Category Archives: Men & Love

Blogging, Breakups, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Love and Relationships, Men & Love, Single Ladies, Single Men, Singles, Unhealthy Relationships

What’s Wrong With Me?

Leave a comment

IMG_2361

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I find true love? Why does it seem like it’ll never happen for me, and what am I doing wrong? I see everyone else prospering in love, but I feel so hopeless…

  • There’s nothing wrong with you, you just have to be true to you, and not be a repetitive lover.  What does that mean? Evaluate what has NOT worked for you, and do the polar opposite.
  • You can’t find love, because you’re looking!  STOP chasing love.  It will come to you! Timing is everything.  We become impatient, and take matters into our own hands.  God has a plan for us, and if we’re honest, we haven’t done a great job so far.
  • We focus so much on what others have, and lose sight of what we actually have ourselves. People only let you see what they want – you can’t judge a book by its cover, and your love is yours to experience…

We want love, but when it comes to sticking to our guns, we lose all sense of self.  I know it’s been a while, but that doesn’t mean to lose your values, panties and mind, as soon as someone gives you a little attention.  There is actually someone that will give you exactly what you want, but you have to stand firm on what you want and believe.  Trust what you have to offer, and it will speak for itself, and attract the same.

I’m guilty too, and here’s what I’ve learned:

  1. No matter how much you give of yourself, if that person isn’t ready, it won’t work.
  2. It only makes you question love, relationships and your ability to make sound decisions.
  3. It makes you bitter!
  4. You end up in multiple, unstable and dead end relationships.
  5. You create soul ties that are hard to break.

If you want a man that’s a Christian, don’t kick it at clubs every weekend, and don’t fall for, “I don’t go like I should.”  This is an excuse and evasive of the truth.

If you want the love you truly deserve, start standing up for you, stop lying about what you want, and that person will love you and won’t blink or think twice about answering the call!

Terry D. ❤️

Blogging, Breakups, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Dreams and Visions, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Singles, Unhealthy Relationships

He Didn’t Lie to You – You Chose Not to Listen

Leave a comment

 

Nope, he didn’t lie, but what you heard, and what you thought you would change, are two different things!  Don’t set yourself up for failure! People will tell you the truth several times, in several different ways, exactly who they are, and what they want, but we don’t take it at face value, because they continue to hang  out with us, because they know their intentions, and just might not care enough to protect yours.  People feel like, if they tell you their intentions, and you stay, you’re good with it.  

People change when they’re ready, and for the person who inspires them to.  It has nothing to do with you, because regardless of all our efforts to try and make this person see how amazing you are, or how good you can be together, it has to be reciprocated and felt from both ends.  

One thing I’ve learned to be a fact is, men and women don’t have to spend an inordinate amount of time together, to evaluate what they want.  Women almost know from the first date, if she’s going to sleep with you, and he knows if he values you enough to make you a priority and his only!  There aren’t really any gray areas there.  Now of course, we continue to grow together and our feelings change, we become more involved, but if we’re completely honest, sometimes you’re just a filler; and its up to you to decide if you’re okay with that…

Terry D.

Anger Management, Blogging, Breakups, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Dreams and Visions, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Singles, Unhealthy Relationships

Being Mary Jane – Seasons

2 Comments

IMG_1720       Yes, in the first married manseason, Mary Jane dated a married man, she slept around, and although  in this season; she may still be wrestling and grappling to gain some sense of relationship normalcy, she is still at a crossroad.  Let’s not judge, because we all have been there, going through it, or may even be on our way there; or at best, we can say that we’ve had some major relationship deficiencies, at one time or another.   So many everyday women, like you and me, not only identify with her, but also have our own demons that keep our hearts hostage to pain and heartbreak!!! We almost begin to believe this is “Our normal!” Mary Jane’s myriad of spiraling emotions are nothing short of what most black women endure in relationships!  All we need is a glimpse of hope, and it will keep us emotionally bound and gagged, but it’s that fight that keeps us going, and that same fight makes us lie to all those involved, including ourselves.  It is, however, very difficult to keep up the deception, before someone begins to witness us unravel before their very eyes! IMG_1702All of Mary Jane Paul’s relationships seem to border on some form of being dysfunctional.  She is the glue that keeps her family together, she has a friend that resents her, therefor; her refuge is sex and alcohol. She feels safe when she has a moment that she is not juggling so many balls in the air, because no one expects that she should ever show any signs of weakness.  Does she want more than sex? Absolutely, and so do so many women, but somehow, it all gets lost in the translation of life, what we mistake for love and mediocrity begins to become acceptable.  Even in the roughest of times, Mary Jane finds a way to keep her head on straight, long enough to begin saying no to things that aren’t serving her. cell phoneWhat keeps us hanging on is addiction – it’s not always love.  We can truly become addicted to a person, and like any other addiction, we need HELP to kick the habit!  We can’t let go, because we reminisce on what could have been… We don’t delete the text messages, we look at old pics and we insist on closure, just so that we can have an excuse to hold onto false hope. Mary Jane Paul is making decisions that she doesn’t realize are controlled by emotional disparity, and not because of a biological clock, but it’s all a smoke screen that would otherwise force her to face the truth.  It’s not an overnight or one size fit all solution. It’s a matter of  acknowledgment, accountability and the courage to forgive ourselves and to learn to simply say, “NO!” Soooo, What’s next…Season 3   Terry D.

Anger Management, Blogging, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Singles, Unhealthy Relationships

Beneath the Surface ( Joy & Pain)

Leave a comment

IMG_1136You think she’s bitter, but she’s broken from being deceived and lied to for so long. Look beneath the surface! It’s not you she’s upset with, and maybe she just hasn’t figured out how to make sense of it all, but she may just need your patience and gentleness. If you think about it, you haven’t always been where you are either, but someone else may not have had patience with you.  It was for a reason, not a lifetime – so that you’re able to be with someone who understands you, and it may not be as easy to obtain, but it will be worth it. Don’t give up! She needs to know that you’re not like the rest. Often times, the one that thinks they’re saving someone, needs to be saved also, but they don’t know that until it actually happens.

The 3 things that you need to do to hold on:

1. Trust the God in you, and share your own fears and insecurities.IMG_1137 There’s something about knowing that you can relate to one another, and don’t mind showing your vulnerability.

2. Keep sex out of it, until you’ve established trust. It only clouds your judgement, and places you back at square one.

3. Love her through and out of the pain.

This is both your opportunities to learn to love again, set your own rules and put the past behind you!

Terry D.

 

 

 

Anger Management, Blogging, Breakups, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Dreams and Visions, Love and Relationships, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Singles, Unhealthy Relationships

These Are My Confessions

3 Comments

these are my confessionsHow many of us are willing to admit that the failure of love has kept us up at night, or caused us to even cry ourselves to sleep?  I have loved and lost, and even swore off love, but then I find myself right back in the trenches of wanting to share my heart with someone else, but often feeling trapped from the fear of losing it again.  We’re told that we should love ourselves enough to not allow someone else not to, but it’s not always so easy now is it?  We don’t always feel comfortable confessing that we don’t always want to be so strong, but instead, we want to feel sorry for ourselves, just for a moment.   Even though it doesn’t solve anything, it’s a temporary satisfaction that helps for now…

In my journey, I find myself meeting others that are ready to bandaged heartexplode, because they walk around for years, with bottled up lies of how they really feel when they broke up with someone, afraid to admit that they stayed longer than they should have, or that they even think about getting back with someone that might not be good for them, or maybe have even done it, but feel ashamed to admit this, and is emotionally isolated in their actions, because of their fear of judgment.    Some of our behaviors are subconscious, but it will take someone that can identify with you, and be able to accept you for you.

It’s not that we’re not capable of loving ourselves; we just really have to be honest, and accept that we are NOT perfect, and we will not live up to all the pressures that are placed upon us.  So damn what if you slip up.  You won’t be the first or last.  Here’s the thing – the only reason we’re afraid to share our relationship botches, is because the other people you’re talking to, are not always telling you the whole truth either, and we think we’re in this alone, and let’s be honest, people feel better, if it’s not them failing.  Sometimes we feel like a loser, when we tell “Our TRUTH!”

Love is not exact, and you may screw it up more than once, and yes you have to learn to love you, but you have to figure out how to do that, and as long as you’re honest with yourself, you will feel less worried about pleasing others, and get back to the business of navigating your own missteps and letting yourself off the hook when it doesn’t go exactly as planned.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, you just have to learn to meet others and yourself exactly where you are right now!

In the words of Usher, “These are my confessions.”

Terry D.

Blogging, Breakups, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Dreams and Visions, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Singles, Unhealthy Relationships

Loving Me, Ain’t Always Been Easy

5 Comments

Terry D.Yes, it’s true, loving Me, has not always been easy! I faked my happiness, because I wanted what everyone else told me I was supposed to have, what others may have been pretending to have and what society tells us, we’re incomplete without. Hell, for that matter, I was told that I would never find love by people who loved me, because I either didn’t look the part, or it just would never happen for me. This journey to loving me, has taught me some painful, but valuable lessons. You see, we think we love ourselves, based on shallow and superficial things, but that’s just a mask of deception, that helps us shield ourselves from the truth. If we check our records of love, we can trace a lineage of heartache, that we kept accepting, because it served its purpose at that time. Some we attracted, simply because we needed to feel a semblance of something that mimicked love.

It really is true that hurt people, hurt people. While on your search for love, you attract people who aren’t whole either, and you BOTH hurt one another.  We convince ourselves that this person loves us, because our common thread is so familiar, but definitely not healthy.

When I discovered I didn’t love me, I sat in the middle of the floor, and cried for hours. That’s when my journey to discovery of real love began – how to love me, and STOP looking for others to do it for me. Nope, it didn’t magically just happen, but I was more aware of my actions, and what I allowed.

TODAY, I couldn’t be more comfortable with me, and whether it be personal or otherwise, the people and things that attach to me, has to be healthy and of service to my well being. If not, I do know that God doesn’t make mistakes, and I’m able to either help them on their journey, or know when to say, “WHEN!”

When I am asked questions from my clients, or just those who are on their own self discovery love journey, I listen with an open mind and heart, because this is a familiar road that is not easy, and definitely shouldn’t be judged. However, I am honest.

It’s so amazing how open I am to love, although it was the single most difficult thing to trust for years upon years. I still struggle a little, but my faith keeps me, and I see God working through me. I’ve had some near misses, but now it seems that love keeps finding me in every area of my life, and it feels so damn good!

It may not have been easy, but it has actually been worth it, because it was my journey to take… In the words of a woman I admire so very much, my literary giant, “Maya Angelou,” I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now!

Terry D.

Conflict Resolution, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy

Are You a Wife with Benefits?

2 Comments

I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man! Because I’m a WOMAN!  You remember the Enjoli commercial

PleasingherrszI hear so many women say what they wouldn’t do just because a man says he likes it. i.e. haircut, certain color lipstick. Well, now maybe that’s why you may not have a man, or can’t keep one. What’s so wrong with wanting to look good for your significant other?  Instead, because it makes us feel like we’re being weak, we do the complete opposite. That’s where we completely throw out the notion of compromise. We always say that men aren’t as complicated as us, and to me the simple things are an easy fix. Don’t be afraid to put in the extra work and effort.

“My wife only wears makeup when I’m around because she knows I like it.” -Jerry T. He also said that it makes him want to give her the world, because she cares enough to do something she wouldn’t normally do.

YOU KNOW HOW THERE ARE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS? BE A SPOUSE WITH BENEFITS!

I had a conversation with a friend, and she shared some of the things that her husband expressed that he liked about her, and she made it happen.  She said,

“I certainly don’t do it for me, but I noticed the difference in his reaction to me, when I started doing some of the things he said he likes.” Anonymous

When we wanted to get them, we pulled out all the stops, but then we just STOP! Where/how does that make sense? When I used to tell my boyfriend that I liked his cologne, he was giddy, and when I saw him, he would have that cologne on. He knew how to dress, but considered my feelings enough to ask me what color suit he should  wear, or what color tie. These are the things that keep us interested and excited about one another. There is nothing wrong with submitting to your husband/wife. Stop trying to prove a point, because it will get you no where, but back to a single status real fast. When someone knows that you not only value their opinion, but you’re willing to go out of your way to oblige them, the possibilities are endless.

Why do we insist on making things harder than they have to be? I’m sorry, but some things are just not rocket science, and I don’t want to go through life upset and disgruntled. We complain about so many things in our relationships, and when you have simple solutions, why not just do it!  The truth is, we do those little things for him, but just don’t want him to know that.  Why play games? Let him know that you value his opinion…

Terry D.

Anger Management, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Dreams and Visions, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Parenting, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Single Mothers, Unhealthy Relationships

Are We Grooming Our Black Sons & Daughters For Marriage?

Leave a comment

familyAs a culture,  we don’t groom our children for family and marriage. Just because marriage may not have worked out for you, or you never walked down the aisle, doesn’t mean you taint the views of marriage to your children. We should always want more for them, than we had/have.

Things we shouldn’t be saying to them:
1. All men are dogs (Lack of Trust)
2. Make sure you get paid first (Soft Prostitution)
3. Women will use you (Lack of trust)
4. You’re a player, don’t get trapped by one woman (Womanizer)
5. Keep her in her place (Promotes abuse)

Our habits, good or bad, are mimicked  by our offsprings, and if they see us as women, disrespecting the man in the house, it teaches our daughters not to respect her husband,  and our sons to either be doormats or even abusive, because of resentment.  We don’t like to use the word roles, until it applies to the heavy lifting responsibilities,  like certain chores or finances.  I like being a lady, I like feeling safe, I like handing over certain things to him, I like him walking on the outside  of me, opening my door. See that’s his “Role.”  Yes, there is a surge of single parents, so it becomes second nature to just do things for yourself.   It’s not a sign of weakness, if you relinquish carrying  out the garbage, or changing a lock.  It does take some getting used to.  These are all the dysfunctional behaviors we subconsciously  teach ourselves and our children, and before you know it, your daughter is saying, “I don’t need a man to take care of me.”  In all reality, it feels good to have the option, but when all you’ve seen is Mama doing it for herself, it just seems natural to adopt the same feelings.  I talk a lot about generational curses, because it’s the very thing that is tearing the black family apart.

Groom your son for marriage. Don’t teach him to be a player, by telling him at the age of 2, that he’s a pimp, he will be a heart breaker and all the girls are going to love him.  Planting seeds of womanizing is dangerous.  If you’re a man who likes  a lot of women,  and you flaunt this in front of both your daughter and son, she will think it’s okay for a man to cheat, and your son will admire your slick ways, and soon mirror them.

Ladies, please stop bringing every Tom, Dick and Harry around your children.  Especially  your daughter.  We can teach our daughters to respect themselves, by how we dress and how we conduct ourselves. Stop looking for a man to pay you for sex. Yes, I said it, because it’s nothing short of hoeing yourself out.  Do you wonder why your daughter is now giving it up for a $25 fill in?  She felt obligated,  because it’s what she’s been taught.

Be the change agent and role model for your children.  Teach them to respect the opposite sex.  talk to them straight up about sex and respecting not only their bodies, but others as well.  They need to know that NO means NO.  Abstinence is not “The SIN!”

The not so funny piece to the puzzle is, when we see our children behaving in disrespectful ways like us,  we are now angry and ready to beat them down.  When the truth is,  they learned it from YOU!

Dysfunctional behaviors are created well before they’re teens, and will follow them into their adult lives.  It’s easy to create them, but like hell to break and redirect. We do have the power to instill positive and strong influence within them.  We have to take our families back!

Terry D.

Blogging, Conflict Resolution, Dreams and Visions, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Unhealthy Relationships

The Comfort of a Touch

1 Comment

It’s not always easy to admit that we enjoy the comfort of a touch. intimacy It’s not always about sex, but just that touch.  When you have been  single for so long, and you finally start dating again, and that first hug, that first kiss, is what makes you exhale, like a sigh of relief.  Almost as if you melt into that person’s arms, and sometimes we do get it confused with the sex, because it’s been such a long time, and one thing leads to another, and there you are, with regrets, because all you really wanted was to feel the touch of that man or woman.  There is no turning back now, because you can’t quite figure out how to explain it to the other person, because you don’t even know how to explain it to yourself, or how you even arrived at this place.

How do you figure this out, without offending the other person?  What if they were in the same place, and didn’t know how to talk to you about it also?  You sort through your words, and you start the conversation, but tread lightly, because it can leave a person feeling used, or it can make them turn to only wanting sex with you.  You can start off by telling them that you really enjoyed the moment you shared, but not sure that you want to have a physical relationship, and that you know from experience, that how you start, is how you finish.  Sure, there are rare occasions, where it doesn’t always end this way, but because you like them, you would like to take a step back, and really get to know them on a different level.  All you can do, is hope that they are on the same page, or at least that they care enough to relate.  This is a touchy conversation, and can go either way.

I’ve learned through some lost relationships and lessons, that if you really want something with someone, you will hold off on having sex.  Yes, I know that sex should be after marriage, but that’s not always the case, so I like to make sure that I’m covering all bases.  See, when you’ve met that special someone, they will be willing to take the scenic route.  That’s not to say that they don’t desire you, but it’s just not the #1 priority.  When you bond with someone on a different level, and you can be friends, laugh with and at one another, share stories that you may have never shared with anyone else and build trust, everything else is a slam dunk.

I’ll share an inside story:  I remember when I was in my early 20’s and I met a gentleman 15 years my senior.  We met, bonded and he showed me the world through his eyes.  It was such an experience and eye opener to life and love; and sex had not even entered into the picture.  We spent almost every night together.  When we finally became intimate, it wasn’t the adrenaline that you’re used to, but it was mind blowing to me, because the bond had already been created, and I’m pretty sure that neither of us could do no wrong.

Take your time to get to know someone, and never think that sex can keep them, because if they’re not into you, it really doesn’t matter how you start or finish, but at least you know you kept your character and values in tact.

Terry D.