Category Archives: Unhealthy Relationships

Why Closure Can Help & Hurt


There will be some that will argue the position that it’s almost impossible to transition into your next phase of life without closing the last chapter, and others who will say that closure is absolutely not necessary.

“Not receiving closure is toughest when the breakup is unexpected!”

img_2115If you’re in the majority who absolutely require closure, you should definitely allow some time before that conversation takes place, because if it’s too soon, the wounds are still fresh, and you want resolve, not more fighting and blame. When that conversation does take place, you have to earnestly be prepared for their, “Why!” Even if you don’t agree, it doesn’t make it any less valid.

When you’re the person looking for closure, but the other person has moved on, and you want answers, you may never get that expected apology.  If you were the one dumped, you are more apt to be the one blaming the other person for the failure of the relationship, but when that conversation takes place, you may find they hold you accountable as well, because they now have nothing to lose, so they’re willing to have a no holds barred dialogue.  They may also point out some not so desirable characteristics about you, that should have previously been discussed, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t.  Closure helps, because inherently; when you don’t receive the answers you have already disposed, it creates a sense of insecurity, because it makes you question your worth.

It is my opinion that no matter the explanation, it will not be an acceptable one, but it gives you an opportunity to vent, ask questions and express your frustrations. We can’t force anyone to have that conversation with us, and we certainly can’t expect the person that hurt us, to also help heal us.  It could be as simple as they’re just not into you. There’s no science to handling heartbreak, but time and forgiveness will aid in your road to healing.

It’s difficult to trust when we don’t get closure, and if that’s the case, give yourself time to heal, and be honest with yourself about what you could have done differently, because after you replay the conversation in your head, and you’ve had an opportunity to calm down, you might find some validity in what was said, and this will help you in your growth for your next relationship.

Terry D.

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Is Your Truth Buried in a Lie?


We subconsciously live our lives based on what has been fed into our spirits.

How many of us live our lives based on expectations? It’s not easy to keep up appearances for something that was either taught or mimicked!  Despite how much we fight it, our actions and attitude become a reflection of what’s on the inside.

No matter how many lies we bury, the truth will always rear its ugly head. We have repetitive relational behaviors, and it’s easier to blame others, but the truth is; we came to the relationship with baggage that keeps us from fully emotionally connecting. Yes, it’s true that relationships suffer from lack of communication, finances and infidelity, but how much of this is a learned behavior.  No matter how much you don’t want to believe it, words carry power, and we subconsciously replay them in our heads, and as a result, carry them into our adult lives, and they take on a part of our character.

How many times have you heard?

  • Men don’t cry
  • Do as I say, and not as I do
  • Men don’t express their feelings
  • You’re too young to settle down
  • Don’t worry about what he does, as long as he takes care of home
  • Don’t upset him
  • You’re going to be a player
  • Get your money, if you’re going to sleep with someone
  • Always keep you a spare, because everyone cheats

Seemingly harmless statements prove to be just the opposite.

At some point, we have to take ownership for our baggage and choices.  Our learned behaviors are often passed down from generation to generation, and our dysfunctions img_0504become a normality, because accepting and facing the truth means actually having to be accountable.

If two people have been taught the same dysfunctional behaviors, it’s difficult to find balance.  We fight, we become bitter and we look for a scapegoat.  If we’re blessed enough to have someone that was not taught these same behaviors, we emotionally exhaust them, because we become needy, and they not only become a punching bag, but also an emotional receptacle.

Our emotional health has to be a priority.  It will allow us to heal past wounds, release generational curses and function in relationships without fear or waiting for the ball to drop.  The truth really will make you FREE!  Free to LIVE and LOVE on your terms.

If you want to know how I learned to start living my truth, check out my book, My Truth – https://www.amazon.com/My-Truth-Short-Stories-Pain/dp/1478785225/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1508221603&sr=8-1&keywords=my+truth+terry+connor

Terry D.

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This Is Us (The Melting Pot)


Cue the Kleenex please…

The anticipation has been building, and once we saw Sterling K. Brown walk away with img_0323the Emmy, we sat on the edge of our seats, not so patiently awaiting Season 2 of This Is Us!

This show embodies a multitude of layers and facets of love.  It all came by the way of innocence and tragedy – in other words, by God’s design!

This is a show that not only demonstrates that img_0314Black Love is not taboo, but it also defies the stereotypes and shifts the trajectory of how we define love and family.  This is an emotional story that unfolds, and helps viewers to believe in love again.

The death and birth of an infant, would begin this img_0320story of tragedy and triumph of this not so picture perfect American family, as defined by society, but would teach a family that’s not bound by blood, to love without conditions, and equip them with strength for the unexpected.

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Regardless of this Melting Pot Family, it does not negate their love and family dynamic, but rather demonstrates love through the lens of those who feel unloved beyond the lines of color, weight and social status. Their differences are actually what help seal their relationships, without contrived limiting beliefs!

This Is Us teaches us forgiveness and acceptance in the deepest sense!

We’re now a couple of episodes into the new season, and still on the edge of our seats, because it’s so riveting, that it pulls you into their story line, and restores your sense of faith and hope in humanity.

This Is Us airs on NBC on Tuesdays at 9/8 CST

Let me know your thoughts, and please SUBSCRIBE, SHARE, LIKE AND/OR COMMENT!

Terry D.

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Black Women – Believe What You Know, and Not What You’re Told… 


1002695_10152134444508611_891071300_nAs African American women, it’s difficult for some of us to admit that we don’t always love the skin we’re in, but it’s time for us to believe what we know, and not what we’re told and taught.  Our young women and generations to come, lives depend on it…

As black Women, we contend with the systemic racist stereotypes and egregious attempts to keep us pigeonholed into being angry black Women that are only capable of being sexual uneducated beings that have multiple babies, that aren’t capable of competing with img_2347women of other races, let alone, good enough to be a wife! Because of this, we often feel ourselves in survival and “Something to Prove” mode.  Even as we contend to prove ourselves, we also find ourselves being the oppressor of one another, and like so many others, we divide ourselves based on socioeconomic backgrounds.  This is certainly by design, and not by happenstance.
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According to the 2016 Census Bureau, African American Women now top the list of the most educated in the country; and although more than half of black women between the ages of 18 and 24 are enrolled in college, the gender and racial inequality continues.

We have tangible everyday success stories that aren’t being recorded, reported or celebrated:

16298865_711498359011275_6534907517155103023_nThere are so many great historians, literary giants, authors, teachers, entrepreneurs, doctors etc., whose shoulders we stand on, but the good13701014_609668149194297_4673955860864760481_o thing about history is that it not only repeats itself, but it passes the baton.  It’s time to take the next leg of the race.  There are women right now TODAY, that are creating shoulders for future generations.  These will be names that our children’s children’s children will get bragging rights to; Michelle Obama, Maya Angelou, Angela Rye, Oprah Winfrey, Tamron Hall, Jamelle Hill, Tamika Mallory, Shonda Rhimes, Misty Copeland, Ava Duvernay, Issa Rae, Taraji P. Henson, Mara Brock Akil, Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer, Serena 10449521_288568471304268_361698210535019755_nWilliams, Anita Hill, Condoleezza Rice, Lupita Nyong’o, Mae Jemison,13631584_602793649881747_3275936315871618758_n Lena Waithe, and that’s the short list.

These accomplishments should not make us complacent.  We can’t allow a few victories to be enough, because we typically lose our steam after a few wins. We have to continue to speak up when we’re not given deserving roles, when we’re being looked over for awards and promotions and not receiving equal pay.

We also have to learn to celebrate those who aren’t celebrities, but are still killing the game, kicking ass and taking names!

  1. How many black Women do you know that’s excelling in their fields and their entrepreneurial journeys?
  2. How many of us are embracing the essence of who we are (natural hair, curves and skin) without shame?
  3. How many black Women do you know that are happily married?
  4. How many women do you know that have multiple degrees?

18891813_10211907296511092_518154018726291463_oI will celebrate and name a few that I know personally, or am indirectly connected to: Terry D.Cordelia Lewis, Ni Cole Jean, Melissa Smith-Harper, Lazell Pittman, Veleka Meeks, Gina Lamar, Eden Adele, Jamelia Toya Hand, Tene’ Gray, Cheryl Hand-Jiles, Dr. Shante Holley, Dr. Tiffany Michelle Bellamy, Stacey Emerson, Kristin R. Harris, Sherron 14495432_1764392160494371_7628810718134684914_nTurner, Teslyn Butler, Romina Brown, Erika Porter, Tanya Winfield, Yanni Brown, Dr. Ruby Powell, Cameka Smith, Latoya J. Moore, DeAnna Williams, Bonita Maye, Trina Edmunds, Rachel Green, Ariel Simmons, Alice Foy, Dr. Kiarra King, Cynthia Flowers, Shay Mitchell-Gary, Penny Miller, Tonya Biglow, Bridgette Daniels-Thomas, Shiketa Morgan, Valencia Montgomery, Eve Benton, Tammy Brown, Sibyl Holloway, Nicole Howell-Scott, 12240279_510285135808220_4954826358136412469_oJennifer Ashley, Nykki Rae, SharRon Jamison, Ebony Dixon-Truss, Dawj Sangster, Yasmine Brown, Chrishon Lampley, Shuntella Richardson, Tosh 21751336_10213656614866404_8775508300733083557_nPatterson, Larvetta Loftin, Micaela Brown, Amber Johns, Felencia Terrell, Mirion Green, Megan Harper…

 

 

Please like share/comment – Let me know your thoughts

Terry D.

 

Joy and Pain


Our first experience with love starts at a very early age. It shapes our belief in it, or it makes us question everything about it. Our thoughts about love are being formed well before we even understand what true love really is. Our loved ones that mold our thoughts are not aware that they’re creating a generation of curses or blessings.

As we begin to experience love for ourselves, it usually starts out like a fairytale, but we never really come to understand why we pick the lovers we do, or why we react in certain circumstances until a few failed attempts, and we realize it might just be us subconsciously self-sabotaging, because of our limiting beliefs about love and what we do or don’t deserve. It takes time to look within, because it’s difficult to think that something or someone in our childhood could be responsible for our adult dysfunctions and relational behavior.

It’s a cycle of joy and pain, but it definitely teaches us more about who we are, and as we heal, it allows us to be the change that our future generations will benefit from. We’re taught that experience is a good teacher, and I couldn’t agree more, but I also believe that we don’t always have to experience everything first hand.

Terry D.

What are We Learning From Taraji, Viola, Janelle and Octavia? 


First, I have to take a deep breath, and wipe away the tears of joy and pride!  Not just for history unfolding before our eyes, but also for their commitment and passion to channel sisterhood.

Am I the only one who is caught up in this world wind of Black Girl Magic playing out on the screen, and holding my breath waiting to hear their names called for an award for their outstanding performances, because acknowledgment of our performances has not always been the case, but it’s now happening more frequently than not.  While we have a long way to go, we’ve made some amazing strides on the big screen.

So what happened?

These women collaborated and celebrated one another – unapologetically!

They figured out the influence of collaboration and the power of leveraging their platform and voice to maximize the moment. Taraji’s acceptance speech at SAG Awards for Hidden Figures

They didn’t wait for permission, or feel slighted when the other woman won!  They knew that every win was a win for us all!

They figured out that they could definitely accomplish more together, and it would yield them all an opportunity to create and be a part of black and all history.

They didn’t accept practices of the past, but instead, they’re breaking the glass ceilings of the term: #oscarssowhite!

This is NOT a season or a trend.  They’re putting in the work, raising awareness and eyebrows and creating an expectation.  Showing that we can win in more categories than just the stereotypical.  We can win without you just throwing us a bone, and we’re not going anywhere anytime soon!  “If you don’t see what you want, create it!” Unknown

So, what can we learn as black women entrepreneurs? What can we learn as blacks in media? What can we learn as black women, PERIOD?

Be accountable and responsible with your platform!

Taraji COLLABORATION speech

COLLABORATION is not a sin!  We can get so much more accomplished together, and there’s enough for ALL of us!  We celebrate them, but won’t celebrate the very women we know and see hustling everyday.  We don’t have to always physically collaborate, but at least get “yo” Taraji clap on!  Taraji clapping for Viola

Taraji’s spirit is infectious!  She makes you want to be a better you!  These women get why our ancestors worked together!

Our insecurities come from fear, not hatred, or not even that we think someone is better, but it’s the fear that has been taught, because of the handouts that were singular and few and far between, so you have women clawing their way to the top, and stepping on others on their way up!  Gabrielle Union admits why she used to be less than sisterly, and being a mean girl during an acceptance speech.

2Timothy 1:7 God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

We have to learn to clap when it’s not our turn.  Cheer when she wins!  Support when your name isn’t called.

As believers, but we must put our faith where our mouth and heart is, and believe the word of God!  These women have put a tangible mandate before us, and we have a responsibility to continue to pass the baton!

Proverbs 18:16 A man’s gift maketh room for him, and brings him before great men!

Terry D.

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Resist the devil, and he will flee… 


So you’re single and learning to love the skin you’re in.  All is well with you and your singlesness! Until… after some years of purging, healing, forgiveness and restoration, here comes the test – dressed in a nice suit, standing 6’4″ tall, smelling good and saying all the right things.  It’s your EX! 

Well well well… I’m convinced they can smell your “Im over you” a mile away.  Now the prey begins.  See, when you wanted them to be the hunter, they could barely muster up enough energy to even call you once a day. 

One day as you’re minding your own business, you receive a text out of no where – “Hey!” or “I miss you!” You wipe your eyes, and whisper a few choice words in your head, and I’m sure a few out loud!  Now what? Hey? I miss you? Man listen!  You gather your composure, and start to wonder what he wants. Your mind begins to play tricks on you, and you contemplate whether or not to respond.  

Take your fingers off that trigger.

First phase: Reminiscing about the good times, because you’ve conveniently suppressed the bad ones. You say to yourself, “He did kiss good!”  “I remember when…” 

If you stay here too long, you will find yourself back in the saddle, and that kiss doesn’t feel so good, because the reason you initially broke up, will resurface.  The “Hey” text was just to test the waters to see if you would take the bait!  I’m not saying it can’t work, but when someone really wants you, they GO HARD!  They take the risk that you may say no. A grown man will not text you to rekindle or to see if you’re still interested! 

Phase two:  You start looking for at least one person to validate your foolishness and give you the green light to text him back.  You begin sharing this with your girlfriends.  Girl, can you believe he texted me after all of this time?  There will be at least one out of the three that will cosign, but the other two will hell nawwwww you right out of it!  

We look for reasons to respond, and we need someone else to tell us it’s okay. When you have to ask, you already know there’s a problem.

When you’ve gone through a period of purge, healing, forgiveness and restoration, there will always be something or someone to test your grit. It’s up to you what you will and will not allow. Sometimes it’s just to show us our strength, resilience and restraint, and not to punish us, or give us a reason to revisit the pain!  Trust that your healing has equipped you with the ability to see the situation with a different pair of lenses.  

When someone attempts to come back in your life, and they’re not serious, they will automatically notice the change, but they’ll also use every chance they get to remind you of who you used to be, as to attempt to undermine your current mindset. It sometimes becomes the euphoria of the chase and the challenge of changing your no to yes. 

James 4:7 Resist the devil, and he will flee…

We all become vulnerable at times.  Even if the temptation gets the best of you – no worries, you will be able to tap into your source of faith and peace.  It’s doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it just gives you another lesson that will be unambiguous to you in the future.

Terry D.