Tag Archives: unhealthy relationship

Pick your Battles


Why do we insist on creating unnecessary strife, both consciously and subconsciously?  We need to pick our battles, because every situation does not warrant an argument or screaming match.  Most of our aggressive behavior toward resolution comes from how we saw others in our families or those closest to us resolve disputes.  We have to choose which path we will take in order to maintain the peace, as well as our sanity.  They say, “That sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  I completely disagree, because words can cut like a two edge sword.   Sometimes it’s like an out-of-body experience that takes over and we begin shooting below the belt, and these are things that we can’t take back no matter how hard we try. 

After we retire to our separate corners and think about all that has transpired, we replay each horrific word that was exchanged and a sense of regret comes over us, wishing we could have a do over.  The sad part about it is, each time we go through this, we know what the end result will be, but can’t seem to control our erratic emotions. 

More than not, the arguments stem from something that has nothing to do with him/her, but as simple as having a bad day at work, or someone else has made you upset for the day, but we bring all this excess baggage home with us.  If these are things that you have identified as triggers, you can make the decision to take some quiet time to yourself until you have calmed down.  This way, you can discuss what made you upset, and your mate can offer solace and not feel like they’re being attacked.  He/She is not the enemy! 

The simple things we argue about:

  • The infamous toilet seat
  • Dinner choices
  • Temperature of  the house
  • What to watch on television

The first thing you must do is sit down and calmly discuss the reasons for the disputes and find a better way to discuss them without flaring tempers.  As mature adults, you have to make the decision of what’s more important, you winning or your relationship.  The core reason why the argument continues is because we want to have the last word.  If you feel you are not able to resolve your disputes without it escalating, it’s time to get some professional help and get to the root of the real problem.  You will find that the disputes usually stem from something deeper than what’s on the surface.

Pick your battles and learn to walk away.  It’s perfectly okay to apologize, even if you feel you were right!  Compromise and humility goes a long way!

-Terry D.

Why do we stay?


Do we stay in bad relationships, even when it hurts?  I for one, have been involved in a bad relationship in the past, and stayed way too long!  At first, I told myself things would get better, but it never did – the unfaithfulness continued.  There are never any advantages in staying in a loveless or unrewarding relationship.  While I thought I loved him and he me, I came to realize it was a relationship built on lies, physical attraction and convenience.   After a while, it becomes a habit of familiarity.  Point blank, we’re use to being with someone we’re accustomed to, and would rather remain in an unhealthy relationship, rather than be alone, heal and open our hearts to new possibilities.  The longer you remain in bad relationships; it becomes your template and replica for dating. 

After finally ending the relationship, I began to grapple over the rationale of why I stayed so long, but there was no real rhyme or reason.  While I had no justifications, it became real to me that lacking love for ‘you’ can lead to making regrettable decisions, and as a result, remain in emotional, physical and mentally abusive relationships.  Not to mention, it’s not an easy reality to admit that you may not love yourself enough to receive true love. 

I won’t pretend as if it’s easy to walk away, or stop “loving” someone that you’ve spent an inordinate amount of time with, and created soul ties with, but I had to stop making excuses.  I had to take control of my life, ask God to give me the strength to let go and begin the healing process!

A few key tools that was key for my emotional and mental freedom:

I forgave him

Don’t give anyone that kind of power over your life that you hold on to grudges.  It will consume you, and you will never be able to let go, or move on.  You can forgive without being directly involved with someone!  The forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for YOU!

I Ended the “Friendship”

Plain and simple – you can’t be friends with your ex, especially if you haven’t gotten over him.  You will find yourself repeating the same destructive behaviors if you do.

I stopped ALL communication (telephone, email, text, Skype, social media outlets)

I made no more excuses of why I needed to answer his calls, text messages or remain his friend on face book.  It only makes allowance for a slower healing process!

I sought professional help

This is how I was able to identify the root of the problem and be able to approach future circumstances with better clarity.  Until we are able to distinguish why we practice such destructive behavioral conundrums, the cycle will continue.

 We can say, “Just get over it, but it’s not always that simple – it’s a process! 

-Terry D.