Tag Archives: Love & War

Anger Management, Blogging, Breakups, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Dreams and Visions, Forgiveness, Insecurities, Love and Relationships, Men & Love, Restoration, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Single Men, Singles, starting over, Unhealthy Relationships

Why Closure Can Help & Hurt

December 14, 2017 Terry D. Leave a comment

There will be some that will argue the position that it’s almost impossible to transition into your next phase of life without closing the last chapter, and others who will say that closure is absolutely not necessary.

“Not receiving closure is toughest when the breakup is unexpected!”

If you’re in the majority who absolutely require closure, you should definitely allow some time before that conversation takes place, because if it’s too soon, the wounds are still fresh, and you want resolve, not more fighting and blame. When that conversation does take place, you have to earnestly be prepared for their, “Why!” Even if you don’t agree, it doesn’t make it any less valid.

When you’re the person looking for closure, but the other person has moved on, and you want answers, you may never get that expected apology. If you were the one dumped, you are more apt to be the one blaming the other person for the failure of the relationship, but when that conversation takes place, you may find they hold you accountable as well, because they now have nothing to lose, so they’re willing to have a no holds barred dialogue. They may also point out some not so desirable characteristics about you, that should have previously been discussed, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t. Closure helps, because inherently; when you don’t receive the answers you have already disposed, it creates a sense of insecurity, because it makes you question your worth.

It is my opinion that no matter the explanation, it will not be an acceptable one, but it gives you an opportunity to vent, ask questions and express your frustrations. We can’t force anyone to have that conversation with us, and we certainly can’t expect the person that hurt us, to also help heal us. It could be as simple as they’re just not into you. There’s no science to handling heartbreak, but time and forgiveness will aid in your road to healing.

It’s difficult to trust when we don’t get closure, and if that’s the case, give yourself time to heal, and be honest with yourself about what you could have done differently, because after you replay the conversation in your head, and you’ve had an opportunity to calm down, you might find some validity in what was said, and this will help you in your growth for your next relationship.

Terry D.

Anger Management, Blogging, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Singles, Unhealthy Relationships

Beneath the Surface ( Joy & Pain)

February 16, 2015 Terry D. Leave a comment

You think she’s bitter, but she’s broken from being deceived and lied to for so long. Look beneath the surface! It’s not you she’s upset with, and maybe she just hasn’t figured out how to make sense of it all, but she may just need your patience and gentleness. If you think about it, you haven’t always been where you are either, but someone else may not have had patience with you. It was for a reason, not a lifetime – so that you’re able to be with someone who understands you, and it may not be as easy to obtain, but it will be worth it. Don’t give up! She needs to know that you’re not like the rest. Often times, the one that thinks they’re saving someone, needs to be saved also, but they don’t know that until it actually happens.

The 3 things that you need to do to hold on:

1. Trust the God in you, and share your own fears and insecurities. There’s something about knowing that you can relate to one another, and don’t mind showing your vulnerability.

2. Keep sex out of it, until you’ve established trust. It only clouds your judgement, and places you back at square one.

3. Love her through and out of the pain.

This is both your opportunities to learn to love again, set your own rules and put the past behind you!

Terry D.

Disputes, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Unhealthy Relationships

Pick your Battles

March 12, 2012 Terry D. Leave a comment

Why do we insist on creating unnecessary strife, both consciously and subconsciously? We need to pick our battles, because every situation does not warrant an argument or screaming match. Most of our aggressive behavior toward resolution comes from how we saw others in our families or those closest to us resolve disputes. We have to choose which path we will take in order to maintain the peace, as well as our sanity. They say, “That sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I completely disagree, because words can cut like a two edge sword. Sometimes it’s like an out-of-body experience that takes over and we begin shooting below the belt, and these are things that we can’t take back no matter how hard we try.

After we retire to our separate corners and think about all that has transpired, we replay each horrific word that was exchanged and a sense of regret comes over us, wishing we could have a do over. The sad part about it is, each time we go through this, we know what the end result will be, but can’t seem to control our erratic emotions.

More than not, the arguments stem from something that has nothing to do with him/her, but as simple as having a bad day at work, or someone else has made you upset for the day, but we bring all this excess baggage home with us. If these are things that you have identified as triggers, you can make the decision to take some quiet time to yourself until you have calmed down. This way, you can discuss what made you upset, and your mate can offer solace and not feel like they’re being attacked. He/She is not the enemy!

The simple things we argue about:

The infamous toilet seat
Dinner choices
Temperature of the house
What to watch on television

The first thing you must do is sit down and calmly discuss the reasons for the disputes and find a better way to discuss them without flaring tempers. As mature adults, you have to make the decision of what’s more important, you winning or your relationship. The core reason why the argument continues is because we want to have the last word. If you feel you are not able to resolve your disputes without it escalating, it’s time to get some professional help and get to the root of the real problem. You will find that the disputes usually stem from something deeper than what’s on the surface.

Pick your battles and learn to walk away. It’s perfectly okay to apologize, even if you feel you were right! Compromise and humility goes a long way!

-Terry D.