Category Archives: Love and Relationships

Interracial marriage in US hits new high: 1 in 12

Interracial marriage in US hits new high: 1 in 12.

I’m perplexed by the range of controversial conversations that continue to center around interracial relationships.  Even in the year 2012, it’s still a button pusher.  As I poll African-American women and men, the conversations instantly heat up.  Most, but not all African-American women are indifferent to interracial relationships, because they feel it lessens their chances at finding a significant other.  On the other hand, are you limiting your own chances at love, if you only want to date one race? African-American men are not as opposed, but say that the moment they see “their” women with a man from another race, it immediately triggers a sense of betrayal. 

The US Census Bureau reports that 17.1% blacks and 9.4% whites who married in 2010 has a spouse of a different race!  Out of 275,500 new interracial marriages in 2010:

  • 43% White – Hispanic
  • 14.4 White – Asian
  • 11.9% White – Black

In all, it goes on to state that 15% of new marriages are interracial, and that African-Americans, the younger generation and higher educated are more likely to marry outside of their race.   Are these statistics indicative that acceptance is more prevalent, or that society has decided not to care what others think when it comes to their personal love life?

Are Americans of any race/culture being criticized and ostracized for their preference to love freely?  It’s almost as if you’re being told that your heart should only love one color.  It is true that you have more in common with your own race, but that’s why the world is made up of so many different people.  It would make for a boring world if we were all the same.

-Terry D.

He, She & Them?

STOP STOP STOP involving everyone in your relationship.  Didn’t your mom teach you, “What goes on in this house, stays in this house?”  If you’re having issues, talk to the person you’re having them with.  No one is a better suitor than your mate.  Outsiders are not always optimistic, and immediately begin to judge without ever having the full story.  Why do we take an outsider’s opinion over logic, and what we already know to be true?  No matter the difficulties, we still know the real “Him.”   

As women, we always accuse men of not communicating, and that may sometimes be true, and you may be a great communicator, but if you’re doing it with everyone but him, what good is it?  Once you begin to paint your mate as this deplorable individual, you can’t be upset with others for the way they view and treat him.  Your friends and family will typically take your side and he won’t have a chance in Hell with them.  Now you’ve placed yourself and your relationship in a constant defensive mode.  It’s nobody’s business what goes on in your relationship.   You have to be mature enough to hash it out, even when it’s not pleasant. 

Wo”MAN” up and handle your business!    The way you handle your relationship woes is only a compass for the direction in which your relationship is headed.  When nosy people are poking around in your relationship, you have to quite frankly, SHUT THEM DOWN!  Misery actually does love company, and it’s up to you in which direction you decide to steer your relationship.  If the relationship is worth saving, have some staying power, figure it out  TOGETHER and keep it moving… 

-Terry D.

Woman to Woman

I’ve witnessed the relationships between women today become almost non-existent.  As women, we are equipped with an abundance of strength, tenacity and resilience, but we can’t capitalize off of it, because of our inability to support one another.  When I was growing up, women had their issues, but they were also”Ride or Die.”  What happened to those values? If my mom was in a bind, there were several people she could lean on for support.  When something good happened to them, they gathered at one house, cooked for one another and celebrated. When I was the youngest woman on my job, the older women took me under their wings, and taught me the ropes, but that concept is long gone.  We’re so afraid if we lend any assistance to one another, they might make it before us.  I’ve grappled over many theories, and none of them really made any sense.  One theory that made more sense than others is; the women in the past had limited resources, but they pulled them together and made it work.  With each generation, we’re afforded more resources, but as we attain more, it makes us more selfish.  Our insecurities are completely exposed the moment we feel threatened. 

The very minute we see someone else living their dreams and achieving their goals, the judgment begins.  Who does she think she is?  I can’t stand her, she thinks she’s better than everyone else, she’s so arrogant, but in reality it’s all silent, but mostly very loud ENVY.   Instead of hoping and wishing someone else fails, get to work on your own dreams.  When you are focused on you, it leaves no room for “HATE.”  My mom always taught me that there will always be someone out there better looking than you, more successful than you, but you can only be the best you, you can be.  God has made us all in His image; therefore, no one can take from you what He has for you!

I marvel when I see women doing their thing – it does my heart good, and only encourages me to know that I can do the same.  When you’re able to celebrate another, it only makes room for the blessings that God has already ordained for you.     

For our past teachings, we inhaled the knowledge and are now breathing an air of love, values, morals and power. -Terry D.

If you dig one ditch you better dig two, because the ditch you dig may be for you. -Mahalia Jackson

-Terry D.

It’s Extra if you come with baggage

Yes, it is true… It is extra if you come with baggage. I’m fed up with everyone thinking it’s okay to dump their past baggage on me, and thinking I’m suppose to accept it. If you’re not ready to check your bag at the door, then don’t knock at mine, because I don’t have any extra compartments. We all come with extra baggage and issues, but we have to know which bags are too full.

The cold hard truth is, we empty our bags from a previous relationship, and expect someone else to rifle through and sort out our dirty laundry. Before we decide to involve ourselves with someone else, we have to be fair to them, as well as ourselves and detoxify. If you don’t cleanse your heart, mind and spirit of excess emotional and mental baggage, you repeat the same cycle; because you’re looking for someone to else to do for you, what you’re required to do for yourself. It’s almost like a “curse” that won’t go away, because with each relationship you will add another bag.

Don’t be afraid to get some professional help if you think it’s necessary. We tend to think if we seek help, it’s a sign of weakness but it’s actually empowering, because it allows you to unload all your frustrations, and see yourself through a set of objective eyes.   You have to be open and ready to receive the feedback.   

Every relationship carries its own weight of issues, and if you spend too much time trying to clean up your past, your present will soon be your past as well.

In the words of Erykah Badu, “BAG LADY, YOU GONE HURT YO BACK.”

-Terry D.

Is social media the cause of relationship riffs?

I am often intrigued by all the relationship riffs and woes I read about on a daily basis.  Couples are not able to friend one another on facebook, or your mate going so far as to hack into your page to spy on your social media activity.  There have been horror stories of creating fictitious profiles, in order to spy.  If we allow social media to be the root cause of our split; it’s more than likely we were already headed for doom in the first place.  There has to be a level of trust established before we ever get to this point.  Passwords shouldn’t be a prerequisite in order to feel secure in a relationship.  Plain and simple, if you’re in a good/great relationship, why are you spending so much time on these social media sites in the first place? 

If you’re checking your mate’s status every hour on the hour to see if they’re behavior is suspicious, let’s be honest, you didn’t need a status update to validate this for you.

The other catalyst to this growing problem is, we have allowed social media to ruin a perfectly good relationship, because we don’t spend enough time with our mates, because even if we’re in their presence, our attention is solely focused on checking our status, tweeting your every move, checking in and the list goes on.  If I’m not interesting and intriguing enough for you, then don’t be with me.    

The most dreaded use of social media is in Church!  Really?  God is not worth a couple of hours of your time.  How do you post that church is, “Off the Chain,” if you’re involved?  Yeah, that’s when you know you’ve gone too far…

Social media is just that.  It can be a great resource, but dont’ let it ruin your relationship with your mate, spouse or God. 

-Terry D.

Is Cheating a learned or taught habit?

I’ve had endless conversations with both men and women on cheating, and it definitely is a button pusher.  I decided to start polling the men first on what their views were on cheating?  It wasn’t even across the board, and was certainly interesting to hear the different points of view from the different age groups.  I polled from the age of 33 – 51.  I found that the younger generation is very vocal and more honest about their views on relationships and cheating.  The younger generation tends to think that cheating is not a taught lesson, but something they just chose to do.  As the age group increased, I found that men were more apt to believe that for the most part, they learned cheating from an early age.  They admitted that most of their family members cheated, so they felt it was ok to do the same.  Others were more honest in also admitting that as they matured, they decided to be more monogamous.  

Some men even went so far as to say, “If she lets me, whey would I not?” 

Like anything else we see in our childhood, as adults we have the power to break these habits, or generational curses as I call them.  In the end, we are all responsible and accountable for our own actions.  In the words of the late MJ, “The Man in the Mirror.”  

Are we creatures of habit, products of our environment, or are they excuses?

-Terry D.