Tag Archives: Adult Relationships

These Are My Confessions


these are my confessionsHow many of us are willing to admit that the failure of love has kept us up at night, or caused us to even cry ourselves to sleep?  I have loved and lost, and even swore off love, but then I find myself right back in the trenches of wanting to share my heart with someone else, but often feeling trapped from the fear of losing it again.  We’re told that we should love ourselves enough to not allow someone else not to, but it’s not always so easy now is it?  We don’t always feel comfortable confessing that we don’t always want to be so strong, but instead, we want to feel sorry for ourselves, just for a moment.   Even though it doesn’t solve anything, it’s a temporary satisfaction that helps for now…

In my journey, I find myself meeting others that are ready to bandaged heartexplode, because they walk around for years, with bottled up lies of how they really feel when they broke up with someone, afraid to admit that they stayed longer than they should have, or that they even think about getting back with someone that might not be good for them, or maybe have even done it, but feel ashamed to admit this, and is emotionally isolated in their actions, because of their fear of judgment.    Some of our behaviors are subconscious, but it will take someone that can identify with you, and be able to accept you for you.

It’s not that we’re not capable of loving ourselves; we just really have to be honest, and accept that we are NOT perfect, and we will not live up to all the pressures that are placed upon us.  So damn what if you slip up.  You won’t be the first or last.  Here’s the thing – the only reason we’re afraid to share our relationship botches, is because the other people you’re talking to, are not always telling you the whole truth either, and we think we’re in this alone, and let’s be honest, people feel better, if it’s not them failing.  Sometimes we feel like a loser, when we tell “Our TRUTH!”

Love is not exact, and you may screw it up more than once, and yes you have to learn to love you, but you have to figure out how to do that, and as long as you’re honest with yourself, you will feel less worried about pleasing others, and get back to the business of navigating your own missteps and letting yourself off the hook when it doesn’t go exactly as planned.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, you just have to learn to meet others and yourself exactly where you are right now!

In the words of Usher, “These are my confessions.”

Terry D.

Love, Being Single & The Holidays


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The Holidays can be tough for singles.  This is when you see so much love being exemplified among families and even strangers, but the flip side to that is, it is such a depressing time for singles to watch couples relish in their love.

 

1.  If you’re single, spend time with family and friends, attend holiday parties, go to church functions and keep yourself busy.  Try to focus on all the many blessings that you have, instead of what you don’t have.  When we keep our focus positive, and not allow idle minds to become the devil’s workshop, the possibilities are endless, and who knows, maybe the “single” life may be a distant memory.

 2.  Volunteer your time to those less fortunate, because as we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, there is always someone that is worse off than us.  This usually puts things in perspective for us.  Count your blessings…

3.  I don’t suggest listening to sad music, or watching sad movies.  As much as Christmas music and movies can be very heartwarming, they can also be just as depressing, and way too self-reflective on our failed relationships. Songs like, “What do the lonely do at Christmas,” just adds fuel to the fire.  I love Christmas movies, but they can offer unrealistic offerings that just further piss you off.

4.  What usually helps me is, journaling.  No matter how bad it seems, when I can compare and reflect on where I was a year ago, I’m always grateful for my blessings and progression.

5.  Last, but not least – OKAY, this is thinking outside the box, but I suggest googling singles groups in your area, because you are never as alone as you think you are.  In order to get things you’ve never had, you’ve got to be willing to do things you’ve never done!

REMEMBER THAT FORGIVENESS IS YOUR FREEDOM TO RELEASING YOUR FEAR AND SECURING YOUR FUTURE!

NOW, let’s get started to a happier and healthier holiday season!  Even if you feel sad for a moment, just remember, it won’t last forever, and that your future is so much brighter than your past!

Terry D.

The Comfort of a Touch


It’s not always easy to admit that we enjoy the comfort of a touch. intimacy It’s not always about sex, but just that touch.  When you have been  single for so long, and you finally start dating again, and that first hug, that first kiss, is what makes you exhale, like a sigh of relief.  Almost as if you melt into that person’s arms, and sometimes we do get it confused with the sex, because it’s been such a long time, and one thing leads to another, and there you are, with regrets, because all you really wanted was to feel the touch of that man or woman.  There is no turning back now, because you can’t quite figure out how to explain it to the other person, because you don’t even know how to explain it to yourself, or how you even arrived at this place.

How do you figure this out, without offending the other person?  What if they were in the same place, and didn’t know how to talk to you about it also?  You sort through your words, and you start the conversation, but tread lightly, because it can leave a person feeling used, or it can make them turn to only wanting sex with you.  You can start off by telling them that you really enjoyed the moment you shared, but not sure that you want to have a physical relationship, and that you know from experience, that how you start, is how you finish.  Sure, there are rare occasions, where it doesn’t always end this way, but because you like them, you would like to take a step back, and really get to know them on a different level.  All you can do, is hope that they are on the same page, or at least that they care enough to relate.  This is a touchy conversation, and can go either way.

I’ve learned through some lost relationships and lessons, that if you really want something with someone, you will hold off on having sex.  Yes, I know that sex should be after marriage, but that’s not always the case, so I like to make sure that I’m covering all bases.  See, when you’ve met that special someone, they will be willing to take the scenic route.  That’s not to say that they don’t desire you, but it’s just not the #1 priority.  When you bond with someone on a different level, and you can be friends, laugh with and at one another, share stories that you may have never shared with anyone else and build trust, everything else is a slam dunk.

I’ll share an inside story:  I remember when I was in my early 20’s and I met a gentleman 15 years my senior.  We met, bonded and he showed me the world through his eyes.  It was such an experience and eye opener to life and love; and sex had not even entered into the picture.  We spent almost every night together.  When we finally became intimate, it wasn’t the adrenaline that you’re used to, but it was mind blowing to me, because the bond had already been created, and I’m pretty sure that neither of us could do no wrong.

Take your time to get to know someone, and never think that sex can keep them, because if they’re not into you, it really doesn’t matter how you start or finish, but at least you know you kept your character and values in tact.

Terry D.

The Journey…


Laugh together…

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Play together…

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Cuddle…

Cuddle

Don’t stop dating…

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Never take the little things for granted…

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Terry D.

The Love We Lost


No, life is not the same, and yes, life is more complicated now, and there are way more variables that are in play now, but let’s talk about the foundations that were not negotiable, when our parents dated, the ones they hoped to pass onto us, and how they held their marriages together, in spite of…

None of these  lessons start when you’re grown.  These values are put into motion early.  If we want change, if we want the divorce rate to decrease, and the marriage rate to increase  among African-Americans, we have to be the change agents!

seedThe Foundation – They Took Us To Church

All of us knew that Sunday morning was reserved for church.  For that matter, a few more days of the week as well.  Even if we didn’t want to be there, we went, participated, and the seed was being planted and rooted, but somehow along the way, we began giving our children a choice, as we attended service on Sunday, as they stayed home and slept.  Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

The Parents Were Involvedfamily

You couldn’t just pick up a young lady, by blowing the horn, and before you started leaving the house together, there definitely had to be several supervised dates at the house.  They did things together with the family, so that everyone could get to know the character of this young man.  If he didn’t seem to have her best interest at heart, it wouldn’t be long before he was no longer allowed to come around, and even if the daughter was hurt, she respected her parents, because she knew there were consequences.

daddydaughterThe Father Made It Crystal Clear of What was NOT Going to Happen, While Someone Dated His Daughter. 

When a young lady brought home a young man for her parents to meet, the father and the brothers made sure he saw them, and let their presence be known, and the unconditional love they had for her.  Just in case he wanted to disrespect her, by calling her names, put his hands on her or step out-of-pocket for any reason, he knew he would have someone to answer to.  We have to be unapologetic in teaching equal respect to not only our daughters, but also our sons.  It will be reluctantly acknowledged, mimicked and appreciated later.

They Taught Us About Love, Through Actiongrowingold

We may have seen them fight, but we also saw them work through it, and honor their vows. When things got a bit thick, that’s when the foundation helped, because that ‘s when you saw/heard Mama praying.  They loved us enough to discipline us, when we were wrong.  The main component to their love, was that they didn’t fight for power, they shared.

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Sometimes, just the basics may be not be enough, but God has always been enough, and that is where the love begins.  You have to put the work in, because our children really do imitate our actions.  It means something to attend church with your parents, It means something to see functional relationships as  a child, it means something to know that love begins at home and it definitely means a whole hell of a lot, when you can use these same tools to keep that foundation together.  

IMAGES CREDIT:  GOOGLE

I would love to hear your thoughts or experiences.  Please leave your comments below!

Terry D.

Why Is It Easier to Have Sex than to Discuss It?


After having a conversation on face book, I realized that it is very difficult for Adults to have conversations about sex.  I know that because there are 0 to few responses when there are posts about Sex.  I’m not suggesting anyone air their dirty laundry, but the conversations have to be had, and can be done maturely!  If we had just as much difficulty when actually engaging in the act, maybe there would be less STD’s and single parents.  Sex plays an important role in most relationships, although it shouldn’t control the relationship.  Both men and women expect that the other person should know what they want or like, without ever telling them.  If you decide to engage in sex without even discussing it, there are definitely a number of variables involved.  Communicating your needs, wants, likes, dislikes and limits could avoid an inordinate amount of heartache.

  1. Have you discussed your form of contraception? Condoms can break – does the woman use other forms of birth control?
  2. What if there are medical conditions that limit their performance?
  3. What if the other person doesn’t have as healthy of a sex drive as you?  When you’ve vested time in this person, now you feel stuck and unsatisfied.
  4. What if the person has been assaulted as a child, or even an adult and now has intimacy issues?  This would be good to know and address and be able to work through and get counseling.
  5. Has the person ever had any STD’s?  Even though (I HOPE) you’re using protection, this would definitely be something good to know.
  6. Do you either of you have orgasm issues?  If this is the case, it can certainly make your partner feel inadequate if they struggle in this arena.
  7. Are you monogamous or sleeping with other people?  You need to establish the commitment level of your relationship.  This is one of the biggest misconceptions, because there are assumptions when it comes to whether or not you’re in an “Open” relationship.

While this is not a complete list of things to be discussed, it certainly can help to begin the conversations.  It all boils down to lack of communication.  If sex is used as your form of communication, when all HELL breaks loose and other things aren’t going to so well, the silent pain points are magnified and we begin to focus on all of the other person’s weaknesses.

Instead of couples having these conversations with one another, they go and tell their friends or the person they decided to cheat with because of their dissatisfaction.  The only thing your friends can do is listen or give their advice without knowing the entire story.  If you choose to cheat with someone because you say you’re not satisfied, you’ll never receive the appropriate advice or help, because of the selfish motives of that person.

More than not, we cause our own relationship issues by lack of communicating our needs.  If we knew the answers to these questions before deciding to engage in sex, maybe we could decided before hand if we even wanted to…

After I realized all the soul ties connected to sexual relationships, I finally understood why God commands us to wait until we’re married!

-Terry D.