Category Archives: Cheating

Why do we stay?


Do we stay in bad relationships, even when it hurts?  I for one, have been involved in a bad relationship in the past, and stayed way too long!  At first, I told myself things would get better, but it never did – the unfaithfulness continued.  There are never any advantages in staying in a loveless or unrewarding relationship.  While I thought I loved him and he me, I came to realize it was a relationship built on lies, physical attraction and convenience.   After a while, it becomes a habit of familiarity.  Point blank, we’re use to being with someone we’re accustomed to, and would rather remain in an unhealthy relationship, rather than be alone, heal and open our hearts to new possibilities.  The longer you remain in bad relationships; it becomes your template and replica for dating. 

After finally ending the relationship, I began to grapple over the rationale of why I stayed so long, but there was no real rhyme or reason.  While I had no justifications, it became real to me that lacking love for ‘you’ can lead to making regrettable decisions, and as a result, remain in emotional, physical and mentally abusive relationships.  Not to mention, it’s not an easy reality to admit that you may not love yourself enough to receive true love. 

I won’t pretend as if it’s easy to walk away, or stop “loving” someone that you’ve spent an inordinate amount of time with, and created soul ties with, but I had to stop making excuses.  I had to take control of my life, ask God to give me the strength to let go and begin the healing process!

A few key tools that was key for my emotional and mental freedom:

I forgave him

Don’t give anyone that kind of power over your life that you hold on to grudges.  It will consume you, and you will never be able to let go, or move on.  You can forgive without being directly involved with someone!  The forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for YOU!

I Ended the “Friendship”

Plain and simple – you can’t be friends with your ex, especially if you haven’t gotten over him.  You will find yourself repeating the same destructive behaviors if you do.

I stopped ALL communication (telephone, email, text, Skype, social media outlets)

I made no more excuses of why I needed to answer his calls, text messages or remain his friend on face book.  It only makes allowance for a slower healing process!

I sought professional help

This is how I was able to identify the root of the problem and be able to approach future circumstances with better clarity.  Until we are able to distinguish why we practice such destructive behavioral conundrums, the cycle will continue.

 We can say, “Just get over it, but it’s not always that simple – it’s a process! 

-Terry D.

The Reality of Reality Shows…


Brawls In Africa! RHOA Season 4 Episode 12 Recap | AskDrO.com.

While I’m sure I’m in the minority when I say, “I’m embarrassed” by the gratuitous and ill-mannered displays of ignorance that recommence on Reality shows that exploit African-Americans. RHWOA, Bad Girls Club, Basketball Wives and Love and Hip Hop, have replaced sitcoms and become as addictive as nicotine.   Why has it become okay to glamorize ignorance?  Once again,  African-American women matching the  bestowed stereotypical loud mouth, materialistic gold diggers; young women who almost compete in exchanging 3, 4 or 5 letter word expletives to up the other and women who accept cheating and adultery – not to mention glamorizing blatant violence.  I know that smut sells, but in the end, you’re just another Reality Show ‘has been’ disappearing into the land of “Who really cares!” 

As I listen to these women brag about their self-proclaimed fabulousity, and countless designer possessions, none of this negates the ignorance shamelessly exhibited from week to week.  None of the labels can replace your integrity.  The actual reality is, we can’t blame anyone for the exploitation, if we sign up for it.  When you’re stripped of the Gucci, Christian Louboutin and Chanel, all that’s left is an empty shell and your 15 seconds of fame.  We all like nice things, but why do they define us, and make us judgmental toward those who don’t have as much as you?  You’re laying claim and proudly fighting over something you’ve hardly earned, but instead pimped yourself out to attain.  It’s the ladies who actually earn their own fame and fortune that rarely validate themselves by their worldly goods.

Our impressionable youth begin to watch these shameful shows and become desensitized to respect. Most of these women (I use the term loosely) have children of their own, but I guess the almighty dollar supersede their children and reputation.  While we had women of character who paved the way for us; we in turn pave a path of destruction for the young women that follow us?  We criticize our youth, but they can only ensue the path that has been instituted.

-Terry D.

Who’s to Blame?


You can’t continue to blame him if you make the decision to stay.  As women, we would like to believe that it’s our civic duty to change a man.  Even when we’ve seen all the signs and then some, we stay with the anticipation that things will get better.  The worse it becomes, the more excuses we formulate instead of accepting the reality.  People change because and when they are ready or want to change.  If someone continues to cheat on you, but you choose to repeatedly forgive them, who’s to blame?  Yes, cheating is wrong, but are you wrong for not leaving?  Stop being an enabler to the habits of infidelity. 

We would like to see the best in others, but don’t stay and begin to compartmentalize and stereotype men, because you choose to STAY!  We begin developing an internal detestation and blame men for all of our problems.  At this point, you’re just as responsible for not being proactive in taking control of your own destiny.  People will only do to you what is allowed.  More often than not, if he has decided to cheat or not commit to you, it’s an intrinsic character flaw, that has little to do with you.

There definitely has to be accountability, but it’s not up to you to make someone be accountable.   You can only choose to walk away and create your own path to happiness, and stop depending on someone else to do it.  When you take pride in yourself, and learn to love you, you can begin to dwell in a place that breeds peace, and all that your heart desires will follow…

-Terry D.

Is social media the cause of relationship riffs?


I am often intrigued by all the relationship riffs and woes I read about on a daily basis.  Couples are not able to friend one another on facebook, or your mate going so far as to hack into your page to spy on your social media activity.  There have been horror stories of creating fictitious profiles, in order to spy.  If we allow social media to be the root cause of our split; it’s more than likely we were already headed for doom in the first place.  There has to be a level of trust established before we ever get to this point.  Passwords shouldn’t be a prerequisite in order to feel secure in a relationship.  Plain and simple, if you’re in a good/great relationship, why are you spending so much time on these social media sites in the first place? 

If you’re checking your mate’s status every hour on the hour to see if they’re behavior is suspicious, let’s be honest, you didn’t need a status update to validate this for you.

The other catalyst to this growing problem is, we have allowed social media to ruin a perfectly good relationship, because we don’t spend enough time with our mates, because even if we’re in their presence, our attention is solely focused on checking our status, tweeting your every move, checking in and the list goes on.  If I’m not interesting and intriguing enough for you, then don’t be with me.    

The most dreaded use of social media is in Church!  Really?  God is not worth a couple of hours of your time.  How do you post that church is, “Off the Chain,” if you’re involved?  Yeah, that’s when you know you’ve gone too far…

Social media is just that.  It can be a great resource, but dont’ let it ruin your relationship with your mate, spouse or God. 

-Terry D.

Is Cheating a learned or taught habit?


I’ve had endless conversations with both men and women on cheating, and it definitely is a button pusher.  I decided to start polling the men first on what their views were on cheating?  It wasn’t even across the board, and was certainly interesting to hear the different points of view from the different age groups.  I polled from the age of 33 – 51.  I found that the younger generation is very vocal and more honest about their views on relationships and cheating.  The younger generation tends to think that cheating is not a taught lesson, but something they just chose to do.  As the age group increased, I found that men were more apt to believe that for the most part, they learned cheating from an early age.  They admitted that most of their family members cheated, so they felt it was ok to do the same.  Others were more honest in also admitting that as they matured, they decided to be more monogamous.  

Some men even went so far as to say, “If she lets me, whey would I not?” 

Like anything else we see in our childhood, as adults we have the power to break these habits, or generational curses as I call them.  In the end, we are all responsible and accountable for our own actions.  In the words of the late MJ, “The Man in the Mirror.”  

Are we creatures of habit, products of our environment, or are they excuses?

-Terry D.