Category Archives: Unhealthy Relationships

Blogging, Conflict Resolution, healthy relationships, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Parenting, Restoration, Single Ladies, Single Men, Singles, starting over, Unhealthy Relationships

Joy and Pain

April 6, 2017 Terry D. 1 Comment

Our first experience with love starts at a very early age. It shapes our belief in it, or it makes us question everything about it. Our thoughts about love are being formed well before we even understand what true love really is. Our loved ones that mold our thoughts are not aware that they’re creating a generation of curses or blessings.

As we begin to experience love for ourselves, it usually starts out like a fairytale, but we never really come to understand why we pick the lovers we do, or why we react in certain circumstances until a few failed attempts, and we realize it might just be us subconsciously self-sabotaging, because of our limiting beliefs about love and what we do or don’t deserve. It takes time to look within, because it’s difficult to think that something or someone in our childhood could be responsible for our adult dysfunctions and relational behavior.

It’s a cycle of joy and pain, but it definitely teaches us more about who we are, and as we heal, it allows us to be the change that our future generations will benefit from. We’re taught that experience is a good teacher, and I couldn’t agree more, but I also believe that we don’t always have to experience everything first hand.

Terry D.

Black Girl Magic, Conflict Resolution, Dreams and Visions, healthy relationships, Love and Relationships, Unhealthy Relationships

What are We Learning From Taraji, Viola, Janelle and Octavia?

January 31, 2017 Terry D. 1 Comment

First, I have to take a deep breath, and wipe away the tears of joy and pride! Not just for history unfolding before our eyes, but also for their commitment and passion to channel sisterhood.

Am I the only one who is caught up in this world wind of Black Girl Magic playing out on the screen, and holding my breath waiting to hear their names called for an award for their outstanding performances, because acknowledgment of our performances has not always been the case, but it’s now happening more frequently than not. While we have a long way to go, we’ve made some amazing strides on the big screen.

So what happened?

These women collaborated and celebrated one another – unapologetically!

They figured out the influence of collaboration and the power of leveraging their platform and voice to maximize the moment. Taraji’s acceptance speech at SAG Awards for Hidden Figures

They didn’t wait for permission, or feel slighted when the other woman won! They knew that every win was a win for us all!

They figured out that they could definitely accomplish more together, and it would yield them all an opportunity to create and be a part of black and all history.

They didn’t accept practices of the past, but instead, they’re breaking the glass ceilings of the term: #oscarssowhite!

This is NOT a season or a trend. They’re putting in the work, raising awareness and eyebrows and creating an expectation. Showing that we can win in more categories than just the stereotypical. We can win without you just throwing us a bone, and we’re not going anywhere anytime soon! “If you don’t see what you want, create it!” Unknown

So, what can we learn as black women entrepreneurs? What can we learn as blacks in media? What can we learn as black women, PERIOD?

Be accountable and responsible with your platform!

Taraji COLLABORATION speech

COLLABORATION is not a sin! We can get so much more accomplished together, and there’s enough for ALL of us! We celebrate them, but won’t celebrate the very women we know and see hustling everyday. We don’t have to always physically collaborate, but at least get “yo” Taraji clap on! Taraji clapping for Viola

Taraji’s spirit is infectious! She makes you want to be a better you! These women get why our ancestors worked together!

Our insecurities come from fear, not hatred, or not even that we think someone is better, but it’s the fear that has been taught, because of the handouts that were singular and few and far between, so you have women clawing their way to the top, and stepping on others on their way up! Gabrielle Union admits why she used to be less than sisterly, and being a mean girl during an acceptance speech.

2Timothy 1:7 God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

We have to learn to clap when it’s not our turn. Cheer when she wins! Support when your name isn’t called.

As believers, but we must put our faith where our mouth and heart is, and believe the word of God! These women have put a tangible mandate before us, and we have a responsibility to continue to pass the baton!

Proverbs 18:16 A man’s gift maketh room for him, and brings him before great men!

Terry D.

African American Dating, Blogging, Breakups, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Forgiveness, healthy relationships, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Men & Love, Restoration, Single Ladies, Single Men, Singles, starting over, Unhealthy Relationships

Resist the devil, and he will flee…

January 12, 2017 Terry D. Leave a comment

So you’re single and learning to love the skin you’re in. All is well with you and your singleness! Until… after some years of purging, healing, forgiveness and restoration, here comes the test – dressed in a nice suit, standing 6’4″ tall, smelling good and saying all the right things. It’s your EX!

Well well well… I’m convinced they can smell your “Im over you” a mile away. Now the prey begins. See, when you wanted them to be the hunter, they could barely muster up enough energy to even call you once a day.

One day as you’re minding your own business, you receive a text out of no where – “Hey!” or “I miss you!” You wipe your eyes, and whisper a few choice words in your head, and I’m sure a few out loud! Now what? Hey? I miss you? Man listen! You gather your composure, and start to wonder what he wants. Your mind begins to play tricks on you, and you contemplate whether or not to respond.

Take your fingers off that trigger.

First phase: Reminiscing about the good times, because you’ve conveniently suppressed the bad ones. You say to yourself, “He did kiss good!” “I remember when…”

If you stay here too long, you will find yourself back in the saddle, and that kiss doesn’t feel so good, because the reason you initially broke up, will resurface. The “Hey” text was just to test the waters to see if you would take the bait! I’m not saying it can’t work, but when someone really wants you, they GO HARD! They take the risk that you may say no. A grown man will not text you to rekindle or to see if you’re still interested!

Phase two: You start looking for at least one person to validate your foolishness and give you the green light to text him back. You begin sharing this with your girlfriends. Girl, can you believe he texted me after all of this time? There will be at least one out of the three that will cosign, but the other two will hell nawwwww you right out of it!

We look for reasons to respond, and we need someone else to tell us it’s okay. When you have to ask, you already know there’s a problem.

When you’ve gone through a period of purge, healing, forgiveness and restoration, there will always be something or someone to test your grit. It’s up to you what you will and will not allow. Sometimes it’s just to show us our strength, resilience and restraint, and not to punish us, or give us a reason to revisit the pain! Trust that your healing has equipped you with the ability to see the situation with a different pair of lenses.

When someone attempts to come back in your life, and they’re not serious, they will automatically notice the change, but they’ll also use every chance they get to remind you of who you used to be, as to attempt to undermine your current mindset. It sometimes becomes the euphoria of the chase and the challenge of changing your no to yes.

James 4:7 Resist the devil, and he will flee…

We all become vulnerable at times. Even if the temptation gets the best of you – no worries, you will be able to tap into your source of faith and peace. It’s doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it just gives you another lesson that will be unambiguous to you in the future.

Terry D.

Anger Management, Black Girl Magic, Black Girls Rock, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Forgiveness, healthy relationships, Journeys, Restoration, starting over, Unhealthy Relationships

Mo’Nique And Loni Love Have Emotional Reconciliation On ‘The Real’ — HelloBeautiful

November 5, 2016 Terry D. Leave a comment

Repairing Relationships between US (Black Girls)

Often things are said out of frustration, or without all of the information, but not always with malice. Do we take the time to repair, or do we just judge and remove ourselves? Monique was mature enough to go to the source, not spew hatred and spread rumors and allow things to snowball out of control, but to express her disdain and allow healing and restoration.

Consider the one time that you may have said something you didn’t mean, or allowed something that was not meant to be slander, but was taken out of context.

I can completely identify, because I recently had a friendship to almost end. Not because of anything that was said, but because of our lack of communication. I thought more of my friendship than I did of my pride. No one is perfect – not even you… USE YOUR WORDS – I’m sorry! I was wrong! Thank you! Forgive me! I understand! I forgive you! Healing starts with you.

Terry D.

Mo’Nique recently stopped by “The Real” and had an emotional reconciliation with co-host Loni Love. The Almost Christmas actress opened up about a misunderstanding the two had and how they eventually got past it in a healthy and mature way. “The reason Loni and I had to hold onto each other for minute is because we could have experienced a horrible…

via Mo’Nique And Loni Love Have Emotional Reconciliation On ‘The Real’ — HelloBeautiful

Anger Management, Blogging, Breakups, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Dreams and Visions, healthy relationships, Insecurities, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Single Men, Single Mothers, Singles, starting over, Unhealthy Relationships

I’m NOT Perfect, but I’m Authentically and Unapologetically ME

April 14, 2016 Terry D. 8 Comments

Nope, I’m not perfect, but I am authentically ME!

I’ve made so many mistakes in love, life and relationships. I used to regret my choices, but every single experience was a lesson that shaped me to be ME! We get so hung up on our past, our mistakes, what others think of us and we don’t forgive ourselves. God never said that weapons wouldn’t form, He just said they would not prosper. My purpose is to help others discover their purpose, and to be a tool in their healing and restoration!

I used to think I wasn’t worthy of someone loving me, because I hadn’t learned my worth, and I didn’t know how to love myself. I have constantly been judged for my choices, but I had to learn not to internalize it. It’s easier for others to judge you, and honestly, that’s their problem.

I openly share my life, love and relationship mistakes, because I had to learn not to be ashamed or a victim. We all make mistakes, but we all deserve second chances.

When I ended up homeless, I couldn’t understand why?!?!?!?
When I stayed in a relationship for almost 14 years, on and off, knowing it wasn’t healthy, I questioned my sanity and worth
When I found myself in a pool of blood with a slit wrist, I thought it was over for me

In every single circumstance that I just listed above, came some great lessons and blessings! Sounds crazy, right?

I wrote a proposal to my church for a clothing closet to assist women in shelters, because I was once a recipient, and I wanted to give back, and teach those women that your circumstances don’t define your fate or YOU!

That relationship almost broke me. I didn’t trust anyone, but I also didn’t give up on love. I didn’t stop believing in good men, but most importantly, I am now helping others in their journey, and I’m able to share How I Survived!

In the blink of an eye, I saw myself possibly being taken out. I had to make a decision to change my life, or lose it. I watched my two children look at me with tears in their eyes, as I was carried out on a stretcher with tubes everywhere, with my hands restrained, so that I wouldn’t hurt myself, and it was in that moment that I knew I had a greater purpose, and that my life was not my own! I had to pick up the pieces and start being accountable.

To say the least, none of this was pleasant, but I’ve learned to appreciate that God’s plans are not my plans. I won’t apologize, because I’m me, and I continue to learn and grow.

Don’t allow others to hold your past over you. It was just a test run…

Terry D.

African American Dating, Blogging, Breakups, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, healthy relationships, Insecurities, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Single Men, Singles, starting over, Unhealthy Relationships

You Still Attract the Same People, Because You’re Living A Lie

February 6, 2016 Terry D. Leave a comment

We often ask ourselves so many questions as to why we’re single? Why we keep entering into bad relationships? What is it about me that keeps attracting the same men/women? What or who is the common thread? Y – O – UUUUUUU! Are you accountable for you and your actions/choices? Women like to believe that it’s because there are no good men. Maybe there are some men that don’t want a monogamous relationship, but those are the men that you stay away from. Instead, we continue to entertain them, and wonder why our relationships fail. Men think that some women are after their money. Well, if you don’t want that, stop flexing like you’re a baller, and get mad when thirsty women flock to you.

“Our consequences are often the result of our irresponsible choices!” Coach Terry D.

It feels good to say, “I’m no longer going to accept BS from anyone.” However, saying it, and actually living it is a different story. You’re changed and taking no prisoners, right? Sometimes, we have to take inventory of ourselves, and not others. If there are still pieces of you that haven’t let go of the OLD you, for fear of not being attractive; you’ll still be attractive, and you will also stop attracting the same kinds of people. You can’t live an inward lie, and walk around trying to fool the public. It’s like telling people you’re celibate, but that’s only because you don’t have anyone. The real test comes when you are in a relationship, and you still stick to your commitment of celibacy.

You want change?
Start with you…
Look in the mirror, and tell yourself the cold hard truth. I mean the things you would probably never admit to anyone else. The things that will even make you look at yourself crazy. If you know you’ve been using sex to get what you want, admit it to yourself, and pray for deliverance of promiscuity and insecurity. If you lust after someone else’s man, look inside of you, to learn why. Sometimes we’ve lied to ourselves so long, that it feels better to accept the lie, rather than face our truths, because it doesn’t feel good to think that we could be the problem.

Write down all the things you did wrong in past relationships – NOT THE OTHER PERSON! This is a purge, a self-proclamation, a faith walk, healing, repentance, accountability and STARTING OVER! You can have affirmations, and lie to yourself all you want, but if you don’t honestly make real changes; I mean character changes, and not get into a relationship until you have earnestly made these changes, you will have a long road ahead of you that yields repetitive results of heartbreak.

You have to be ready to receive the relationship that you desire. You have to be a woman or man about yours, and know when someone is or is not good for you, and be willing to let go, and know that this was just a test run, and not feel the need to answer to anyone else, or live your life based on expectations of others.

You’ll know when you’ve turned the corner, because you feel the change inside of you. The conviction will be in your spirit. You’re no longer attracted to the same things, sex is not the driving force in your quest to relationships, you will begin to attract the kind of men/women that you want, and be able to say no to the ones you’re not equally yoked with. Love really is not as hard as we make it. We stumble our way through the dark, trying to make it perfect! It wasn’t meant to be perfect, it is meant to serve you both in the capacity that makes you happy, shows mutual respect, protects and guards the heart, forgives and trust.

If anything in this BLOG has resonated with you, or maybe you know someone that can benefit from it, please share, and let me know your thoughts. Thank you!

Coach Terry D.

Anger Management, Blogging, Breakups, Conflict Resolution, Dreams and Visions, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Single Ladies, Single Men, Singles, starting over, Unhealthy Relationships

EXHALE

January 18, 2016 Terry D. Leave a comment

When do you EXHALE? Do you hold your breath until you find love, or until it finds you? When the experience of love has broken you so many times, you begin to question its legitimacy. You wonder if everyone is lying, because all of your encounters with love have left you feeling undesirable, depleted and nothing like what you’ve been shown or told.

Love is real, but for so many men and women, it feels unattainable. If you question its validity, people question your faith, as if you’re not allowed room for error. To be completely honest, I’ve struggled with love, and what it means to me, and if I would ever experience it in its entirety. When I was in my early 20’s, I never had a problem with cutting off someone, and never looking back, but I attribute that to lust and immaturity. As I got older, I began to experience real love, and it wasn’t as easy to walk away, but eventually after multiple breakups and going more than 12 rounds with the same person, I would let go. I’m not going to lie and say it was easy, because it was not. There are many reasons why some stay longer than others. (i.e. addiction, insecurities) Yes, you can be addicted to a person, or have an addictive personality.

It’s challenging for some to understand how to EXHALE, how to let go and how to make difficult decisions, whether it be to stay or leave through all the BS, without feeling judged! Why? Because they see people not always being honest about their struggles in their own relationships. We live in a society where marriage equals instant happiness, or single after a certain age, means you’re damaged goods, so FOOLS rush in, without all the facts.

We put unnecessary pressures on ourselves, by trying to live up to a distorted view of reality. Relationship Coach, Terry D.

If we’re completely honest, we can admit that we ALL have made some bad choices, but that doesn’t mean we’re not worthy, or that we don’t get a second chance. Yes, we should hold ourselves to higher standards, but not so high, that we don’t forgive ourselves. So the question is not when do you EXHALE, but How do I EXHALE? By letting yourself off the hook, taking a deep breath, and accepting the fact that SHIT happens! Stop worrying about what others think. You have to free your heart up for love. Guess what? You may just make the same mistake again, but you will also now have the previous experience as a reference. Yes, it’s true, we learn from our mistakes, but it may take more than one, BUT don’t allow others to judge you for your choices.

How do you know if you have EXHALED?

You find yourself no longer holding grudges
You don’t keep returning to the scene of the crime (the reason you’re unhappy)
You no longer carry the guilt
You’re able to freely share your story without being angry
You are now considering love again

There’s no formula for love, but the ONE thing you must do is persevere! The moment you give up, or give into your fears, you have allowed the enemy to win. Relationship Coach, Terry D.

Coach Terry D.

African American Dating, Blogging, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Interracial Relationships, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Single Men, Singles, Unhealthy Relationships

Don’t Believe the Hype – Black Women Are NOT Doomed When It Comes to Marriage

January 12, 2016 Terry D. Leave a comment

There has been a great deal of stories looming about Black Women and their singleness, or lack of chances to get married. An African-American Author, Ralph Richard Banks wrote a book entitled, Is Marriage for White People? : How the African-American Marriage Decline affects everyone. In this non-fiction book, he writes, “Single is the new black!” He also recommends that African-American women open themselves up to be willing to enter serious relationships with men of other races and backgrounds, and he argues this will improve black men and women alike. Needless to say, the African-American community strongly disagrees, but there are some that would argue this same case. There are statistics out there that say that 42.4 % of African-American Women will not get married, which is from an old US, Census. In 2014 the US Census Bureau cited; 86% of
Black Men have a Black Wife, and 94% Black Women have a Black Husband.

We also have a video circulating, The Myth of the Single Black Female, which gives you an insight into how the media has spread this information for years, and how we as blacks are accepting this as our truth. The disparity in the numbers are alarming. WHO ARE THEY TALKING TO?

It seems to me that the more educated African-American men and women are, the more attractive and accepted they are to other races, even in the case of them not intellectually measuring up themselves. As blacks, we have begun to feed into these fallacies and consider other races as a prize, and the more we attain, the further away we move away from our own men and women. We expect more and place more stipulations on black men and women that we date, than we do on non-blacks. We have to be a certain kind of dresser, we have to look a certain way, our hair has to be a certain way, and even after all these years, we still are battling color lines within our own race. The Light vs. Dark! That is a stigma that goes back to slavery days, where the light were allowed in the house, while the dark had to stay outside.

The problem lies within our own issues within our culture. Our inability to identify what we lack, and that it is not as complicated as others would have us to think. As long as someone can plant a seed of negativity, and make Black Women Believe That It’s Time to Give Up on Black Men is misguided and disrespectful.

None of this is to suggest that there is a problem with interracial relationships in the least bit, but it does raise the question, of why we’re led to believe that within our own community, that we believe it’s okay to mistreat black men and women, or judge them, just because you choose not to be with them. It creates a form of dissension and resentment. Your mother, sister, aunt and not to mention, your daughters are watching and taking notes.

African American Couples who are making it work, despite the statistics and stereotypes:

Jada & Will Smith

President Obama & First Lady Michelle Obama

What are your thoughts?

Coach Terry D.

Blogging, Breakups, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Love and Relationships, Men & Love, Single Ladies, Single Men, Singles, Unhealthy Relationships

What’s Wrong With Me?

May 8, 2015 Terry D. Leave a comment

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I find true love? Why does it seem like it’ll never happen for me, and what am I doing wrong? I see everyone else prospering in love, but I feel so hopeless…

There’s nothing wrong with you, you just have to be true to you, and not be a repetitive lover. What does that mean? Evaluate what has NOT worked for you, and do the polar opposite.

You can’t find love, because you’re looking! STOP chasing love. It will come to you! Timing is everything. We become impatient, and take matters into our own hands. God has a plan for us, and if we’re honest, we haven’t done a great job so far.

We focus so much on what others have, and lose sight of what we actually have ourselves. People only let you see what they want – you can’t judge a book by its cover, and your love is yours to experience…

We want love, but when it comes to sticking to our guns, we lose all sense of self. I know it’s been a while, but that doesn’t mean to lose your values, panties and mind, as soon as someone gives you a little attention. There is actually someone that will give you exactly what you want, but you have to stand firm on what you want and believe. Trust what you have to offer, and it will speak for itself, and attract the same.

I’m guilty too, and here’s what I’ve learned:

No matter how much you give of yourself, if that person isn’t ready, it won’t work.
It only makes you question love, relationships and your ability to make sound decisions.
It makes you bitter!
You end up in multiple, unstable and dead end relationships.
You create soul ties that are hard to break.

If you want a man that’s a Christian, don’t kick it at clubs every weekend, and don’t fall for, “I don’t go like I should.” This is an excuse and evasive of the truth.

If you want the love you truly deserve, start standing up for you, stop lying about what you want, and that person will love you and won’t blink or think twice about answering the call!

Terry D. ❤️

Blogging, Breakups, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Dreams and Visions, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Singles, Unhealthy Relationships

He Didn’t Lie to You – You Chose Not to Listen

April 20, 2015 Terry D. Leave a comment

Nope, he didn’t lie, but what you heard, and what you thought you would change, are two different things! Don’t set yourself up for failure! People will tell you the truth several times, in several different ways, exactly who they are, and what they want, but we don’t take it at face value, because they continue to hang out with us, because they know their intentions, and just might not care enough to protect yours. People feel like, if they tell you their intentions, and you stay, you’re good with it.

People change when they’re ready, and for the person who inspires them to. It has nothing to do with you, because regardless of all our efforts to try and make this person see how amazing you are, or how good you can be together, it has to be reciprocated and felt from both ends.

One thing I’ve learned to be a fact is, men and women don’t have to spend an inordinate amount of time together, to evaluate what they want. Women almost know from the first date, if she’s going to sleep with you, and he knows if he values you enough to make you a priority and his only! There aren’t really any gray areas there. Now of course, we continue to grow together and our feelings change, we become more involved, but if we’re completely honest, sometimes you’re just a filler; and its up to you to decide if you’re okay with that…

Terry D.