Category Archives: Men & Love

6 Steps to Healthy and HOT Love 


We grow apart because we’ve changed since we first met, but we still have the same expectations, yet our goals and needs are different.  Coach Terry D.

  1. Start with you – Sacrificing time to spend with yourself. (Make this non-negotiable) When you’re clear of frustrations and worrying about your next move, it gives you time to FOCUS on RIGHT now!!! You’re now able to give the necessary attention to your relationship.
  2. Remove distractions and unhealthy people.  Three’s a crowd, and unwanted interference does nothing but create dissension, tension and create high levels of unwarranted stress! Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Mark 10:9  It’s not easy to walk away from unhealthy people or things, but it is very necessary.  Until we release dead weight, we don’t always realize how much it has affected the health of our relationships.
  3. Talk  to one another, and be present!  I know women talk more than men, but take this time to really talk and listen with your heart, and not just your ears.  Ladies, that doesn’t mean go on a rant – know when to say, “When!”  Sometimes we live with someone, day in and day out, and have no idea what they do or go through everyday.  You appreciate your mate more, when you know what they’re dealing with.  It changes the way you react to one another, and it makes you be more understanding of their moods – good or bad.  Sexting is a great way of communicating with your mate, and will increase their anticipation and urgency to get home to you.
  4. If you want a healthier relationship, and you want to make changes, include your mate!  This is a team effort.  Your time together doesn’t include phones, social media or television.  Reacquaint yourselves.  We grow apart because we’ve changed since we first met, but we still have the same expectations, yet our goals and needs are different.
  5. Date one another.  Don’t take for granted that just because you’ve been together a couple-cooking-pfwhile, that it’s a slam dunk.  Make sure you always remember to greet one another with a kiss.  The sizzle will fizzle, if you’re not putting in the work to keep your relationship relevant.  Cook together, bathe together, play twister together! (You won’t finish.  Thank me later) If you’re not a creative person, Google ideas, but make it happen!  Do A Sexy Dance for Him
  6. For the love all things sensual, don’t make sex boring and monotonous. Don’t stop making love, and make it interesting.  It’s not always about the position, but the imagination and creativity.  Quality over Quantity.  Role play, and know when it’s time to make love and when it’s time to GET IT IN!  This will take your sex life to the next level, and create a renewed sense of intimacy!

Love you | Remove Dead Weight | Talk | You’re a Team | Date | Make Love & Keep it HOT

DSC_1102Coach Terry D.

EXHALE


breatheWhen do you EXHALE?  Do you hold your breath until you find love, or until it finds you? When the experience of love has broken you so many times, you begin to question its legitimacy.  You wonder if everyone is lying, because all of your encounters with love have left you feeling undesirable, depleted and nothing like what you’ve been shown or told.

Love is real, but for so many men and women, it feels unattainable.  If you question its validity, people question your faith, as if you’re not allowed room for error.  To be completely honest, I’ve struggled with love, and what it means to me, and if I would ever experience it in its entirety.  When I was in my early 20’s, I never had a problem with cutting off someone, and never looking back, but I attribute that to lust and immaturity.  As I got older, I began to experience real love, and it wasn’t as easy to walk away, but eventually after multiple breakups and going more than 12 rounds with the same person, I would let go.  I’m not going to lie and say it was easy, because it was not.  There are many reasons why some stay longer than others.  (i.e. addiction, insecurities)  Yes, you can be addicted to a person, or have an addictive personality.

It’s challenging for some to understand how to EXHALE, how to let go and how to make difficult decisions, whether it be to stay or leave through all the BS, without feeling judged!  Why?  Because they see people not always being honest about their struggles in their own relationships.  We live in a society where marriage equals instant happiness, or single after a certain age, means you’re damaged goods, so FOOLS rush in, without all the facts.

We put unnecessary pressures on ourselves, by trying to live up to a distorted view of reality.  Relationship Coach, Terry D.

If we’re completely honest, we can admit that we ALL have made some bad choices, but that doesn’t mean we’re not worthy, or that we don’t get a second chance.  Yes, we should hold ourselves to higher standards, but not so high, that we don’t forgive ourselves.  So the question is not when do you EXHALE, but How do I EXHALE?  By letting yourself off the hook, taking a deep breath, and accepting the fact that SHIT happens!  Stop worrying about what others think.  You have to free your heart up for love.  Guess what?  You may just make the same mistake again, but you will also now have the previous experience as a reference.  Yes, it’s true, we learn from our mistakes, but it may take more than one, BUT don’t allow others to judge you for your choices.

close your eyesHow do you know if you have EXHALED?  

  • You find yourself no longer holding grudges
  • You don’t keep returning to the scene of the crime (the reason you’re unhappy)
  • You no longer carry the guilt
  • You’re able to freely share your story without being angry
  • You are now considering love again

There’s no formula for love, but the ONE thing you must do is persevere!  The moment you give up, or give into your fears, you have allowed the enemy to win. Relationship Coach, Terry D.

Coach Terry D.

Don’t Believe the Hype – Black Women Are NOT Doomed When It Comes to Marriage


There has been a great deal of stories looming about Black Women and their singleness, or lack of chances to get married.  An African-American Author, Ralph Richard Banks wrote a book entitled, Is Marriage for White People? :  How the African-American Marriage Decline affects everyone.  In this non-fiction book, he writes, “Single is the new black!”  He also recommends that African-American women open themselves up to be willing to enter serious relationships with men of other races and backgrounds, and he argues this will improve black men and women alike.  Needless to say, the African-American community strongly disagrees, but there are some that would argue this same case.  There are statistics out there that say that 42.4 % of African-American Women will not get married, which is from an old US, Census.   In 2014 the US Census Bureau cited; 86% of 2014-Marriage-Chart
Black Men have a Black Wife, and 94% Black Women have a Black Husband.

We also have a video circulating, The Myth of the Single Black Female, which gives you an insight into how the media has spread this information for years, and how we as blacks are accepting this as our truth.  The disparity in the numbers are alarming.  WHO ARE THEY TALKING TO?

It seems to me that the more educated African-American men and women are, the more attractive and accepted they are to other races, even in the case of them not intellectually measuring up themselves.  As blacks, we have begun to feed into these fallacies and consider other races as a prize, and the more we attain, the further away we move away from our own men and women.  We expect more and place more stipulations on black men and women that we date, than we do on non-blacks.  We have to be a certain kind of dresser, we have to look a certain way, our hair has to be a certain way, and even after all these years, we still are battling color lines within our own race.  The Light vs. Dark!  That is a stigma that goes back to slavery days, where the light were allowed in the house, while the dark had to stay outside.

The problem lies within our own issues within our culture.  Our inability to identify what we lack, and that it is not as complicated as others would have us to think.  As long as someone can plant a seed of negativity, and make Black Women Believe That It’s Time to Give Up on Black Men is misguided and disrespectful.

None of this is to suggest that there is a problem with interracial relationships in the least bit, but it does raise the question, of why we’re led to believe that within our own community, that we believe it’s okay to mistreat black men and women, or judge them, just because you choose not to be with them.  It creates a form of dissension and resentment.  Your mother, sister, aunt and not to mention, your daughters are watching and taking notes.

African American Couples who are making it work, despite the statistics and stereotypes:

Jada & Will Smith will and jada

President Obama & First Lady Michelle Obama barack-and-michelle-obama-danceing

What are your thoughts?

Coach Terry D.

What’s Wrong With Me?


IMG_2361

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I find true love? Why does it seem like it’ll never happen for me, and what am I doing wrong? I see everyone else prospering in love, but I feel so hopeless…

  • There’s nothing wrong with you, you just have to be true to you, and not be a repetitive lover.  What does that mean? Evaluate what has NOT worked for you, and do the polar opposite.
  • You can’t find love, because you’re looking!  STOP chasing love.  It will come to you! Timing is everything.  We become impatient, and take matters into our own hands.  God has a plan for us, and if we’re honest, we haven’t done a great job so far.
  • We focus so much on what others have, and lose sight of what we actually have ourselves. People only let you see what they want – you can’t judge a book by its cover, and your love is yours to experience…

We want love, but when it comes to sticking to our guns, we lose all sense of self.  I know it’s been a while, but that doesn’t mean to lose your values, panties and mind, as soon as someone gives you a little attention.  There is actually someone that will give you exactly what you want, but you have to stand firm on what you want and believe.  Trust what you have to offer, and it will speak for itself, and attract the same.

I’m guilty too, and here’s what I’ve learned:

  1. No matter how much you give of yourself, if that person isn’t ready, it won’t work.
  2. It only makes you question love, relationships and your ability to make sound decisions.
  3. It makes you bitter!
  4. You end up in multiple, unstable and dead end relationships.
  5. You create soul ties that are hard to break.

If you want a man that’s a Christian, don’t kick it at clubs every weekend, and don’t fall for, “I don’t go like I should.”  This is an excuse and evasive of the truth.

If you want the love you truly deserve, start standing up for you, stop lying about what you want, and that person will love you and won’t blink or think twice about answering the call!

Terry D. ❤️

It’s a Process,  but It’s YOUR Journey


  

He Didn’t Lie to You – You Chose Not to Listen


 

Nope, he didn’t lie, but what you heard, and what you thought you would change, are two different things!  Don’t set yourself up for failure! People will tell you the truth several times, in several different ways, exactly who they are, and what they want, but we don’t take it at face value, because they continue to hang  out with us, because they know their intentions, and just might not care enough to protect yours.  People feel like, if they tell you their intentions, and you stay, you’re good with it.  

People change when they’re ready, and for the person who inspires them to.  It has nothing to do with you, because regardless of all our efforts to try and make this person see how amazing you are, or how good you can be together, it has to be reciprocated and felt from both ends.  

One thing I’ve learned to be a fact is, men and women don’t have to spend an inordinate amount of time together, to evaluate what they want.  Women almost know from the first date, if she’s going to sleep with you, and he knows if he values you enough to make you a priority and his only!  There aren’t really any gray areas there.  Now of course, we continue to grow together and our feelings change, we become more involved, but if we’re completely honest, sometimes you’re just a filler; and its up to you to decide if you’re okay with that…

Terry D.

Being Mary Jane – Seasons


IMG_1720       Yes, in the first married manseason, Mary Jane dated a married man, she slept around, and although  in this season; she may still be wrestling and grappling to gain some sense of relationship normalcy, she is still at a crossroad.  Let’s not judge, because we all have been there, going through it, or may even be on our way there; or at best, we can say that we’ve had some major relationship deficiencies, at one time or another.   So many everyday women, like you and me, not only identify with her, but also have our own demons that keep our hearts hostage to pain and heartbreak!!! We almost begin to believe this is “Our normal!” Mary Jane’s myriad of spiraling emotions are nothing short of what most black women endure in relationships!  All we need is a glimpse of hope, and it will keep us emotionally bound and gagged, but it’s that fight that keeps us going, and that same fight makes us lie to all those involved, including ourselves.  It is, however, very difficult to keep up the deception, before someone begins to witness us unravel before their very eyes! IMG_1702All of Mary Jane Paul’s relationships seem to border on some form of being dysfunctional.  She is the glue that keeps her family together, she has a friend that resents her, therefor; her refuge is sex and alcohol. She feels safe when she has a moment that she is not juggling so many balls in the air, because no one expects that she should ever show any signs of weakness.  Does she want more than sex? Absolutely, and so do so many women, but somehow, it all gets lost in the translation of life, what we mistake for love and mediocrity begins to become acceptable.  Even in the roughest of times, Mary Jane finds a way to keep her head on straight, long enough to begin saying no to things that aren’t serving her. cell phoneWhat keeps us hanging on is addiction – it’s not always love.  We can truly become addicted to a person, and like any other addiction, we need HELP to kick the habit!  We can’t let go, because we reminisce on what could have been… We don’t delete the text messages, we look at old pics and we insist on closure, just so that we can have an excuse to hold onto false hope. Mary Jane Paul is making decisions that she doesn’t realize are controlled by emotional disparity, and not because of a biological clock, but it’s all a smoke screen that would otherwise force her to face the truth.  It’s not an overnight or one size fit all solution. It’s a matter of  acknowledgment, accountability and the courage to forgive ourselves and to learn to simply say, “NO!” Soooo, What’s next…Season 3   Terry D.