Category Archives: Men & Love

The Best Man Holiday


100313-celebs-best-man-cast-ebony-mag-women-men-16x9Okay, the weekend is over, but everyone is still on a Best Man High! Movie Critics, Bloggers, Social Media and Talk Shows alike, are all raving about it! One of the most highly anticipated sequels, The Best Man Holiday was premiered on Friday, November 15, 2013!  This movie is still riding high, and rightfully so… This is one of the few sequels that did not disappoint, because usually we’re over it by the 2nd, and definitely the 3rd sequel! Who would have thought that after 15 years, the next chapter of The Best Man would have SO many flocking to the theaters?

Although it was slated not to do more than $22 million, with low Box Office Estimates, this movie was selling out before it even premiered, as I waited in line, even after arriving 45 minutes early! Usually, when African-Americans are able to play with the “Big Boys,” and gross over $30 Million, there will always be some negative undertones attached by critics, but who cares, because the numbers don’t lie – point-blank!  As I read the reviews, I had to fix my face, because, USA Today deemed it as a Race-Themed Movie.

www.best-man-2-castBefore I go on, I have to first take my hat off to Director, Malcolm D. Lee, and this ALL Star beautiful African-American and Latino Cast of Actresses and Actors – WOW!  It’s so refreshing to see Black Love play out.  The story line didn’t feed us a delusional fairy tale, but it came with the twists and turns that relationships can have, but at the end of the day, it gives couples a look inside compromise, love, hurt, forgiveness, friendship and the importance of having God in your marriage and relationships. There were so many lessons and insight into all the dynamics that make up the institute of love!

The peaks and valleys!  Every time you began to cry, in comes Terrence Howard to make you laugh! The ending to the movie was not expected, but so emotional, and a brilliant move!  The story line carefully guided you, as viewers became more engrossed, wanting more, but sitting on the edge of their seats, with tissue in hand, as we all waited to see what we eventually figured out, but hoped not to be the truth!

Let me tell you, everyone played their role, BUT the two who impressed me the most in this movie were Morris Chestnut, and yes, him being hot and having his shirt off did help, and Monica Calhoun – I am literally bowing to you!  The entire cast left it all on the table, and did their thing!

malcolm_articleThank you Malcolm D. Lee, first, for this AWEsome sequel, and for telling our love stories, that I feel can only be told by those who get it, and understand the dynamics!  Thank you for proving that Black Love does exist; and for allowing us to see ourselves on the big screen, in ways that others fail to appreciate or acknowledge!  Can’t wait to see what’s next…

Terry D.

Pre – The Best Man Holiday!


bestmanThere has been almost an entire year of build up for the sequel of The Best Man Holiday! Talk about marketing! Kudos to Director, Malcolm D. Lee. The Trailers, Cast Interviews, Talk Show Blitz, and the anticipation is finally over! It is in theaters TODAY!

Couples, groups of girlfriends, bloggers, critics, book clubs and others are flocking to the theaters in droves, and pre-ticket sales have skyrocketed! What makes movies like this so magnetic?

WHY?  Because love stories offer hope, and besides, deep down, people still believe in love, and why not? It doesn’t have to be bought, it feels good, and God is love!

I’ll be back later this weekend, with my BLOGGER views on the movie.

Enjoy, and happy viewing!
Stay tuned…

Terry D.

How Did I Survive Life After Heartbreak?


How did I survive life after Heartbreak

I hear my clients say all the time:

  • Maybe I’m not meant to be with anyone
  • I don’t think I can survive another failed relationship
  • At least I have someone
  • What’s wrong with me?

NO NO NO – stop that foolishness

Well, let me tell you:

I dated someone for years that was a compulsive liar, and a repeat offender of cheating.  I continued to forgive him – I know what you’re thinking – who in their right mind would stay with someone like that?  I asked myself the same thing, and thought I would never escape my self doubt and insecurities.  See, it wasn’t him to blame for the madness, it was me for not thinking I could do better, but YES, I survived, and I’m free.  I’m free mentally, physically and emotionally.

I took my power back, and I no longer felt like I had to depend on someone else for my happiness. HA – so guess what?  I win and his loss!

There is life after Heartbreak!

You name it, I’ve been through it, as a lot of us have, but I covered up my insecurities with sex and  loveless relationships!  Judge me if you want, but I feel like someone lifted a mack truck off my heart.  My biggest breakthrough came when I had a complete meltdown in the middle of my bedroom floor.  Crying uncontrollably, and releasing the toxins and stench of deceit.  

After I realized I didn’t love myself enough, I started counseling, I prayed and I finally started confiding in my close friends.  I needed an outlet, and I was no longer going to hold this all in.  To my surprise, there were other women going through, or had been through something similar.

So, for those of you who may be struggling with this same issue, here’s what helped me:

  • I had an accountability partner who I called when I thought I was getting weak
  • I remained in counseling
  • I stayed prayed up

If you don’t seek help, you will continue to repeat and attract the same characteristics in men!

IN BETWEEN THESE STEPS, I CRIED A LOT, SOMETIMES DOUBTED MYSELF & EVEN SLIPPED UP AND CALLED HIM, BUT I DIDN’T GET TOO DOWN ON MYSELF, THAT I COULDN’T RECOVER, GET BACK UP & KEEP IT MOVING…

  • I actually wrote down the things that happened, where it took a turn and why I stayed so long
  • I stayed away from dating until I was healed and able to trust
  • I FORGAVE HIM, AND THEN I FORGAVE MYSELF

Forgiveness was key, but I also had to get to the core of the problem, and why I thought any of this was okay.  Counseling definitely helped me with this, and boy oh boy did I get clarity, and the true healing began…

What was my core problem?  It was the negative seeds mentally planted throughout my life, that I never knew would contribute to my dysfunctional relationship habits.

Terry D.

Don’t Internalize The Pain


thCA4QPVRJWe internalize so many pains, that we learn to deal with it and become WAAAAYYY too familiar with disappointment that it seems like the norm!  I’m sorry, wait a minute – NO I’M NOT!!!!! I won’t apologize for not being a part of that grin and bear it generation!  Somebody, Anybody, EVERYBODY needs to know that I’ve been a damn fool, because when I look like I just might go down that road again, someone can be there to smack some sense into me.

NOW, let’s break this down:

FIRST, you have to know that you have a problem.  You can’t keep making excuses as to why you have broken up and gotten back together with the same person so many times, that everyone STOPS listening.  Yea yea, we know – this is the last time, I’m never talking to him again, and the next week…Let’s just keep it real, the next day, he’s back up in your bed, apologizing, taking you out for a cheeseburger and paying your cell phone bill.  I already know what some of you are thinking!  Cell phone bill?  Yes- cell phone bill, because although you have rent/mortgage, electric bills and taxes, somehow some of you are real proud to brag about getting your cell phone bill paid.  Really?

SECOND, it’s not up to the other person, but for you to start making some changes.  It’s not always something you did, but a lesson that is preparing you for the unknown.  Take some time for yourself, and allow YOU time to heal.  Don’t internalize the pain, and allow it to consume you!  NO – it’s not easy, but doable.  First and foremost, STOP taking the calls, texts, message in a bottle – whatever, just STOP – there’s an APP for that!  

THIRD, don’t sit around trying to figure out who, what, when, where and how. The only thing you need to know is, “What did I contribute to the failure of this relationship?”  Therefore, you won’t carry this into your next relationship! More importantly, be glad God has more sense than we do, and loves us enough, when we don’t know how to love ourselves.  

Trying to get closure, will send you back into that tailspin relationship, because you’ll keep trying to find out from that other person – what went wrong?  Subconsciously, or maybe even consciously, this is another way of holding on. Closure is LETTING GO – point-blank!  If someone doesn’t care about you, they surely don’t give a damn if you get closure.

REMEMBER THIS:  You had an existence before this relationship, and you can exist after it.  This is probably not your first experience with a broken heart, and you didn’t think you’d get through that either, but you did, so you already know you GOT THIS!  It always seems impossible when it first happens!  The other funny thing is, once you do get over it, it’s like someone turned on the light, and you’re like – What the Efff?

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Later when you see your ex, you are now wondering – what did I ever see in them…

Terry D.

What’s Holding You from Love? Is it the Pain? The Past? Is it YOU? 


Idealism of love often keeps us from that very thing, because we view it as a fairy tale. BUT, when our dreams of love don’t quite turn out as we’ve always imagined, it not only taints our views, but it leaves a stain in our spirit that makes us question if real love is possible… And everyone that tries to love us, has a higher price to pay than they can afford!

We put so much pressure on the person that wants to love us, because we blindside them by expecting them to live up to a fantasy.  We want them to make up for an absent father, a cheating lover, failed relationships and fill the void of love that we aren’t always capable of even showing to ourselves.

So what’s the point?

Glad you asked… Essentially, we are responsible for our own happiness. We have to take back our power! Take back our hearts!  Not allow our past to be a constant crutch.

 STOP blaming your past, stop holding every single person responsible, because you haven’t let go.  The hard truth is; sometimes we can’t let go, because we don’t believe we can, or it feels comfortable, and better than facing the truth. We become familiar with discontent and pain! Men don’t mind rescuing you, because they like feeling needed, but what they don’t like is to be made to feel like a punching bag, or fighting an uphill internal and unresolved battle!

Love doesn’t look the same for everyone, but you also discover that your failed relationships only mocked love, because your heart is riddled with strongholds that have not been released.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coach Terry D.

WO(man) In The Mirror


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Failed relationships can always be traced back to a man? Not so much… Maybe he broke your heart, but I’m sorry to tell you, he’s not solely responsible. The problem with this is, insecurities control more of our actions and reactions, than any one person. We give away our power, when we blame others for our choices… It’s more about The WO(man) in the Mirror! No single or collective myriad of relationship failures can be attributed to another person. Sometimes, it’s because of habitual and inherited generational curses, insecurities and the yearning for love – whether it’s good for us or not.

As soon as something goes wrong, we lash out at the “OTHER” woman! Namely, women we don’t even know, but hold responsible for all of our own relationship woes.

I’ve been to hell and back in relationships, but it made me the woman I am today, but I had to search myself;

The Why’s?

•Why did I allow someone to NOT honor the woman I know I am?
•Why did I stay?

The What’s?

•What did I do to deserve this?
•What will I do to change Me?

The How’s?

•How did I not know?
•How did I keep forgiving him?

I don’t negate the fact that its wrong for someone to disrespect you, but we have to respect ourselves, but more importantly, LOVE US enough to move pass our past, forgive THEM, forgive ourselves and not hold anyone else accountable for our choices…

I love me too much, to allow someone else not to! You can never want for someone, what they don’t want for themselves.

The woman you see in the mirror now, will look different than she did then…

Awareness = Accountability
Blame = Denial

Terry D.

If I Knew Then, What I Know Now


ipad 179Sometimes, we often reflect on our past, and say, “If I knew then, what I know Now.” It is my belief that if I had been equipped with the unforeseen, would I have appreciated the process? There’s always the what ifs, but the process inevitably prepares us for the promise. There are never any chance meetings, but rather pit stops that are temporary detours that may alter our course, but never delaying the destination.

Woe is me, what did I do to deserve this, are the questions we play on repeat in our minds. You are not a victim! Life’s experiences are like a large puzzle, that has those missing pieces that you just can’t seem to figure out, but once you do, you feel a sense of accomplishment, and you exhale. Once you position that last piece, you are very careful not to disturb it, but looking for the most strategic way to place it on a solid foundation, to hold it together.

Now it all seems to make a little more sense. When you’re in the thick of any situation, it seems so much easier to just throw in the towel, but this is your maturing stage, going through the puberty of love and life. It’s uncomfortable, things are changing that we’re not accustomed to, but it’s a part of the preparation.

Appreciation comes from losing some things or people, being tested, taking things for granted and learning to let some things or someone go. If we knew they would hurt, use, abuse and walk out on us, we may just end up being the same way; because people teach you how not to treat the next person.

Take the experiences – good and bad, and they will be your guide to GOOD LOVE, and fewer regrets. Take what you know now as education and wisdom…

Terry D.

Sex in place of Love?


Our first mind would tell us that she’s a tramp, just sleeping around. Most of us would hardly, if ever admit it, but there are more of us than not, that replace love with sex, and sometimes we can’t admit it, because we don’t know it’s what we’re doing. It’s as if we somehow use sex as a drug that gives a temporary fix. Before you even indulge in the act, you may start to feel bad, but somehow, you can’t seem to control it, because it’s all you know – it’s your coping mechanism. It’s a feeling of thinking you will never really find someone to truly love you, so you begin to make yourself believe this is all you have to offer, or hoping if you do it long enough, it will eventually turn into love. We begin the justifications: I’m only human, I have needs, it’s only sex etc.

You tell yourself, that the next person you meet or date, you will take your time and get to know him, but there you are again, faced with the notion that you have to act fast in order to keep him interested, and although we subconsciously know that if he can’t love me for me, and not for just what’s between my legs, I don’t need him; but yet we give in that other conscious that tells us, “It’s okay.” In the heat of the moment, all “common sense” goes out of the window. When we’re alone, we feel like we’ve sold our soul to the devil, and promise ourselves that we’ll never do it again. Self-pity is not going to help you. You have to pray for clarity, forgive yourself and seek out the root cause! There are a number of factors that cause us to believe we’re not worthy:

Broken relationships – Childhood – Abuse – Loneliness and the list goes on…

There is not a price large enough to pay for your dignity and nothing or no one can determine your worth, but you! Sex is just THAT – SEX. It’s a temporary, unfulfilling feel good intimate interaction! I’ve found throughout my life, that there is a clear cut difference between sex and making love. We have sex, until we learn the true meaning of love. When we begin to experience true love, the idea of “JUST SEX” goes out the window, and the emotional ties that bind the two individuals begin to transcend our hearts and minds.

When we experience true love and love making, there is no going back… You want it all or nothing, and now that you know the difference, you are more conscious of your choices, and even if you slip up, you don’t stay there long. Although it seems as though it should be innate for us to value ourselves, life has a way of altering our mindset, but without these experiences, the journey without the experiences are just pop quizzes without a final exam!

Terry D.

The TRUTH about sex…


TRUTH: Sex is not always just a means to physical satisfaction, but rather an illusion of love that masks pain, and falsely fulfills empty intimacy! Terry D.