Category Archives: Unhealthy Relationships

STOP Living the LIE…


STOP living the lie… 

There are countless women in unsatisfying, unhealthy and deadend relationships, but are afraid to own up to it.  When you begin to shine a light on relationship woes, people begin to shy away from  the subject for fear of being exposed.  I completely understand, because I was once one of those women. Here’s a brief insight of what my unhealthy relationship looked like:

On the surface, my relationship appeared ideal, and although some of my friends knew of my sleepless nights and tear-stained pillow, I did a pretty good job at concealing the truth.  No matter how much I lived through this lie, the proof was in the pudding.  Although I was in a relationship, I felt like I was single.  In my heart I knew I didn’t belong with him, but somehow justified it on every turn.  I allowed what others thought of me to dictate my status.  All the examples I saw of healthy relationships had no resemblance to my own, but I kept up the appearance in order to avoid the questions, judgement and stigmas that came along with being single.  Every time we fought (not physically) or argued, I played out in my head how I would end it for good this time, but always found a reason to stay a little longer, just chipping away at my spirit.  I’m sure there are other ladies who live this same lackluster life.  Just know that you don’t have to, because at the end of the day, you are in control of  your heart.  Most of the times, others will tell you to stay because of their own fear, inability or lack of strength to leave.  Sometimes it’s just because we don’t always know how to leave!  I once had a really close friend of mine to tell me that when I was ready I would leave, because she had been through the same thing.  Well, she was right.  When I was ready, I left and never looked back.  The truth is, the emotional and mental abuse was a nightmare.  I can’t compare it to physical abuse, because I’ve never experienced that, but I felt like I was being hit daily, because it took  years to heal.

The compelling similarities that stick out like a sore thumb in your failed relationship, will definitely hit home.  Truth be told, if you’ve been in a relationship, good or bad, we all have a story to tell.  I’ve learned that my honesty about my experiences have intrigued others to want to know more, and look to me as their confidant and for advice. As I continue to use my life experiences and journeys to be a tool to help others, I discover new things about myself along the way as well.  If you don’t use your test as testimonies, you’re blocking someone else’s blessing of being released.   

The thing about our relationship behaviors is, we tend to think if we have repeated relationship failures that we are just dysfunctional beings, who have bad karma, or just will never get it right.    Nothing could be further from the truth.  It’s painful to think that our parents, siblings or some other relative could be the root cause to our behaviors and decision-making.  The truth of the matter is, it’s actually the reason we act the way we do, but it doesn’t have to be the reason we remain this way.  Other times, we just make bad decisions.   Sometimes, just simply identifying the initiating factor can be an eye opener.  Let me offer you a few tools that were instrumental in my road to healing:

  • Don’t be afraid to admit that you’ve failed at a relationship
  • Admit your part you played in the relationship failing
  • Stop beating up on yourself and claiming doom on future relationships
  • Get the naysayers out of your head (they will make you believe you’re not worthy of love & get on a self-pity wagon with you)
  • Make sure you have a support base (family, friends)
  • Surround yourself with people who love you and will tell you what you need to hear, and not what you want to hear
  • Talk to somebody(professional or otherwise)
  • Listen and apply the advice that is offered to you
  • Forgive him (easier said than done, but this is key to your freedom)
  • Begin spending time around others with healthy relationships and ask questions on how they sustain the happiness
  • Do YOU for a while ALONE

-Terry D.

Pick your Battles


Why do we insist on creating unnecessary strife, both consciously and subconsciously?  We need to pick our battles, because every situation does not warrant an argument or screaming match.  Most of our aggressive behavior toward resolution comes from how we saw others in our families or those closest to us resolve disputes.  We have to choose which path we will take in order to maintain the peace, as well as our sanity.  They say, “That sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  I completely disagree, because words can cut like a two edge sword.   Sometimes it’s like an out-of-body experience that takes over and we begin shooting below the belt, and these are things that we can’t take back no matter how hard we try. 

After we retire to our separate corners and think about all that has transpired, we replay each horrific word that was exchanged and a sense of regret comes over us, wishing we could have a do over.  The sad part about it is, each time we go through this, we know what the end result will be, but can’t seem to control our erratic emotions. 

More than not, the arguments stem from something that has nothing to do with him/her, but as simple as having a bad day at work, or someone else has made you upset for the day, but we bring all this excess baggage home with us.  If these are things that you have identified as triggers, you can make the decision to take some quiet time to yourself until you have calmed down.  This way, you can discuss what made you upset, and your mate can offer solace and not feel like they’re being attacked.  He/She is not the enemy! 

The simple things we argue about:

  • The infamous toilet seat
  • Dinner choices
  • Temperature of  the house
  • What to watch on television

The first thing you must do is sit down and calmly discuss the reasons for the disputes and find a better way to discuss them without flaring tempers.  As mature adults, you have to make the decision of what’s more important, you winning or your relationship.  The core reason why the argument continues is because we want to have the last word.  If you feel you are not able to resolve your disputes without it escalating, it’s time to get some professional help and get to the root of the real problem.  You will find that the disputes usually stem from something deeper than what’s on the surface.

Pick your battles and learn to walk away.  It’s perfectly okay to apologize, even if you feel you were right!  Compromise and humility goes a long way!

-Terry D.