Category Archives: Single Ladies

If I Knew Then, What I Know Now

ipad 179Sometimes, we often reflect on our past, and say, “If I knew then, what I know Now.” It is my belief that if I had been equipped with the unforeseen, would I have appreciated the process? There’s always the what ifs, but the process inevitably prepares us for the promise. There are never any chance meetings, but rather pit stops that are temporary detours that may alter our course, but never delaying the destination.

Woe is me, what did I do to deserve this, are the questions we play on repeat in our minds. You are not a victim! Life’s experiences are like a large puzzle, that has those missing pieces that you just can’t seem to figure out, but once you do, you feel a sense of accomplishment, and you exhale. Once you position that last piece, you are very careful not to disturb it, but looking for the most strategic way to place it on a solid foundation, to hold it together.

Now it all seems to make a little more sense. When you’re in the thick of any situation, it seems so much easier to just throw in the towel, but this is your maturing stage, going through the puberty of love and life. It’s uncomfortable, things are changing that we’re not accustomed to, but it’s a part of the preparation.

Appreciation comes from losing some things or people, being tested, taking things for granted and learning to let some things or someone go. If we knew they would hurt, use, abuse and walk out on us, we may just end up being the same way; because people teach you how not to treat the next person.

Take the experiences – good and bad, and they will be your guide to GOOD LOVE, and fewer regrets. Take what you know now as education and wisdom…

Terry D.

Sex in place of Love?

Our first mind would tell us that she’s a tramp, just sleeping around. Most of us would hardly, if ever admit it, but there are more of us than not, that replace love with sex, and sometimes we can’t admit it, because we don’t know it’s what we’re doing. It’s as if we somehow use sex as a drug that gives a temporary fix. Before you even indulge in the act, you may start to feel bad, but somehow, you can’t seem to control it, because it’s all you know – it’s your coping mechanism. It’s a feeling of thinking you will never really find someone to truly love you, so you begin to make yourself believe this is all you have to offer, or hoping if you do it long enough, it will eventually turn into love. We begin the justifications: I’m only human, I have needs, it’s only sex etc.

You tell yourself, that the next person you meet or date, you will take your time and get to know him, but there you are again, faced with the notion that you have to act fast in order to keep him interested, and although we subconsciously know that if he can’t love me for me, and not for just what’s between my legs, I don’t need him; but yet we give in that other conscious that tells us, “It’s okay.” In the heat of the moment, all “common sense” goes out of the window. When we’re alone, we feel like we’ve sold our soul to the devil, and promise ourselves that we’ll never do it again. Self-pity is not going to help you. You have to pray for clarity, forgive yourself and seek out the root cause! There are a number of factors that cause us to believe we’re not worthy:

Broken relationships – Childhood – Abuse – Loneliness and the list goes on…

There is not a price large enough to pay for your dignity and nothing or no one can determine your worth, but you! Sex is just THAT – SEX. It’s a temporary, unfulfilling feel good intimate interaction! I’ve found throughout my life, that there is a clear cut difference between sex and making love. We have sex, until we learn the true meaning of love. When we begin to experience true love, the idea of “JUST SEX” goes out the window, and the emotional ties that bind the two individuals begin to transcend our hearts and minds.

When we experience true love and love making, there is no going back… You want it all or nothing, and now that you know the difference, you are more conscious of your choices, and even if you slip up, you don’t stay there long. Although it seems as though it should be innate for us to value ourselves, life has a way of altering our mindset, but without these experiences, the journey without the experiences are just pop quizzes without a final exam!

Terry D.

Loving You First…

As women, we are almost taught from birth to love everyone else, so it’s no wonder that it’s been an uphill battle to love ourselves, or even be able to recognize when others may not love us.  We give unconditional love to our children, love our families and we certainly love the men in our lives through many toils. When our children disappoint us because of our self-appointed expectations or just mere disregard, it does something to our heart, but we get over it.  We love our families in spite of our disagreements, because as the saying goes, “You can’t choose your family.”  These are people in our lives that we love just because…When it comes to matters of the heart, we internalize the feeling of the unreturned love and almost become ambassadors for trying to change it and the outcome.

I have to think that these learned lessons of love carry over into our Adult love lives with the opposite sex.  Somewhere along the way, we didn’t learn to separate the acceptance of love.  We didn’t learn that all is not fair in love.  Although it’s not okay to allow anyone to mistreat you or your heart, the toleration we learned from loving our family and friends translate in how we accept the unacceptable in relationships.  For so long, we’ve adapted to forgiveness for the crimes committed against our hearts.

We automatically believe we’re innately programmed to love ourselves; therefore we miss and ignore the signs when we fail to do so.  Essentially, this is true since God is love.  We start off loving ourselves, but then almost teach others how to NOT love us by not holding them or ourselves accountable.  We have to love ourselves unconditionally in order to expect someone else to do the same.  The realization of our inability to love ourselves cuts like a knife, but when you face the reality, it opens the door for healing and loving yourself the way you’ve always loved everyone else.

Love YOU FIRST… before you try to love anyone else.

-Terry D.

How do you Define Romance?

Why do we say we want respect and romance, romance definition and immediately become offended when he isn’t trying to sleep with you right away?  Have we lost the ability to sense a good man or are we confused about what we really want?  Are we sending the wrong message, by making sexual advances, because he doesn’t?  Have we been hanging with the Mr. Wrong’s so long, that we no longer recognize Mr. Right?  We become cynical in our depiction of men, due to bad relationship experiences, and almost lose our capacity to identify love.  I don’t believe it’s so much as we don’t know what we want, but instead after relationship failures, we question our value, lack love for ourselves and begin thinking we are only defined by our sexual worth.   If he gives into your advances because of the pressure to prove his manhood, will he still respect you?  Does it make you feel undesirable when he doesn’t try to sleep with you, or is that all you feel you have to offer?  You’re so much more than a sexual being, and until you recognize that, you will continue to accept less than you deserve or desire.  If you truly are aware of what you want vs. what you don’t want, take inventory and take no prisoners.  You don’t have to be a hard ass, but you do have to be adamant about your deal breakers, but more importantly, stop wasting your time; because if you’re not ready to do that, you are a walking target for a series of romance-less relationships.

If romance and respect is what you want, then say that and keep your panties on.  When you project physically what you emotionally and mentally want, guess what – you will get it!  You have to own the confidence and not compromise your values.  If he doesn’t want to romance you, without the sex, you need to keep it moving, because that sounds a lot like a trade-off; and we both know what sex for pay is considered.  One key factor is, giving in and compromising what you believe in, will not get you any closer to your goal of attaining true love.  If we didn’t think so little of ourselves and not use sex as a bargaining chip, we would be surprised at the real bond that romance and sexless intimacy can bring.  You can’t hold him accountable without holding yourself accountable.  Sometimes it takes you taking a step back from relationships, and learning more about yourself and all that you have to offer in order to become comfortable  and not selling yourself cheap. 

Close your legs, open your mind and let the romance begin!

-Terry D.

Are you reducing your chances at Love?

Are you reducing your chances of meeting him by having too many stipulations?  When you’re a teenager, you have this ideology of what Mr. Right will look like, what kind of car he will drive, etc.  Well as you mature, you begin to prioritize and rationalize these same expectations of perfection.  You come to learn that he may not be 6’4”, light with hazel eyes and driving the Maybach Benz.  If you’re seeking true love, stability and a solid foundation, you have to make sound and mature choices.

As women, it’s difficult to dismiss our idea of what we’ve always wanted, even if we know it’s outside of the realm of reality.  It’s almost as if we’ve conformed to what society says a “Successful couple” looks like, but that doesn’t create happy or lasting relationships.  It doesn’t matter what someone else thinks, as long as he makes you happy. 

Does the complexion of someone, the car they drive or the job they hold define their character?  How can you ever be sure of what your type is, if you have tunnel vision?  Sure, we all want this picture perfect mate, but that’s just not reality.  I”m not suggesting that you have to settle for someone you don’t want, but to simply open your mind.  Until you expand your limited mindset, you may just find yourself single a little longer.  Standards and stipulations are not the same thing, and it’s up to you to decide what’s important to you, true happiness or only what it looks like from the outside. 

Open your mind to the endless possibilities and increase your odds!

 -Terry D.

The Mis-Education of the Single Ladies (20 Questions…)

  1. Why do we as single ladies feel we must pimp ourselves out in order to get and/or keep a man? 
  2. Why do we accept less than what we want just to have a man?  (Settling)
  3. Why do you accept flirting from men when they’re with their woman, and think she’s dumb for letting it happen? 
  4. Why do we lie about the status of our relationship in order to save face? 
  5. Who told you it was a crime to be single? 
  6. Who told you it is okay to accept cheating, as long as he’s taking care of home? 
  7. Why do you stay so long without any promise of marriage? 
  8. Why do you think he loves you, just because you’re having sex on a regular? 
  9. Why are we having sex before marriage?
  10. Why do you think its okay to sleep with someone else’s husband? 
  11. Why do you think you’re the one who’s going to change him?   
  12. Why do you want him to have everything on point, and you don’t?
  13. Why do we think we’re not worth more?
  14. Why do we think all men are dogs, and think we’re going to attract a good one?
  15. Why do we think, “How did she get a man, and I don’t have one?”
  16. Why are we so afraid to be alone?
  17. Why don’t we accept we could be the reason we’re single?
  18. Why is it so hard to move on from bad relationships?
  19. Why don’t we make ourselves available?
  20. Why does being single make us desperate?

-Terry D.

Are you Marriage Material?

To understand marriage in a Godly sense (which is the only way) is to understand the relationship between God and the Church.

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers:  for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?  And what communion hath light with darkness?”  2 Corinthians 6:14

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.


 If you say you don’t need a man, guess what, you’re not going to attract or get one…  Most women who say they don’t need or want a man is usually because they’re experiencing a dating drought.  Say what you mean and mean what you say!  When did it become an omen to simply say, “I want a man?”  I’m not saying settle for any ole’ one, but it’s certainly okay to want one.

Are you ready to submit? Ephesians 5:22 – 24 Wives submit to your own husband.

Being submissive is not a bad thing.  It actually will open a door of endless possibilities and communication.  As women, we automatically think it’s a sign of weakness if we are submissive, but it’s a way of honoring your husband and God!

Submission doesn’t mean being a doormat, being mistreated or following a man into sin, and going against the principles of Christ.  If you are being told that you have no say in the marriage, that’s not submission, it’s a form of control and mental/emotional abuse.  You are following his lead as a man of God, and trusting that he will do the right thing.

Are you ready to be ONE? Mark 10: 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one.

Sometimes it’s difficult for us to become one because we’ve become accustomed to being just ‘me.’  In order to consider working marriage into your life, you have to learn to use proper pronouns (we, and not I).  This means in finances, religion, disciplining your children, but more importantly, you’re now one, so others don’t belong in your marriage.

 Are you up for compromise and sacrifice? Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24

 You must remember that the decision is no longer just yours.  There are things that you unequivocally will not be able to do the same as you did as a single woman.  You might have to give up that shopping habit, or even getting  rid of some friends that just may not work into your marriage.  I’m not saying you can’t have friends, but everyone won’t celebrate your happiness!  Surround yourself with couples that are successful in their marriages!  It’s good to experience the positives that certainly come along with Holy Matrimony!

 -Terry D.