Category Archives: Love and Relationships

Empty Love


//www.gooddeedsmovie.com/index.html#/gallery As I sat and watched Tyler Perry’s movie, “Good Deeds,” it started me to thinking about how many of us are in functioning relationships with no real substance, because it looks good on paper, or it’s just what you’ve attuned yourself to.  The relationship portrayed in this movie seemed almost robotic.  They both were very successful individuals that had no genuine quality of life despite their wealth, because it was essentially arranged, and they wanted to save face; which leads me to my point. They had robotic sex, their daily routines became monotonous and he spent endless hours in the office – which screamed unhappiness to me. 

How many of us are in relationships, because we’re afraid of what others will think?  We cheat and rob ourselves and our significant other of happiness when we remain in empty relationships.  It’s like wearing a mask and living a lie that conceals all the pain, deceit and  emptiness.   //www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaO8f_eA4aM&feature=player_embedded  Some couples don’t have the courage or strength to walk away, because of what it might look like to others.  There are real everyday people who live the same pretentious lives, but because of their success and many material acquisitions, we often mistake it for happiness.  The difference between the movie and us, is when they’re done acting, it’s over.  We spend years in these same kinds of relationships, and often not recognizing the dysfunctions ourselves, because the fog of false perception has actually clouded our own realities.  It took another woman to shock the actor (Tyler Perry) in Good Deeds into reality about his fruitless and unrewarding life.

If you’re involved in a pretentious and empty relationship, what will be your moment of reckoning?

-Terry D.

Leasing With an Option to Buy…


My best friend once told me that it doesn’t take men long to decide whether or not they’re feeling you, let alone marry you.  He may not be interested in engaging in a monogamous long-term relationship with you, but won’t turn down the opportunity to lay and play with you in the interim.  He will definitely string you along, and play you like a piano until something better comes along. You can’t make anyone love you, or step up to the plate, but you certainly can love yourself and step off! 

He’s only leasing with an option to buy:

When you purchase a car, you first go shopping for it, and at first sight, your rationale is not so rational, because everything is so shiny and new.  You test drive a few to get a feel for it, and decide whether or not you’re interested.   You may even go to a few dealers, shop for a better deal, weighing all your options, and researching all the fine amenities that come with it or may be optional, because it is a long-term commitment.   

When you opt to lease, you have a little bit more flexibility.  You still make payments, but you don’t own it!  You have the option to trade it in after a couple of years, if you don’t like it, and trade up! 

Test drives are always fun, because you get to sample before you decide to buy!

We were all offended by R. Kelly referring to women as cars, but I guess we now know why.                               

Never make anyone a priority, who makes you an option – Les Brown

-Terry D.

Are you Marriage Material?


To understand marriage in a Godly sense (which is the only way) is to understand the relationship between God and the Church.

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers:  for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?  And what communion hath light with darkness?”  2 Corinthians 6:14

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

 STOP THINKING AND LIVING SINGLE-MINDED AND EXPECT TO ATTRACT A HUSBAND!

 If you say you don’t need a man, guess what, you’re not going to attract or get one…  Most women who say they don’t need or want a man is usually because they’re experiencing a dating drought.  Say what you mean and mean what you say!  When did it become an omen to simply say, “I want a man?”  I’m not saying settle for any ole’ one, but it’s certainly okay to want one.

Are you ready to submit? Ephesians 5:22 – 24 Wives submit to your own husband.

Being submissive is not a bad thing.  It actually will open a door of endless possibilities and communication.  As women, we automatically think it’s a sign of weakness if we are submissive, but it’s a way of honoring your husband and God!

Submission doesn’t mean being a doormat, being mistreated or following a man into sin, and going against the principles of Christ.  If you are being told that you have no say in the marriage, that’s not submission, it’s a form of control and mental/emotional abuse.  You are following his lead as a man of God, and trusting that he will do the right thing.

Are you ready to be ONE? Mark 10: 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one.

Sometimes it’s difficult for us to become one because we’ve become accustomed to being just ‘me.’  In order to consider working marriage into your life, you have to learn to use proper pronouns (we, and not I).  This means in finances, religion, disciplining your children, but more importantly, you’re now one, so others don’t belong in your marriage.

 Are you up for compromise and sacrifice? Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24

 You must remember that the decision is no longer just yours.  There are things that you unequivocally will not be able to do the same as you did as a single woman.  You might have to give up that shopping habit, or even getting  rid of some friends that just may not work into your marriage.  I’m not saying you can’t have friends, but everyone won’t celebrate your happiness!  Surround yourself with couples that are successful in their marriages!  It’s good to experience the positives that certainly come along with Holy Matrimony!

 -Terry D.

Why do we stay?


Do we stay in bad relationships, even when it hurts?  I for one, have been involved in a bad relationship in the past, and stayed way too long!  At first, I told myself things would get better, but it never did – the unfaithfulness continued.  There are never any advantages in staying in a loveless or unrewarding relationship.  While I thought I loved him and he me, I came to realize it was a relationship built on lies, physical attraction and convenience.   After a while, it becomes a habit of familiarity.  Point blank, we’re use to being with someone we’re accustomed to, and would rather remain in an unhealthy relationship, rather than be alone, heal and open our hearts to new possibilities.  The longer you remain in bad relationships; it becomes your template and replica for dating. 

After finally ending the relationship, I began to grapple over the rationale of why I stayed so long, but there was no real rhyme or reason.  While I had no justifications, it became real to me that lacking love for ‘you’ can lead to making regrettable decisions, and as a result, remain in emotional, physical and mentally abusive relationships.  Not to mention, it’s not an easy reality to admit that you may not love yourself enough to receive true love. 

I won’t pretend as if it’s easy to walk away, or stop “loving” someone that you’ve spent an inordinate amount of time with, and created soul ties with, but I had to stop making excuses.  I had to take control of my life, ask God to give me the strength to let go and begin the healing process!

A few key tools that was key for my emotional and mental freedom:

I forgave him

Don’t give anyone that kind of power over your life that you hold on to grudges.  It will consume you, and you will never be able to let go, or move on.  You can forgive without being directly involved with someone!  The forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for YOU!

I Ended the “Friendship”

Plain and simple – you can’t be friends with your ex, especially if you haven’t gotten over him.  You will find yourself repeating the same destructive behaviors if you do.

I stopped ALL communication (telephone, email, text, Skype, social media outlets)

I made no more excuses of why I needed to answer his calls, text messages or remain his friend on face book.  It only makes allowance for a slower healing process!

I sought professional help

This is how I was able to identify the root of the problem and be able to approach future circumstances with better clarity.  Until we are able to distinguish why we practice such destructive behavioral conundrums, the cycle will continue.

 We can say, “Just get over it, but it’s not always that simple – it’s a process! 

-Terry D.

The Reality of Reality Shows…


Brawls In Africa! RHOA Season 4 Episode 12 Recap | AskDrO.com.

While I’m sure I’m in the minority when I say, “I’m embarrassed” by the gratuitous and ill-mannered displays of ignorance that recommence on Reality shows that exploit African-Americans. RHWOA, Bad Girls Club, Basketball Wives and Love and Hip Hop, have replaced sitcoms and become as addictive as nicotine.   Why has it become okay to glamorize ignorance?  Once again,  African-American women matching the  bestowed stereotypical loud mouth, materialistic gold diggers; young women who almost compete in exchanging 3, 4 or 5 letter word expletives to up the other and women who accept cheating and adultery – not to mention glamorizing blatant violence.  I know that smut sells, but in the end, you’re just another Reality Show ‘has been’ disappearing into the land of “Who really cares!” 

As I listen to these women brag about their self-proclaimed fabulousity, and countless designer possessions, none of this negates the ignorance shamelessly exhibited from week to week.  None of the labels can replace your integrity.  The actual reality is, we can’t blame anyone for the exploitation, if we sign up for it.  When you’re stripped of the Gucci, Christian Louboutin and Chanel, all that’s left is an empty shell and your 15 seconds of fame.  We all like nice things, but why do they define us, and make us judgmental toward those who don’t have as much as you?  You’re laying claim and proudly fighting over something you’ve hardly earned, but instead pimped yourself out to attain.  It’s the ladies who actually earn their own fame and fortune that rarely validate themselves by their worldly goods.

Our impressionable youth begin to watch these shameful shows and become desensitized to respect. Most of these women (I use the term loosely) have children of their own, but I guess the almighty dollar supersede their children and reputation.  While we had women of character who paved the way for us; we in turn pave a path of destruction for the young women that follow us?  We criticize our youth, but they can only ensue the path that has been instituted.

-Terry D.

Who’s to Blame?


You can’t continue to blame him if you make the decision to stay.  As women, we would like to believe that it’s our civic duty to change a man.  Even when we’ve seen all the signs and then some, we stay with the anticipation that things will get better.  The worse it becomes, the more excuses we formulate instead of accepting the reality.  People change because and when they are ready or want to change.  If someone continues to cheat on you, but you choose to repeatedly forgive them, who’s to blame?  Yes, cheating is wrong, but are you wrong for not leaving?  Stop being an enabler to the habits of infidelity. 

We would like to see the best in others, but don’t stay and begin to compartmentalize and stereotype men, because you choose to STAY!  We begin developing an internal detestation and blame men for all of our problems.  At this point, you’re just as responsible for not being proactive in taking control of your own destiny.  People will only do to you what is allowed.  More often than not, if he has decided to cheat or not commit to you, it’s an intrinsic character flaw, that has little to do with you.

There definitely has to be accountability, but it’s not up to you to make someone be accountable.   You can only choose to walk away and create your own path to happiness, and stop depending on someone else to do it.  When you take pride in yourself, and learn to love you, you can begin to dwell in a place that breeds peace, and all that your heart desires will follow…

-Terry D.

Interracial marriage in US hits new high: 1 in 12


Interracial marriage in US hits new high: 1 in 12.

I’m perplexed by the range of controversial conversations that continue to center around interracial relationships.  Even in the year 2012, it’s still a button pusher.  As I poll African-American women and men, the conversations instantly heat up.  Most, but not all African-American women are indifferent to interracial relationships, because they feel it lessens their chances at finding a significant other.  On the other hand, are you limiting your own chances at love, if you only want to date one race? African-American men are not as opposed, but say that the moment they see “their” women with a man from another race, it immediately triggers a sense of betrayal. 

The US Census Bureau reports that 17.1% blacks and 9.4% whites who married in 2010 has a spouse of a different race!  Out of 275,500 new interracial marriages in 2010:

  • 43% White – Hispanic
  • 14.4 White – Asian
  • 11.9% White – Black

In all, it goes on to state that 15% of new marriages are interracial, and that African-Americans, the younger generation and higher educated are more likely to marry outside of their race.   Are these statistics indicative that acceptance is more prevalent, or that society has decided not to care what others think when it comes to their personal love life?

Are Americans of any race/culture being criticized and ostracized for their preference to love freely?  It’s almost as if you’re being told that your heart should only love one color.  It is true that you have more in common with your own race, but that’s why the world is made up of so many different people.  It would make for a boring world if we were all the same.

-Terry D.