Category Archives: Anger Management

Covid-19 Be Informed, Be Safe, but Not Consumed


In a world of Uncertainty, Mayhem, Fear and Utter Chaos, we should stay informed, but not become consumed and allow this pandemic to make us lose our hope and faith! I’m not making light of this, but half truths and information overload, can leave us depressed and anxious.

Who could have imagined this?

This is just the First Quarter of 2020, and life as we know it has completely been altered! Let’s not allow the opposing team (The Enemy) to get in our heads! Even if this takes us into overtime, we will WIN! While we feel inconvenienced by being ordered to quarantine, think about those who are fighting for their lives! Makes you put things in perspective, right?

  • We have family members that can only rely on third party information about their hospitalized loved ones
  • We have college students that have to postpone their graduations, or even be forced to participate virtually
  • We have weddings being postponed
  • We have High School graduates that may never get to experience the novelty of Prom, not to mention, the uncertainty of graduation dates

Remember when we complained about never having enough hours in the day to get anything done? Now we’re complaining about all of the time we have to do nothing! Don’t take this time for granted. UNPLUG from the news and social media for periods of time, and stay centered in your own peace, and know that this is only a temporary interruption of simple things we take for granted. It may not feel like it, but it could be a blessing in disguise for some.

Most times, our busy lives keep us from having to deal with our reality.

  • A mischievous child
  • A toxic relationship
  • Unfinished projects
  • Internal battles

Find the joy in the little things

It’s time to put things in perspective and prioritize. What lessons can we take away?

  • Have I saved enough money to not have to rely on a bandaid for a gunshot wound? ($1,200 Stimulus Check)
  • Am I using my time to increase my faith and relationship with God
  • Secure more than one stream of income
  • Stop putting off tomorrow, what you can do TODAY
  • Tell your loved ones you love them
  • Don’t take your health for granted
  • Use your time wisely
  • Thrive don’t just survive
  • Appreciate the gift of LIFE and LOVE, and don’t treat your relationships like a chore

It’s my sincere hope that we come out of this; appreciating every breath, not taking our liberties for granted, loving on our families, and LIVING – not just surviving and existing!

Terry D. 💜xoxo💜

Continue reading Covid-19 Be Informed, Be Safe, but Not Consumed

Hiding in Plain Sight


kate

Kate Spade 1962-2018

Have you ever watched someone’s day-to-day routine, and admire their spirit, their grit and their grace? Feels like they’re always on…right?

Well, sometimes it’s because of their journey of blood, sweat and tears, that affords them the peace to exhale and other times, they’re holding their breath, wearing a mask of deception, because of expectations and fear of judgment and disappointment; not only to others, but to themselves! It’s easy to dress up the pain to a world of superficiality and selfishness.

Dying inside, but outside you’re looking fearless. While the tears are rolling down your cheeks, you steady hoping things don’t fall down this week. ‘Cause if it did, you couldn’t take it!

Tupac Shakur

Like any relationship, there is always a sign(s)… it’s important to have someone that listens with their heart. Someone that will allow you to stumble, but won’t let you fall.

Life becomes a blur of conformity, where you feel like a stranger in your own body! When the noise quiets, and the stranger slowly fades in the background, and suddenly reality and YOU come face-to-face. You can’t hide from yourself, because you know the truth. Life has tasked you with a gift that you don’t feel you deserve! It feels natural, BUT…. your gift becomes a mental burden, yet the perfect disguise and coping mechanism, because it allows you to escape the pain and feeling of worthlessness and no sense of purpose, but it’s all only temporary! Your mask is mistaken and brushed off as pride and strength, or even arrogance!

Life is about service, but you can’t always be the one left feeling depleted! It sends you into an overwhelming frenzy of depression, desperation and haste! Self care is essential, and sometimes that means being selfish. If not, after a while, you accept defeat, and live in a fog – waiting to fade away…

CREATE ME MOMENTS… Moments where you don’t give anything to anyone but YOU!

Terry D.

Why Closure Can Help & Hurt


There will be some that will argue the position that it’s almost impossible to transition into your next phase of life without closing the last chapter, and others who will say that closure is absolutely not necessary.

“Not receiving closure is toughest when the breakup is unexpected!”

img_2115If you’re in the majority who absolutely require closure, you should definitely allow some time before that conversation takes place, because if it’s too soon, the wounds are still fresh, and you want resolve, not more fighting and blame. When that conversation does take place, you have to earnestly be prepared for their, “Why!” Even if you don’t agree, it doesn’t make it any less valid.

When you’re the person looking for closure, but the other person has moved on, and you want answers, you may never get that expected apology.  If you were the one dumped, you are more apt to be the one blaming the other person for the failure of the relationship, but when that conversation takes place, you may find they hold you accountable as well, because they now have nothing to lose, so they’re willing to have a no holds barred dialogue.  They may also point out some not so desirable characteristics about you, that should have previously been discussed, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t.  Closure helps, because inherently; when you don’t receive the answers you have already disposed, it creates a sense of insecurity, because it makes you question your worth.

It is my opinion that no matter the explanation, it will not be an acceptable one, but it gives you an opportunity to vent, ask questions and express your frustrations. We can’t force anyone to have that conversation with us, and we certainly can’t expect the person that hurt us, to also help heal us.  It could be as simple as they’re just not into you. There’s no science to handling heartbreak, but time and forgiveness will aid in your road to healing.

It’s difficult to trust when we don’t get closure, and if that’s the case, give yourself time to heal, and be honest with yourself about what you could have done differently, because after you replay the conversation in your head, and you’ve had an opportunity to calm down, you might find some validity in what was said, and this will help you in your growth for your next relationship.

Terry D.

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Is Your Truth Buried in a Lie?


We subconsciously live our lives based on what has been fed into our spirits.

How many of us live our lives based on expectations? It’s not easy to keep up appearances for something that was either taught or mimicked!  Despite how much we fight it, our actions and attitude become a reflection of what’s on the inside.

No matter how many lies we bury, the truth will always rear its ugly head. We have repetitive relational behaviors, and it’s easier to blame others, but the truth is; we came to the relationship with baggage that keeps us from fully emotionally connecting. Yes, it’s true that relationships suffer from lack of communication, finances and infidelity, but how much of this is a learned behavior.  No matter how much you don’t want to believe it, words carry power, and we subconsciously replay them in our heads, and as a result, carry them into our adult lives, and they take on a part of our character.

How many times have you heard?

  • Men don’t cry
  • Do as I say, and not as I do
  • Men don’t express their feelings
  • You’re too young to settle down
  • Don’t worry about what he does, as long as he takes care of home
  • Don’t upset him
  • You’re going to be a player
  • Get your money, if you’re going to sleep with someone
  • Always keep you a spare, because everyone cheats

Seemingly harmless statements prove to be just the opposite.

At some point, we have to take ownership for our baggage and choices.  Our learned behaviors are often passed down from generation to generation, and our dysfunctions img_0504become a normality, because accepting and facing the truth means actually having to be accountable.

If two people have been taught the same dysfunctional behaviors, it’s difficult to find balance.  We fight, we become bitter and we look for a scapegoat.  If we’re blessed enough to have someone that was not taught these same behaviors, we emotionally exhaust them, because we become needy, and they not only become a punching bag, but also an emotional receptacle.

Our emotional health has to be a priority.  It will allow us to heal past wounds, release generational curses and function in relationships without fear or waiting for the ball to drop.  The truth really will make you FREE!  Free to LIVE and LOVE on your terms.

If you want to know how I learned to start living my truth, check out my book, My Truth – https://www.amazon.com/My-Truth-Short-Stories-Pain/dp/1478785225/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1508221603&sr=8-1&keywords=my+truth+terry+connor

Terry D.

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Mo’Nique And Loni Love Have Emotional Reconciliation On ‘The Real’ — HelloBeautiful


Repairing Relationships between US (Black Girls)

Often things are said out of frustration, or without all of the information, but not always with malice.  Do we take the time to repair, or do we just judge and remove ourselves?  Monique was mature enough to go to the source, not spew hatred and spread rumors and allow things to snowball out of control, but to express her disdain and allow healing and restoration.

Consider the one time that you may have said something you didn’t mean, or allowed something that was not meant to be slander, but was taken out of context.

I can completely identify, because I recently had a friendship to almost end.  Not because of anything that was said, but because of our lack of communication.  I thought more of my friendship than I did of my pride.  No one is perfect – not even you…  USE YOUR WORDS – I’m sorry!  I was wrong!  Thank you!  Forgive me! I understand!  I forgive you!  Healing starts with you.

Terry D.

Mo’Nique recently stopped by “The Real” and had an emotional reconciliation with co-host Loni Love. The Almost Christmas actress opened up about a misunderstanding the two had and how they eventually got past it in a healthy and mature way. “The reason Loni and I had to hold onto each other for minute is because we could have experienced a horrible…

via Mo’Nique And Loni Love Have Emotional Reconciliation On ‘The Real’ — HelloBeautiful

I’m NOT Perfect, but I’m Authentically and Unapologetically ME


Nope, I’m not perfect, but I am authentically ME!  

I’ve made so many mistakes in love, life and relationships.  I used to regret my choices, but every single experience was a lesson that shaped me to be ME!  We get so hung up on our past, our mistakes, what others think of us and we don’t forgive ourselves.  God never said that weapons wouldn’t form, He just said they would not prosper.  My purpose is to help others discover their purpose, and to be a tool in their healing and restoration! 

I used to think I wasn’t worthy of someone loving me, because I hadn’t learned my worth, and I didn’t know how to love myself.  I have constantly been judged for my choices, but I had to learn not to internalize it.  It’s easier for others to judge you, and honestly, that’s their problem. 

I openly share my life, love and relationship mistakes, because I had to learn not to be ashamed or a victim.  We all make mistakes, but we all deserve second chances.  

  • When I ended up homeless, I couldn’t understand why?!?!?!?
  • When I stayed in a relationship for almost 14 years, on and off, knowing it wasn’t healthy, I questioned my sanity and worth 
  • When I found myself in a pool of blood with a slit wrist, I thought it was over for me 

In every single circumstance that I just listed above, came some great lessons and blessings!  Sounds crazy, right?

I wrote a proposal to my church for a clothing closet to assist women in shelters, because I was once a recipient, and I wanted to give back, and teach those women that your circumstances don’t define your fate or YOU!

That relationship almost broke me.  I didn’t trust anyone, but I also didn’t give up on love.  I didn’t stop believing in good men, but most importantly, I am now helping others in their journey, and I’m able to share How I Survived!

In the blink of an eye, I saw myself possibly being taken out.  I had to make a decision to change my life, or lose it.  I watched my two children look at me with tears in their eyes, as I was carried out on a stretcher with tubes everywhere, with my hands restrained, so that I wouldn’t hurt myself, and it was in that moment that I knew I had a greater purpose, and that my life was not my own!  I had to pick up the pieces and start being accountable.  

To say the least, none of this was pleasant, but I’ve learned to appreciate that God’s plans are not my plans.  I won’t apologize, because I’m me, and I continue to learn and grow.  

Don’t allow others to hold your past over you.  It was just a test run… 
 
 Terry D. 

EXHALE


breatheWhen do you EXHALE?  Do you hold your breath until you find love, or until it finds you? When the experience of love has broken you so many times, you begin to question its legitimacy.  You wonder if everyone is lying, because all of your encounters with love have left you feeling undesirable, depleted and nothing like what you’ve been shown or told.

Love is real, but for so many men and women, it feels unattainable.  If you question its validity, people question your faith, as if you’re not allowed room for error.  To be completely honest, I’ve struggled with love, and what it means to me, and if I would ever experience it in its entirety.  When I was in my early 20’s, I never had a problem with cutting off someone, and never looking back, but I attribute that to lust and immaturity.  As I got older, I began to experience real love, and it wasn’t as easy to walk away, but eventually after multiple breakups and going more than 12 rounds with the same person, I would let go.  I’m not going to lie and say it was easy, because it was not.  There are many reasons why some stay longer than others.  (i.e. addiction, insecurities)  Yes, you can be addicted to a person, or have an addictive personality.

It’s challenging for some to understand how to EXHALE, how to let go and how to make difficult decisions, whether it be to stay or leave through all the BS, without feeling judged!  Why?  Because they see people not always being honest about their struggles in their own relationships.  We live in a society where marriage equals instant happiness, or single after a certain age, means you’re damaged goods, so FOOLS rush in, without all the facts.

We put unnecessary pressures on ourselves, by trying to live up to a distorted view of reality.  Relationship Coach, Terry D.

If we’re completely honest, we can admit that we ALL have made some bad choices, but that doesn’t mean we’re not worthy, or that we don’t get a second chance.  Yes, we should hold ourselves to higher standards, but not so high, that we don’t forgive ourselves.  So the question is not when do you EXHALE, but How do I EXHALE?  By letting yourself off the hook, taking a deep breath, and accepting the fact that SHIT happens!  Stop worrying about what others think.  You have to free your heart up for love.  Guess what?  You may just make the same mistake again, but you will also now have the previous experience as a reference.  Yes, it’s true, we learn from our mistakes, but it may take more than one, BUT don’t allow others to judge you for your choices.

close your eyesHow do you know if you have EXHALED?  

  • You find yourself no longer holding grudges
  • You don’t keep returning to the scene of the crime (the reason you’re unhappy)
  • You no longer carry the guilt
  • You’re able to freely share your story without being angry
  • You are now considering love again

There’s no formula for love, but the ONE thing you must do is persevere!  The moment you give up, or give into your fears, you have allowed the enemy to win. Relationship Coach, Terry D.

Coach Terry D.