Category Archives: Cheating

Loving Me, Ain’t Always Been Easy


Terry D.Yes, it’s true, loving Me, has not always been easy! I faked my happiness, because I wanted what everyone else told me I was supposed to have, what others may have been pretending to have and what society tells us, we’re incomplete without. Hell, for that matter, I was told that I would never find love by people who loved me, because I either didn’t look the part, or it just would never happen for me. This journey to loving me, has taught me some painful, but valuable lessons. You see, we think we love ourselves, based on shallow and superficial things, but that’s just a mask of deception, that helps us shield ourselves from the truth. If we check our records of love, we can trace a lineage of heartache, that we kept accepting, because it served its purpose at that time. Some we attracted, simply because we needed to feel a semblance of something that mimicked love.

It really is true that hurt people, hurt people. While on your search for love, you attract people who aren’t whole either, and you BOTH hurt one another.  We convince ourselves that this person loves us, because our common thread is so familiar, but definitely not healthy.

When I discovered I didn’t love me, I sat in the middle of the floor, and cried for hours. That’s when my journey to discovery of real love began – how to love me, and STOP looking for others to do it for me. Nope, it didn’t magically just happen, but I was more aware of my actions, and what I allowed.

TODAY, I couldn’t be more comfortable with me, and whether it be personal or otherwise, the people and things that attach to me, has to be healthy and of service to my well being. If not, I do know that God doesn’t make mistakes, and I’m able to either help them on their journey, or know when to say, “WHEN!”

When I am asked questions from my clients, or just those who are on their own self discovery love journey, I listen with an open mind and heart, because this is a familiar road that is not easy, and definitely shouldn’t be judged. However, I am honest.

It’s so amazing how open I am to love, although it was the single most difficult thing to trust for years upon years. I still struggle a little, but my faith keeps me, and I see God working through me. I’ve had some near misses, but now it seems that love keeps finding me in every area of my life, and it feels so damn good!

It may not have been easy, but it has actually been worth it, because it was my journey to take… In the words of a woman I admire so very much, my literary giant, “Maya Angelou,” I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now!

Terry D.

Are We Grooming Our Black Sons & Daughters For Marriage?


familyAs a culture,  we don’t groom our children for family and marriage. Just because marriage may not have worked out for you, or you never walked down the aisle, doesn’t mean you taint the views of marriage to your children. We should always want more for them, than we had/have.

Things we shouldn’t be saying to them:
1. All men are dogs (Lack of Trust)
2. Make sure you get paid first (Soft Prostitution)
3. Women will use you (Lack of trust)
4. You’re a player, don’t get trapped by one woman (Womanizer)
5. Keep her in her place (Promotes abuse)

Our habits, good or bad, are mimicked  by our offsprings, and if they see us as women, disrespecting the man in the house, it teaches our daughters not to respect her husband,  and our sons to either be doormats or even abusive, because of resentment.  We don’t like to use the word roles, until it applies to the heavy lifting responsibilities,  like certain chores or finances.  I like being a lady, I like feeling safe, I like handing over certain things to him, I like him walking on the outside  of me, opening my door. See that’s his “Role.”  Yes, there is a surge of single parents, so it becomes second nature to just do things for yourself.   It’s not a sign of weakness, if you relinquish carrying  out the garbage, or changing a lock.  It does take some getting used to.  These are all the dysfunctional behaviors we subconsciously  teach ourselves and our children, and before you know it, your daughter is saying, “I don’t need a man to take care of me.”  In all reality, it feels good to have the option, but when all you’ve seen is Mama doing it for herself, it just seems natural to adopt the same feelings.  I talk a lot about generational curses, because it’s the very thing that is tearing the black family apart.

Groom your son for marriage. Don’t teach him to be a player, by telling him at the age of 2, that he’s a pimp, he will be a heart breaker and all the girls are going to love him.  Planting seeds of womanizing is dangerous.  If you’re a man who likes  a lot of women,  and you flaunt this in front of both your daughter and son, she will think it’s okay for a man to cheat, and your son will admire your slick ways, and soon mirror them.

Ladies, please stop bringing every Tom, Dick and Harry around your children.  Especially  your daughter.  We can teach our daughters to respect themselves, by how we dress and how we conduct ourselves. Stop looking for a man to pay you for sex. Yes, I said it, because it’s nothing short of hoeing yourself out.  Do you wonder why your daughter is now giving it up for a $25 fill in?  She felt obligated,  because it’s what she’s been taught.

Be the change agent and role model for your children.  Teach them to respect the opposite sex.  talk to them straight up about sex and respecting not only their bodies, but others as well.  They need to know that NO means NO.  Abstinence is not “The SIN!”

The not so funny piece to the puzzle is, when we see our children behaving in disrespectful ways like us,  we are now angry and ready to beat them down.  When the truth is,  they learned it from YOU!

Dysfunctional behaviors are created well before they’re teens, and will follow them into their adult lives.  It’s easy to create them, but like hell to break and redirect. We do have the power to instill positive and strong influence within them.  We have to take our families back!

Terry D.

Open Relationships – “On A Break”


I was watching a talk show, and the subject was, “Open Relationships.” I tried to listen with an open mind, but the more justifications I heard from the Sex Expert,
http://www.bet.com/video/just-keke/2014/exclusives/shannon-t-boodram-breaks-down-open-relationships.html the more I wondered, What the what? Her explanation behind the reasoning of these relationships was, “With there being a new generation, and they don’t stay in anything too long, it’s only natural that they would not commit to a relationship.” Well, what makes it natural to be in an open relationship?  It was, to say the least, disturbing, to hear an “Expert” justify and plant this type of seed into today’s generation. We all see how that worked out for both Dwayne Wade http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20770629,00.html and Ludacris. http://bossip.com/888989/another-year-another-love-child-ludacris-fathered-secret-baby-during-break-from-eudoxie/ They both ended up with babies during their “Break.”

Open Relationship, is just a way of saying, I want to be with you, but everyone else also, and when I’m tired of playing around, we’ll go back to being monogamous. I believe that women have conformed to this foolishness and nonsense, to fool themselves into believing that it’s okay, because otherwise, they might find themselves alone, or if they think that it might be headed in that direction anyway, they propose the concept first. Let’s just stay right there, because essentially, you are alone until they’re done with the other person/people.  Not to say that there aren’t any, but there aren’t a lot of women that are willing to share their man, just to have a piece of one.

Is nothing sacred any longer? Marriage is now a convenience, or maybe even more of a fad, because if it doesn’t work, we can just have an open marriage, and trade up for a better model.

So, we’ve decided to take a break, and now you get to fool around with someone else, and not to mention, you don’t even have enough respect for me and my body, to use protection, which is evident, because you’ve gotten someone else pregnant.

So the expert’s take is, because marriages aren’t working, it’s time to do something different. The different is only going to further drive the divorce rate up, and make young adults think, that commitment is fleeting, which flows into all areas of their lives. She goes on to further compare the younger generation to not keeping jobs long, and the same serves for relationships.

An Open Relationship is just an excuse to cheat. It’s no different than being single. Who wants to be in a relationship, and feel like they’re single?  It’s seems like people who want to be monogamous, are now becoming the minority.

No matter the generation, year or time, morals and values should never be dismissed, and there are so many repercussions for this behavior. I’m not going to play russian roulette with my mental, spiritual or physical well-being.

What are your thoughts?

Terry D.<img src=”https://lovechaptersdotnet.files.wordpress.com

If I Knew Then, What I Know Now…


I wonder if I knew that although you’re a man, but still carry my sometimes loud words of discord and negativity to the core of your heart, and how it emasculated you, would I still be so inconsiderate? If I knew that sometimes, you just need me to listen to you and SHUT UP, you need me to run you some bath water, and let you have a few moments, would I take all your burdens to heart, and leave them where they belong (in the streets), and just love you, even stroke your ego, when needed and let you melt into my arms, lay your head on my breast, take a deep breath and allow us to become one?

You see, I wonder if you knew how many nights I sat up and cried, how many conversations I’ve had with you in the mirror, would you still lie to me, would you still cheat on me, would you still dishonor me, by laying with me, and not only never marry me, but not even love me? If you knew that when we broke up for the 5th time, that along with that went my trust, a piece of me, and with all that, I gained insecurities and probably a few pounds? If you saw your daughter go through this same pain and anguish, would you turn over a new leaf?

Is it too late for me to learn to honor you as a man, and will you now see me in a different light?

If only we could have a day to live inside the heart of the person we love, maybe it would shift the winds of love, and begin to bridge the gaps of divorce, teach us how to appreciate the opposite sex for who they are, and not for who we want them to be. We could be trendsetters for generations of couples to come…

Terry D.

For The Love of The Side Chick


We  have to stop allowing projected imagery to sway our values. It seems that no matter what we believe in, it’s so easily altered by suggestive manipulation through the media.  So much so, that we now have more love for, “The Side Chick,” than we do for the wife. It doesn’t matter if I’ve been cheated on before, because what I know for sure, is that God has promised me a life of abundance, and I will not allow myself, or His promise to be cheapened by a woman “Playing the Role,” of a jumpoff..

People are actually now comparing themselves to adulterers that they see on television, and even going so far as to  enter the “I Am Mary Jane,” contest to prove it. Their confession videos say, “I’m Mary Jane, because I like sex.”  “I’m Mary Jane, because my life is just that messy!”  “I’m Mary Jane, because I can have it all.”  So now they’ve stooped so low as to go and seek out dysfunctional women who say, they can have their cake and eat it too, because they can relate to Mary Jane?  I’m sure we all can relate, but that doesn’t mean, I want that to be the end all, be all for my relationship status.

There are other smaller African American films that portray a little conflict, but shows how to make it work, fight for love, and put in the time.  These shows have no chance of making it onto the big screen, and definitely not becoming a series, because for some reason, common sense, Black Love, monogamy, and clean love are not appealing enough to grab the viewer’s attention.  We are cynical enough to believe that surely this can’t be real, because if we look at all the shows that are inundating the airwaves, they unapologetically  suggest that we are not capable of true love, BUT I refuse to believe the hype, lies and garbage.

So, lets explore a show entitled: He’s Mine, Not Yours –    It’s a short film about a reformed womanizer, who is currently committed to his current girlfriend, but because her girl is telling her that all men are cheaters and dogs, she allows it to get in her mind, and now she bar sceneliterally pays someone to tempt him…  Not only does she hire this beautiful self proclaimed, “Man Stealer,” but she disguises herself, ispyto spy on him, of course, with her girlfriend, who continues to tell her that all men cheat.   You’ll have to watch the movie to see if he gives in or not!  I will say that this man had temptation coming from every end, his boy in his ear, trying to convince him to cheat… Oh yes, it gets good and interesting, but don’t let me spoil it for you, it’s on Netflix right now.

The moral of the story is:  I get that we may be tainted by some failed relationships that either we’ve experienced first hand, or from failed marriages that we witness fall apart in our very own families, but that shouldn’t deter our faith in believing that true love does exist!  You see, this has absolutely nothing to do with cheaters and dogs, but everything to do with it being easier for us to believe a lie, than to stare the truth directly in the eye!  If it’s your fear, face it.  If its insecurities, face them, get help.  If you don’t believe you’re worth it, STOP RIGHT THERE!  Proverbs 31:10 -11 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.…

So what is it that we are doing?  We’re creating our very own generational curses to pass onto our children.  We should not be cheering for the Mary Janes and Olivia Popes.  Do I dislike them as women?  Absolutely not, but that doesn’t  mean I have to support degradation, and nor do I have to force feed it to my daughter.  The dialogue for family values is minimal, but on any given Sunday, Tuesday or Thursday night, social media is flooded with the the opinions of RHOA, Being Mary Jane and Scandal.

As I’m scrolling through my newsfeed, most times I can’t tell if people are talking about people they actually know, or whoever the characters are portraying in these shows.

Bottom line – we have to get it together, stop the foolishness and tend to and nurture our own relationships. We’re so consumed with reality television, or shows that make African American women look so freaking desperate, that we now are happy to be the side chick.  What sort of ignorance is that? Really? The world can only stereotype what is handed to them on a platter.

Terry D.

Let’s Talk Scandal


I know it’s on a brief hiatus, but let’s talk Scandal!  The oh-so addictive Weekly TV Series, with rhimes_primaryalmost 9 million viewers that airs every Thursday night on ABC, written by the brilliant Shonda Rhimes, from my hometown, Chicago, Illinois and Executive Producer of Grey’s Anatomy!

Kerry

Scandal starring, the beautiful, talented, Emmy nominated Actress, Kerry Washington, the public and social media appointed “It Girl,” who plays Olivia Pope, the HEAD Gladiator!  Yes, I know it’s only a TV series, but it can sometimes offer hope to the already delusional group of women who think their lovers will leave their wives.  

The steamy love scenes between Olivia and Fitz Scandal-scene3have the viewers glued to their televisions every week, and without hesitation, rooting for the mistress, and not the wife!  So what is it that makes us root for the mistress? Do we root for her, because she is who she is, because she has a no non-sense attitude, or because we just love the adrenaline we feel, with the suspense and drama of it all?  Married women say they don’t agree, but can’t resist their love for the attraction between Olivia and Fitz; and single women say, the wife is crazy or stupid, because she actually wants Olivia to remain in her husband’s life, so that her husband can stay happy.  I will say that, I believe most people root for Kerry Washington (Olivia Pope), because of her poker face character, her famous line, “It’s handled” and not to mention, her stellar and couture style of dress!   I do often wonder if it were our own husband, would we be so forgiving of the mistress?  It’s funny how we really fool ourselves into thinking this doesn’t affect our personal lives, but when you’re in the salon, or even the barber shop, you hear people comparing people they know who may be the “side chick,” or “jump-off” to the scenes in scandal.    It can be slated as entertainment, but when people want to believe in something bad enough, they begin to imagine themselves as these very characters they see on-screen. If you don’t believe me, why else would women who can’t even afford it, rush out to buy the very clothes we see Olivia Pope, (Kerry Washington) wearing on the show, especially the infamous White Burberry Coat she adorned, that had social media in an uproar, and sold out almost immediately when she herself admits that she doesn’t even wear the clothes you see her in each week?  More than anything, we overlook her affair with the President, and get lost in the power – wanting to encompass her television lifestyle, without regard to the messy and dysfunctional characteristics.  With all her power, intelligence and sought after professional expertise, she has lost all control over her personal life and ability to make sound decisions when it comes to love and relationships.

Media outlets offer suggestive manipulation on a daily basis, and just maybe adults are able to separate what’s going on in this TV series, but what about what’s being suggested to our young women?  Would you want your daughters growing up thinking these behaviors are acceptable?  Regardless of the entertainment, we have to guard our children’s spirits, and not allow them to get entangled in the webs of deceit!  Between the reality shows, videos and shows that glorify adultery, they begin to adopt these same traits, and view them as normal behavior.

My questions:  Can Scandal be viewed as a learning tool for those who may be in these situations?  Should we just look at it as entertainment or do we turn the channel?

Sound off…

Terry D.

Scandal Olivia Pope FashionThe infamous black and white evening gown, and a few styles that have viewers scurrying to the internet to see who the designer is, and how they can purchase them:

Actions Speak Louder Than Words


Actions really do speak louder than words.  You can tell someoneActions-speak-louder-than-Words how you feel about marriage, or even your wish to be in a committed relationship.  You can shout it to the rooftop, but if your actions say different, your words mean absolutely nothing! If you’re not taking time to get to know them, and the panties are on the floor on the 2nd date; okay, maybe even the first, and that’s your choice, but don’t continue to exhibit all the characteristics that don’t say, “I want to be someone’s wife,” and then get mad because he won’t marry you.  You really can’t and don’t have to rush the love that was predestined for you, but you can throw a monkey wrench in it, by trying to fit a square in a circle…

Ask Those Tough Questions!

ask for what you wantWhat do you want in a relationship? Are you God-fearing? There is a difference in attending church, and fearing God! How do you feel about marriage?  Do you have/want children? How do you feel about sex before marriage? Do you believe in monogamy?  You can tap dance around seeking the truth, but it will come out. When you are asking these questions, PAY ATTENTION! “Ask for what you want, and be prepared to get it.” Maya Angelou Don’t half listen, and jump in heart first!  We love to say that God doesn’t answer our prayers, but the truth is, He always answers, you just ignore it, because it’s not the answer you were hoping for.

Stop Jumping In Bed So Soon!

Sex will not land you a husband, but it will get you a few good orgasms, if that’s all you want! Before you even consider being physical with someone, make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. Remember, if the goal is only to sleep with you, the chase becomes more important.  The soul ties and emotional scars can’t just be erased.  Matthew 7:6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

Spend Time Around Family & Friends!

You may very well get the representative, but people often let their guards down around people they’re more familiar with.  You will see if they’re comfortable with showing affection, how they interact, their level of respect.  What are friends and family saying?  Things like: “How’d you finally get this one to settle down?” “You better watch your back.”  “You know he’s not going to marry you right?”  Trust me, the hints and signs are always there.  

Accept Your Findings…

mayaangelouDon’t try to change that person.  You obviously were initially physically attracted to them, but later grew to like them for who they were, not who you want them to be.  Even if you try to change them, it won’t last or work.  You can’t rationalize, change or alter the truth. “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Maya Angelou

When we’ve been out of the loop of dating for a while, we end up allowing our minds to play tricks on us.  We begin to ask ourselves questions like:

  • If I Give Into Sex, It Will Change The Game
  • I Don’t Have A Lot Of Choices
  • Did I Offer A Fair Chance
  • Maybe I Need to Rethink My Standards

One thing I’ve found is that we can’t change what is not meant to be. We may go ahead and enter into a relationship that is not for us, because we feel it’s our only choice, and it’ll all work itself out.

2 Corinthians 6:14  Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Terry D.

Images courtesy of:  www.quotes-lover.com http://www.simplereminders.com

How Did I Survive Life After Heartbreak?


How did I survive life after Heartbreak

I hear my clients say all the time:

  • Maybe I’m not meant to be with anyone
  • I don’t think I can survive another failed relationship
  • At least I have someone
  • What’s wrong with me?

NO NO NO – stop that foolishness

Well, let me tell you:

I dated someone for years that was a compulsive liar, and a repeat offender of cheating.  I continued to forgive him – I know what you’re thinking – who in their right mind would stay with someone like that?  I asked myself the same thing, and thought I would never escape my self doubt and insecurities.  See, it wasn’t him to blame for the madness, it was me for not thinking I could do better, but YES, I survived, and I’m free.  I’m free mentally, physically and emotionally.

I took my power back, and I no longer felt like I had to depend on someone else for my happiness. HA – so guess what?  I win and his loss!

There is life after Heartbreak!

You name it, I’ve been through it, as a lot of us have, but I covered up my insecurities with sex and  loveless relationships!  Judge me if you want, but I feel like someone lifted a mack truck off my heart.  My biggest breakthrough came when I had a complete meltdown in the middle of my bedroom floor.  Crying uncontrollably, and releasing the toxins and stench of deceit.  

After I realized I didn’t love myself enough, I started counseling, I prayed and I finally started confiding in my close friends.  I needed an outlet, and I was no longer going to hold this all in.  To my surprise, there were other women going through, or had been through something similar.

So, for those of you who may be struggling with this same issue, here’s what helped me:

  • I had an accountability partner who I called when I thought I was getting weak
  • I remained in counseling
  • I stayed prayed up

If you don’t seek help, you will continue to repeat and attract the same characteristics in men!

IN BETWEEN THESE STEPS, I CRIED A LOT, SOMETIMES DOUBTED MYSELF & EVEN SLIPPED UP AND CALLED HIM, BUT I DIDN’T GET TOO DOWN ON MYSELF, THAT I COULDN’T RECOVER, GET BACK UP & KEEP IT MOVING…

  • I actually wrote down the things that happened, where it took a turn and why I stayed so long
  • I stayed away from dating until I was healed and able to trust
  • I FORGAVE HIM, AND THEN I FORGAVE MYSELF

Forgiveness was key, but I also had to get to the core of the problem, and why I thought any of this was okay.  Counseling definitely helped me with this, and boy oh boy did I get clarity, and the true healing began…

What was my core problem?  It was the negative seeds mentally planted throughout my life, that I never knew would contribute to my dysfunctional relationship habits.

Terry D.

Don’t Internalize The Pain


thCA4QPVRJWe internalize so many pains, that we learn to deal with it and become WAAAAYYY too familiar with disappointment that it seems like the norm!  I’m sorry, wait a minute – NO I’M NOT!!!!! I won’t apologize for not being a part of that grin and bear it generation!  Somebody, Anybody, EVERYBODY needs to know that I’ve been a damn fool, because when I look like I just might go down that road again, someone can be there to smack some sense into me.

NOW, let’s break this down:

FIRST, you have to know that you have a problem.  You can’t keep making excuses as to why you have broken up and gotten back together with the same person so many times, that everyone STOPS listening.  Yea yea, we know – this is the last time, I’m never talking to him again, and the next week…Let’s just keep it real, the next day, he’s back up in your bed, apologizing, taking you out for a cheeseburger and paying your cell phone bill.  I already know what some of you are thinking!  Cell phone bill?  Yes- cell phone bill, because although you have rent/mortgage, electric bills and taxes, somehow some of you are real proud to brag about getting your cell phone bill paid.  Really?

SECOND, it’s not up to the other person, but for you to start making some changes.  It’s not always something you did, but a lesson that is preparing you for the unknown.  Take some time for yourself, and allow YOU time to heal.  Don’t internalize the pain, and allow it to consume you!  NO – it’s not easy, but doable.  First and foremost, STOP taking the calls, texts, message in a bottle – whatever, just STOP – there’s an APP for that!  

THIRD, don’t sit around trying to figure out who, what, when, where and how. The only thing you need to know is, “What did I contribute to the failure of this relationship?”  Therefore, you won’t carry this into your next relationship! More importantly, be glad God has more sense than we do, and loves us enough, when we don’t know how to love ourselves.  

Trying to get closure, will send you back into that tailspin relationship, because you’ll keep trying to find out from that other person – what went wrong?  Subconsciously, or maybe even consciously, this is another way of holding on. Closure is LETTING GO – point-blank!  If someone doesn’t care about you, they surely don’t give a damn if you get closure.

REMEMBER THIS:  You had an existence before this relationship, and you can exist after it.  This is probably not your first experience with a broken heart, and you didn’t think you’d get through that either, but you did, so you already know you GOT THIS!  It always seems impossible when it first happens!  The other funny thing is, once you do get over it, it’s like someone turned on the light, and you’re like – What the Efff?

thCABZTKPA

Later when you see your ex, you are now wondering – what did I ever see in them…

Terry D.

What’s Holding You from Love? Is it the Pain? The Past? Is it YOU? 


Idealism of love often keeps us from that very thing, because we view it as a fairy tale. BUT, when our dreams of love don’t quite turn out as we’ve always imagined, it not only taints our views, but it leaves a stain in our spirit that makes us question if real love is possible… And everyone that tries to love us, has a higher price to pay than they can afford!

We put so much pressure on the person that wants to love us, because we blindside them by expecting them to live up to a fantasy.  We want them to make up for an absent father, a cheating lover, failed relationships and fill the void of love that we aren’t always capable of even showing to ourselves.

So what’s the point?

Glad you asked… Essentially, we are responsible for our own happiness. We have to take back our power! Take back our hearts!  Not allow our past to be a constant crutch.

 STOP blaming your past, stop holding every single person responsible, because you haven’t let go.  The hard truth is; sometimes we can’t let go, because we don’t believe we can, or it feels comfortable, and better than facing the truth. We become familiar with discontent and pain! Men don’t mind rescuing you, because they like feeling needed, but what they don’t like is to be made to feel like a punching bag, or fighting an uphill internal and unresolved battle!

Love doesn’t look the same for everyone, but you also discover that your failed relationships only mocked love, because your heart is riddled with strongholds that have not been released.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coach Terry D.