Tag Archives: Communication

eBook – It’s Not That Complicated


*NEW EBOOK ALERT*

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CHECK OUT MY LATEST eBook, on the TOP 10 Dating Tips for Men & Women – It’s NOT that Complicated

Dating should never be a chore, and is NOT a cure for loneliness…

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Why Closure Can Help & Hurt


There will be some that will argue the position that it’s almost impossible to transition into your next phase of life without closing the last chapter, and others who will say that closure is absolutely not necessary.

“Not receiving closure is toughest when the breakup is unexpected!”

img_2115If you’re in the majority who absolutely require closure, you should definitely allow some time before that conversation takes place, because if it’s too soon, the wounds are still fresh, and you want resolve, not more fighting and blame. When that conversation does take place, you have to earnestly be prepared for their, “Why!” Even if you don’t agree, it doesn’t make it any less valid.

When you’re the person looking for closure, but the other person has moved on, and you want answers, you may never get that expected apology.  If you were the one dumped, you are more apt to be the one blaming the other person for the failure of the relationship, but when that conversation takes place, you may find they hold you accountable as well, because they now have nothing to lose, so they’re willing to have a no holds barred dialogue.  They may also point out some not so desirable characteristics about you, that should have previously been discussed, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t.  Closure helps, because inherently; when you don’t receive the answers you have already disposed, it creates a sense of insecurity, because it makes you question your worth.

It is my opinion that no matter the explanation, it will not be an acceptable one, but it gives you an opportunity to vent, ask questions and express your frustrations. We can’t force anyone to have that conversation with us, and we certainly can’t expect the person that hurt us, to also help heal us.  It could be as simple as they’re just not into you. There’s no science to handling heartbreak, but time and forgiveness will aid in your road to healing.

It’s difficult to trust when we don’t get closure, and if that’s the case, give yourself time to heal, and be honest with yourself about what you could have done differently, because after you replay the conversation in your head, and you’ve had an opportunity to calm down, you might find some validity in what was said, and this will help you in your growth for your next relationship.

Terry D.

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Black Women – Believe What You Know, and Not What You’re Told… 


1002695_10152134444508611_891071300_nAs African American women, it’s difficult for some of us to admit that we don’t always love the skin we’re in, but it’s time for us to believe what we know, and not what we’re told and taught.  Our young women and generations to come, lives depend on it…

As black Women, we contend with the systemic racist stereotypes and egregious attempts to keep us pigeonholed into being angry black Women that are only capable of being sexual uneducated beings that have multiple babies, that aren’t capable of competing with img_2347women of other races, let alone, good enough to be a wife! Because of this, we often feel ourselves in survival and “Something to Prove” mode.  Even as we contend to prove ourselves, we also find ourselves being the oppressor of one another, and like so many others, we divide ourselves based on socioeconomic backgrounds.  This is certainly by design, and not by happenstance.
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According to the 2016 Census Bureau, African American Women now top the list of the most educated in the country; and although more than half of black women between the ages of 18 and 24 are enrolled in college, the gender and racial inequality continues.

We have tangible everyday success stories that aren’t being recorded, reported or celebrated:

16298865_711498359011275_6534907517155103023_nThere are so many great historians, literary giants, authors, teachers, entrepreneurs, doctors etc., whose shoulders we stand on, but the good13701014_609668149194297_4673955860864760481_o thing about history is that it not only repeats itself, but it passes the baton.  It’s time to take the next leg of the race.  There are women right now TODAY, that are creating shoulders for future generations.  These will be names that our children’s children’s children will get bragging rights to; Michelle Obama, Maya Angelou, Angela Rye, Oprah Winfrey, Tamron Hall, Jamelle Hill, Tamika Mallory, Shonda Rhimes, Misty Copeland, Ava Duvernay, Issa Rae, Taraji P. Henson, Mara Brock Akil, Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer, Serena 10449521_288568471304268_361698210535019755_nWilliams, Anita Hill, Condoleezza Rice, Lupita Nyong’o, Mae Jemison,13631584_602793649881747_3275936315871618758_n Lena Waithe, and that’s the short list.

These accomplishments should not make us complacent.  We can’t allow a few victories to be enough, because we typically lose our steam after a few wins. We have to continue to speak up when we’re not given deserving roles, when we’re being looked over for awards and promotions and not receiving equal pay.

We also have to learn to celebrate those who aren’t celebrities, but are still killing the game, kicking ass and taking names!

  1. How many black Women do you know that’s excelling in their fields and their entrepreneurial journeys?
  2. How many of us are embracing the essence of who we are (natural hair, curves and skin) without shame?
  3. How many black Women do you know that are happily married?
  4. How many women do you know that have multiple degrees?

18891813_10211907296511092_518154018726291463_oI will celebrate and name a few that I know personally, or am indirectly connected to: Terry D.Cordelia Lewis, Ni Cole Jean, Melissa Smith-Harper, Lazell Pittman, Veleka Meeks, Gina Lamar, Eden Adele, Jamelia Toya Hand, Tene’ Gray, Cheryl Hand-Jiles, Dr. Shante Holley, Dr. Tiffany Michelle Bellamy, Stacey Emerson, Kristin R. Harris, Sherron 14495432_1764392160494371_7628810718134684914_nTurner, Teslyn Butler, Romina Brown, Erika Porter, Tanya Winfield, Yanni Brown, Dr. Ruby Powell, Cameka Smith, Latoya J. Moore, DeAnna Williams, Bonita Maye, Trina Edmunds, Rachel Green, Ariel Simmons, Alice Foy, Dr. Kiarra King, Cynthia Flowers, Shay Mitchell-Gary, Penny Miller, Tonya Biglow, Bridgette Daniels-Thomas, Shiketa Morgan, Valencia Montgomery, Eve Benton, Tammy Brown, Sibyl Holloway, Nicole Howell-Scott, 12240279_510285135808220_4954826358136412469_oJennifer Ashley, Nykki Rae, SharRon Jamison, Ebony Dixon-Truss, Dawj Sangster, Yasmine Brown, Chrishon Lampley, Shuntella Richardson, Tosh 21751336_10213656614866404_8775508300733083557_nPatterson, Larvetta Loftin, Micaela Brown, Amber Johns, Felencia Terrell, Mirion Green, Megan Harper…

 

 

Please like share/comment – Let me know your thoughts

Terry D.

 

My 2017 Mid-Year Goals Review


This year has been rewarding and productive, but not without its challenges.  This has been my year of living, “Intentionally.”

JANUARY

hiresbookcoverOn January 19, 2017, I self-published my first book, My Truth.  My Truth is a non-fiction novelette, that will give you an insight into the twists and turns of my personal failures and successes in love and relationships – in hopes to help others in their own journey to healthy love.  I grappled with the idea of baring my soul to the world, but when it was all said and done, I knew my testimony was meant for someone else, so I stopped questioning God’s plan. This project was so much bigger than me, and I couldn’t worry about what others would think of me.  This has been one of the most liberating things I’ve done in my life, and the feedback validates my decision to be obedient.

FEBRUARY

For a few years now, I have been speaking and training for everyone else.  I have Removing the Masktoo (5)attended events of amazing men, women and organizations, where they shared their journey and helped so many others discover their purpose.  I knew I had it in me to do the same, but I allowed fear to cripple me.  It was all I could think and talk about, but I made every excuse in the book, to avoid actually acting on my passion.  Finally, I just began researching, planning, preparing and executing. I only shared it with a select few, because I didn’t want any reason not to follow through.  I had a plan, an agenda and a budget.  Searching for venues was not an easy task, but I was all in.  I looked and I looked and I looked. Finally, I booked the venue, paid my deposit and just like that, there was no turning back. It was really happening – February 4 to be exact.

16700454_10211535345275990_4956978693545354350_oTo say the least, it was surreal and rewarding, but not because I finally did it, but because of the real masks that were removed and the lives that were transformed.  Men and women alike, shared their unadulterated truth, and it became a domino effect of testimonials.   It was an experience indeed, and no one left there the same way they arrived.  16487307_10211535353436194_1054744811513003740_oSpirits were renewed, and the attendees left with a sense of purpose and hope – knowing they’re not alone in their journey to wholeness, removing their masks without shame and Living their Truth!

MARCH

March gave me a moment to catch my breath, reflect, and  shift my gears to 2nd Quarter goals, obligations and commitments.  I used this time to refuel and follow up on the progress of  some clients I was coaching and confirm engagements.  On March 25, I was the img_0616Keynote Speaker for the “Unapologetically Me” Women’s Luncheon, hosted by Nikita Legrone of Exclusive Extraordinary Events.

While I was there to impart knowledge and pour into other women, it was humbling to hear their, “WHY!”

  • Why they had to make their way there
  • Why they had lost hope
  • Why they felt God had given up on them

APRIL & MAY

Can you say, “RESET?” Not that I’m ever allowed to take it off, but it was time to put on my full Mommy hat.  I had to switch gears, and focus on my personal img_0109obligations.  I am the very proud Mom of my mini me. It was planning time for my daughter’s Prom and Graduation.  I did not plan much during these months, because she img_0620deserved all of my uninterrupted and full attention.   Such proud moments that you can never get back, have to be your priority.  I enjoyed every moment of watching her come into her own over the years, and the reward of watching her get transformed into a princess for Prom is indescribable.   The pride of img_0621-1watching your daughter who the doctors said wouldn’t make it to see the age of 18, had me up plenty of nights in this season, with tear stained pillows of joy and gratitude for God’s mercy!

 

JUNE

img_0547I’m still recovering from the Prom and Graduation festivities, but she’s over it and me by now.  I guess it’s back to business as usual. This is not the time to chill.  I have the remainder of my year accounted for and planned.  I’m now planning for 2018.  I’ve done some photo shoots to plan for upcoming promotions and doing my due diligence for upcoming opportunities.  After all of that, I doimg_0610 take time to pour back into me.  It’s a continued struggle to have work-life balance, but it’s necessary for your sanity, and not to become overwhelmed.  I have to make some me/we time, and img_0521ensure I’m not taking my daughter for granted…

Stay tuned for upcoming events for the remainder of 2017!

 

 

 

 

 

Terry D.

 

He Didn’t Lie to You – You Chose Not to Listen


 

Nope, he didn’t lie, but what you heard, and what you thought you would change, are two different things!  Don’t set yourself up for failure! People will tell you the truth several times, in several different ways, exactly who they are, and what they want, but we don’t take it at face value, because they continue to hang  out with us, because they know their intentions, and just might not care enough to protect yours.  People feel like, if they tell you their intentions, and you stay, you’re good with it.  

People change when they’re ready, and for the person who inspires them to.  It has nothing to do with you, because regardless of all our efforts to try and make this person see how amazing you are, or how good you can be together, it has to be reciprocated and felt from both ends.  

One thing I’ve learned to be a fact is, men and women don’t have to spend an inordinate amount of time together, to evaluate what they want.  Women almost know from the first date, if she’s going to sleep with you, and he knows if he values you enough to make you a priority and his only!  There aren’t really any gray areas there.  Now of course, we continue to grow together and our feelings change, we become more involved, but if we’re completely honest, sometimes you’re just a filler; and its up to you to decide if you’re okay with that…

Terry D.

The Journey…


Laugh together…

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Play together…

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Cuddle…

Cuddle

Don’t stop dating…

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Never take the little things for granted…

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Terry D.

Why Is It Easier to Have Sex than to Discuss It?


After having a conversation on face book, I realized that it is very difficult for Adults to have conversations about sex.  I know that because there are 0 to few responses when there are posts about Sex.  I’m not suggesting anyone air their dirty laundry, but the conversations have to be had, and can be done maturely!  If we had just as much difficulty when actually engaging in the act, maybe there would be less STD’s and single parents.  Sex plays an important role in most relationships, although it shouldn’t control the relationship.  Both men and women expect that the other person should know what they want or like, without ever telling them.  If you decide to engage in sex without even discussing it, there are definitely a number of variables involved.  Communicating your needs, wants, likes, dislikes and limits could avoid an inordinate amount of heartache.

  1. Have you discussed your form of contraception? Condoms can break – does the woman use other forms of birth control?
  2. What if there are medical conditions that limit their performance?
  3. What if the other person doesn’t have as healthy of a sex drive as you?  When you’ve vested time in this person, now you feel stuck and unsatisfied.
  4. What if the person has been assaulted as a child, or even an adult and now has intimacy issues?  This would be good to know and address and be able to work through and get counseling.
  5. Has the person ever had any STD’s?  Even though (I HOPE) you’re using protection, this would definitely be something good to know.
  6. Do you either of you have orgasm issues?  If this is the case, it can certainly make your partner feel inadequate if they struggle in this arena.
  7. Are you monogamous or sleeping with other people?  You need to establish the commitment level of your relationship.  This is one of the biggest misconceptions, because there are assumptions when it comes to whether or not you’re in an “Open” relationship.

While this is not a complete list of things to be discussed, it certainly can help to begin the conversations.  It all boils down to lack of communication.  If sex is used as your form of communication, when all HELL breaks loose and other things aren’t going to so well, the silent pain points are magnified and we begin to focus on all of the other person’s weaknesses.

Instead of couples having these conversations with one another, they go and tell their friends or the person they decided to cheat with because of their dissatisfaction.  The only thing your friends can do is listen or give their advice without knowing the entire story.  If you choose to cheat with someone because you say you’re not satisfied, you’ll never receive the appropriate advice or help, because of the selfish motives of that person.

More than not, we cause our own relationship issues by lack of communicating our needs.  If we knew the answers to these questions before deciding to engage in sex, maybe we could decided before hand if we even wanted to…

After I realized all the soul ties connected to sexual relationships, I finally understood why God commands us to wait until we’re married!

-Terry D.