Nope, he didn’t lie, but what you heard, and what you thought you would change, are two different things! Don’t set yourself up for failure! People will tell you the truth several times, in several different ways, exactly who they are, and what they want, but we don’t take it at face value, because they continue to hang out with us, because they know their intentions, and just might not care enough to protect yours. People feel like, if they tell you their intentions, and you stay, you’re good with it.
People change when they’re ready, and for the person who inspires them to. It has nothing to do with you, because regardless of all our efforts to try and make this person see how amazing you are, or how good you can be together, it has to be reciprocated and felt from both ends.
One thing I’ve learned to be a fact is, men and women don’t have to spend an inordinate amount of time together, to evaluate what they want. Women almost know from the first date, if she’s going to sleep with you, and he knows if he values you enough to make you a priority and his only! There aren’t really any gray areas there. Now of course, we continue to grow together and our feelings change, we become more involved, but if we’re completely honest, sometimes you’re just a filler; and its up to you to decide if you’re okay with that…
Yes, in the first season, Mary Jane dated a married man, she slept around, and although in this season; she may still be wrestling and grappling to gain some sense of relationship normalcy, she is still at a crossroad. Let’s not judge, because we all have been there, going through it, or may even be on our way there; or at best, we can say that we’ve had some major relationship deficiencies, at one time or another. So many everyday women, like you and me, not only identify with her, but also have our own demons that keep our hearts hostage to pain and heartbreak!!! We almost begin to believe this is “Our normal!” Mary Jane’s myriad of spiraling emotions are nothing short of what most black women endure in relationships! All we need is a glimpse of hope, and it will keep us emotionally bound and gagged, but it’s that fight that keeps us going, and that same fight makes us lie to all those involved, including ourselves. It is, however, very difficult to keep up the deception, before someone begins to witness us unravel before their very eyes! All of Mary Jane Paul’s relationships seem to border on some form of being dysfunctional. She is the glue that keeps her family together, she has a friend that resents her, therefor; her refuge is sex and alcohol. She feels safe when she has a moment that she is not juggling so many balls in the air, because no one expects that she should ever show any signs of weakness. Does she want more than sex? Absolutely, and so do so many women, but somehow, it all gets lost in the translation of life, what we mistake for love and mediocrity begins to become acceptable. Even in the roughest of times, Mary Jane finds a way to keep her head on straight, long enough to begin saying no to things that aren’t serving her. What keeps us hanging on is addiction – it’s not always love. We can truly become addicted to a person, and like any other addiction, we need HELP to kick the habit! We can’t let go, because we reminisce on what could have been… We don’t delete the text messages, we look at old pics and we insist on closure, just so that we can have an excuse to hold onto false hope. Mary Jane Paul is making decisions that she doesn’t realize are controlled by emotional disparity, and not because of a biological clock, but it’s all a smoke screen that would otherwise force her to face the truth. It’s not an overnight or one size fit all solution. It’s a matter of acknowledgment, accountability and the courage to forgive ourselves and to learn to simply say, “NO!” Soooo, What’s next… Terry D.
How many of us are willing to admit that the failure of love has kept us up at night, or caused us to even cry ourselves to sleep? I have loved and lost, and even swore off love, but then I find myself right back in the trenches of wanting to share my heart with someone else, but often feeling trapped from the fear of losing it again. We’re told that we should love ourselves enough to not allow someone else not to, but it’s not always so easy now is it? We don’t always feel comfortable confessing that we don’t always want to be so strong, but instead, we want to feel sorry for ourselves, just for a moment. Even though it doesn’t solve anything, it’s a temporary satisfaction that helps for now…
In my journey, I find myself meeting others that are ready to explode, because they walk around for years, with bottled up lies of how they really feel when they broke up with someone, afraid to admit that they stayed longer than they should have, or that they even think about getting back with someone that might not be good for them, or maybe have even done it, but feel ashamed to admit this, and is emotionally isolated in their actions, because of their fear of judgment. Some of our behaviors are subconscious, but it will take someone that can identify with you, and be able to accept you for you.
It’s not that we’re not capable of loving ourselves; we just really have to be honest, and accept that we are NOT perfect, and we will not live up to all the pressures that are placed upon us. So damn what if you slip up. You won’t be the first or last. Here’s the thing – the only reason we’re afraid to share our relationship botches, is because the other people you’re talking to, are not always telling you the whole truth either, and we think we’re in this alone, and let’s be honest, people feel better, if it’s not them failing. Sometimes we feel like a loser, when we tell “Our TRUTH!”
Love is not exact, and you may screw it up more than once, and yes you have to learn to love you, but you have to figure out how to do that, and as long as you’re honest with yourself, you will feel less worried about pleasing others, and get back to the business of navigating your own missteps and letting yourself off the hook when it doesn’t go exactly as planned. It doesn’t have to be perfect, you just have to learn to meet others and yourself exactly where you are right now!
In the words of Usher, “These are my confessions.”
Yes, it’s true, loving Me, has not always been easy! I faked my happiness, because I wanted what everyone else told me I was supposed to have, what others may have been pretending to have and what society tells us, we’re incomplete without. Hell, for that matter, I was told that I would never find love by people who loved me, because I either didn’t look the part, or it just would never happen for me. This journey to loving me, has taught me some painful, but valuable lessons. You see, we think we love ourselves, based on shallow and superficial things, but that’s just a mask of deception, that helps us shield ourselves from the truth. If we check our records of love, we can trace a lineage of heartache, that we kept accepting, because it served its purpose at that time. Some we attracted, simply because we needed to feel a semblance of something that mimicked love.
It really is true that hurt people, hurt people. While on your search for love, you attract people who aren’t whole either, and you BOTH hurt one another. We convince ourselves that this person loves us, because our common thread is so familiar, but definitely not healthy.
When I discovered I didn’t love me, I sat in the middle of the floor, and cried for hours. That’s when my journey to discovery of real love began – how to love me, and STOP looking for others to do it for me. Nope, it didn’t magically just happen, but I was more aware of my actions, and what I allowed.
TODAY, I couldn’t be more comfortable with me, and whether it be personal or otherwise, the people and things that attach to me, has to be healthy and of service to my well being. If not, I do know that God doesn’t make mistakes, and I’m able to either help them on their journey, or know when to say, “WHEN!”
When I am asked questions from my clients, or just those who are on their own self discovery love journey, I listen with an open mind and heart, because this is a familiar road that is not easy, and definitely shouldn’t be judged. However, I am honest.
It’s so amazing how open I am to love, although it was the single most difficult thing to trust for years upon years. I still struggle a little, but my faith keeps me, and I see God working through me. I’ve had some near misses, but now it seems that love keeps finding me in every area of my life, and it feels so damn good!
It may not have been easy, but it has actually been worth it, because it was my journey to take… In the words of a woman I admire so very much, my literary giant, “Maya Angelou,” I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now!
1. If you’re single, spend time with family and friends, attend holiday parties, go to church functions and keep yourself busy. Try to focus on all the many blessings that you have, instead of what you don’t have. When we keep our focus positive, and not allow idle minds to become the devil’s workshop, the possibilities are endless, and who knows, maybe the “single” life may be a distant memory.
2. Volunteer your time to those less fortunate, because as we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, there is always someone that is worse off than us. This usually puts things in perspective for us. Count your blessings…
3. I don’t suggest listening to sad music, or watching sad movies. As much as Christmas music and movies can be very heartwarming, they can also be just as depressing, and way too self-reflective on our failed relationships. Songs like, “What do the lonely do at Christmas,” just adds fuel to the fire. I love Christmas movies, but they can offer unrealistic offerings that just further piss you off.
4. What usually helps me is, journaling. No matter how bad it seems, when I can compare and reflect on where I was a year ago, I’m always grateful for my blessings and progression.
5. Last, but not least – OKAY, this is thinking outside the box, but I suggest googling singles groups in your area, because you are never as alone as you think you are. In order to get things you’ve never had, you’ve got to be willing to do things you’ve never done!
REMEMBER THAT FORGIVENESS IS YOUR FREEDOM TO RELEASING YOUR FEAR AND SECURING YOUR FUTURE!
NOW, let’s get started to a happier and healthier holiday season! Even if you feel sad for a moment, just remember, it won’t last forever, and that your future is so much brighter than your past!
Please check out my article, How to Build Better Relationships in The Jet Magazine. Relationships, whether it be personal or professional, can be parallel in their dynamics. Want to read more on how, follow the link below, and check it out. Please rate, share and comment!