.  

One thing I’ve learned to be a fact is, men and women don’t have to spend an inordinate amount of time together, to evaluate what they want.  Women almost know from the first date, if she’s going to sleep with you, and he knows if he values you enough to make you a priority and his only!  There aren’t really any gray areas there.  Now of course, we continue to grow together and our feelings change, we become more involved, but if we’re completely honest, sometimes you’re just a filler; and its up to you to decide if you’re okay with that…

Terry D.

Being Mary Jane – Seasons


IMG_1720       Yes, in the first married manseason, Mary Jane dated a married man, she slept around, and although  in this season; she may still be wrestling and grappling to gain some sense of relationship normalcy, she is still at a crossroad.  Let’s not judge, because we all have been there, going through it, or may even be on our way there; or at best, we can say that we’ve had some major relationship deficiencies, at one time or another.   So many everyday women, like you and me, not only identify with her, but also have our own demons that keep our hearts hostage to pain and heartbreak!!! We almost begin to believe this is “Our normal!” Mary Jane’s myriad of spiraling emotions are nothing short of what most black women endure in relationships!  All we need is a glimpse of hope, and it will keep us emotionally bound and gagged, but it’s that fight that keeps us going, and that same fight makes us lie to all those involved, including ourselves.  It is, however, very difficult to keep up the deception, before someone begins to witness us unravel before their very eyes! IMG_1702All of Mary Jane Paul’s relationships seem to border on some form of being dysfunctional.  She is the glue that keeps her family together, she has a friend that resents her, therefor; her refuge is sex and alcohol. She feels safe when she has a moment that she is not juggling so many balls in the air, because no one expects that she should ever show any signs of weakness.  Does she want more than sex? Absolutely, and so do so many women, but somehow, it all gets lost in the translation of life, what we mistake for love and mediocrity begins to become acceptable.  Even in the roughest of times, Mary Jane finds a way to keep her head on straight, long enough to begin saying no to things that aren’t serving her. cell phoneWhat keeps us hanging on is addiction – it’s not always love.  We can truly become addicted to a person, and like any other addiction, we need HELP to kick the habit!  We can’t let go, because we reminisce on what could have been… We don’t delete the text messages, we look at old pics and we insist on closure, just so that we can have an excuse to hold onto false hope. Mary Jane Paul is making decisions that she doesn’t realize are controlled by emotional disparity, and not because of a biological clock, but it’s all a smoke screen that would otherwise force her to face the truth.  It’s not an overnight or one size fit all solution. It’s a matter of  acknowledgment, accountability and the courage to forgive ourselves and to learn to simply say, “NO!” Soooo, What’s next…Season 3   Terry D.

These Are My Confessions


these are my confessionsHow many of us are willing to admit that the failure of love has kept us up at night, or caused us to even cry ourselves to sleep?  I have loved and lost, and even swore off love, but then I find myself right back in the trenches of wanting to share my heart with someone else, but often feeling trapped from the fear of losing it again.  We’re told that we should love ourselves enough to not allow someone else not to, but it’s not always so easy now is it?  We don’t always feel comfortable confessing that we don’t always want to be so strong, but instead, we want to feel sorry for ourselves, just for a moment.   Even though it doesn’t solve anything, it’s a temporary satisfaction that helps for now…

In my journey, I find myself meeting others that are ready to bandaged heartexplode, because they walk around for years, with bottled up lies of how they really feel when they broke up with someone, afraid to admit that they stayed longer than they should have, or that they even think about getting back with someone that might not be good for them, or maybe have even done it, but feel ashamed to admit this, and is emotionally isolated in their actions, because of their fear of judgment.    Some of our behaviors are subconscious, but it will take someone that can identify with you, and be able to accept you for you.

It’s not that we’re not capable of loving ourselves; we just really have to be honest, and accept that we are NOT perfect, and we will not live up to all the pressures that are placed upon us.  So damn what if you slip up.  You won’t be the first or last.  Here’s the thing – the only reason we’re afraid to share our relationship botches, is because the other people you’re talking to, are not always telling you the whole truth either, and we think we’re in this alone, and let’s be honest, people feel better, if it’s not them failing.  Sometimes we feel like a loser, when we tell “Our TRUTH!”

Love is not exact, and you may screw it up more than once, and yes you have to learn to love you, but you have to figure out how to do that, and as long as you’re honest with yourself, you will feel less worried about pleasing others, and get back to the business of navigating your own missteps and letting yourself off the hook when it doesn’t go exactly as planned.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, you just have to learn to meet others and yourself exactly where you are right now!

In the words of Usher, “These are my confessions.”

Terry D.

Loving Me, Ain’t Always Been Easy


Terry D.Yes, it’s true, loving Me, has not always been easy! I faked my happiness, because I wanted what everyone else told me I was supposed to have, what others may have been pretending to have and what society tells us, we’re incomplete without. Hell, for that matter, I was told that I would never find love by people who loved me, because I either didn’t look the part, or it just would never happen for me. This journey to loving me, has taught me some painful, but valuable lessons. You see, we think we love ourselves, based on shallow and superficial things, but that’s just a mask of deception, that helps us shield ourselves from the truth. If we check our records of love, we can trace a lineage of heartache, that we kept accepting, because it served its purpose at that time. Some we attracted, simply because we needed to feel a semblance of something that mimicked love.

It really is true that hurt people, hurt people. While on your search for love, you attract people who aren’t whole either, and you BOTH hurt one another.  We convince ourselves that this person loves us, because our common thread is so familiar, but definitely not healthy.

When I discovered I didn’t love me, I sat in the middle of the floor, and cried for hours. That’s when my journey to discovery of real love began – how to love me, and STOP looking for others to do it for me. Nope, it didn’t magically just happen, but I was more aware of my actions, and what I allowed.

TODAY, I couldn’t be more comfortable with me, and whether it be personal or otherwise, the people and things that attach to me, has to be healthy and of service to my well being. If not, I do know that God doesn’t make mistakes, and I’m able to either help them on their journey, or know when to say, “WHEN!”

When I am asked questions from my clients, or just those who are on their own self discovery love journey, I listen with an open mind and heart, because this is a familiar road that is not easy, and definitely shouldn’t be judged. However, I am honest.

It’s so amazing how open I am to love, although it was the single most difficult thing to trust for years upon years. I still struggle a little, but my faith keeps me, and I see God working through me. I’ve had some near misses, but now it seems that love keeps finding me in every area of my life, and it feels so damn good!

It may not have been easy, but it has actually been worth it, because it was my journey to take… In the words of a woman I admire so very much, my literary giant, “Maya Angelou,” I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now!

Terry D.

Open Relationships – “On A Break”


I was watching a talk show, and the subject was, “Open Relationships.” I tried to listen with an open mind, but the more justifications I heard from the Sex Expert,
http://www.bet.com/video/just-keke/2014/exclusives/shannon-t-boodram-breaks-down-open-relationships.html the more I wondered, What the what? Her explanation behind the reasoning of these relationships was, “With there being a new generation, and they don’t stay in anything too long, it’s only natural that they would not commit to a relationship.” Well, what makes it natural to be in an open relationship?  It was, to say the least, disturbing, to hear an “Expert” justify and plant this type of seed into today’s generation. We all see how that worked out for both Dwayne Wade http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20770629,00.html and Ludacris. http://bossip.com/888989/another-year-another-love-child-ludacris-fathered-secret-baby-during-break-from-eudoxie/ They both ended up with babies during their “Break.”

Open Relationship, is just a way of saying, I want to be with you, but everyone else also, and when I’m tired of playing around, we’ll go back to being monogamous. I believe that women have conformed to this foolishness and nonsense, to fool themselves into believing that it’s okay, because otherwise, they might find themselves alone, or if they think that it might be headed in that direction anyway, they propose the concept first. Let’s just stay right there, because essentially, you are alone until they’re done with the other person/people.  Not to say that there aren’t any, but there aren’t a lot of women that are willing to share their man, just to have a piece of one.

Is nothing sacred any longer? Marriage is now a convenience, or maybe even more of a fad, because if it doesn’t work, we can just have an open marriage, and trade up for a better model.

So, we’ve decided to take a break, and now you get to fool around with someone else, and not to mention, you don’t even have enough respect for me and my body, to use protection, which is evident, because you’ve gotten someone else pregnant.

So the expert’s take is, because marriages aren’t working, it’s time to do something different. The different is only going to further drive the divorce rate up, and make young adults think, that commitment is fleeting, which flows into all areas of their lives. She goes on to further compare the younger generation to not keeping jobs long, and the same serves for relationships.

An Open Relationship is just an excuse to cheat. It’s no different than being single. Who wants to be in a relationship, and feel like they’re single?  It’s seems like people who want to be monogamous, are now becoming the minority.

No matter the generation, year or time, morals and values should never be dismissed, and there are so many repercussions for this behavior. I’m not going to play russian roulette with my mental, spiritual or physical well-being.

What are your thoughts?

Terry D.<img src=”https://lovechaptersdotnet.files.wordpress.com