Category Archives: Single Mothers

Living  S I N G L E 


I find that the majority of single women spend their time trying to figure out how to become a wife, and losing themselves in the interim, and not enjoying the “As I Am” moments and perks; because becoming good enough for someone else makes them neglect self love and self care!  Life still has to be lived, and it’s in those moments, that you discover exactly who you are.  


Love does not just belong to someone else. It’s about experiencing it first hand – with YOU! When we learn to love ourselves, and in turn, begin to share that love with someone special, we make sacrifices and we compromise. 

Explore you – INSIDE and OUT!  Take risks and see the beauty of the world and life through your own lense! 

It’s not to suggest that you won’t enjoy the same amenities with someone else, but don’t wait on someone else for life to begin.  LIVE LIFE OUT LOUD and with purpose!  

Your zest for life and love for self will be infectious.  It creates organic and tangible allure.  

Don’t allow the blurred lines of society’s pressure to fit in, deter you!  Your blessing is ONLY meant for you.   

Stay Focused – Don’t Settle – Fools Rush In…


Terry D.

Coach|Speaker|Author 

I’m NOT Perfect, but I’m Authentically and Unapologetically ME


Nope, I’m not perfect, but I am authentically ME!  

I’ve made so many mistakes in love, life and relationships.  I used to regret my choices, but every single experience was a lesson that shaped me to be ME!  We get so hung up on our past, our mistakes, what others think of us and we don’t forgive ourselves.  God never said that weapons wouldn’t form, He just said they would not prosper.  My purpose is to help others discover their purpose, and to be a tool in their healing and restoration! 

I used to think I wasn’t worthy of someone loving me, because I hadn’t learned my worth, and I didn’t know how to love myself.  I have constantly been judged for my choices, but I had to learn not to internalize it.  It’s easier for others to judge you, and honestly, that’s their problem. 

I openly share my life, love and relationship mistakes, because I had to learn not to be ashamed or a victim.  We all make mistakes, but we all deserve second chances.  

  • When I ended up homeless, I couldn’t understand why?!?!?!?
  • When I stayed in a relationship for almost 14 years, on and off, knowing it wasn’t healthy, I questioned my sanity and worth 
  • When I found myself in a pool of blood with a slit wrist, I thought it was over for me 

In every single circumstance that I just listed above, came some great lessons and blessings!  Sounds crazy, right?

I wrote a proposal to my church for a clothing closet to assist women in shelters, because I was once a recipient, and I wanted to give back, and teach those women that your circumstances don’t define your fate or YOU!

That relationship almost broke me.  I didn’t trust anyone, but I also didn’t give up on love.  I didn’t stop believing in good men, but most importantly, I am now helping others in their journey, and I’m able to share How I Survived!

In the blink of an eye, I saw myself possibly being taken out.  I had to make a decision to change my life, or lose it.  I watched my two children look at me with tears in their eyes, as I was carried out on a stretcher with tubes everywhere, with my hands restrained, so that I wouldn’t hurt myself, and it was in that moment that I knew I had a greater purpose, and that my life was not my own!  I had to pick up the pieces and start being accountable.  

To say the least, none of this was pleasant, but I’ve learned to appreciate that God’s plans are not my plans.  I won’t apologize, because I’m me, and I continue to learn and grow.  

Don’t allow others to hold your past over you.  It was just a test run… 
 
 Terry D. 

Are We Grooming Our Black Sons & Daughters For Marriage?


familyAs a culture,  we don’t groom our children for family and marriage. Just because marriage may not have worked out for you, or you never walked down the aisle, doesn’t mean you taint the views of marriage to your children. We should always want more for them, than we had/have.

Things we shouldn’t be saying to them:
1. All men are dogs (Lack of Trust)
2. Make sure you get paid first (Soft Prostitution)
3. Women will use you (Lack of trust)
4. You’re a player, don’t get trapped by one woman (Womanizer)
5. Keep her in her place (Promotes abuse)

Our habits, good or bad, are mimicked  by our offsprings, and if they see us as women, disrespecting the man in the house, it teaches our daughters not to respect her husband,  and our sons to either be doormats or even abusive, because of resentment.  We don’t like to use the word roles, until it applies to the heavy lifting responsibilities,  like certain chores or finances.  I like being a lady, I like feeling safe, I like handing over certain things to him, I like him walking on the outside  of me, opening my door. See that’s his “Role.”  Yes, there is a surge of single parents, so it becomes second nature to just do things for yourself.   It’s not a sign of weakness, if you relinquish carrying  out the garbage, or changing a lock.  It does take some getting used to.  These are all the dysfunctional behaviors we subconsciously  teach ourselves and our children, and before you know it, your daughter is saying, “I don’t need a man to take care of me.”  In all reality, it feels good to have the option, but when all you’ve seen is Mama doing it for herself, it just seems natural to adopt the same feelings.  I talk a lot about generational curses, because it’s the very thing that is tearing the black family apart.

Groom your son for marriage. Don’t teach him to be a player, by telling him at the age of 2, that he’s a pimp, he will be a heart breaker and all the girls are going to love him.  Planting seeds of womanizing is dangerous.  If you’re a man who likes  a lot of women,  and you flaunt this in front of both your daughter and son, she will think it’s okay for a man to cheat, and your son will admire your slick ways, and soon mirror them.

Ladies, please stop bringing every Tom, Dick and Harry around your children.  Especially  your daughter.  We can teach our daughters to respect themselves, by how we dress and how we conduct ourselves. Stop looking for a man to pay you for sex. Yes, I said it, because it’s nothing short of hoeing yourself out.  Do you wonder why your daughter is now giving it up for a $25 fill in?  She felt obligated,  because it’s what she’s been taught.

Be the change agent and role model for your children.  Teach them to respect the opposite sex.  talk to them straight up about sex and respecting not only their bodies, but others as well.  They need to know that NO means NO.  Abstinence is not “The SIN!”

The not so funny piece to the puzzle is, when we see our children behaving in disrespectful ways like us,  we are now angry and ready to beat them down.  When the truth is,  they learned it from YOU!

Dysfunctional behaviors are created well before they’re teens, and will follow them into their adult lives.  It’s easy to create them, but like hell to break and redirect. We do have the power to instill positive and strong influence within them.  We have to take our families back!

Terry D.

For The Love of The Side Chick


We  have to stop allowing projected imagery to sway our values. It seems that no matter what we believe in, it’s so easily altered by suggestive manipulation through the media.  So much so, that we now have more love for, “The Side Chick,” than we do for the wife. It doesn’t matter if I’ve been cheated on before, because what I know for sure, is that God has promised me a life of abundance, and I will not allow myself, or His promise to be cheapened by a woman “Playing the Role,” of a jumpoff..

People are actually now comparing themselves to adulterers that they see on television, and even going so far as to  enter the “I Am Mary Jane,” contest to prove it. Their confession videos say, “I’m Mary Jane, because I like sex.”  “I’m Mary Jane, because my life is just that messy!”  “I’m Mary Jane, because I can have it all.”  So now they’ve stooped so low as to go and seek out dysfunctional women who say, they can have their cake and eat it too, because they can relate to Mary Jane?  I’m sure we all can relate, but that doesn’t mean, I want that to be the end all, be all for my relationship status.

There are other smaller African American films that portray a little conflict, but shows how to make it work, fight for love, and put in the time.  These shows have no chance of making it onto the big screen, and definitely not becoming a series, because for some reason, common sense, Black Love, monogamy, and clean love are not appealing enough to grab the viewer’s attention.  We are cynical enough to believe that surely this can’t be real, because if we look at all the shows that are inundating the airwaves, they unapologetically  suggest that we are not capable of true love, BUT I refuse to believe the hype, lies and garbage.

So, lets explore a show entitled: He’s Mine, Not Yours –    It’s a short film about a reformed womanizer, who is currently committed to his current girlfriend, but because her girl is telling her that all men are cheaters and dogs, she allows it to get in her mind, and now she bar sceneliterally pays someone to tempt him…  Not only does she hire this beautiful self proclaimed, “Man Stealer,” but she disguises herself, ispyto spy on him, of course, with her girlfriend, who continues to tell her that all men cheat.   You’ll have to watch the movie to see if he gives in or not!  I will say that this man had temptation coming from every end, his boy in his ear, trying to convince him to cheat… Oh yes, it gets good and interesting, but don’t let me spoil it for you, it’s on Netflix right now.

The moral of the story is:  I get that we may be tainted by some failed relationships that either we’ve experienced first hand, or from failed marriages that we witness fall apart in our very own families, but that shouldn’t deter our faith in believing that true love does exist!  You see, this has absolutely nothing to do with cheaters and dogs, but everything to do with it being easier for us to believe a lie, than to stare the truth directly in the eye!  If it’s your fear, face it.  If its insecurities, face them, get help.  If you don’t believe you’re worth it, STOP RIGHT THERE!  Proverbs 31:10 -11 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.…

So what is it that we are doing?  We’re creating our very own generational curses to pass onto our children.  We should not be cheering for the Mary Janes and Olivia Popes.  Do I dislike them as women?  Absolutely not, but that doesn’t  mean I have to support degradation, and nor do I have to force feed it to my daughter.  The dialogue for family values is minimal, but on any given Sunday, Tuesday or Thursday night, social media is flooded with the the opinions of RHOA, Being Mary Jane and Scandal.

As I’m scrolling through my newsfeed, most times I can’t tell if people are talking about people they actually know, or whoever the characters are portraying in these shows.

Bottom line – we have to get it together, stop the foolishness and tend to and nurture our own relationships. We’re so consumed with reality television, or shows that make African American women look so freaking desperate, that we now are happy to be the side chick.  What sort of ignorance is that? Really? The world can only stereotype what is handed to them on a platter.

Terry D.

Love and Single Parenting


Our relationships we develop with our children can determine the relationships they not only build with their own children, but with their significant others.  http://www.naturalchild.org/sidney_craig/feelings.html

I know we are adults, and proclaim the right to our own decision-making when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, but it is our parental duty to make sure we are providing our children with the best possible examples and the necessary tools to be productive adults that carry a heart of love and not resentment.  While we can’t predict whether they will make sound decisions or not, we have fulfilled our God-given duty to Train them up.  Proverbs 22:6 There are fine lines that exist when you are involved in romantic relationships as parents.  If you plan on spending a significant amount of time with someone, you have to be assured that they are a good fit for you, as well as your children. 

An unhealthy relationship can be an emotional benefactor in the way he/she will view and behave in the relationships they develop.  http://www.bizymoms.com/parenting/relationship-with-opposite-sex.htmlOur

  • Having sex with them in the next room:  If you think your children don’t know what’s going on, you are sadly mistaken.  If it’s your choice to have sex in your home, please make sure your children aren’t home.  Closing the door and telling him/her to be quiet is not a choice.  We can’t expect to flaunt open sexual relationships in front of our children and then expect them not to explore their own sexual curiosities, or tell them to wait until they’re married, if we’re not leading by example.
  • Ignoring them for our New found Love:  New love can be a beautiful thing for us, but a nightmare for our children, who now feel left out.  There has to be a balance between the two, and your new love has to understand. You can’t allow your relationship with him/her to interfere with your children, nor can you make them feel like they’re not included in your activities with the two of you. 

Our consciousness of healthy relationships have to be raised to higher standards, because our decisions have a domino effect.  Our children are observing and absorbing our unhealthy behaviors…

-Terry D.

The Mis-Education of the Single Ladies (20 Questions…)


  1. Why do we as single ladies feel we must pimp ourselves out in order to get and/or keep a man? 
  2. Why do we accept less than what we want just to have a man?  (Settling)
  3. Why do you accept flirting from men when they’re with their woman, and think she’s dumb for letting it happen? 
  4. Why do we lie about the status of our relationship in order to save face? 
  5. Who told you it was a crime to be single? 
  6. Who told you it is okay to accept cheating, as long as he’s taking care of home? 
  7. Why do you stay so long without any promise of marriage? 
  8. Why do you think he loves you, just because you’re having sex on a regular? 
  9. Why are we having sex before marriage?
  10. Why do you think its okay to sleep with someone else’s husband? 
  11. Why do you think you’re the one who’s going to change him?   
  12. Why do you want him to have everything on point, and you don’t?
  13. Why do we think we’re not worth more?
  14. Why do we think all men are dogs, and think we’re going to attract a good one?
  15. Why do we think, “How did she get a man, and I don’t have one?”
  16. Why are we so afraid to be alone?
  17. Why don’t we accept we could be the reason we’re single?
  18. Why is it so hard to move on from bad relationships?
  19. Why don’t we make ourselves available?
  20. Why does being single make us desperate?

-Terry D.

Raise Your Son to Love Early


As single moms, we have to do better at teaching our sons to love, and that crying does not make him weak.  We shouldn’t want to raise our sons to be the men we don’t want to date or marry.  I’ve found that as single parents, we try to overcompensate for the lack, inadvertently becoming enablers.  We don’t correct them if they have multiple girlfriends, we wait on them hand and foot and we don’t teach them to clean or cook because we want them to grow up and be manly men.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, and she was telling me about how her son had his own apartment, but when he wants to cheat, he brings his other girlfriends to her house.  I was stunned as she told me this story as she laughed saying, “Girls are so stupid.”  As my mouth hung open, I thought to myself, are you the stupid one, and is she serious?  Not only is she teaching him to be disrespectful to women, but did she ever stop to think, she would never want a man to treat her in this manner, nor would she want someone to treat her daughter like that.    I’m sure we’ve all had similar conversations with our girlfriends, and they’re joking and saying, “Girl he is a trip.”  He has more women that I can keep up with, or we’ve been that mom uttering those same words ourselves.  I’m sorry, but I don’t see the humor in this. Double standards can sometimes send the wrong message.  As “Modern Day” moms, we accept any and everything, and we try to be our children’s friend and not their parent.  It’s also in the way we conduct ourselves as single women in relationships.  If we are flaunting multiple men in front of them like we’re running an escort service, we are essentially teaching them that it’s okay to be disrespectful to women, because that’s what mama did.

I think we take for granted that they just know better, but that’s not always the case.  I was having a conversation with a family member of mine (early 20’s) and explaining to him, how it wasn’t cool to lead women on.  His interpretation was that it was okay for him to go out with multiple women if he wasn’t having sex with them all.  He asked, “What’s the big deal?”  If they don’t mind, why should I?” 

When my siblings and I were growing up, my mom didn’t tolerate disrespectful behavior toward women from my brothers.  If they had a girlfriend, she was the only one allowed in our home.  She made it clear to them that her home was not a motel, and if that’s how they were going to conduct themselves, they wouldn’t do it around her.    

We teach our boys not to hit women, we teach them not to initiate fights, how to read and write and all the essentials they need to grow to be productive adults, so why is it so difficult to teach them to respect women?

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.  Proverbs 22:6

 -Terry D.