Category Archives: Men & Love

Open Relationships – “On A Break”


I was watching a talk show, and the subject was, “Open Relationships.” I tried to listen with an open mind, but the more justifications I heard from the Sex Expert,
http://www.bet.com/video/just-keke/2014/exclusives/shannon-t-boodram-breaks-down-open-relationships.html the more I wondered, What the what? Her explanation behind the reasoning of these relationships was, “With there being a new generation, and they don’t stay in anything too long, it’s only natural that they would not commit to a relationship.” Well, what makes it natural to be in an open relationship?  It was, to say the least, disturbing, to hear an “Expert” justify and plant this type of seed into today’s generation. We all see how that worked out for both Dwayne Wade http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20770629,00.html and Ludacris. http://bossip.com/888989/another-year-another-love-child-ludacris-fathered-secret-baby-during-break-from-eudoxie/ They both ended up with babies during their “Break.”

Open Relationship, is just a way of saying, I want to be with you, but everyone else also, and when I’m tired of playing around, we’ll go back to being monogamous. I believe that women have conformed to this foolishness and nonsense, to fool themselves into believing that it’s okay, because otherwise, they might find themselves alone, or if they think that it might be headed in that direction anyway, they propose the concept first. Let’s just stay right there, because essentially, you are alone until they’re done with the other person/people.  Not to say that there aren’t any, but there aren’t a lot of women that are willing to share their man, just to have a piece of one.

Is nothing sacred any longer? Marriage is now a convenience, or maybe even more of a fad, because if it doesn’t work, we can just have an open marriage, and trade up for a better model.

So, we’ve decided to take a break, and now you get to fool around with someone else, and not to mention, you don’t even have enough respect for me and my body, to use protection, which is evident, because you’ve gotten someone else pregnant.

So the expert’s take is, because marriages aren’t working, it’s time to do something different. The different is only going to further drive the divorce rate up, and make young adults think, that commitment is fleeting, which flows into all areas of their lives. She goes on to further compare the younger generation to not keeping jobs long, and the same serves for relationships.

An Open Relationship is just an excuse to cheat. It’s no different than being single. Who wants to be in a relationship, and feel like they’re single?  It’s seems like people who want to be monogamous, are now becoming the minority.

No matter the generation, year or time, morals and values should never be dismissed, and there are so many repercussions for this behavior. I’m not going to play russian roulette with my mental, spiritual or physical well-being.

What are your thoughts?

Terry D.<img src=”https://lovechaptersdotnet.files.wordpress.com

If I Knew Then, What I Know Now…


I wonder if I knew that although you’re a man, but still carry my sometimes loud words of discord and negativity to the core of your heart, and how it emasculated you, would I still be so inconsiderate? If I knew that sometimes, you just need me to listen to you and SHUT UP, you need me to run you some bath water, and let you have a few moments, would I take all your burdens to heart, and leave them where they belong (in the streets), and just love you, even stroke your ego, when needed and let you melt into my arms, lay your head on my breast, take a deep breath and allow us to become one?

You see, I wonder if you knew how many nights I sat up and cried, how many conversations I’ve had with you in the mirror, would you still lie to me, would you still cheat on me, would you still dishonor me, by laying with me, and not only never marry me, but not even love me? If you knew that when we broke up for the 5th time, that along with that went my trust, a piece of me, and with all that, I gained insecurities and probably a few pounds? If you saw your daughter go through this same pain and anguish, would you turn over a new leaf?

Is it too late for me to learn to honor you as a man, and will you now see me in a different light?

If only we could have a day to live inside the heart of the person we love, maybe it would shift the winds of love, and begin to bridge the gaps of divorce, teach us how to appreciate the opposite sex for who they are, and not for who we want them to be. We could be trendsetters for generations of couples to come…

Terry D.

Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man?


Men and women love to think they know what the other person wants. After some failures and success, surely we find out where we fall short, as well as where our strengths lie.   We’re told to Act Like a Lady, and Think Like A Man, but I prefer to Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Lady, and have a man that Acts Like A Man, Thinks Like A Man, but we both respect, accept and comprise our differences.  BUT, we do learn what it means to treat one another with respect, and we adjust our behaviors, based on our love for the person we choose to spend our lives with.

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As a Woman, I listen to what a man tells me he wants and expects from his mate, but I also understand that no two men are alike, so we have to remember that when we start a new relationship.  Just because your ex liked something, doesn’t mean your new mate will. Ask questions, explore and enjoy the endless possibilities of the journey…

Don't be so shocked, if someone doesn’t have the same sexual appetite or needs. Don’t try to make your ex’s favorite color, work for your new love. Listen with your heart, and accept the change.

Learn to appreciate what you have, love in the moment and leave the past where it belongs!

Terry D.

For The Love of The Side Chick


We  have to stop allowing projected imagery to sway our values. It seems that no matter what we believe in, it’s so easily altered by suggestive manipulation through the media.  So much so, that we now have more love for, “The Side Chick,” than we do for the wife. It doesn’t matter if I’ve been cheated on before, because what I know for sure, is that God has promised me a life of abundance, and I will not allow myself, or His promise to be cheapened by a woman “Playing the Role,” of a jumpoff..

People are actually now comparing themselves to adulterers that they see on television, and even going so far as to  enter the “I Am Mary Jane,” contest to prove it. Their confession videos say, “I’m Mary Jane, because I like sex.”  “I’m Mary Jane, because my life is just that messy!”  “I’m Mary Jane, because I can have it all.”  So now they’ve stooped so low as to go and seek out dysfunctional women who say, they can have their cake and eat it too, because they can relate to Mary Jane?  I’m sure we all can relate, but that doesn’t mean, I want that to be the end all, be all for my relationship status.

There are other smaller African American films that portray a little conflict, but shows how to make it work, fight for love, and put in the time.  These shows have no chance of making it onto the big screen, and definitely not becoming a series, because for some reason, common sense, Black Love, monogamy, and clean love are not appealing enough to grab the viewer’s attention.  We are cynical enough to believe that surely this can’t be real, because if we look at all the shows that are inundating the airwaves, they unapologetically  suggest that we are not capable of true love, BUT I refuse to believe the hype, lies and garbage.

So, lets explore a show entitled: He’s Mine, Not Yours –    It’s a short film about a reformed womanizer, who is currently committed to his current girlfriend, but because her girl is telling her that all men are cheaters and dogs, she allows it to get in her mind, and now she bar sceneliterally pays someone to tempt him…  Not only does she hire this beautiful self proclaimed, “Man Stealer,” but she disguises herself, ispyto spy on him, of course, with her girlfriend, who continues to tell her that all men cheat.   You’ll have to watch the movie to see if he gives in or not!  I will say that this man had temptation coming from every end, his boy in his ear, trying to convince him to cheat… Oh yes, it gets good and interesting, but don’t let me spoil it for you, it’s on Netflix right now.

The moral of the story is:  I get that we may be tainted by some failed relationships that either we’ve experienced first hand, or from failed marriages that we witness fall apart in our very own families, but that shouldn’t deter our faith in believing that true love does exist!  You see, this has absolutely nothing to do with cheaters and dogs, but everything to do with it being easier for us to believe a lie, than to stare the truth directly in the eye!  If it’s your fear, face it.  If its insecurities, face them, get help.  If you don’t believe you’re worth it, STOP RIGHT THERE!  Proverbs 31:10 -11 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.…

So what is it that we are doing?  We’re creating our very own generational curses to pass onto our children.  We should not be cheering for the Mary Janes and Olivia Popes.  Do I dislike them as women?  Absolutely not, but that doesn’t  mean I have to support degradation, and nor do I have to force feed it to my daughter.  The dialogue for family values is minimal, but on any given Sunday, Tuesday or Thursday night, social media is flooded with the the opinions of RHOA, Being Mary Jane and Scandal.

As I’m scrolling through my newsfeed, most times I can’t tell if people are talking about people they actually know, or whoever the characters are portraying in these shows.

Bottom line – we have to get it together, stop the foolishness and tend to and nurture our own relationships. We’re so consumed with reality television, or shows that make African American women look so freaking desperate, that we now are happy to be the side chick.  What sort of ignorance is that? Really? The world can only stereotype what is handed to them on a platter.

Terry D.

The Journey…


Laugh together…

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Play together…

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Cuddle…

Cuddle

Don’t stop dating…

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Never take the little things for granted…

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Terry D.

Loving Beyond The Blame…


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Let’s Talk Scandal


I know it’s on a brief hiatus, but let’s talk Scandal!  The oh-so addictive Weekly TV Series, with rhimes_primaryalmost 9 million viewers that airs every Thursday night on ABC, written by the brilliant Shonda Rhimes, from my hometown, Chicago, Illinois and Executive Producer of Grey’s Anatomy!

Kerry

Scandal starring, the beautiful, talented, Emmy nominated Actress, Kerry Washington, the public and social media appointed “It Girl,” who plays Olivia Pope, the HEAD Gladiator!  Yes, I know it’s only a TV series, but it can sometimes offer hope to the already delusional group of women who think their lovers will leave their wives.  

The steamy love scenes between Olivia and Fitz Scandal-scene3have the viewers glued to their televisions every week, and without hesitation, rooting for the mistress, and not the wife!  So what is it that makes us root for the mistress? Do we root for her, because she is who she is, because she has a no non-sense attitude, or because we just love the adrenaline we feel, with the suspense and drama of it all?  Married women say they don’t agree, but can’t resist their love for the attraction between Olivia and Fitz; and single women say, the wife is crazy or stupid, because she actually wants Olivia to remain in her husband’s life, so that her husband can stay happy.  I will say that, I believe most people root for Kerry Washington (Olivia Pope), because of her poker face character, her famous line, “It’s handled” and not to mention, her stellar and couture style of dress!   I do often wonder if it were our own husband, would we be so forgiving of the mistress?  It’s funny how we really fool ourselves into thinking this doesn’t affect our personal lives, but when you’re in the salon, or even the barber shop, you hear people comparing people they know who may be the “side chick,” or “jump-off” to the scenes in scandal.    It can be slated as entertainment, but when people want to believe in something bad enough, they begin to imagine themselves as these very characters they see on-screen. If you don’t believe me, why else would women who can’t even afford it, rush out to buy the very clothes we see Olivia Pope, (Kerry Washington) wearing on the show, especially the infamous White Burberry Coat she adorned, that had social media in an uproar, and sold out almost immediately when she herself admits that she doesn’t even wear the clothes you see her in each week?  More than anything, we overlook her affair with the President, and get lost in the power – wanting to encompass her television lifestyle, without regard to the messy and dysfunctional characteristics.  With all her power, intelligence and sought after professional expertise, she has lost all control over her personal life and ability to make sound decisions when it comes to love and relationships.

Media outlets offer suggestive manipulation on a daily basis, and just maybe adults are able to separate what’s going on in this TV series, but what about what’s being suggested to our young women?  Would you want your daughters growing up thinking these behaviors are acceptable?  Regardless of the entertainment, we have to guard our children’s spirits, and not allow them to get entangled in the webs of deceit!  Between the reality shows, videos and shows that glorify adultery, they begin to adopt these same traits, and view them as normal behavior.

My questions:  Can Scandal be viewed as a learning tool for those who may be in these situations?  Should we just look at it as entertainment or do we turn the channel?

Sound off…

Terry D.

Scandal Olivia Pope FashionThe infamous black and white evening gown, and a few styles that have viewers scurrying to the internet to see who the designer is, and how they can purchase them:

Actions Speak Louder Than Words


Actions really do speak louder than words.  You can tell someoneActions-speak-louder-than-Words how you feel about marriage, or even your wish to be in a committed relationship.  You can shout it to the rooftop, but if your actions say different, your words mean absolutely nothing! If you’re not taking time to get to know them, and the panties are on the floor on the 2nd date; okay, maybe even the first, and that’s your choice, but don’t continue to exhibit all the characteristics that don’t say, “I want to be someone’s wife,” and then get mad because he won’t marry you.  You really can’t and don’t have to rush the love that was predestined for you, but you can throw a monkey wrench in it, by trying to fit a square in a circle…

Ask Those Tough Questions!

ask for what you wantWhat do you want in a relationship? Are you God-fearing? There is a difference in attending church, and fearing God! How do you feel about marriage?  Do you have/want children? How do you feel about sex before marriage? Do you believe in monogamy?  You can tap dance around seeking the truth, but it will come out. When you are asking these questions, PAY ATTENTION! “Ask for what you want, and be prepared to get it.” Maya Angelou Don’t half listen, and jump in heart first!  We love to say that God doesn’t answer our prayers, but the truth is, He always answers, you just ignore it, because it’s not the answer you were hoping for.

Stop Jumping In Bed So Soon!

Sex will not land you a husband, but it will get you a few good orgasms, if that’s all you want! Before you even consider being physical with someone, make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. Remember, if the goal is only to sleep with you, the chase becomes more important.  The soul ties and emotional scars can’t just be erased.  Matthew 7:6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

Spend Time Around Family & Friends!

You may very well get the representative, but people often let their guards down around people they’re more familiar with.  You will see if they’re comfortable with showing affection, how they interact, their level of respect.  What are friends and family saying?  Things like: “How’d you finally get this one to settle down?” “You better watch your back.”  “You know he’s not going to marry you right?”  Trust me, the hints and signs are always there.  

Accept Your Findings…

mayaangelouDon’t try to change that person.  You obviously were initially physically attracted to them, but later grew to like them for who they were, not who you want them to be.  Even if you try to change them, it won’t last or work.  You can’t rationalize, change or alter the truth. “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Maya Angelou

When we’ve been out of the loop of dating for a while, we end up allowing our minds to play tricks on us.  We begin to ask ourselves questions like:

  • If I Give Into Sex, It Will Change The Game
  • I Don’t Have A Lot Of Choices
  • Did I Offer A Fair Chance
  • Maybe I Need to Rethink My Standards

One thing I’ve found is that we can’t change what is not meant to be. We may go ahead and enter into a relationship that is not for us, because we feel it’s our only choice, and it’ll all work itself out.

2 Corinthians 6:14  Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Terry D.

Images courtesy of:  www.quotes-lover.com http://www.simplereminders.com

The Love We Lost


No, life is not the same, and yes, life is more complicated now, and there are way more variables that are in play now, but let’s talk about the foundations that were not negotiable, when our parents dated, the ones they hoped to pass onto us, and how they held their marriages together, in spite of…

None of these  lessons start when you’re grown.  These values are put into motion early.  If we want change, if we want the divorce rate to decrease, and the marriage rate to increase  among African-Americans, we have to be the change agents!

seedThe Foundation – They Took Us To Church

All of us knew that Sunday morning was reserved for church.  For that matter, a few more days of the week as well.  Even if we didn’t want to be there, we went, participated, and the seed was being planted and rooted, but somehow along the way, we began giving our children a choice, as we attended service on Sunday, as they stayed home and slept.  Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

The Parents Were Involvedfamily

You couldn’t just pick up a young lady, by blowing the horn, and before you started leaving the house together, there definitely had to be several supervised dates at the house.  They did things together with the family, so that everyone could get to know the character of this young man.  If he didn’t seem to have her best interest at heart, it wouldn’t be long before he was no longer allowed to come around, and even if the daughter was hurt, she respected her parents, because she knew there were consequences.

daddydaughterThe Father Made It Crystal Clear of What was NOT Going to Happen, While Someone Dated His Daughter. 

When a young lady brought home a young man for her parents to meet, the father and the brothers made sure he saw them, and let their presence be known, and the unconditional love they had for her.  Just in case he wanted to disrespect her, by calling her names, put his hands on her or step out-of-pocket for any reason, he knew he would have someone to answer to.  We have to be unapologetic in teaching equal respect to not only our daughters, but also our sons.  It will be reluctantly acknowledged, mimicked and appreciated later.

They Taught Us About Love, Through Actiongrowingold

We may have seen them fight, but we also saw them work through it, and honor their vows. When things got a bit thick, that’s when the foundation helped, because that ‘s when you saw/heard Mama praying.  They loved us enough to discipline us, when we were wrong.  The main component to their love, was that they didn’t fight for power, they shared.

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Sometimes, just the basics may be not be enough, but God has always been enough, and that is where the love begins.  You have to put the work in, because our children really do imitate our actions.  It means something to attend church with your parents, It means something to see functional relationships as  a child, it means something to know that love begins at home and it definitely means a whole hell of a lot, when you can use these same tools to keep that foundation together.  

IMAGES CREDIT:  GOOGLE

I would love to hear your thoughts or experiences.  Please leave your comments below!

Terry D.

Thank You Nelson Mandela! 1918 – 2013


“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” Nelson Mandela

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