Category Archives: Single Mothers

For The Love of The Side Chick


We  have to stop allowing projected imagery to sway our values. It seems that no matter what we believe in, it’s so easily altered by suggestive manipulation through the media.  So much so, that we now have more love for, “The Side Chick,” than we do for the wife. It doesn’t matter if I’ve been cheated on before, because what I know for sure, is that God has promised me a life of abundance, and I will not allow myself, or His promise to be cheapened by a woman “Playing the Role,” of a jumpoff..

People are actually now comparing themselves to adulterers that they see on television, and even going so far as to  enter the “I Am Mary Jane,” contest to prove it. Their confession videos say, “I’m Mary Jane, because I like sex.”  “I’m Mary Jane, because my life is just that messy!”  “I’m Mary Jane, because I can have it all.”  So now they’ve stooped so low as to go and seek out dysfunctional women who say, they can have their cake and eat it too, because they can relate to Mary Jane?  I’m sure we all can relate, but that doesn’t mean, I want that to be the end all, be all for my relationship status.

There are other smaller African American films that portray a little conflict, but shows how to make it work, fight for love, and put in the time.  These shows have no chance of making it onto the big screen, and definitely not becoming a series, because for some reason, common sense, Black Love, monogamy, and clean love are not appealing enough to grab the viewer’s attention.  We are cynical enough to believe that surely this can’t be real, because if we look at all the shows that are inundating the airwaves, they unapologetically  suggest that we are not capable of true love, BUT I refuse to believe the hype, lies and garbage.

So, lets explore a show entitled: He’s Mine, Not Yours –    It’s a short film about a reformed womanizer, who is currently committed to his current girlfriend, but because her girl is telling her that all men are cheaters and dogs, she allows it to get in her mind, and now she bar sceneliterally pays someone to tempt him…  Not only does she hire this beautiful self proclaimed, “Man Stealer,” but she disguises herself, ispyto spy on him, of course, with her girlfriend, who continues to tell her that all men cheat.   You’ll have to watch the movie to see if he gives in or not!  I will say that this man had temptation coming from every end, his boy in his ear, trying to convince him to cheat… Oh yes, it gets good and interesting, but don’t let me spoil it for you, it’s on Netflix right now.

The moral of the story is:  I get that we may be tainted by some failed relationships that either we’ve experienced first hand, or from failed marriages that we witness fall apart in our very own families, but that shouldn’t deter our faith in believing that true love does exist!  You see, this has absolutely nothing to do with cheaters and dogs, but everything to do with it being easier for us to believe a lie, than to stare the truth directly in the eye!  If it’s your fear, face it.  If its insecurities, face them, get help.  If you don’t believe you’re worth it, STOP RIGHT THERE!  Proverbs 31:10 -11 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.…

So what is it that we are doing?  We’re creating our very own generational curses to pass onto our children.  We should not be cheering for the Mary Janes and Olivia Popes.  Do I dislike them as women?  Absolutely not, but that doesn’t  mean I have to support degradation, and nor do I have to force feed it to my daughter.  The dialogue for family values is minimal, but on any given Sunday, Tuesday or Thursday night, social media is flooded with the the opinions of RHOA, Being Mary Jane and Scandal.

As I’m scrolling through my newsfeed, most times I can’t tell if people are talking about people they actually know, or whoever the characters are portraying in these shows.

Bottom line – we have to get it together, stop the foolishness and tend to and nurture our own relationships. We’re so consumed with reality television, or shows that make African American women look so freaking desperate, that we now are happy to be the side chick.  What sort of ignorance is that? Really? The world can only stereotype what is handed to them on a platter.

Terry D.

Love and Single Parenting


Our relationships we develop with our children can determine the relationships they not only build with their own children, but with their significant others.  http://www.naturalchild.org/sidney_craig/feelings.html

I know we are adults, and proclaim the right to our own decision-making when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, but it is our parental duty to make sure we are providing our children with the best possible examples and the necessary tools to be productive adults that carry a heart of love and not resentment.  While we can’t predict whether they will make sound decisions or not, we have fulfilled our God-given duty to Train them up.  Proverbs 22:6 There are fine lines that exist when you are involved in romantic relationships as parents.  If you plan on spending a significant amount of time with someone, you have to be assured that they are a good fit for you, as well as your children. 

An unhealthy relationship can be an emotional benefactor in the way he/she will view and behave in the relationships they develop.  http://www.bizymoms.com/parenting/relationship-with-opposite-sex.htmlOur

  • Having sex with them in the next room:  If you think your children don’t know what’s going on, you are sadly mistaken.  If it’s your choice to have sex in your home, please make sure your children aren’t home.  Closing the door and telling him/her to be quiet is not a choice.  We can’t expect to flaunt open sexual relationships in front of our children and then expect them not to explore their own sexual curiosities, or tell them to wait until they’re married, if we’re not leading by example.
  • Ignoring them for our New found Love:  New love can be a beautiful thing for us, but a nightmare for our children, who now feel left out.  There has to be a balance between the two, and your new love has to understand. You can’t allow your relationship with him/her to interfere with your children, nor can you make them feel like they’re not included in your activities with the two of you. 

Our consciousness of healthy relationships have to be raised to higher standards, because our decisions have a domino effect.  Our children are observing and absorbing our unhealthy behaviors…

-Terry D.

The Mis-Education of the Single Ladies (20 Questions…)


  1. Why do we as single ladies feel we must pimp ourselves out in order to get and/or keep a man? 
  2. Why do we accept less than what we want just to have a man?  (Settling)
  3. Why do you accept flirting from men when they’re with their woman, and think she’s dumb for letting it happen? 
  4. Why do we lie about the status of our relationship in order to save face? 
  5. Who told you it was a crime to be single? 
  6. Who told you it is okay to accept cheating, as long as he’s taking care of home? 
  7. Why do you stay so long without any promise of marriage? 
  8. Why do you think he loves you, just because you’re having sex on a regular? 
  9. Why are we having sex before marriage?
  10. Why do you think its okay to sleep with someone else’s husband? 
  11. Why do you think you’re the one who’s going to change him?   
  12. Why do you want him to have everything on point, and you don’t?
  13. Why do we think we’re not worth more?
  14. Why do we think all men are dogs, and think we’re going to attract a good one?
  15. Why do we think, “How did she get a man, and I don’t have one?”
  16. Why are we so afraid to be alone?
  17. Why don’t we accept we could be the reason we’re single?
  18. Why is it so hard to move on from bad relationships?
  19. Why don’t we make ourselves available?
  20. Why does being single make us desperate?

-Terry D.

Raise Your Son to Love Early


As single moms, we have to do better at teaching our sons to love, and that crying does not make him weak.  We shouldn’t want to raise our sons to be the men we don’t want to date or marry.  I’ve found that as single parents, we try to overcompensate for the lack, inadvertently becoming enablers.  We don’t correct them if they have multiple girlfriends, we wait on them hand and foot and we don’t teach them to clean or cook because we want them to grow up and be manly men.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, and she was telling me about how her son had his own apartment, but when he wants to cheat, he brings his other girlfriends to her house.  I was stunned as she told me this story as she laughed saying, “Girls are so stupid.”  As my mouth hung open, I thought to myself, are you the stupid one, and is she serious?  Not only is she teaching him to be disrespectful to women, but did she ever stop to think, she would never want a man to treat her in this manner, nor would she want someone to treat her daughter like that.    I’m sure we’ve all had similar conversations with our girlfriends, and they’re joking and saying, “Girl he is a trip.”  He has more women that I can keep up with, or we’ve been that mom uttering those same words ourselves.  I’m sorry, but I don’t see the humor in this. Double standards can sometimes send the wrong message.  As “Modern Day” moms, we accept any and everything, and we try to be our children’s friend and not their parent.  It’s also in the way we conduct ourselves as single women in relationships.  If we are flaunting multiple men in front of them like we’re running an escort service, we are essentially teaching them that it’s okay to be disrespectful to women, because that’s what mama did.

I think we take for granted that they just know better, but that’s not always the case.  I was having a conversation with a family member of mine (early 20’s) and explaining to him, how it wasn’t cool to lead women on.  His interpretation was that it was okay for him to go out with multiple women if he wasn’t having sex with them all.  He asked, “What’s the big deal?”  If they don’t mind, why should I?” 

When my siblings and I were growing up, my mom didn’t tolerate disrespectful behavior toward women from my brothers.  If they had a girlfriend, she was the only one allowed in our home.  She made it clear to them that her home was not a motel, and if that’s how they were going to conduct themselves, they wouldn’t do it around her.    

We teach our boys not to hit women, we teach them not to initiate fights, how to read and write and all the essentials they need to grow to be productive adults, so why is it so difficult to teach them to respect women?

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.  Proverbs 22:6

 -Terry D.