Category Archives: Cheating

Why Closure Can Help & Hurt


There will be some that will argue the position that it’s almost impossible to transition into your next phase of life without closing the last chapter, and others who will say that closure is absolutely not necessary.

“Not receiving closure is toughest when the breakup is unexpected!”

img_2115If you’re in the majority who absolutely require closure, you should definitely allow some time before that conversation takes place, because if it’s too soon, the wounds are still fresh, and you want resolve, not more fighting and blame. When that conversation does take place, you have to earnestly be prepared for their, “Why!” Even if you don’t agree, it doesn’t make it any less valid.

When you’re the person looking for closure, but the other person has moved on, and you want answers, you may never get that expected apology.  If you were the one dumped, you are more apt to be the one blaming the other person for the failure of the relationship, but when that conversation takes place, you may find they hold you accountable as well, because they now have nothing to lose, so they’re willing to have a no holds barred dialogue.  They may also point out some not so desirable characteristics about you, that should have previously been discussed, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t.  Closure helps, because inherently; when you don’t receive the answers you have already disposed, it creates a sense of insecurity, because it makes you question your worth.

It is my opinion that no matter the explanation, it will not be an acceptable one, but it gives you an opportunity to vent, ask questions and express your frustrations. We can’t force anyone to have that conversation with us, and we certainly can’t expect the person that hurt us, to also help heal us.  It could be as simple as they’re just not into you. There’s no science to handling heartbreak, but time and forgiveness will aid in your road to healing.

It’s difficult to trust when we don’t get closure, and if that’s the case, give yourself time to heal, and be honest with yourself about what you could have done differently, because after you replay the conversation in your head, and you’ve had an opportunity to calm down, you might find some validity in what was said, and this will help you in your growth for your next relationship.

Terry D.

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The Relationship Hour


What is The Relationship Hour?

  • It’s an hour of peeling back the layers of the “Representative!”
  • An hour of transformation
  • An hour of transparency
  • An hour of healing
  • An hour of discovery
  • An hour of release
  • An hour of laying the foundation

We made our announcement on Sunday, July 9, about our 6 week LIVE Facebook pilot, The Relationship Hour, with Relationship Coaches and Authors, Kay S. And Terry D.!

Over the course of the next six weeks, (Five of which will be on Facebook Live and the Sixth week will give viewers an opportunity to join us in person for their questions and an UNCUT, UNCENSORED AND UNABBREVIATED HOUR or two) we will be transparent and brutally honest about our own relationship foibles, and while we’re not perfect, we have come to learn our own Love Language, identify our unhealthy relationship triggers and we’re sharing how you can learn to love you and accept that you don’t have to be perfect to have love, and be okay with moving beyond and forgiving yourself and others.

We’re also bringing a  practical and simplistic, but in your face approach to developing and sustaining a healthy relationship!  What does that even look like?  Everyone does not define healthy love the same, because if you have seen your parents or family members be dysfunctional or even abusive, and that’s all you know – GUESS WHAT?  That’s your healthy version of love.

There are components that make up the foundation for a healthy
and sustainable relationship!  We did not say perfect, and we didn’t say it would be a cake walk, but it will propel you into your purpose as an individual, and how you can dispel and peel back those layers of not feeling loved without someone else giving you that validation.

Join us every week on Facebook Live on Sundays, starting July 16 at 7pm at The Relationship Hour.

Terry D.

 

 

 

 

Resist the devil, and he will flee… 


So you’re single and learning to love the skin you’re in.  All is well with you and your singlesness! Until… after some years of purging, healing, forgiveness and restoration, here comes the test – dressed in a nice suit, standing 6’4″ tall, smelling good and saying all the right things.  It’s your EX! 

Well well well… I’m convinced they can smell your “Im over you” a mile away.  Now the prey begins.  See, when you wanted them to be the hunter, they could barely muster up enough energy to even call you once a day. 

One day as you’re minding your own business, you receive a text out of no where – “Hey!” or “I miss you!” You wipe your eyes, and whisper a few choice words in your head, and I’m sure a few out loud!  Now what? Hey? I miss you? Man listen!  You gather your composure, and start to wonder what he wants. Your mind begins to play tricks on you, and you contemplate whether or not to respond.  

Take your fingers off that trigger.

First phase: Reminiscing about the good times, because you’ve conveniently suppressed the bad ones. You say to yourself, “He did kiss good!”  “I remember when…” 

If you stay here too long, you will find yourself back in the saddle, and that kiss doesn’t feel so good, because the reason you initially broke up, will resurface.  The “Hey” text was just to test the waters to see if you would take the bait!  I’m not saying it can’t work, but when someone really wants you, they GO HARD!  They take the risk that you may say no. A grown man will not text you to rekindle or to see if you’re still interested! 

Phase two:  You start looking for at least one person to validate your foolishness and give you the green light to text him back.  You begin sharing this with your girlfriends.  Girl, can you believe he texted me after all of this time?  There will be at least one out of the three that will cosign, but the other two will hell nawwwww you right out of it!  

We look for reasons to respond, and we need someone else to tell us it’s okay. When you have to ask, you already know there’s a problem.

When you’ve gone through a period of purge, healing, forgiveness and restoration, there will always be something or someone to test your grit. It’s up to you what you will and will not allow. Sometimes it’s just to show us our strength, resilience and restraint, and not to punish us, or give us a reason to revisit the pain!  Trust that your healing has equipped you with the ability to see the situation with a different pair of lenses.  

When someone attempts to come back in your life, and they’re not serious, they will automatically notice the change, but they’ll also use every chance they get to remind you of who you used to be, as to attempt to undermine your current mindset. It sometimes becomes the euphoria of the chase and the challenge of changing your no to yes. 

James 4:7 Resist the devil, and he will flee…

We all become vulnerable at times.  Even if the temptation gets the best of you – no worries, you will be able to tap into your source of faith and peace.  It’s doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it just gives you another lesson that will be unambiguous to you in the future.

Terry D. 

You Still Attract the Same People, Because You’re Living A Lie


20130904-055105.jpgWe often ask ourselves so many questions as to why we’re single?  Why we keep entering into bad relationships? What is it about me that keeps attracting the same men/women? What or who is the common thread? Y – O – UUUUUUU! Are you accountable for you and your actions/choices? Women like to believe that it’s because there are no good men. Maybe there are some men that don’t want a monogamous relationship, but those are the men that you stay away from. Instead, we continue to entertain them, and wonder why our relationships fail. Men think that some women are after their money. Well, if you don’t want that, stop flexing like you’re a baller, and get mad when thirsty women flock to you.

“Our consequences are often the result of our irresponsible choices!” Coach Terry D.

It feels good to say, “I’m no longer going to accept BS from anyone.” However, saying it,bethesameperson and actually living it is a different story.  You’re changed and taking no prisoners, right? Sometimes, we have to take inventory of ourselves, and not others. If there are still pieces of you that haven’t let go of the OLD you, for fear of not being attractive; you’ll still be attractive, and you will also stop attracting the same kinds of people. You can’t live an inward lie, and walk around trying to fool the public. It’s like telling people you’re celibate, but that’s only because you don’t have anyone. The real test comes when you are in a relationship, and you still stick to your commitment of celibacy.

You want change?
Start with you…
Look in the mirror, and tell yourself the cold hard truth. I mean the things you would probably never admit to anyone else. The things that will even make you look at yourself crazy.  If you know you’ve been using sex to get what you want, admit it to yourself, and pray for deliverance of promiscuity and insecurity. If you lust after someone else’s man, look inside of you, to learn why.  Sometimes we’ve lied to ourselves so long, that it feels better to accept the lie, rather than face our truths, because it doesn’t feel good to think that we could be the problem.

Write down all the things you did wrong in past relationships – NOT THE OTHER PERSON! This is a purge, a self-proclamation, a faith walk, healing, repentance, accountability and STARTING OVER! You can have affirmations, and lie to yourself all you want, but if you don’t honestly make real changes; I mean character changes, and not get into a relationship until you have earnestly made these changes, you will have a long road ahead of you that yields repetitive results of heartbreak.

You have to be ready to receive the relationship that you desire.  You have to be a woman or man about yours, and know when someone is or is not good for you, and be willing to let go, and know that this was just a test run, and not feel the need to answer to anyone else, or live your life based on expectations of others.

You’ll know when you’ve turned the corner, because you feel the change inside of you.  The conviction will be in your spirit.  You’re no longer attracted to the same things, sex is not the driving force in your quest to relationships, you will begin to attract the kind of men/women that you want, and be able to say no to the ones you’re not equally yoked with.  Love really is not as hard as we make it. We stumble our way through the dark, trying to make it perfect! It wasn’t meant to be perfect, it is meant to serve you both in the capacity that makes you happy, shows mutual respect, protects and guards the heart, forgives and trust.

If anything in this BLOG has resonated with you, or maybe you know someone that can benefit from it, please share, and let me know your thoughts. Thank you!

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Coach Terry D.

 

 

 

He Didn’t Lie to You – You Chose Not to Listen


 

Nope, he didn’t lie, but what you heard, and what you thought you would change, are two different things!  Don’t set yourself up for failure! People will tell you the truth several times, in several different ways, exactly who they are, and what they want, but we don’t take it at face value, because they continue to hang  out with us, because they know their intentions, and just might not care enough to protect yours.  People feel like, if they tell you their intentions, and you stay, you’re good with it.  

People change when they’re ready, and for the person who inspires them to.  It has nothing to do with you, because regardless of all our efforts to try and make this person see how amazing you are, or how good you can be together, it has to be reciprocated and felt from both ends.  

One thing I’ve learned to be a fact is, men and women don’t have to spend an inordinate amount of time together, to evaluate what they want.  Women almost know from the first date, if she’s going to sleep with you, and he knows if he values you enough to make you a priority and his only!  There aren’t really any gray areas there.  Now of course, we continue to grow together and our feelings change, we become more involved, but if we’re completely honest, sometimes you’re just a filler; and its up to you to decide if you’re okay with that…

Terry D.

Being Mary Jane – Seasons


IMG_1720       Yes, in the first married manseason, Mary Jane dated a married man, she slept around, and although  in this season; she may still be wrestling and grappling to gain some sense of relationship normalcy, she is still at a crossroad.  Let’s not judge, because we all have been there, going through it, or may even be on our way there; or at best, we can say that we’ve had some major relationship deficiencies, at one time or another.   So many everyday women, like you and me, not only identify with her, but also have our own demons that keep our hearts hostage to pain and heartbreak!!! We almost begin to believe this is “Our normal!” Mary Jane’s myriad of spiraling emotions are nothing short of what most black women endure in relationships!  All we need is a glimpse of hope, and it will keep us emotionally bound and gagged, but it’s that fight that keeps us going, and that same fight makes us lie to all those involved, including ourselves.  It is, however, very difficult to keep up the deception, before someone begins to witness us unravel before their very eyes! IMG_1702All of Mary Jane Paul’s relationships seem to border on some form of being dysfunctional.  She is the glue that keeps her family together, she has a friend that resents her, therefor; her refuge is sex and alcohol. She feels safe when she has a moment that she is not juggling so many balls in the air, because no one expects that she should ever show any signs of weakness.  Does she want more than sex? Absolutely, and so do so many women, but somehow, it all gets lost in the translation of life, what we mistake for love and mediocrity begins to become acceptable.  Even in the roughest of times, Mary Jane finds a way to keep her head on straight, long enough to begin saying no to things that aren’t serving her. cell phoneWhat keeps us hanging on is addiction – it’s not always love.  We can truly become addicted to a person, and like any other addiction, we need HELP to kick the habit!  We can’t let go, because we reminisce on what could have been… We don’t delete the text messages, we look at old pics and we insist on closure, just so that we can have an excuse to hold onto false hope. Mary Jane Paul is making decisions that she doesn’t realize are controlled by emotional disparity, and not because of a biological clock, but it’s all a smoke screen that would otherwise force her to face the truth.  It’s not an overnight or one size fit all solution. It’s a matter of  acknowledgment, accountability and the courage to forgive ourselves and to learn to simply say, “NO!” Soooo, What’s next…Season 3   Terry D.

Beneath the Surface ( Joy & Pain)


IMG_1136You think she’s bitter, but she’s broken from being deceived and lied to for so long. Look beneath the surface! It’s not you she’s upset with, and maybe she just hasn’t figured out how to make sense of it all, but she may just need your patience and gentleness. If you think about it, you haven’t always been where you are either, but someone else may not have had patience with you.  It was for a reason, not a lifetime – so that you’re able to be with someone who understands you, and it may not be as easy to obtain, but it will be worth it. Don’t give up! She needs to know that you’re not like the rest. Often times, the one that thinks they’re saving someone, needs to be saved also, but they don’t know that until it actually happens.

The 3 things that you need to do to hold on:

1. Trust the God in you, and share your own fears and insecurities.IMG_1137 There’s something about knowing that you can relate to one another, and don’t mind showing your vulnerability.

2. Keep sex out of it, until you’ve established trust. It only clouds your judgement, and places you back at square one.

3. Love her through and out of the pain.

This is both your opportunities to learn to love again, set your own rules and put the past behind you!

Terry D.