Tag Archives: Forgiveness

Why Closure Can Help & Hurt


There will be some that will argue the position that it’s almost impossible to transition into your next phase of life without closing the last chapter, and others who will say that closure is absolutely not necessary.

“Not receiving closure is toughest when the breakup is unexpected!”

img_2115If you’re in the majority who absolutely require closure, you should definitely allow some time before that conversation takes place, because if it’s too soon, the wounds are still fresh, and you want resolve, not more fighting and blame. When that conversation does take place, you have to earnestly be prepared for their, “Why!” Even if you don’t agree, it doesn’t make it any less valid.

When you’re the person looking for closure, but the other person has moved on, and you want answers, you may never get that expected apology.  If you were the one dumped, you are more apt to be the one blaming the other person for the failure of the relationship, but when that conversation takes place, you may find they hold you accountable as well, because they now have nothing to lose, so they’re willing to have a no holds barred dialogue.  They may also point out some not so desirable characteristics about you, that should have previously been discussed, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t.  Closure helps, because inherently; when you don’t receive the answers you have already disposed, it creates a sense of insecurity, because it makes you question your worth.

It is my opinion that no matter the explanation, it will not be an acceptable one, but it gives you an opportunity to vent, ask questions and express your frustrations. We can’t force anyone to have that conversation with us, and we certainly can’t expect the person that hurt us, to also help heal us.  It could be as simple as they’re just not into you. There’s no science to handling heartbreak, but time and forgiveness will aid in your road to healing.

It’s difficult to trust when we don’t get closure, and if that’s the case, give yourself time to heal, and be honest with yourself about what you could have done differently, because after you replay the conversation in your head, and you’ve had an opportunity to calm down, you might find some validity in what was said, and this will help you in your growth for your next relationship.

Terry D.

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Is Your Truth Buried in a Lie?


We subconsciously live our lives based on what has been fed into our spirits.

How many of us live our lives based on expectations? It’s not easy to keep up appearances for something that was either taught or mimicked!  Despite how much we fight it, our actions and attitude become a reflection of what’s on the inside.

No matter how many lies we bury, the truth will always rear its ugly head. We have repetitive relational behaviors, and it’s easier to blame others, but the truth is; we came to the relationship with baggage that keeps us from fully emotionally connecting. Yes, it’s true that relationships suffer from lack of communication, finances and infidelity, but how much of this is a learned behavior.  No matter how much you don’t want to believe it, words carry power, and we subconsciously replay them in our heads, and as a result, carry them into our adult lives, and they take on a part of our character.

How many times have you heard?

  • Men don’t cry
  • Do as I say, and not as I do
  • Men don’t express their feelings
  • You’re too young to settle down
  • Don’t worry about what he does, as long as he takes care of home
  • Don’t upset him
  • You’re going to be a player
  • Get your money, if you’re going to sleep with someone
  • Always keep you a spare, because everyone cheats

Seemingly harmless statements prove to be just the opposite.

At some point, we have to take ownership for our baggage and choices.  Our learned behaviors are often passed down from generation to generation, and our dysfunctions img_0504become a normality, because accepting and facing the truth means actually having to be accountable.

If two people have been taught the same dysfunctional behaviors, it’s difficult to find balance.  We fight, we become bitter and we look for a scapegoat.  If we’re blessed enough to have someone that was not taught these same behaviors, we emotionally exhaust them, because we become needy, and they not only become a punching bag, but also an emotional receptacle.

Our emotional health has to be a priority.  It will allow us to heal past wounds, release generational curses and function in relationships without fear or waiting for the ball to drop.  The truth really will make you FREE!  Free to LIVE and LOVE on your terms.

If you want to know how I learned to start living my truth, check out my book, My Truth – https://www.amazon.com/My-Truth-Short-Stories-Pain/dp/1478785225/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1508221603&sr=8-1&keywords=my+truth+terry+connor

Terry D.

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I’m NOT Perfect, but I’m Authentically and Unapologetically ME


Nope, I’m not perfect, but I am authentically ME!  

I’ve made so many mistakes in love, life and relationships.  I used to regret my choices, but every single experience was a lesson that shaped me to be ME!  We get so hung up on our past, our mistakes, what others think of us and we don’t forgive ourselves.  God never said that weapons wouldn’t form, He just said they would not prosper.  My purpose is to help others discover their purpose, and to be a tool in their healing and restoration! 

I used to think I wasn’t worthy of someone loving me, because I hadn’t learned my worth, and I didn’t know how to love myself.  I have constantly been judged for my choices, but I had to learn not to internalize it.  It’s easier for others to judge you, and honestly, that’s their problem. 

I openly share my life, love and relationship mistakes, because I had to learn not to be ashamed or a victim.  We all make mistakes, but we all deserve second chances.  

  • When I ended up homeless, I couldn’t understand why?!?!?!?
  • When I stayed in a relationship for almost 14 years, on and off, knowing it wasn’t healthy, I questioned my sanity and worth 
  • When I found myself in a pool of blood with a slit wrist, I thought it was over for me 

In every single circumstance that I just listed above, came some great lessons and blessings!  Sounds crazy, right?

I wrote a proposal to my church for a clothing closet to assist women in shelters, because I was once a recipient, and I wanted to give back, and teach those women that your circumstances don’t define your fate or YOU!

That relationship almost broke me.  I didn’t trust anyone, but I also didn’t give up on love.  I didn’t stop believing in good men, but most importantly, I am now helping others in their journey, and I’m able to share How I Survived!

In the blink of an eye, I saw myself possibly being taken out.  I had to make a decision to change my life, or lose it.  I watched my two children look at me with tears in their eyes, as I was carried out on a stretcher with tubes everywhere, with my hands restrained, so that I wouldn’t hurt myself, and it was in that moment that I knew I had a greater purpose, and that my life was not my own!  I had to pick up the pieces and start being accountable.  

To say the least, none of this was pleasant, but I’ve learned to appreciate that God’s plans are not my plans.  I won’t apologize, because I’m me, and I continue to learn and grow.  

Don’t allow others to hold your past over you.  It was just a test run… 
 
 Terry D. 

6 Steps to Healthy and HOT Love 


We grow apart because we’ve changed since we first met, but we still have the same expectations, yet our goals and needs are different.  Coach Terry D.

  1. Start with you – Sacrificing time to spend with yourself. (Make this non-negotiable) When you’re clear of frustrations and worrying about your next move, it gives you time to FOCUS on RIGHT now!!! You’re now able to give the necessary attention to your relationship.
  2. Remove distractions and unhealthy people.  Three’s a crowd, and unwanted interference does nothing but create dissension, tension and create high levels of unwarranted stress! Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Mark 10:9  It’s not easy to walk away from unhealthy people or things, but it is very necessary.  Until we release dead weight, we don’t always realize how much it has affected the health of our relationships.
  3. Talk  to one another, and be present!  I know women talk more than men, but take this time to really talk and listen with your heart, and not just your ears.  Ladies, that doesn’t mean go on a rant – know when to say, “When!”  Sometimes we live with someone, day in and day out, and have no idea what they do or go through everyday.  You appreciate your mate more, when you know what they’re dealing with.  It changes the way you react to one another, and it makes you be more understanding of their moods – good or bad.  Sexting is a great way of communicating with your mate, and will increase their anticipation and urgency to get home to you.
  4. If you want a healthier relationship, and you want to make changes, include your mate!  This is a team effort.  Your time together doesn’t include phones, social media or television.  Reacquaint yourselves.  We grow apart because we’ve changed since we first met, but we still have the same expectations, yet our goals and needs are different.
  5. Date one another.  Don’t take for granted that just because you’ve been together a couple-cooking-pfwhile, that it’s a slam dunk.  Make sure you always remember to greet one another with a kiss.  The sizzle will fizzle, if you’re not putting in the work to keep your relationship relevant.  Cook together, bathe together, play twister together! (You won’t finish.  Thank me later) If you’re not a creative person, Google ideas, but make it happen!  Do A Sexy Dance for Him
  6. For the love all things sensual, don’t make sex boring and monotonous. Don’t stop making love, and make it interesting.  It’s not always about the position, but the imagination and creativity.  Quality over Quantity.  Role play, and know when it’s time to make love and when it’s time to GET IT IN!  This will take your sex life to the next level, and create a renewed sense of intimacy!

Love you | Remove Dead Weight | Talk | You’re a Team | Date | Make Love & Keep it HOT

DSC_1102Coach Terry D.

EXHALE


breatheWhen do you EXHALE?  Do you hold your breath until you find love, or until it finds you? When the experience of love has broken you so many times, you begin to question its legitimacy.  You wonder if everyone is lying, because all of your encounters with love have left you feeling undesirable, depleted and nothing like what you’ve been shown or told.

Love is real, but for so many men and women, it feels unattainable.  If you question its validity, people question your faith, as if you’re not allowed room for error.  To be completely honest, I’ve struggled with love, and what it means to me, and if I would ever experience it in its entirety.  When I was in my early 20’s, I never had a problem with cutting off someone, and never looking back, but I attribute that to lust and immaturity.  As I got older, I began to experience real love, and it wasn’t as easy to walk away, but eventually after multiple breakups and going more than 12 rounds with the same person, I would let go.  I’m not going to lie and say it was easy, because it was not.  There are many reasons why some stay longer than others.  (i.e. addiction, insecurities)  Yes, you can be addicted to a person, or have an addictive personality.

It’s challenging for some to understand how to EXHALE, how to let go and how to make difficult decisions, whether it be to stay or leave through all the BS, without feeling judged!  Why?  Because they see people not always being honest about their struggles in their own relationships.  We live in a society where marriage equals instant happiness, or single after a certain age, means you’re damaged goods, so FOOLS rush in, without all the facts.

We put unnecessary pressures on ourselves, by trying to live up to a distorted view of reality.  Relationship Coach, Terry D.

If we’re completely honest, we can admit that we ALL have made some bad choices, but that doesn’t mean we’re not worthy, or that we don’t get a second chance.  Yes, we should hold ourselves to higher standards, but not so high, that we don’t forgive ourselves.  So the question is not when do you EXHALE, but How do I EXHALE?  By letting yourself off the hook, taking a deep breath, and accepting the fact that SHIT happens!  Stop worrying about what others think.  You have to free your heart up for love.  Guess what?  You may just make the same mistake again, but you will also now have the previous experience as a reference.  Yes, it’s true, we learn from our mistakes, but it may take more than one, BUT don’t allow others to judge you for your choices.

close your eyesHow do you know if you have EXHALED?  

  • You find yourself no longer holding grudges
  • You don’t keep returning to the scene of the crime (the reason you’re unhappy)
  • You no longer carry the guilt
  • You’re able to freely share your story without being angry
  • You are now considering love again

There’s no formula for love, but the ONE thing you must do is persevere!  The moment you give up, or give into your fears, you have allowed the enemy to win. Relationship Coach, Terry D.

Coach Terry D.

What’s Wrong With Me?


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What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I find true love? Why does it seem like it’ll never happen for me, and what am I doing wrong? I see everyone else prospering in love, but I feel so hopeless…

  • There’s nothing wrong with you, you just have to be true to you, and not be a repetitive lover.  What does that mean? Evaluate what has NOT worked for you, and do the polar opposite.
  • You can’t find love, because you’re looking!  STOP chasing love.  It will come to you! Timing is everything.  We become impatient, and take matters into our own hands.  God has a plan for us, and if we’re honest, we haven’t done a great job so far.
  • We focus so much on what others have, and lose sight of what we actually have ourselves. People only let you see what they want – you can’t judge a book by its cover, and your love is yours to experience…

We want love, but when it comes to sticking to our guns, we lose all sense of self.  I know it’s been a while, but that doesn’t mean to lose your values, panties and mind, as soon as someone gives you a little attention.  There is actually someone that will give you exactly what you want, but you have to stand firm on what you want and believe.  Trust what you have to offer, and it will speak for itself, and attract the same.

I’m guilty too, and here’s what I’ve learned:

  1. No matter how much you give of yourself, if that person isn’t ready, it won’t work.
  2. It only makes you question love, relationships and your ability to make sound decisions.
  3. It makes you bitter!
  4. You end up in multiple, unstable and dead end relationships.
  5. You create soul ties that are hard to break.

If you want a man that’s a Christian, don’t kick it at clubs every weekend, and don’t fall for, “I don’t go like I should.”  This is an excuse and evasive of the truth.

If you want the love you truly deserve, start standing up for you, stop lying about what you want, and that person will love you and won’t blink or think twice about answering the call!

Terry D. ❤️

Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man?


Men and women love to think they know what the other person wants. After some failures and success, surely we find out where we fall short, as well as where our strengths lie.   We’re told to Act Like a Lady, and Think Like A Man, but I prefer to Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Lady, and have a man that Acts Like A Man, Thinks Like A Man, but we both respect, accept and comprise our differences.  BUT, we do learn what it means to treat one another with respect, and we adjust our behaviors, based on our love for the person we choose to spend our lives with.

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As a Woman, I listen to what a man tells me he wants and expects from his mate, but I also understand that no two men are alike, so we have to remember that when we start a new relationship.  Just because your ex liked something, doesn’t mean your new mate will. Ask questions, explore and enjoy the endless possibilities of the journey…

Don't be so shocked, if someone doesn’t have the same sexual appetite or needs. Don’t try to make your ex’s favorite color, work for your new love. Listen with your heart, and accept the change.

Learn to appreciate what you have, love in the moment and leave the past where it belongs!

Terry D.