Tag Archives: Sex & Intimacy

African American Dating, Blogging, Breakups, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, healthy relationships, Insecurities, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Single Men, Singles, starting over, Unhealthy Relationships

You Still Attract the Same People, Because You’re Living A Lie

February 6, 2016 Terry D. Leave a comment

We often ask ourselves so many questions as to why we’re single? Why we keep entering into bad relationships? What is it about me that keeps attracting the same men/women? What or who is the common thread? Y – O – UUUUUUU! Are you accountable for you and your actions/choices? Women like to believe that it’s because there are no good men. Maybe there are some men that don’t want a monogamous relationship, but those are the men that you stay away from. Instead, we continue to entertain them, and wonder why our relationships fail. Men think that some women are after their money. Well, if you don’t want that, stop flexing like you’re a baller, and get mad when thirsty women flock to you.

“Our consequences are often the result of our irresponsible choices!” Coach Terry D.

It feels good to say, “I’m no longer going to accept BS from anyone.” However, saying it, and actually living it is a different story. You’re changed and taking no prisoners, right? Sometimes, we have to take inventory of ourselves, and not others. If there are still pieces of you that haven’t let go of the OLD you, for fear of not being attractive; you’ll still be attractive, and you will also stop attracting the same kinds of people. You can’t live an inward lie, and walk around trying to fool the public. It’s like telling people you’re celibate, but that’s only because you don’t have anyone. The real test comes when you are in a relationship, and you still stick to your commitment of celibacy.

You want change?
Start with you…
Look in the mirror, and tell yourself the cold hard truth. I mean the things you would probably never admit to anyone else. The things that will even make you look at yourself crazy. If you know you’ve been using sex to get what you want, admit it to yourself, and pray for deliverance of promiscuity and insecurity. If you lust after someone else’s man, look inside of you, to learn why. Sometimes we’ve lied to ourselves so long, that it feels better to accept the lie, rather than face our truths, because it doesn’t feel good to think that we could be the problem.

Write down all the things you did wrong in past relationships – NOT THE OTHER PERSON! This is a purge, a self-proclamation, a faith walk, healing, repentance, accountability and STARTING OVER! You can have affirmations, and lie to yourself all you want, but if you don’t honestly make real changes; I mean character changes, and not get into a relationship until you have earnestly made these changes, you will have a long road ahead of you that yields repetitive results of heartbreak.

You have to be ready to receive the relationship that you desire. You have to be a woman or man about yours, and know when someone is or is not good for you, and be willing to let go, and know that this was just a test run, and not feel the need to answer to anyone else, or live your life based on expectations of others.

You’ll know when you’ve turned the corner, because you feel the change inside of you. The conviction will be in your spirit. You’re no longer attracted to the same things, sex is not the driving force in your quest to relationships, you will begin to attract the kind of men/women that you want, and be able to say no to the ones you’re not equally yoked with. Love really is not as hard as we make it. We stumble our way through the dark, trying to make it perfect! It wasn’t meant to be perfect, it is meant to serve you both in the capacity that makes you happy, shows mutual respect, protects and guards the heart, forgives and trust.

If anything in this BLOG has resonated with you, or maybe you know someone that can benefit from it, please share, and let me know your thoughts. Thank you!

Coach Terry D.

African American Dating, Blogging, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Dreams and Visions, healthy relationships, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, starting over

6 Steps to Healthy and HOT Love

January 20, 2016 Terry D. Leave a comment

We grow apart because we’ve changed since we first met, but we still have the same expectations, yet our goals and needs are different. Coach Terry D.

Start with you – Sacrificing time to spend with yourself. (Make this non-negotiable) When you’re clear of frustrations and worrying about your next move, it gives you time to FOCUS on RIGHT now!!! You’re now able to give the necessary attention to your relationship.
Remove distractions and unhealthy people. Three’s a crowd, and unwanted interference does nothing but create dissension, tension and create high levels of unwarranted stress! Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Mark 10:9 It’s not easy to walk away from unhealthy people or things, but it is very necessary. Until we release dead weight, we don’t always realize how much it has affected the health of our relationships.
Talk to one another, and be present! I know women talk more than men, but take this time to really talk and listen with your heart, and not just your ears. Ladies, that doesn’t mean go on a rant – know when to say, “When!” Sometimes we live with someone, day in and day out, and have no idea what they do or go through everyday. You appreciate your mate more, when you know what they’re dealing with. It changes the way you react to one another, and it makes you be more understanding of their moods – good or bad. Sexting is a great way of communicating with your mate, and will increase their anticipation and urgency to get home to you.
If you want a healthier relationship, and you want to make changes, include your mate! This is a team effort. Your time together doesn’t include phones, social media or television. Reacquaint yourselves. We grow apart because we’ve changed since we first met, but we still have the same expectations, yet our goals and needs are different.
Date one another. Don’t take for granted that just because you’ve been together a while, that it’s a slam dunk. Make sure you always remember to greet one another with a kiss. The sizzle will fizzle, if you’re not putting in the work to keep your relationship relevant. Cook together, bathe together, play twister together! (You won’t finish. Thank me later) If you’re not a creative person, Google ideas, but make it happen! Do A Sexy Dance for Him
For the love all things sensual, don’t make sex boring and monotonous. Don’t stop making love, and make it interesting. It’s not always about the position, but the imagination and creativity. Quality over Quantity. Role play, and know when it’s time to make love and when it’s time to GET IT IN! This will take your sex life to the next level, and create a renewed sense of intimacy!

Coach Terry D.

Anger Management, Blogging, Breakups, Cheating, Conflict Resolution, Disputes, Dreams and Visions, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Singles, Unhealthy Relationships

Being Mary Jane – Seasons

March 4, 2015 Terry D. 2 Comments

Yes, in the first season, Mary Jane dated a married man, she slept around, and although in this season; she may still be wrestling and grappling to gain some sense of relationship normalcy, she is still at a crossroad. Let’s not judge, because we all have been there, going through it, or may even be on our way there; or at best, we can say that we’ve had some major relationship deficiencies, at one time or another. So many everyday women, like you and me, not only identify with her, but also have our own demons that keep our hearts hostage to pain and heartbreak!!! We almost begin to believe this is “Our normal!” Mary Jane’s myriad of spiraling emotions are nothing short of what most black women endure in relationships! All we need is a glimpse of hope, and it will keep us emotionally bound and gagged, but it’s that fight that keeps us going, and that same fight makes us lie to all those involved, including ourselves. It is, however, very difficult to keep up the deception, before someone begins to witness us unravel before their very eyes! All of Mary Jane Paul’s relationships seem to border on some form of being dysfunctional. She is the glue that keeps her family together, she has a friend that resents her, therefor; her refuge is sex and alcohol. She feels safe when she has a moment that she is not juggling so many balls in the air, because no one expects that she should ever show any signs of weakness. Does she want more than sex? Absolutely, and so do so many women, but somehow, it all gets lost in the translation of life, what we mistake for love and mediocrity begins to become acceptable. Even in the roughest of times, Mary Jane finds a way to keep her head on straight, long enough to begin saying no to things that aren’t serving her. What keeps us hanging on is addiction – it’s not always love. We can truly become addicted to a person, and like any other addiction, we need HELP to kick the habit! We can’t let go, because we reminisce on what could have been… We don’t delete the text messages, we look at old pics and we insist on closure, just so that we can have an excuse to hold onto false hope. Mary Jane Paul is making decisions that she doesn’t realize are controlled by emotional disparity, and not because of a biological clock, but it’s all a smoke screen that would otherwise force her to face the truth. It’s not an overnight or one size fit all solution. It’s a matter of acknowledgment, accountability and the courage to forgive ourselves and to learn to simply say, “NO!” Soooo, What’s next… Terry D.

Blogging, Conflict Resolution, Dreams and Visions, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy, Single Ladies, Unhealthy Relationships

The Comfort of a Touch

September 1, 2014 Terry D. 1 Comment

It’s not always easy to admit that we enjoy the comfort of a touch. It’s not always about sex, but just that touch. When you have been single for so long, and you finally start dating again, and that first hug, that first kiss, is what makes you exhale, like a sigh of relief. Almost as if you melt into that person’s arms, and sometimes we do get it confused with the sex, because it’s been such a long time, and one thing leads to another, and there you are, with regrets, because all you really wanted was to feel the touch of that man or woman. There is no turning back now, because you can’t quite figure out how to explain it to the other person, because you don’t even know how to explain it to yourself, or how you even arrived at this place.

How do you figure this out, without offending the other person? What if they were in the same place, and didn’t know how to talk to you about it also? You sort through your words, and you start the conversation, but tread lightly, because it can leave a person feeling used, or it can make them turn to only wanting sex with you. You can start off by telling them that you really enjoyed the moment you shared, but not sure that you want to have a physical relationship, and that you know from experience, that how you start, is how you finish. Sure, there are rare occasions, where it doesn’t always end this way, but because you like them, you would like to take a step back, and really get to know them on a different level. All you can do, is hope that they are on the same page, or at least that they care enough to relate. This is a touchy conversation, and can go either way.

I’ve learned through some lost relationships and lessons, that if you really want something with someone, you will hold off on having sex. Yes, I know that sex should be after marriage, but that’s not always the case, so I like to make sure that I’m covering all bases. See, when you’ve met that special someone, they will be willing to take the scenic route. That’s not to say that they don’t desire you, but it’s just not the #1 priority. When you bond with someone on a different level, and you can be friends, laugh with and at one another, share stories that you may have never shared with anyone else and build trust, everything else is a slam dunk.

I’ll share an inside story: I remember when I was in my early 20’s and I met a gentleman 15 years my senior. We met, bonded and he showed me the world through his eyes. It was such an experience and eye opener to life and love; and sex had not even entered into the picture. We spent almost every night together. When we finally became intimate, it wasn’t the adrenaline that you’re used to, but it was mind blowing to me, because the bond had already been created, and I’m pretty sure that neither of us could do no wrong.

Take your time to get to know someone, and never think that sex can keep them, because if they’re not into you, it really doesn’t matter how you start or finish, but at least you know you kept your character and values in tact.

Terry D.

Dreams and Visions, Journeys, Love and Relationships, Marriage, Men & Love, Sex & Intimacy

The Journey…

February 13, 2014 Terry D. 2 Comments

Laugh together…

Play together…

Cuddle…

Don’t stop dating…

Never take the little things for granted…

Terry D.

Sex & Intimacy

Desperate Measures (Inspired from an episode of BET’s “The Game”)

March 7, 2012 Terry D. 2 Comments

After watching (BET’s, “The Game”), it really started me to thinking about women over 40 who are single! Do we begin settling from frustration and fear of being alone after a certain age? I watched Tasha Mack (BET’s, “The Game”) as she visibly became frustrated and defeated from not having a significant other. In fact, she became so frustrated that she unknowingly hired an escort for sexual favors, but even after finding out, after a brief moment of anger, she agreed to continue paying this gentleman for his “services.” It was a sad display of despondency to witness, and became even more undignified. She looked unraveled and desperate to say the least. While some felt a sense of empathy for her, others felt like she did what she had to do. Men can sniff out desperation a mile away, and if they have no true substance, they will take advantage of that moment to pounce.

Although it wasn’t a pleasant scene to watch, it is the reality for some! Not as far as to pay an escort, but just to seek desperate measures in order to have the company of a man. Her motives weren’t so much that she wanted to have a full-time partner, but she just wanted her sexual needs met – which is another talk show. It’s so easy to mistake sex for intimacy when we are jaded by a lonely heart. If I can speak for most women, we would prefer intimacy over sex. NEWS FLASH – They are not one in the same!

There is a difference in being alone and being lonely. Some people have problems with being alone, and will settle for being involved in a not so satisfying relationship as an end to a means; and when you’re lonely you make remorseful and illogical decisions. The acceptance of degradation of women has actually become our norm and desensitized us to respect ourselves. The message from this show should not have been admiration or to mimic the actions of this actress, but to check yourself where you stand! It has been my experience that we love uttering the words, “my boyfriend.” You can almost always identify a new relationship, or even a person that needs to be validated by having someone in their life, because they will always find a way to work the subject of their “boyfriend” in the conversation.

Don’t allow loneliness or desperation to alter your character.

What are your thoughts?

-Terry D.