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So you’re single and learning to love the skin you’re in. All is well with you and your singleness! Until… after some years of purging, healing, forgiveness and restoration, here comes the test – dressed in a nice suit, standing 6’4″ tall, smelling good and saying all the right things. It’s your EX!
Well well well… I’m convinced they can smell your “Im over you” a mile away. Now the prey begins. See, when you wanted them to be the hunter, they could barely muster up enough energy to even call you once a day.
One day as you’re minding your own business, you receive a text out of no where – “Hey!” or “I miss you!” 
You wipe your eyes, and whisper a few choice words in your head, and I’m sure a few out loud! Now what? Hey? I miss you? Man listen! You gather your composure, and start to wonder what he wants. Your mind begins to play tricks on you, and you contemplate whether or not to respond.
Take your fingers off that trigger.
First phase: Reminiscing about the good times, because you’ve conveniently suppressed the bad ones. You say to yourself, “He did kiss good!” “I remember when…”
If you stay here too long, you will find yourself back in the saddle, and that kiss doesn’t feel so good, because the reason you initially broke up, will resurface. The “Hey” text was just to test the waters to see if you would take the bait! I’m not saying it can’t work, but when someone really wants you, they GO HARD! They take the risk that you may say no. A grown man will not text you to rekindle or to see if you’re still interested!
Phase two: You start looking for at least one person to validate your foolishness and give you the green light to text him back. You begin sharing this with your girlfriends. Girl, can you believe he texted me after all of this time? There will be at least one out of the three that will cosign, but the other two will hell nawwwww you right out of it!
We look for reasons to respond, and we need someone else to tell us it’s okay. When you have to ask, you already know there’s a problem.
When you’ve gone through a period of purge, healing, forgiveness and restoration, there will always be something or someone to test your grit. It’s up to you what you will and will not allow. Sometimes it’s just to show us our strength, resilience and restraint, and not to punish us, or give us a reason to revisit the pain! Trust that your healing has equipped you with the ability to see the situation with a different pair of lenses.
When someone attempts to come back in your life, and they’re not serious, they will automatically notice the change, but they’ll also use every chance they get to remind you of who you used to be, as to attempt to undermine your current mindset. It sometimes becomes the euphoria of the chase and the challenge of changing your no to yes.
James 4:7 Resist the devil, and he will flee…
We all become vulnerable at times. Even if the temptation gets the best of you – no worries, you will be able to tap into your source of faith and peace. It’s doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it just gives you another lesson that will be unambiguous to you in the future.
Terry D.
Nope, I’m not perfect, but I am authentically ME!
I’ve made so many mistakes in love, life and relationships. I used to regret my choices, but every single experience was a lesson that shaped me to be ME! We get so hung up on our past, our mistakes, what others think of us and we don’t forgive ourselves. God never said that weapons wouldn’t form, He just said they would not prosper. My purpose is to help others discover their purpose, and to be a tool in their healing and restoration!
I used to think I wasn’t worthy of someone loving me, because I hadn’t learned my worth, and I didn’t know how to love myself. I have constantly been judged for my choices, but I had to learn not to internalize it. It’s easier for others to judge you, and honestly, that’s their problem.
I openly share my life, love and relationship mistakes, because I had to learn not to be ashamed or a victim. We all make mistakes, but we all deserve second chances.
In every single circumstance that I just listed above, came some great lessons and blessings! Sounds crazy, right?
I wrote a proposal to my church for a clothing closet to assist women in shelters, because I was once a recipient, and I wanted to give back, and teach those women that your circumstances don’t define your fate or YOU!
That relationship almost broke me. I didn’t trust anyone, but I also didn’t give up on love. I didn’t stop believing in good men, but most importantly, I am now helping others in their journey, and I’m able to share How I Survived!
In the blink of an eye, I saw myself possibly being taken out. I had to make a decision to change my life, or lose it. I watched my two children look at me with tears in their eyes, as I was carried out on a stretcher with tubes everywhere, with my hands restrained, so that I wouldn’t hurt myself, and it was in that moment that I knew I had a greater purpose, and that my life was not my own! I had to pick up the pieces and start being accountable.
To say the least, none of this was pleasant, but I’ve learned to appreciate that God’s plans are not my plans. I won’t apologize, because I’m me, and I continue to learn and grow.
Don’t allow others to hold your past over you. It was just a test run…
Terry D.
We often ask ourselves so many questions as to why we’re single? Why we keep entering into bad relationships? What is it about me that keeps attracting the same men/women? What or who is the common thread? Y – O – UUUUUUU! Are you accountable for you and your actions/choices? Women like to believe that it’s because there are no good men. Maybe there are some men that don’t want a monogamous relationship, but those are the men that you stay away from. Instead, we continue to entertain them, and wonder why our relationships fail. Men think that some women are after their money. Well, if you don’t want that, stop flexing like you’re a baller, and get mad when thirsty women flock to you.
“Our consequences are often the result of our irresponsible choices!” Coach Terry D.
It feels good to say, “I’m no longer going to accept BS from anyone.” However, saying it,
and actually living it is a different story. You’re changed and taking no prisoners, right? Sometimes, we have to take inventory of ourselves, and not others. If there are still pieces of you that haven’t let go of the OLD you, for fear of not being attractive; you’ll still be attractive, and you will also stop attracting the same kinds of people. You can’t live an inward lie, and walk around trying to fool the public. It’s like telling people you’re celibate, but that’s only because you don’t have anyone. The real test comes when you are in a relationship, and you still stick to your commitment of celibacy.
You want change?
Start with you…
Look in the mirror, and tell yourself the cold hard truth. I mean the things you would probably never admit to anyone else. The things that will even make you look at yourself crazy. If you know you’ve been using sex to get what you want, admit it to yourself, and pray for deliverance of promiscuity and insecurity. If you lust after someone else’s man, look inside of you, to learn why. Sometimes we’ve lied to ourselves so long, that it feels better to accept the lie, rather than face our truths, because it doesn’t feel good to think that we could be the problem.
Write down all the things you did wrong in past relationships – NOT THE OTHER PERSON! This is a purge, a self-proclamation, a faith walk, healing, repentance, accountability and STARTING OVER! You can have affirmations, and lie to yourself all you want, but if you don’t honestly make real changes; I mean character changes, and not get into a relationship until you have earnestly made these changes, you will have a long road ahead of you that yields repetitive results of heartbreak.
You have to be ready to receive the relationship that you desire. You have to be a woman or man about yours, and know when someone is or is not good for you, and be willing to let go, and know that this was just a test run, and not feel the need to answer to anyone else, or live your life based on expectations of others.
You’ll know when you’ve turned the corner, because you feel the change inside of you. The conviction will be in your spirit. You’re no longer attracted to the same things, sex is not the driving force in your quest to relationships, you will begin to attract the kind of men/women that you want, and be able to say no to the ones you’re not equally yoked with. Love really is not as hard as we make it. We stumble our way through the dark, trying to make it perfect! It wasn’t meant to be perfect, it is meant to serve you both in the capacity that makes you happy, shows mutual respect, protects and guards the heart, forgives and trust.
If anything in this BLOG has resonated with you, or maybe you know someone that can benefit from it, please share, and let me know your thoughts. Thank you!
Coach Terry D.
We grow apart because we’ve changed since we first met, but we still have the same expectations, yet our goals and needs are different. Coach Terry D.
while, that it’s a slam dunk. Make sure you always remember to greet one another with a kiss. The sizzle will fizzle, if you’re not putting in the work to keep your relationship relevant. Cook together, bathe together, play twister together! (You won’t finish. Thank me later) If you’re not a creative person, Google ideas, but make it happen! Do A Sexy Dance for HimLove you | Remove Dead Weight | Talk | You’re a Team | Date | Make Love & Keep it HOT
Coach Terry D.
When do you EXHALE? Do you hold your breath until you find love, or until it finds you? When the experience of love has broken you so many times, you begin to question its legitimacy. You wonder if everyone is lying, because all of your encounters with love have left you feeling undesirable, depleted and nothing like what you’ve been shown or told.
Love is real, but for so many men and women, it feels unattainable. If you question its validity, people question your faith, as if you’re not allowed room for error. To be completely honest, I’ve struggled with love, and what it means to me, and if I would ever experience it in its entirety. When I was in my early 20’s, I never had a problem with cutting off someone, and never looking back, but I attribute that to lust and immaturity. As I got older, I began to experience real love, and it wasn’t as easy to walk away, but eventually after multiple breakups and going more than 12 rounds with the same person, I would let go. I’m not going to lie and say it was easy, because it was not. There are many reasons why some stay longer than others. (i.e. addiction, insecurities) Yes, you can be addicted to a person, or have an addictive personality.
It’s challenging for some to understand how to EXHALE, how to let go and how to make difficult decisions, whether it be to stay or leave through all the BS, without feeling judged! Why? Because they see people not always being honest about their struggles in their own relationships. We live in a society where marriage equals instant happiness, or single after a certain age, means you’re damaged goods, so FOOLS rush in, without all the facts.
We put unnecessary pressures on ourselves, by trying to live up to a distorted view of reality. Relationship Coach, Terry D.
If we’re completely honest, we can admit that we ALL have made some bad choices, but that doesn’t mean we’re not worthy, or that we don’t get a second chance. Yes, we should hold ourselves to higher standards, but not so high, that we don’t forgive ourselves. So the question is not when do you EXHALE, but How do I EXHALE? By letting yourself off the hook, taking a deep breath, and accepting the fact that SHIT happens! Stop worrying about what others think. You have to free your heart up for love. Guess what? You may just make the same mistake again, but you will also now have the previous experience as a reference. Yes, it’s true, we learn from our mistakes, but it may take more than one, BUT don’t allow others to judge you for your choices.
How do you know if you have EXHALED?
There’s no formula for love, but the ONE thing you must do is persevere! The moment you give up, or give into your fears, you have allowed the enemy to win. Relationship Coach, Terry D.
Coach Terry D.
There has been a great deal of stories looming about Black Women and their singleness, or lack of chances to get married. An African-American Author, Ralph Richard Banks wrote a book entitled, Is Marriage for White People? : How the African-American Marriage Decline affects everyone. In this non-fiction book, he writes, “Single is the new black!” He also recommends that African-American women open themselves up to be willing to enter serious relationships with men of other races and backgrounds, and he argues this will improve black men and women alike. Needless to say, the African-American community strongly disagrees, but there are some that would argue this same case. There are statistics out there that say that 42.4 % of African-American Women will not get married, which is from an old US, Census. In 2014 the US Census Bureau cited; 86% of 
Black Men have a Black Wife, and 94% Black Women have a Black Husband.
We also have a video circulating, The Myth of the Single Black Female, which gives you an insight into how the media has spread this information for years, and how we as blacks are accepting this as our truth. The disparity in the numbers are alarming. WHO ARE THEY TALKING TO?
It seems to me that the more educated African-American men and women are, the more attractive and accepted they are to other races, even in the case of them not intellectually measuring up themselves. As blacks, we have begun to feed into these fallacies and consider other races as a prize, and the more we attain, the further away we move away from our own men and women. We expect more and place more stipulations on black men and women that we date, than we do on non-blacks. We have to be a certain kind of dresser, we have to look a certain way, our hair has to be a certain way, and even after all these years, we still are battling color lines within our own race. The Light vs. Dark! That is a stigma that goes back to slavery days, where the light were allowed in the house, while the dark had to stay outside.
The problem lies within our own issues within our culture. Our inability to identify what we lack, and that it is not as complicated as others would have us to think. As long as someone can plant a seed of negativity, and make Black Women Believe That It’s Time to Give Up on Black Men is misguided and disrespectful.
None of this is to suggest that there is a problem with interracial relationships in the least bit, but it does raise the question, of why we’re led to believe that within our own community, that we believe it’s okay to mistreat black men and women, or judge them, just because you choose not to be with them. It creates a form of dissension and resentment. Your mother, sister, aunt and not to mention, your daughters are watching and taking notes.
African American Couples who are making it work, despite the statistics and stereotypes:
President Obama & First Lady Michelle Obama 
What are your thoughts?
Coach Terry D.
What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I find true love? Why does it seem like it’ll never happen for me, and what am I doing wrong? I see everyone else prospering in love, but I feel so hopeless…
We want love, but when it comes to sticking to our guns, we lose all sense of self. I know it’s been a while, but that doesn’t mean to lose your values, panties and mind, as soon as someone gives you a little attention. There is actually someone that will give you exactly what you want, but you have to stand firm on what you want and believe. Trust what you have to offer, and it will speak for itself, and attract the same.
I’m guilty too, and here’s what I’ve learned:
If you want a man that’s a Christian, don’t kick it at clubs every weekend, and don’t fall for, “I don’t go like I should.” This is an excuse and evasive of the truth.
If you want the love you truly deserve, start standing up for you, stop lying about what you want, and that person will love you and won’t blink or think twice about answering the call!
Terry D. ❤️
Yes, in the first 
season, Mary Jane dated a married man, she slept around, and although in this season; she may still be wrestling and grappling to gain some sense of relationship normalcy, she is still at a crossroad. Let’s not judge, because we all have been there, going through it, or may even be on our way there; or at best, we can say that we’ve had some major relationship deficiencies, at one time or another. So many everyday women, like you and me, not only identify with her, but also have our own demons that keep our hearts hostage to pain and heartbreak!!! We almost begin to believe this is “Our normal!” Mary Jane’s myriad of spiraling emotions are nothing short of what most black women endure in relationships! All we need is a glimpse of hope, and it will keep us emotionally bound and gagged, but it’s that fight that keeps us going, and that same fight makes us lie to all those involved, including ourselves. It is, however, very difficult to keep up the deception, before someone begins to witness us unravel before their very eyes! 
All of Mary Jane Paul’s relationships seem to border on some form of being dysfunctional. She is the glue that keeps her family together, she has a friend that resents her, therefor; her refuge is sex and alcohol. She feels safe when she has a moment that she is not juggling so many balls in the air, because no one expects that she should ever show any signs of weakness. Does she want more than sex? Absolutely, and so do so many women, but somehow, it all gets lost in the translation of life, what we mistake for love and mediocrity begins to become acceptable. Even in the roughest of times, Mary Jane finds a way to keep her head on straight, long enough to begin saying no to things that aren’t serving her. 
What keeps us hanging on is addiction – it’s not always love. We can truly become addicted to a person, and like any other addiction, we need HELP to kick the habit! We can’t let go, because we reminisce on what could have been… We don’t delete the text messages, we look at old pics and we insist on closure, just so that we can have an excuse to hold onto false hope. Mary Jane Paul is making decisions that she doesn’t realize are controlled by emotional disparity, and not because of a biological clock, but it’s all a smoke screen that would otherwise force her to face the truth. It’s not an overnight or one size fit all solution. It’s a matter of acknowledgment, accountability and the courage to forgive ourselves and to learn to simply say, “NO!” Soooo, What’s next…
Terry D.
IamTerryD BLOG with Relationship Coach, Terry D. 